To think my son is heading for a hefty fall?

[Helovesmehelovesmenot]

My DS who is soon to be 21 is heading of to UNI in London next weekend but he has NO money saved even though he has worked for nearly 2 years, his loan only just covers his rent £170 per week and he cannot get a grant as apparently we earn too much, I would beg to differ as we have always lived to our means we have no spare cash to help him out. He will arrive in London without a penny to his name and a promise of food parcels from his dad for three months ( all we can run to I am afraid) and we will not send him cash as he will smoke and drink it. ( who wouldn't at that age) I am just thinking he should have stayed at work and not bothered at all, but he thinks London streets are paved with gold. Are there plenty of bar jobs down there in Camden as that is about all he can do?

Just want to add my voice of support op, I don't think you sound unsupportive just realistic. I have a friend in a very similar situation with a 21 year old son, the strain it is putting on her both emotionally and financially is phenomenal. As for those saying Op should have been saving some of his keep, really?

It's not the DS's fault that the system expects parents to provide financial support for university students. For all the posters saying he should support himself the system is pretty much designed so that is impossible.

Anyway the OP has already said she had gone guarantor on his accommodation so I suspect she is going to be faced with the liability soon regardless of her intentions and attitude.

Cant believe the bashing the Op is getting.

She has a son who has worked FT for 2 years and paid minimal keep of £15 a week, thats a pittance.he probably ate that in a couple of days, not to mention access to all utilities etc and in those 2 years he has saved absolutely nothing, zero, zilch.

Even if he was only on NMW he would earn around £750 for FT on the 18 to 20 year old rate so at least £600+ quid in his pocket after his £60 a month keep. Loads of people survive on much less disposable income than this.

He has chosen a flat in Camden at £170 a week which is all of his grant ( there are cheaper house shares in less trendy areas so again not a wise financial decision)
He chose to jack in his job to go to Uni, and the OP is being slated for not financially supporting him, even though she says that financially they are barely coping.

They have already offered food parcels and guarantor on his flat. that alone would scare me stupid, especially if he has past history of not managing his finances.

he is an adult and has chosen to go to Uni. OP is struggling and has been supporting him financially for the last 2 years even though he was earning. there comes a time when adults have to take responsibility for the decisions they make, without expecting their parents to bail them out.
She had no say in his decision, yet is being called a bad parent for not wanting to be his fall back if it goes wrong.

OP I can understand your worry as you know him better than anyone else and feel that this decision he has made is ill thought out and can undertsand fully why you feel unwilling and unable to support this decision.

his choice, he needs to deal with it.

Well then uni will make or break him - and digital animation can lead to lots of interesting jobs - and London is the place to be for that career.

And even if he didn't make it in animation the application shown in achieving a degree adds to employment prospects in other fields.

If it breaks him thrn is he any worse off if he has been taking drugs for years living with you? Though that is the biggest worry of him living in london - more freely available drugs and possibly dangerous people involved in that lifestyle.

So if you can't offer financial support as long as you offer emotional support - going to visit him etc hopefully you can steer him in the right direction.

Helovesmehelovesmenot What are you hoping to gain by posting? Vindication? Are you questioning whether your attitude to your son is right? It sounds to me as if you are unsure about this yourself and I think it is questionable.

You have to let him go, you don't have to support him. The money could help him succeed, books etc. Do you want him to succeed? Will you be there to pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong?

To the people on here that are viciously attacking the OP and saying how nasty she is...... Take a good look at yourselves and look how you are treating someone that has merely come on here to sound out some concerns.

People like you are the reason why mumsnet has such a bad name sometimes!!

Twiddlebum Notice I said questionable not wrong.

TBH honest the OP sounds so...adamant...sure, in the way she had written, I did wonder, why post? So then I wondered that maybe she is questioning her own attitude. Hence my question.

YANBU

He's an adult. He will have a roof over his head and you are making sure he will not starve while he finds his feet.

The rest should be up to him.

No wonder we have so many childlike adults if the majority of responses on here are anything to go by

OP he will need to get a job to finance himself he took the piss for 2 years it is time to stand on his own 2 feet imo he will manage he will have too does he expect you to give him money to live ? he needs to find a cheaper place to live if he can, not everybody has spare cash to support adult children ,

Poor boy is probably glad to get away from such an unsupportive family ~ I hope he does brilliantly and has a fab life without you

poor boy he is a grown man do people really fel sorry for this man

Yabu (and not very supportive at all).

mrsjay yes, I do feel sorry for him because if your own family can't show you support then who can and my children will always be my 'babies' no matter what their age

I am sure you could help him out with a tenner now and again. If my son goes to university when he is older I will do everything I can to support him and I would be incredibly proud. It sounds to me you are discouraging him from bettering himself

this man has decided to go to university in London where things are expensive he had a job did not save to go to his university got a loan that covers his rent, I think the parents are being supportive they just cant afford and dont want to leave them short to support an adult going through university that HE chose, when is the right age for them to be an adult when do we stop having to look after them My own 20 year old stays at home and travels we can not afford to pay for an adult to live away from home.

