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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my DCs to be the super popular, "alpha" children at school

489 replies

dirtyface · 27/08/2013 16:55

partly inspired by the thread about do you buy your kids certain stuff so they can fit in (but not a thread about a thread i promise)

...it just got me thinking. i REALLY want my dcs to not just "fit in" (although i will be happy with that of course) but to be actively, super popular

they are only 4 (dd) and 7 (ds) at the moment so in year 1 and year 4 so just starting out really

but i think it starts young. tbh i can already see in DS's class who the in crowd are :o and luckily ds is friends with some of them but seems a bit on the periphery iyswim. popularity at junior school breeds confidence and a "popular reputation" and a casual expectation that people will like them which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy i think teachers tend to prefer the popular ones as well IME

it then IMO tends leads to success as an adult even if they dont do particularly well at school. for example, DH was very popular at school and although he left before even taking his GCSE's he has done very well at work, and always tends to be very popular where he has worked and ends up getting promoted a lot

so, those of you who have very popular DCs, whats their secret? and am a bit Blush asking this, but is it / has it been anything you do as a mum / parent to help them along a bit?

OP posts:
FrickingFracking · 27/08/2013 18:57

Apologies, that last post was written whilst cooking, talking on the phone and typing all at the same time. I hope it makes sense, there are too many typos to bother going back to correct!

UniS · 27/08/2013 18:58

I'd rather my son was confident to do HIS choice of thing regardless of popularity instead of blindly follow the IN crowd.

I've watched the " Alpha Males " of his class battle it out for top dog spot ever since pre school. I've also watched the wannabe boys trying soooo hard to be in the alpha boys circle that they will do ANYTHING the alpha boys suggest , however dumb it is. I'm glad my lad is one of the lone wolves , friendly with many, follower of none.

usualsuspect · 27/08/2013 19:00

I don't think there is anything wrong with being popular though.

I just think op is a bit weird for trying to make her DCs popular.

You either are or you ain't.

HighNoon · 27/08/2013 19:02

Popularity can be its own trap. If you got easy approval from playing the class clown, it can't be easy to become more serious when exams loom. At which point your jinks hurt yourself. Far better -as others have suggested - to help your child develop an independence of spirit so they can decide on the best course of action for themselves. Just don't ask me how! (Mum of popular class clown).

FrickingFracking · 27/08/2013 19:05

Sugar Yes, I had a similar experience when asked by the head of sixth to show some new starters around with her.

When we got into the sixth form common room the uber popular girl stood up, in front of the head of sixth form, and said that if the new starters hung around with me once they joined they'd be kicked out if they dared to turn up at one of the sixth form parties.

Nice and what did the head of sixth form do about this proclamation? Nothing, nothing at all.

And for those of you saying there are some bitter people on here? You're damn right I'm bitter, who wouldn't be after that?

Some children are genuinely just nice, friendly, witty and well liked. Being popular doesn't equal nasty. But in my experience the super popular, alpha child often is.

TVTonight · 27/08/2013 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantspel · 27/08/2013 19:10

There is nothing wrong with being Alpha. The world is made up of those who are natural leaders and those who prefer to follow on behind.
So why should it be any different for children.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 27/08/2013 19:11

Wow , interesting readingShock.

Ds1-18 was sunny of disposition, popular and invited everywhere as a child and still is, however he put a social life before learning and is regretting it now.

Ds2- is kind, sensitive , loyal , intense and very bright and has 3/4 peers he would consider friends worth standing up for, he's not popular yet he co
nsiders ' 'the crew' .twats so isn't bothered. He's no sheep and will do well in life as he doesn't need validation off his peers.

Ds3 is popular,school football captain and very clever, fairly popular but he doesn't follow the crowd and couldn't give a monkeys.

They have all found their own path with no interference from me,.

OP, stay out of it and let them find their own way.

nooka · 27/08/2013 19:12

If you have been bullied or watched your child being bullied (or just seen it from afar) then why wouldn't you be unhappy or bitter about it? Some children are not very nice and use their positions of power to be nasty to other people. That can make school hell. It's not 'Disney' (I thought Disney was supposed to bring connotations of loveliness?) it is for many children every day life. For years.

I wasn't bullied and for much of my life I was happy to be an outsider, so I am not personally angry, but in order to be an 'alpha' you do generally need to put other people down. It seems an odd aspiration for your child, but if you have been the bottom dog as it were I guess it isn't totally surprising to want your child to instead be at what you have been conditioned to believe is the top.

FloralPuddles · 27/08/2013 19:13

Coconutty who is wishing ill on other children? Shock

Forcing children to be someone other than who they naturally are is up there with wishing ill on kids though!

There is a difference between lovely, genuine kids liked by all who seem to become the same type of adult and those kids that could star in the "mean girls". Are those "mean girls" sort of kids ever really happy? I just know that the few I am in touch with through the curse that is FB are not happy adults.

I am not saying a popular child is a mean child who is destined to a life of doom and gloom but just be careful what you wish for I guess Op, if a personality is forced that's going to take some work and planning and could cause a whole world of long term heartache and insecurity.

DeWe · 27/08/2013 19:13

I don't. I want my dc to be in the popular etc. crew. I want them to have friends who like them for who they are, respect them as people and won't drop them if they have a "better offer". Ime that's what the "popular crowd" are inclined to do.

