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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my DCs to be the super popular, "alpha" children at school

489 replies

dirtyface · 27/08/2013 16:55

partly inspired by the thread about do you buy your kids certain stuff so they can fit in (but not a thread about a thread i promise)

...it just got me thinking. i REALLY want my dcs to not just "fit in" (although i will be happy with that of course) but to be actively, super popular

they are only 4 (dd) and 7 (ds) at the moment so in year 1 and year 4 so just starting out really

but i think it starts young. tbh i can already see in DS's class who the in crowd are :o and luckily ds is friends with some of them but seems a bit on the periphery iyswim. popularity at junior school breeds confidence and a "popular reputation" and a casual expectation that people will like them which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy i think teachers tend to prefer the popular ones as well IME

it then IMO tends leads to success as an adult even if they dont do particularly well at school. for example, DH was very popular at school and although he left before even taking his GCSE's he has done very well at work, and always tends to be very popular where he has worked and ends up getting promoted a lot

so, those of you who have very popular DCs, whats their secret? and am a bit Blush asking this, but is it / has it been anything you do as a mum / parent to help them along a bit?

OP posts:
nooka · 27/08/2013 19:34

Cantspell you said "The world is made up of those who are natural leaders and those who prefer to follow on behind."

That strongly implies that you think there are only two sorts of people, leaders and sheep. Now you are saying that actually some leaders are only leaders in some situations (so probably not that 'natural' at all) which I would agree with, over time people take different roles in different situations. I don't think that the people who generally go their own way fall in the middle of some sort of scale between leaders and sheep, or that leaders and followers do not exist (how could I - alpha groups only exist because they co-opt followers) just that there is far more diversity that you originally appeared to suggest.

Katkins1 · 27/08/2013 19:36

There's nothing wrong with being talented, having the latest stuff (if you want it), pretty or any of the other things that make people 'popular'. Not all popular people are horrible. I'm friends with some of the popular people from my school still, and they are ace (I wasn't popular. At university, I'm not, until essay time when everyone's my friend, oddly!)

There is a difference between being popular, and the person who strives to be 'aplha'. Alpha suggests top-dog, and that you'd step on other people to gain for yourself. I sense that most people will see through that kind of behaviour.

PaulSmenis · 27/08/2013 19:38

cantspel, alpha or beta is not important. I just want them to be comfortable with being themselves and to be proud of who they are.

theboutiquemummy · 27/08/2013 19:40

Popular in school never translates in real life because they peaked to soon n the best years of their life are now behind them I would want that for my children

theboutiquemummy · 27/08/2013 19:41

I wouldn't want that bloody spell check

AmazingBouncingFerret · 27/08/2013 19:44

I was one of those people that were in the middle. I can happily count some of my friends being from the "alpha" popular group and others from the geeky not popular groups. All of them have done well for themselves in different ways. I think stereotyping 'popular' kids ending up in dead end jobs and the not popular being highly successful well rounded adults is a very black and white way of looking at things.

I only hope my children go to school and be happy, open minded and kind.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 27/08/2013 19:46

I'm compelled by this thread.

Ds-2 , not popular, is the most charismatic of my 3., he knows he's not ' in the loop', didn't attend The Prom and he doesn't give a fuck.

He has a healthy sense of his own worth, popularity didn't focus in forming that.

insummeritrains · 27/08/2013 19:47

please don't give your kids a complex about this. The popular ones when I was at school are now the ones who never left their home town, married the boy who lived around the corner, never travelled, no ambition and didn't do particularly well in their careers. Without exception.

Just making the point that it doesn't always follow that the popular kids are the most successful adults.

wordfactory · 27/08/2013 19:47

DD is very popular. She would be considered one of the Alpha Girls, I guess.

But people are making huge generalisations about what that means.

She doesn't wear make up. She doesn't even do her hair for school (scrape pony tail). She's hardworking. She's in the choir and what have you. She doesn't do any social media and doesn't even have a FB page!

She's certainly not a bully or unkind.

She's just naturally sunny and enthusiastic. People want to be around her.

