To think my son is heading for a hefty fall?

[Helovesmehelovesmenot]

My DS who is soon to be 21 is heading of to UNI in London next weekend but he has NO money saved even though he has worked for nearly 2 years, his loan only just covers his rent £170 per week and he cannot get a grant as apparently we earn too much, I would beg to differ as we have always lived to our means we have no spare cash to help him out. He will arrive in London without a penny to his name and a promise of food parcels from his dad for three months ( all we can run to I am afraid) and we will not send him cash as he will smoke and drink it. ( who wouldn't at that age) I am just thinking he should have stayed at work and not bothered at all, but he thinks London streets are paved with gold. Are there plenty of bar jobs down there in Camden as that is about all he can do?

• talkinpeace

if he's 21 and returning to study, why is your income being taken into account
hardship grants are not like what we had in the 80's

Hey, digital animation is not a crappy degree if you apply yourself, my BFs sister's DH does that and they are pretty well off and get to live all over the place. He's doing a lord of the rings atm so they are in NZ. It sounds like things are a bit strained right now but you could have a little faith :)

I did say about the degree it is a FD at a college linked to a uni in digital animation, very interesting I am sure but not exactly a future career for someone.

See this is one of the issues with looking for advice/support on this kind of forum. The people giving their opinions know practically nothing about the OP or her son or their relationship.
If we had know he was 'drug taking and stealing' from the start of this conversation the responses would have been different.

Not supporting him financially is one thing but it a shame that you can't be pleased that he seems to be making some positive life choices. The fact that he is doing something different to you and your other children does not necessarily mean it won't work. Supporting him verbally and emotionally would make a big difference.

Im sorry but if any of my dc decide to leave full time employment aged 21 then they wont be getting much financial help from me.

A bit of help here and there yes but full on regular financial help? No chance.

Where does it stop.

Would you all have the arse if I posted saying my mum wouldnt support me aged 31?

Don't think so.

I'm with you on the money thing op but you should be 100% behind your son. He is trying to better himself. You should be proud of that.

I'mnot impressed with your tone op.

So your son has made mistakes. But he's also been working constantly. Hes got himself onto a degree course and actually what I think is a really popular one.

He's getting himself away from the bad influences you say he's been under with taking drugs (even though he's managed to work constantly)

And all you can do is sneer? Because that's what your re doing.

I'll tell you something. I sat with my mil (usually a lovely woman) before christmas when my DH was struggling at uni and she thought he was going to quit and I swear she smirked.

Because she couldn't do it or make it and she didn't think he should.

Find a little generosity of spirit even if you can't rustle up a couple of quid eh?

(for the record my DH graduated this summer with a good degree from a russell group uni but he is very Aware it's in spite of and not because of his family. I hope your son doesn't end up feeling the same)

You might as well have written "I wish he would get back in his box how dare he aspire".

Bit of a drip feed OP when you only mention drug-taking and unacceptable behaviour quite a way into the discussion?

You see that changes everything. No, you're right not to support him in those circumstances.

Zzzzz I think so a bit, he only just scraped though a Btech in music tech so I do think it is a bit pointless yes, and he is not the most applied and studios of men but I really do hope he does it and shows me just how wrong I am I really do I would never WANT any of my children to fail at anything but I think you need to be aware of you strengths and capabilities.

At 21 he should be responsible for himself. He is an adult even if the government don't think so presuming he left school at 18 its been well over 2 years, of course he should have saved some money in that time! I work with a number of 'gappers' saving for uni.
I'm sure the OP tried advising him but was met with withering

My DS2 went to uni with the money he earned in summer between school and uni, we didn't take board during that time as CB was paid until the Sept. He has been self supporting since. He is proud of that. We couldn't afford to support him and as we have always been honest about money he didn't expect it. He has now graduated and is working not earning much above NMW but hey ho and is still living in his uni town as he couldn't afford the same standard of living if he moved back to here without moving home with us which he doesn't want to do.
He doesn't like living there but is realistic about his situation.

He has our emotional and moral support but financially its down to him.

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time.

It sounds to me like your waster son has given up a good job to move to one of the most expensive cities in the world without enough money to support himself.

I can't see any reason at all why you should subsidise his drug taking over the last 2 years by giving him money you don't have.

This could go either way for him. He might get inspired by his course (and digital animation isn't the worst thing he could be doing) and start working his bollocks off.

Or he could go down to London to live a student lifestyle and fall on his arse because he's still smoking too much and not applying himself.

He's probably better off going than staying though, despite his decent job, he hasn't made much of himself since leaving school.

This could be the making of him.

But don't make it too hard for him to come back if he needs to, eh?

He's still a very young man, and knowing you are there if the shit really hits the fan is important.

Now then, don't get me wrong i would NEVER let on to my son that I think he is making a massive mistake, I am not a cow, I and my husband are supporting him all we can emotionally and verbally, I am just sounding off for a bit of relief from my worries really.