Having watched various children grow up in or out of the popular circle, I am sure it doesn't help them to either learn to be nice, or ultimately be a friend.

Coconutty · 27/08/2013 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaperSeagull · 27/08/2013 19:14

I would not wish for my children to be in the "alpha" group, because I simply don't have any desire to view the world in that way. In-crowds only exist because there are outsiders, the alphas vs. the rest, the cool kids vs. the uncool kids. Thanks but no thank you very much. Popularity as a goal in itself strikes me as rather sad. Having good friends and being kind to everybody is what I would strive for.

I wouldn't dream of saying that all children who belong to the popular crowd are unkind or destined to fail. That would be utter nonsense. Of course some children who are popular are also kind, friendly, and high achieving. But I'm equally rolling my eyes at the notion that popularity at school is simply the result of personal charisma that one either has or doesn't have. That isn't the way it works, IMO. Not even remotely.

FloralPuddles · 27/08/2013 19:15

sorry for typos. I have to come to terms with the fact that I just cannot multi task!

nooka · 27/08/2013 19:17

I think that's simplistic bullshit cantspell. The world is full of a huge variety of people with all sorts of characteristics, not sheep + leaders. There are plenty of people busy doing their own thing with little interest in those who consider themselves the bees knees or those who choose to follow them.

Caff2 · 27/08/2013 19:19

My son has never put anyone down. He puts himself down if anything, as he's not as bright as many of his peers and knows it, and uses self deprecation as a defence. But he does have an innate wit and charm, and has friends across all ten sets at secondary school. He's in set five himself, although struggles to remain there. This is an ordinary comp, not a selective school, and set five are not " high achievers" academically. He is in top sets for sport though, so I guess he fulfils a stereotype there.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 27/08/2013 19:20

I've read my thread back and some of it makes no fucking sense to me, I typed without actually processing my thoughts ignore it if you read it [ yes I'm a twat]

Earlybird · 27/08/2013 19:20

At dd's school, generally the popular girls :

  • wear trendy clothes/accessories/shoes that clearly have cost their parents significant, money and effort to acquire
  • often have older siblings, so are more sophisticated and on-trend (music, movies, video games, apps, social media stuff) as they have the 'benefit' of spending time around older kids
  • having older siblings, means the kids know/associate with older kids which gives a certain social cachet
  • are often the first to have 'stuff' - latest phones, headphones, newest trendy trainers, wearing makeup, shaving legs, fixing hair, etc
  • mature most quickly (leaving behind toys, games, etc), and tend to be first to try out smoking, boyfriends, drinking, using slang/swearing, etc
  • spend a lot of time together socially outside school
  • are first to have Facebook, Instagram, etc, and are prolific text-ers, photo post-ers, etc.
  • are first to become anti-parent with attitudes, rude comments to adults
  • keep their friendship groups to themselves, and are heavily invested in their status as 'popular girls' (ditto their Mums who often bask in the superior glow)
  • sometimes are the best athletes, but rarely the best students
  • sometimes are the prettiest, but rarely very thoughtful, kind, friendly.
  • are the most advanced at playing 'games' - i.e., actively ridiculing/excluding/ignoring others.

As you can tell, the popular girls at dd's school are not very nice - and yet, dd pines to be one of them. Personally, I'm thrilled she's not.

cantspel · 27/08/2013 19:23

So your huge variety doesn't include natural born leaders or followers? Just the people in the middle?
People like Sir Winston Churchill a natural leader in a time of war but would have been an also ran without it.

Taffeta · 27/08/2013 19:23

Not especially. I want them to have a trusted circle of friends and not be picked on. DS (9) is very sporty so you'd think he'd be an advantage, but he has been picked on by a previous best friend who is the Alpha/Silverback whatever they are called, because he was signed to a football academy just as the Alpha was let go from another.

I don't want DD to be an Alpha as it seems to me the Alpha girls at her primary school do not display the characteristics I'd like to encourage in DD.

PaulSmenis · 27/08/2013 19:24

Some of the geeky nerds I knew at school blossomed into the most interesting people.

I wouldn't want dc to be bullied, but I don't think being one of the in crowd is all it's cracked up to be. I would prefer them to be authentic people who march to the beat of their own drum and say "bollocks" to conforming if they don't want to.

nooka · 27/08/2013 19:28

That sounds like a pretty good description of the popular groups here too Earlybird, especially the last point. There is always a lot of drama going on with them. I am very very glad that dd is not much less close to the 'popular' group, even though she has lost friends and had a fair bit of heart ache along the way. And still thinks the queen bee is pretty/clever etc, when she really isn't anything very special.

Caff your son sounds very nice (although as parents I am sure we don't know the half of it - I've certainly caught both my two being less than nice on more than one occasion). He also doesn't sound as if he is consciously defining himself as being a part of the 'in crowd'/'pops' or whatever else the self proclaimed top group is called at his school.

I suspect that we are probably talking at cross purposes on this thread. Of course there is nothing wrong with being generally likable!

cantspel · 27/08/2013 19:28

Paul and if their drum is a more alpha drum is that ok too?

TVTonight · 27/08/2013 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HepsibarCrinkletoes · 27/08/2013 19:31

Only on fuckng mumsnet. Wat thoroughly depressing reading from a seemingly innocuous thread title. Some of you should be ashamed.