TheSecondComing · 27/08/2013 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantspel · 27/08/2013 19:48

As the thread is about Alpha i thought it would be clear i was only referring to those sort of personality traits. Of couse there is those who fall somewhere in the middle.

There has been lots of medical research into natural born leaders and is it something you learn or part of your genetic makeup. Most finding come out of the side of it being part of their makeup with findings of more grey matter in places that control decision making and memory within the brain and higher dopamine levels.

Haven't got time to google for them now but i am sure i have read the studies somewhere online if anyone is interested.

usualsuspect · 27/08/2013 19:48

My DS was definitely not popular at school, he was far too cool for all that malarkey.Grin

He just played guitar mostly.

burberryqueen · 27/08/2013 19:49

again i think people are confused with 'well liked with lots of friends' and 'popular', understandably.

thebody · 27/08/2013 19:53

YouStayClassy, your posts sound eminently sensibly to me😄

I can only assume I am a distant parent to my 4 who are in or have been to high school but they were/ are academically average, had good mates, were happy and had the usual scrapes and rubs associated with high school.

my dds wear makeup and have long nails. they also play rugby and are not bitches or slags thank you.

my dss one was a computer playing type while other was sporty, both got on fine.

I think there is a lot if unresolved anger and bitchyness om this thread from mothers.

I hope your children are nicer. maybe send them to the local comp and ditch the competitive private school crap.

TheSecondComing · 27/08/2013 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aldiwhore · 27/08/2013 19:56

YABU. Mostly the 'alpha' children are obnoxious, spoilt little princes and princesses and are only popular because they're mean and other's don't want to get picked on.

I want my children to be happy, to do their best, and form friendships not win popularity contests.

I am not labelling ALL 'popular' children as little beasts of course, some are naturally popular but their parents would NEVER describe them as 'alpha' children, how utterly hideous.

Abra1d · 27/08/2013 19:56

'Alpha' is a pretty odd word to use if you mean it positively. It tends to imply pushy, first in the pack, perhaps swaggery.

I think of alpha children as those who have to win in all sports or games, talk loudly, have top parts in plays, push themselves to the front, etc.

That's not the same as popular.

TooMuchRain · 27/08/2013 19:56

At school I had friends in the popular/cool group and the geeky group - after we left school the popular ones stayed close to the environment they knew, worked in local companies, had children early etc. while the geeky ones all went to uni, most worked abroad and all are in nice creative/satisfying jobs now. Just different choices, maybe those who have been a bit slightly on the outside already are less worried about change?

AmazingBouncingFerret · 27/08/2013 19:57

"please don't give your kids a complex about this. The popular ones when I was at school are now the ones who never left their home town, married the boy who lived around the corner, never travelled, no ambition and didn't do particularly well in their careers. Without exception."

I've yet to leave my home town. I married the boy I met at 15 when I turned 18. I've not really travelled much and my 'career' was a 10 year stint at a toy shop.

Do you realise how insulting you sound? I consider my life incredibly successful.

wordfactory · 27/08/2013 20:02

I think there's a lot of what people wish were true on this thread.

All the popular/alpha kids are actually awful who end up miserable and unsuccessful????!!!!!!?????

Does this come from the same dustbin of shite that says all rich people are unhappy, all people in uber successful jobs are stressed?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 27/08/2013 20:02

thebody thank you Grin.

usualsuspect · 27/08/2013 20:04

You can have loads of friends be popular and still go to university.

You can be geeky and still work at McDonald's.

The stereotypes on this thread are hilarious.

wordfactory · 27/08/2013 20:06

I think it makes people feel better to assume that the popular/alpha DC are actually morally inferior to their less popular DC. Or they'll get their cumuppence...

simplesalad1 · 27/08/2013 20:06

From my experience I would say 'be careful what you wish for'. If we wish for anything it is that they are happy and healthy.

thebody · 27/08/2013 20:08

well absolutely. popular girls = early pregnancy and live near mom= and if happens so fucking what?

geeky girl= uni= fantastic career and travel= and if it happens so fucking what.

this had to be the most stereotyped crap on mumsnet.

I can quite see why some kids are spiteful with crap spouted like this to them at home. jeez!!!!