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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my son is heading for a hefty fall?

145 replies

Helovesmehelovesmenot · 30/08/2013 20:55

My DS who is soon to be 21 is heading of to UNI in London next weekend but he has NO money saved even though he has worked for nearly 2 years, his loan only just covers his rent £170 per week and he cannot get a grant as apparently we earn too much, I would beg to differ as we have always lived to our means we have no spare cash to help him out. He will arrive in London without a penny to his name and a promise of food parcels from his dad for three months ( all we can run to I am afraid) and we will not send him cash as he will smoke and drink it. ( who wouldn't at that age) I am just thinking he should have stayed at work and not bothered at all, but he thinks London streets are paved with gold. Are there plenty of bar jobs down there in Camden as that is about all he can do?

OP posts:

yellowballoons · 31/08/2013 11:01

I think this is a slightly mixed up thread.
The op did not give fuller details about her son until the 21.31pm post. And in the post before that she admits to being a bit gloaty which doesnt help.

She tends to rant first, and qualifies what she says in later posts.

greenfolder · 31/08/2013 11:41

my dd is off to uni in london- she get a loan of £7000 pa- her rent is £135 per week. she will have to get a job, but we will give her around £35 per week. that will cover food- she can walk to uni from her accommodation. i have told her we will give her this on the understanding that she does not get an account with an overdraft and run up further debts.

i might feel differently if she were 21 and had stolen from me for drugs. celebrate the fact he is going.

PoppyAmex · 31/08/2013 11:42

I don't think anyone is saying OP should finance him against her will, so all these posters talking about him being an adult and needing to stand on his own two feet are really arguing alone.

Of course he should and if she doesn't want to finance him that's fine.

The "flaming" OP got was about the GLEE she expressed (and admitted herself to be gloating) about the prospect of her son failing.

I don't care how old he is, it's bloody odd to wish ill on your children just to prove you are right.

Goldenbear · 31/08/2013 11:48

It is very convenient to think you're helping your children in the long run by not supporting them financially when they are studying. No doubt it does enable people to be self-reliant from a very young age but this doesn't necessarily result in someone becoming a 'success' in adulthood. Just like financial assistance from parents who can afford it does not result in a young person being 'unsuccessful' because they've always had that safety net. These are lazy stereotypes not facts. People are kidding themselves if they think like that.

Lots of very successful people have tons of help from family, whether that is financial or simply being the beneficiaries of favourable circumstances, such as having parents who will use connections to get them into certain fields. Equally, people fail academically because they cannot focus on their studies due to working too many hours to support themselves. People believe that there is some kind of virtue in poverty and that if they impose that view on their children it will be the making of them- that is not necessarily the case.

Goldenbear · 31/08/2013 11:51

I assume you do want your child to be a 'success' Op?

mrsjay · 31/08/2013 11:59

I think she is just pissed off and her words were harsh I do not think she wants her son to fail at anything she just does not want to fund his lifestyle which is fair enough, I think we all need to support our children how we see fit my child is supported through her degree but i cant afford her rent she didnt want to get a loan she she is at home while her friends are off out every other night getting hammered she is missing out on that experience but what are parents supposed to do

DontmindifIdo · 31/08/2013 12:10

Goldenbear - no, I think she wants him to suffer because of his previous behaviour first, then be repentant, then be a success in a way that involves doing things she values. From her posts, it does sound like se doesn't think he deserves this. It could be she's been waiting for him to have a "fall" for some of his bad behaviour, but he's one of those people who just bounces to the next thing without coming unstuck.

OP - I hope I'm wrong about you.

He'll be able to find a job, will have access to other credit and if he wants this, will be fine, and succeed. Would you be happy with that? Will you be happy to be wrong about him? For there to be no bad concequences long term for his behaviour?

Makqueen · 31/08/2013 12:27

There would have been other, cheaper ways for him to have continued his education whilst working though, OU, going part time to a uni or in the evenings.

In the ops shoes, I would be pissed off that he has applied to the uni hush because he gets to live in a shithole place that he finds appealing for the lifestyle he wants to lead.

It seems that the dream if living in London outweighs the course. I would be seriously hacked off in her shoes.

(It was the same for my dh as I mentioned above).

daftdame · 31/08/2013 12:33

He maybe wanted to leave home...

Goldenbear · 31/08/2013 12:37

Yes of course everyone has the right to determine the level of support for their adult child but I prescribe to the thinking that 'support' should be the absolute best it can be, not a compromised position in any way. Support is not just financial it also involves encouraging a positive outlook as this is the only way success is ever achieved. The Op has a very negative view of her son- how is that supportive?

