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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my son is heading for a hefty fall?

145 replies

Helovesmehelovesmenot · 30/08/2013 20:55

My DS who is soon to be 21 is heading of to UNI in London next weekend but he has NO money saved even though he has worked for nearly 2 years, his loan only just covers his rent £170 per week and he cannot get a grant as apparently we earn too much, I would beg to differ as we have always lived to our means we have no spare cash to help him out. He will arrive in London without a penny to his name and a promise of food parcels from his dad for three months ( all we can run to I am afraid) and we will not send him cash as he will smoke and drink it. ( who wouldn't at that age) I am just thinking he should have stayed at work and not bothered at all, but he thinks London streets are paved with gold. Are there plenty of bar jobs down there in Camden as that is about all he can do?

OP posts:

FatimaLovesBread · 30/08/2013 21:22

Sorry x-post a lot

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/08/2013 21:23

Well, not having financial and otherwise support from your parents to study at uni has not exactly led to much good for you, being so bad off you need board from your child, havent really taught you much. Hopefully your son will learn more.

impatienttobemummy · 30/08/2013 21:23

I agree with worrysigh you sound just like my DM when I went to uni, been self sufficient since that day and never looked back! He'll make it.

CreatureRetorts · 30/08/2013 21:24

What happened that you all of a sudden needed board when you'd been looking after him before he could earn?

You're not proud he's going to university?

That's very sad. I didn't have any support from parents (no fault of my mum's - she is unable to work and no dad around) and I felt sad seeing the other support people had.

Yes your son will learn the hard way (I went to uni in London) but at least have a heart - he's the way he is because you brought him up that way.

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/08/2013 21:24

Wow, not sure why my friends daughter is treated as adult.

ArtVandelay · 30/08/2013 21:24

Hmmm. Did you have a hard time when you were young? Cos it sounds like you want him to fall on his arse :( I hope he does great and has you chowing down on your bitter words. Cheer up, fgs, you have a lovely son who has held down a job for 2 years and now wants to go to uni and is committed despite potential difficulties. Think you need to cop on and realise your good fortune YANBU.

GroupieGirl · 30/08/2013 21:24

I am curious about what degree he is doing that you think 'crappy'. [Prepares judgey pants in case it's a BA in Klingon].

On the whole I think you're well within your rights not to support him. My parents didn't; I took a gap year and chose to spend it pissing about with a backpack in Bangkok rather than earning money - my choice. They certainly didn't have the money to support me, nor would they have if they did, I think. I worked hard to support myself and learned a lot. And I was two years younger than your son.

He'll be fine, or he won't. But at 21 he should definitely be encouraged to stand on his own two feet. Good for you.

ArtVandelay · 30/08/2013 21:25

YABU even - I maybe need to cop on too :)

CaptChaos · 30/08/2013 21:25

You are my vile DM and I claim my £5

PoppyAmex · 30/08/2013 21:25

I'm not even thinking about the money, but I'd be crushed if my parents had so little faith in me that they insisted I continued working in a bar instead of accepting a place at uni for a crap degree

That's the lack of support I'm finding shocking.

WetAugust · 30/08/2013 21:25

It's 25 to be assessed as independent Quin unless they declare they are estranged from their parents.

I think the OP should contribute something - even just a small notional amount. It shows you care.

GroupieGirl · 30/08/2013 21:27

In what world should someone pay board and then expect it back later?! My mum owes me loads of money if this is the case.

Turniptwirl · 30/08/2013 21:27

£60 a month is hardly an income stream! It probably didn't even cover the cost if OP was feeding him!

I think it's the son's fault for not saving any money while working and paying very minimal board costs. When did he decided to do the degree? Could he put it off for a year to do some serious saving?

I don't think parents who are struggling themselves should have to be responsible for choices made by their adult children. Supportive yes, but not responsible.

I have friends in their 30s still living at home rent free, those of you who throw money at your student children, when do you stop?!

PoppyAmex · 30/08/2013 21:29

OP doesn't want to pay, fine.

But actively discouraging her son from wanting to better himself and wishing he fails, is disturbing.