OP you don't sound very supportive of your son.

My father wasn't keen on the idea of me going to Uni as he didn't have two pennies to rub together. I still went and supported myself by working and it was the best thing I've ever done.

However, my father did his best to support me in other ways such as doing my washing in the first year to save on launderette bills and letting me live at home in the final year for £25 a month to cover a small part of the bill.

His motto has always been "you didn't ask to be born and therefore I owe you, you don't owe me". Even now as adults he'd give us his last penny if we needed it.

I feel a bit sorry for your son. Yes, he needs to start standing on his own two feet but couldn't you be a bit more supportive and help him in other ways instead of almost appearing as though you want him to fail?

I think the OP has had a hard time but largely due to the phrasing of her first and earliest posts. I think it boils down to the following.

If he is doing the degree because he wants to be in London he is going about things the wrong way. If he wants to do the degree and it happens to be based in London and there are few other alternatives, he is going about things the right way.

London is brilliant. I have lived here for more than 30 years. There are tons of job opportunities for bright, hard working usually non british people prepared to graft and take NMW, culture, lights, busyness. But there is also a darker side of abandonment, drugs and street life.

If his mind is made up, the best thing you can do is alert his tutor and the pastoral services at uni.

If he's home by Christmas, all you can do is pick up the pieces and support him to.

He might be OK. He might realise what life, a good life, in london is really like and how much he needs to fund it.

OP I think he is a grown man, you have made it clear he has to support himself so its choice, I don't think you owe him anything, you have offered food and that's enough, he has chosen to live in an expensive flat, he could have moved further out and saved cash, he might be lucky and get a job, however Camden is not the best area for someone that likes to take drugs, lots of temptation there, hopefully he will stick at the course and do you proud.

On the flip side this man has held down a job for nearly 2 years, paid his board and lodgings, cannot get funding as government say his parents have to contribute.

He must be very determined to do this since I expect the OP has told him in no uncertain terms they will not support him and is dismissive concerning his potential for success.

The "we will not send him cash as he will smoke and drink it. ( who wouldn't at that age)" sounds like OP is dismissive regarding his abilities, she admits this is an assumption regarding all young people with the 'who wouldn't'. It sounds like, from the tone of her post, she resents being told she should contribute by the authorities.

However the son sounds like he is prepared to do this with or without the support. Hope all goes well for him.

OP I am sorry you have received some harsh comments.
I am totally with you.

When I met my DH, he was 26 and in the final year of a degree in music in London. He too left a job to do it, he had a loan which covered rent and his parents were giving him £250 a month. He didn't work a single second, went home to sponge off them during the holidays (still not working) and pissed away their money on drink.

He too was obsessed with Camden (your son will be surrounded by drink and drugs and dickheads btw, I grew up there!)

when he met me, he grew he fuck up, but his degree was useless and now he's in a mundane office job he hates.

I can't believe his parent a facilitated his lifestyle.

I have a ten year old and believe me, in your shoes in 11 hers time I would not be very supportive if my ds wanted to do what your son is doing.

I would imagine OP has been trying for the last two years to get DS to save something but he hasn't and now OP is pissed off about it

He's nearly 21. Many people on here were in relationships and working f/t at this point. In a few years, this boy will be in a relationship and his girlfriend might be posting on here saying how useless he is with money; will those people getting at the OP be replying to his girlfriend's posts saying, ah, bless-he's just a boy'...

I think you have got a bit of a battering OP it isn't fair you sound worried about your son or you wouldn't be posting on here you would say oh bugger him he can do what he likes I don't care you do care, we don't all have the funds to support a lifestyle of young adult children if people want to do that then it is fine but if they don't that is gine, I think what makqueen made sense he seems to want to go for the lifestyle of London, which is probably quite seedy in places

will those people getting at the OP be replying to his girlfriend's posts saying, ah, bless-he's just a boy'...

nah they will blame the parents for babying him

Thing it this is his choice. Just as it is the OP's choice whether to support him financially.

Yes he is an adult so he is asserting himself and making a break. Yes he will probably make some mistakes, we all do. He is prepared to take that risk. That is adult behaviour unless he believes the OP will just back down at some point.

The OP has no choice but to let him, all she can decide is whether or how to support him. She has decided not to as she doesn't agree with his choice.

I actually think it is very difficult to judge from the outside, without more information. He may be determined to make it work, it is not impossible. He may have had his parents telling him what to do all his life and he just needs to make some decisions of his own and his own mistakes. Even though his parents may see his decision as flawed, sometimes the making it work, is what forces people to grow up.