My dad offered to support both me and my brothers through uni. I went for a year then dropped out. Went to college and self supported as a single mum and now have an alright job. My oldest brother went to college part time and trained to be a joiner whilst working the rest of the week with y grandad. My middle brother, my dad paid his rent for years whilst he trained to become a chartered accountant. He's now working in finance earning £80,000+ a year. Too right il be encouraging and supporting my children through university.

To be honest I'm not surprised your son takes drugs when you talk about him the way you do. Have you ever thought that may be the reason. See if someone's constantly putting you down and making you feel like a disappointment, then taking drugs and stealings not a big deal when you already feel the lowest of the low and like everything you do is wrong.

I think you need to get off his back and give him a break. Poor guy.

I think you sound really mean to be honest. If your income is assessed as being high enough to help him and you have had £60 a month from him on top of that for the last two years you really don't sound like a very nice mother. Agree with others that you seem to be hoping he fails which makes me very sad for him.

I think the university experience is a really valuable part of growing up. DH and I both loved it and wanted our children to have that same chance if they wanted it. I had very little support when I went which, unlike you, made me more keen to do whatever I could for my children. We paid what we could and helped out with food and other bits here and there, both DCs had a great time and the experience has made them the great young adults they are now. Our support for them has kept us all as a close and loving family.

Maybe he wants to go to get away from the "loving and supportive" environment you are providing. I hope he does well.

Well you aren't coming across as a concerned mother at all.

I have no hesitation giving you a hard time, and it's got sod all to do with the money. Whether you think you are or not, you have already decided its a bad idea and he will fail and he is a waste of space (ffs he has been working and paying board) and you willbe translating that disbelief to him.

Many of us make stupid mistakes when we are young, me included, and go on to be fine. At 21 he is more likely to be successful as a student than at 18 actually.

If you can't afford to I wouldn't expect you to give him money but for gods sake believe in him.

It sounds like getting out of the home, and on to his own two feet is going to be good for everyone involved, being unable to save (if that was through drinking lots away or just not having enough) despite only having 60quid a week housing costs, it sounds like the loan and the moving to London was the only way he saw to get out of home.

Good luck to him, it'll be tough, but I expect he'll get by.

I do think the OP's attitude sounds rather gloating about his potential failure, which seems pretty strange. There's nothing wrong with not being able to financially support your children at any age, but particularly as adults. However not encouraging them to succeed does seem pretty strange.

Lots I am going to refrain from commenting on here...

1. Sounds like the first thing he needs to do is talk to his institution's finances office and find out about hardship/crisis loans. They do exist. Certainly for people who come to university without a penny in their pocket if that is literally true.

1. He doesn't need to live in Camden for £170 a week. That's prime central London. It's not a skanky cheap shithole any more, if that's what he knows it as by reputation (well, it is a bit skanky in places but it's definitely not cheap). Though it may be too late for this year/term to back out of that.

Posted too soon.

If hes had trouble with drink and drugs, will he be able to cope with the stresses of acedemic work? I am a teetoller and it nearly finished me off. I would advise him to seek help from the university counselling pastoral service as soon as he gets there. Its all very confidential so his lecturers wont be notified without his permission first. They can help him access free advice and put boundaries in place should he feel the need to slip back into old habits.

At the first sign of problems he must speak to his
personal tutor, thats what they are there for.

He should also try to get a p/t Xmas temp job while he is looking for something permanant. The shops wikk be advertising soon. Waterstones bookshop on Gower Street (right by UCL) often advertises for temp book sellers during start of term & Xmas. They put an ad in the window sometimes or just walk in & ask to speak to the manager.

He should spend time now getting his cv ready and applying for as many jobs online as possible from B&Q to BHS.

He will need cash for travel & other unexpected costs, you cant send him penniless as he might get into something dodgy to make money iyswim.

He loves Camden and chose that and the college just so he could live there, I must say it is a lovely place especially if you are arty like he is it is just dammed expensive, I should be proud that he is confident enough to arrive in a city without a pot to piss in, I know I wouldn't dare do that I think you have given me a lot to think about with regards to my inner thoughts of his imminent failure, I will stick with the proud feeling of his confidence if nothing else.

What's a FD? I think a degree in digital animation will probably equip the ds for great career.

However I can understand that parents might not have the means to support a child through uni ( and I really don't agree that parents should still bear financial responsibility for someone who is an adult after all) I had a dreadful time when I was young and without parental support because even though it was in the days of student grants, my parents refused to sign the grant forms, which completely screwed up my mental health although very luckily my tutor found a charity willing give me some financial support.

FD = Foundation degree. You do 2 years study at HE level at FE College/Uni to get foundation degree which you can then convert to full BA/BSc by going to Uni for a further year. FD usually overseen by Uni that you will spend the 3rd year with.

For example 2 years FD at City of Bath College then 1 years at Plymouth University.

Foundation Degree 2 years with an option to do a third year after.

I think he is probably better off without your help anyway OP - not that you're really giving him any. Maybe try to remember not to be resentful if he becomes successful but chooses to limit his help & support to you in your older years.

it is such a shame that fees are assessed this way. who wants to be beholden to parents at that age?