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Original poster

To think my son is heading for a hefty fall?

145 replies

Helovesmehelovesmenot · 30/08/2013 20:55

My DS who is soon to be 21 is heading of to UNI in London next weekend but he has NO money saved even though he has worked for nearly 2 years, his loan only just covers his rent £170 per week and he cannot get a grant as apparently we earn too much, I would beg to differ as we have always lived to our means we have no spare cash to help him out. He will arrive in London without a penny to his name and a promise of food parcels from his dad for three months ( all we can run to I am afraid) and we will not send him cash as he will smoke and drink it. ( who wouldn't at that age) I am just thinking he should have stayed at work and not bothered at all, but he thinks London streets are paved with gold. Are there plenty of bar jobs down there in Camden as that is about all he can do?

OP posts:
liquidstate · 30/08/2013 22:27

I don't see what the fuss is about personally. If the OP does not want to provide financial support to an adult then thats up to her.

I went to uni and self funded myself. I worked 3 days a week in a care home and had a grant. The majority of my fellow students did not work at all and most had credit cards paid for by their parents - supposedly for food but I saw quite a lot of clothes bought on them. And the amount of times they tried to cadge drinks off me complaining they had spent that months allowance Hmm

If the OPs son is likely to spend the money on drink and weed then I cannot see what good it would be for her to support him more. He will either sink or swim.

And £60 a month rent? He should have saved hard and built up a nice lump sum over the last two years.

Incidentally my brother studied computing animation and now works as a security guard. Its a very tough job market in that field.

yellowballoons · 30/08/2013 22:28

I could be wrong, but some parts of digital animation are short of people? Though not other parts? But even then, if he is good enough, he could still get a good job?
I dont think I would write off his potential degree.

Actually I do think you are in a difficult position. I think I would give him your full support until christmas, and then make up your mind? Because you do not want to help to make him fail, or not support him enough so that he does fail,when actually this just could be the making of him?

raisah · 30/08/2013 22:32

Christmas temping jobs:

www.indeed.co.uk/m/jobs?q=Christmas+Temporary#

WetAugust · 30/08/2013 22:36

DS looked at digital animation as an option. Even the tutors at Open Day who taught the degree told prospective students it would be a difficult area in which to find work.

Celadorhasacatandawaveequation · 30/08/2013 22:38

I obviously don't know the full details but it's a parent's responsibility to support their child whatever their age. If you can't afford financial support you should at least give him emotional support and encourage him to succeed at Uni - it's good that he wants to study and improve his prospects.

Even though it's not your choice, you should support him in it.

What will you do if he can't find a job, or can't afford to eat? Say 'I told you so'? You need to prepare for this possibility - he may come to you in future in need of help. I just hope you are able to give it.

Twiddlebum · 30/08/2013 22:52

I'm sorry but I really don't understand why the op is getting a hard time here! Why should she be responsible for putting her son through uni?? I didn't qualify for a grant and I knew my parents couldn't pay for me so I did it myself as did a lot of my friends!!

RhondaJean · 30/08/2013 22:55

Shall I explain in short words twiddle?

It's not because she can't afford the cash.

It's because she's been sneering and disbelieving and emotionally unsupportive.

Although from her last post, I think she's maybe reconsidering. If you can't afford to pay, that's fair enough. If you choose to be negative, that's something else altogether.

yellowballoons · 30/08/2013 22:58

But Twiddlebum, I presume you didnt do that even in the last 5 years?

And I get the distinct impression that the op is almost setting him up for a fall.

It seems though, he is going to go anyway, with or without the ops blessing.
So holding grudges against him, isnt going to help anything, or anyone at this point.

Basically, you are just scared, aren't you op? Understandably so. I feel like I should be giving you a tissue.

roweeena · 30/08/2013 23:00

Bloody hell OP you sound so harsh - poor lad.

I went to uni in London, from a single parent family and my mum would never have acted in the way you are. Surely it's your job as a parent to make sure that your child doesn't struggle and to try and support them as much as possible at this new stage in there life - not to be all gloaty that he is going to struggle.

I would have really resented you if you were my mum

CoolStoryBro · 30/08/2013 23:44

Holy Cow RhondaJean. How rude was that reply?! I agree with Twiddle tbh. And I find it ridiculous that there is so little empathy for a woman who is sounding out to us about her worry that he is making yet another mistake, in a grand line of mistakes. The OP has already said she hasn't voiced this to her son.

My parents happily voiced their worries, to their friends, about me bouncing from one scheme to another at that age. It didn't mean they weren't supportive. Just a bit worn down.

RhondaJean · 30/08/2013 23:52

Do you know what, I don't give a flying cow if you or anyone else thinks it was rude. Having been on the opposite side of this type of parent myself and with my DH.

Op has he even asked for financial support?

As I said, the money is nothing to do with this, but the posts smell of someone worried that the black sheep might actually have a plan and a life for themselves.

Cool, I don't even detect worry in the ops posts, if I did I would be far more generous but I detect no generosity of spirit in them.

And in those circumstances yes I would always and 100% back the person trying to better themselves. Ive seen to many families, personally and professionally, try to hold people back one way or another.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 31/08/2013 00:01

My parents didn't support me financially....I don't resent them. I think they did me a MASSIVE favour. I had to sort out accomodation, in addition to get myself to interviews in London and fill out all the forms...on my own.

I am always gobsmacked at the amount of babying teens get from the parents on Mumsnet.

RussianBlu · 31/08/2013 00:07

I think the majority are being unfair on the Op. I worry about the fact that he is going to be in Camden of all the places! Plenty of temptation to distract him there!

catinabox · 31/08/2013 00:19

I'd be worried too if i was OP. I'd also not want to fund a lifestyle. I get the impression that the attraction of Camden, London etc might be a bigger draw to this young person than going to Uni. Uni is perhaps facilitating a move?