Makqueen · 31/08/2013 12:39

He could also have applied to a uni in a cheaper city, or, if he wanted to leave home so bad he could have done while he was working or saved some of his earnings.

I hope his course does work out for him, but he could end up wasting thee years and ending up in a job he doesn't want if he gets to involve in living his dream life in Camden (why, why, why are people still obsessed with that place?!)

DontmindifIdo · 31/08/2013 12:44

Makqueen - sadly, not all degrees are treated equally by employers, and not all degree providers are able to offer the same links. For some industry based degrees, you're going to get a better level of teaching and access to the major employers by being physically based near that industry. In this case, London does make sense compared to distance learning or part time at a local college if they do't have anyone working in the field nearby.

Plus I know very few people who only took from their university time a degree, most also learned a lot about themselves and grew up, my friends who lived at home for uni do seem to have missed that and had to go through that all a little later.

LookAtTheTwain · 31/08/2013 12:45

He's 21 and a grown up. he's decided to give up his job and go back into study. It's his responsibility to support himself!

All these posters asking why you are not supporting him must have plenty spare cash at the end of every month!

forehead · 31/08/2013 12:55

I think people are being really harsh to the OP.
She has probably just had enough of her ds's behaviour.
My children are quite young, but I have made it clear to them that I expect them to be responsible when they are older.
When I was at uni, I had a Saturday job in a crummy shop. I hated the job with a passion, but it helped to pay for my books. food etc.
My mother assisted me as much as she could, but ultimately I was self sufficient.
Some of my peers were supported by their parents and smoked and drank away the money.
OP, your son needs to be 'taught a lesson'. He has to appreciate the fact that he has to take responsible for his actions. He is an adult, let him get on with it.

Makqueen · 31/08/2013 12:55

Dontmind - I know what you mean, but from what the OP has sad it does sound like her son just wants to be in London, regardless of course.

Animation is hard a hard business to get I too (similar to an industry I worked in), he will need experience which will mean making contacts and working for free - that's top of supporting himself and studying. If he's focused he can do it. If he wants to spend all his time drinking and hanging out in cool places, he won't.

I might be biased as I saw the same with my dh, he could have succeeded in his field, but was too busy drinking and having fun to chase opportunities and contacts and do hard graft for free. The only person he knows from his course who isn't two years later on the dole or doing a totally unrelated job is the one who was focused ands pent every hour chasing contacts and working in the field for nothing to gain experience.

Makqueen · 31/08/2013 12:56

God, bloody phone, sorry.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 31/08/2013 13:00

I think if the OP had come on looking for help:

".. son going to uni after some early problems, how do I support him when I cant afford to support him financially?....."

People would have fallen over themselves to help.

Instead I suspect that DontmindifIdo is spot on.

Awomansworth · 31/08/2013 13:00

I am laughing at all the posters giving OP a hard time.

OP son had a good job and gave his parents £60 a month! What the fuck has he done with all the rest of his earnings for 2 years.

He then decides to give up this job to go to University... fair enough, he's an adults he can do what he wants with his life.

Now that we've established that he is an adult he should therefore be funding this life change himself. OP has stated that they have given him advise and he doesn't want to take it and if they don't have the funds to helps him, what do you suggest OP does

I don't believe that you are doing your child any favours by bailing them out when they won't even help themselves.

LazyFaire · 31/08/2013 13:06

Digital Animation is not a lost cause of a degree, OK he probably won't end up working for Pixar, but websites, adverts, etc etc increasingly use it ALL THE TIME.

I would hate to think that my parents sit and make snide comments about my degree, which could be seen as similarly dead-end but wasn't. Instead, they supported me as much as they could. Transport, a listening ear, bought me new things like towels, donated old things like kitchen equipment, and yes financially too (some of which I am paying them back, FWIW). They did the exact same for my brother.

I hope your DS proves you wrong, tbh, as you seem to have a sort of cackling glee at the idea that the world will smack him in the face when he gets out there.

He's worked for two years, paid you £60 a month, and frittered the rest on weed and booze (I presume, was he also running a car/buying his own food etc?) well yes, there will be an adjustment period, he will figure out pretty quickly how to make his money work. There are plenty of bar jobs and that's what I did the whole way through Uni - So that I had spending money as well as living money. I was usually £10 away from totally skint, but I survived. He will too, have a little faith.

maddy68 · 31/08/2013 18:13

he will stand on his own two feet.
As his parents who obviously earn enough (otherwise he would get additional support other than the basic loan) I would expect you to support him in some way TBH
He can get a job while he is at Uni, Mu daughter did just that she has almost worked full time (too much) and she feused any financail support from us (we did pay her mobile phone bill)
why dont you set him up with tesco shopping linked to your card then at least you know he is having food! or send a weekly shop to him?

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