Original poster

Helovesmehelovesmenot · 30/08/2013 21:31

He is doing a FD in a college linked to a uni in Digital Animation an he had a ful time job as a printer not in a bar but would not get PT work doing that the only other work he knows is bar work, I think you are al slightly misunderstanding this is a boy who has been drug taking and stealing from us for years he has been rude to the rest of the family, of course I want him to succeed we live him but we wish it wasn't going to be such a risky road to succes for him and us, I am a lovely mum and he has had a good upbringing we have other kids who work and do not take drugs and steal we did nothing diffrent with any of them.

OP posts:

SpecialAgentCuntSnake · 30/08/2013 21:32

YABU because I think he's rising from the ashes, not falling into the fire.

Talkinpeace · 30/08/2013 21:32

I must be missing something.
He's 21 and off to uni?
Grants went out with the ark
Why at 21 is he being means tested on you?

ConfusedPixie · 30/08/2013 21:32

YANBU, he'll need a job or he'll be screwed. Do check if he can get out of the student let though, DP did with two weeks to go, they laughed in his face and wished him luck finding a new house, weren't impressed when he pointed out that's why he wasn't staying in a student let

It's crap though isn't it? DP went back to uni at 22. Had quite a bit saved but most of that had been put into one of those saving account things that you can't touch for X amount of time (shortly before he made the decision to go to uni).

Because he had lived at home within 3 years of applying (it was 2.5 years before and three months before uni started as his tenancy ended at his flat) they classed it as his Mum supporting him. So no grants even though she is a single parent with a teen daughter at home with no spare cash and she was just over the grant boundary line financially. Never mind the fact that he had been financially independent from her for 6 years by this point too.

It won't be until his third year starting 2015 (taking a year out) that his loans/grants can be based on our income and not his mother's

Very flawed system there!

bringbackopalfruits · 30/08/2013 21:34

Please tell us what the "crappy" degree is, OP. Your son must have gone something right to get a place at uni.

You come across as really smug in your posts. Ok so he's made a mistake not saving any money, but to sound so "I told you so" about his current situation. I'd be sad if my mum talked about me in this way, and if I ever heard myself talking about my DS's in this way

Tuppenceinred · 30/08/2013 21:34

He's been in work for 2 years, is 21 years old and has decided to ditch the job and go to Uni. In those circumstanced I can't understand why some people are giving Op a hard time. He's a bloody adult, he could be married with children. Yes he paid board when he lived with his parents, but £60 a month wasn't 100% of his income. You're right Op, at some point adults have to learn to take decisions and face the consequences. He's not a child.

CoffeeandNumbers · 30/08/2013 21:34

Waiting to find out what crappy degree he's doing...

Yanbu. I will not be supporting my daughter through uni. She will be made well aware of this in advance. (She's only ten weeks old mind)
So many of my peer group went to uni and either had a big piss up or are working in completely different fields. About 5% of people in my year are actually working in a degree related job. Even the ones that did serious vocational degrees like nursing and law.
It's quite depressing.

raisah · 30/08/2013 21:35

Tell him to sign up with Brook Street temping agency as they supply temps to a variety of industries including NHS & education sector. My friend did this, she worked 2 days a week right the way through university.

Alternatively, he coukd sign up as a student ambassador and earn money helping other students out.

Bar work is not advisable if you think he will fritter his earnings away on drink & cigarettes. Also, the late nights are not compatible with 9am lectures.
He cant afford to miss more than 3 lectures without a good reason as they take electronic lectures.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/08/2013 21:35

OP said the household needed his board so, yes, it was an income stream they depended on.

Now that DS is moving out perhaps the OP could get a lodger in.

passmetheprozac · 30/08/2013 21:36

it maybe the making of him. As an outsider looking into what you have posted it looks as though you expect him to fail. the only time he will fail in this situation is if he doesn't try.

Original poster

Helovesmehelovesmenot · 30/08/2013 21:36

Talking eave, look it up on SLC website it is all a bit confusing but grants did not go out with the ark they are still around for the very poorest students as they should be.

OP posts:

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