And what neomaxi said too.

It really lovely that some people are able to support their teenage children through everything. I honestly believe that there comes a time when DC have to fend for themselves for a while. Teenagers/ young adults need rites of passage, to do things on their own, to make mistakes, to fail, struggle, work things out. A few years of wilderness are not a bad thing. We can rob our young people of this if we swoop in too quickly and provide for them every step of the way.

I'm convinced of that. The most well rounded and resilient adults I know are adults who have had to work things out for themselves at one time or another.

I hope DS doesn't fall back on is getting loans / debts to fund his lifestyle.

OP has good reason to be slightly cynical of her DS motives by the sound of it.....

cumfy · 31/08/2013 01:29

What has he taken/stolen from you ?

Goldenbear · 31/08/2013 02:32

You think you're a lovely Mum- why? The best parents I've ever known are a little more humble than that.

Loads of young people take drugs - its not an indicator of future success.

Enforced hardship won't necessarily result in success for your son, so don't pat yourselves on the back thinking you're doing him a huge favour just yet. Equally, plenty of young people get financial assistant from their parents and are successful in the long run. Next you're going to suggest the class system no longer exists in this country- which we all know is bollox and as long as it does there will be people who do really well out of life precisely because of that continuous and expected support.

Jackanory1978 · 31/08/2013 03:27

You don't sound like a very nice person and you sound particulary spiteful towards your ds. Why aren't you encouraging/supporting him? Yes he gave up his job to go to uni, but hopefully uni will lead to a better job. Do you have a degree incidently? Are you jealous that your son has this opportunity? You mention it was 'only' £60 a wk he was paying you as if that's nothing; well why bother charging the £60 at all?

CoolStoryBro · 31/08/2013 04:23

Are you all drunk?! Because there is a whole load of bullshit being spouted on this thread.

DolomitesDonkey · 31/08/2013 04:30

Are some of you stupid or just mental?

"Drip-feeding"? OP says in her first post that he'll just spunk any cash on drink & "smoke".

170 quid a week on a glorified bedsit? For those of you who don't wince at the sheer thought of that, your financial position is clearly not as contracted as that of OP.

As previous poster said - what a load of shite being spouted on this thread.

Finally - yes, there are fucking CRAPPY DEGREES and "getting in" to university is a bit of a joke really isn't it? You don't need an IQ of 160 and the cure for cancer in your back pocket do you?

EricNorthmansFangbanger · 31/08/2013 05:17

The student loans company assessments are a bit rubbish. It is over 25 or being financially independent for 3 years before the start date of your course to be assessed for grants.

On a different note, please tell your son to ask whether his college runs an access to learning fund. It is separate to student finance and may be really useful to him. You many need to provide him with a letter stating that you're not supporting him financially and why. He will also need to provide other evidence, such as his award letter etc. At my university the maximum amount awarded for the year was £3500. Whatever the award was they paid it in two instalments so it couldn't all be spent at once. It is a grant that doesn't need to be paid back, so definitely worth while for him to look in to.

SourSweets · 31/08/2013 05:31

I moved to London to do a degree that many people thought had no future, my parents weren't able to support me entirely but helped when they could. I worked every night in a bar to cover my expenses, pissed some of it away but very quickly realised I couldn't do that anymore if I wanted to keep a roof over my head. Im now working in my field, still living in London and married with a new baby.

There's nothing like the fear of being homeless in a big city to encourage you to live wisely. Your son could look into jobs at the student union, or there are plenty of bars in Camden. He could temp during term breaks or get a weekend retail job. Uni is a great experience and will set him up for much more than just a job. Good luck to him and I hope your concerns turn out to be unfounded.

Wuldric · 31/08/2013 05:32

Unpleasant dynamic, in this relationship.

I don't think your son is in 'for a hefty fall'. You might be, though.

roughtyping · 31/08/2013 07:26

Shock I can't believe the flaming you've got OP!

No I don't think it's right for you to support him - he's 21 and has previously been working FT.

I was a single parent at 17 and went to uni, was still assessed as being supported by my parents - I worked 2 jobs as well as uni FT to support DS & I. When I did my postgrad I was 23 so viewed as independent, so received more in the way of grants (I'm in Scotland).

I don't really understand why everyone's having a go at you. I'm assuming you're not saying to your son that you'll think he'll fail. Like you said, you're supporting him emotionally - we all have things we need to have a moan about.

He will succeed, or learn the hard way how to look after himself.

yellowballoons · 31/08/2013 07:41

But it is the underlying attitude of the op that is really the issue isnt it?

Does she want him to succeed or deep down, does she want him to fail?

To me, it sounds as if the op was partly wishing him to fail, and wanting him to fail. And even a part of her was ready to say "told you so" or even worse "you will never amount to anything".

And may also look down on him as she thinks that all he can do [and thinking all that he is fit for] is bar work.

I wonder what the thoughts are from the son. Whether it is "party", "I have a chance here", "I hope my parents support me in all ways", etc.
Or even "will they welcome me back home if this goes wrong, even if I try hard".

yellowballoons · 31/08/2013 07:45

Even her op name helovesmehelovesmenot may be hinting at something too.
It also sounds like she wants to drop him from a height to see if he sinks or swims - like she had to at 21?
I think the op has quite a bit of thinking to do.

Though this is all tricky.
But, and I could be wrong, it could go wrong very quickly.

I dont know something nowadays. If say for instance,he wants to stop doing his FD at christmas, is it only 1 year's fees and rent that is lost?

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