to want my DCs to be the super popular, "alpha" children at school

[dirtyface]

partly inspired by the thread about do you buy your kids certain stuff so they can fit in (but not a thread about a thread i promise)

...it just got me thinking. i REALLY want my dcs to not just "fit in" (although i will be happy with that of course) but to be actively, super popular

they are only 4 (dd) and 7 (ds) at the moment so in year 1 and year 4 so just starting out really

but i think it starts young. tbh i can already see in DS's class who the in crowd are :o and luckily ds is friends with some of them but seems a bit on the periphery iyswim. popularity at junior school breeds confidence and a "popular reputation" and a casual expectation that people will like them which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy i think teachers tend to prefer the popular ones as well IME

it then IMO tends leads to success as an adult even if they dont do particularly well at school. for example, DH was very popular at school and although he left before even taking his GCSE's he has done very well at work, and always tends to be very popular where he has worked and ends up getting promoted a lot

so, those of you who have very popular DCs, whats their secret? and am a bit asking this, but is it / has it been anything you do as a mum / parent to help them along a bit?

But few alpha children are actually nice people tbh, they have lived in a bubble of the wonderfullness so long , the become nasty intolerant adults.

I'm sure that's true bonsoir but I'm sure we can also all think of people who were very unremarkable at school and became unremarkable adults . The majority I suspect!

People can't help who they are. They can't help their personality. They can't help having talents or charisma or lack of it.

I think I went to school in the Twilight zone. The actual bitchy bullies weren't popular, they were considered to be twats and pretty much everyone was relieved when they never turned up for school. The popular people were generally rather nice and friendly, funnily enough they still are rather nice and friendly.

The very Alpha-est girl I have ever known is exceptionally nice and grounded. But she is so extraordinarily multi-talented that it belies belief (Oxford first, hot shot lawyer in Asia who did MBA and became an entrepreneur, speaks 10 languages, medal winning runner, singer-composer, actress, supermodel looks... You couldn't make it up!). I must ask her if she was ever Head Girl...

That's the way it rolled in my school Amazing. The bullies were generally good at nothing! Certainly not good at making friends!

I have one very popular child. Everyone loves him, children and adults. He is not nasty at all. The reason he is so popular is because he is very socially confident, funny, charming and he takes everyone under his wing. It amazes me that at such a young age you can take him out and he will always befriend someone. He likes people and he is very chatty.

I have another boy in the family who is very popular and I think it is hard for him. He constantly has to be 'cool' and live up to peoples expectations of him.

I was never popular and bullied most of my school life.

I just want my kids to be happy, no matter where they fall socially.

Based on my own experience as a child the popular kids were not nice people overall.
To get ahead they would trample on others along the way.
As adults most if them have no real careers, and haven't achieved much in their lives.
All I want for my children is to be happy with themselves popular or not.
You are very shallow and ABVU

DD has eight friends here, all bumbling around the kitchen in their PJs, drinking hot chocolate.

They would all be considered popular. Alpha, I suppose.

But they have different skill sets. One is the cleverest by a long chalk (scholarship). One plays a sport at national level. Yadda yadda.

DD is the all rounder I'd say. The co ordinator of the group. I wouldn't say leader as such, as there doesn't seem to be one. But she is the ball of energy in the middle.

What do you mean by alpha? Nice kids who are popular, or the clique that's at the top of the food chain?

There is a girl from my school who was felt herself Queen of the school, she was for many.

She wasn't all that kind, and could actually be quite cruel.

Five years ago I accepted her friend request (facebook) and I was alarmed to see how much effort she placed in maintaining that status.

When I'd get a message from her it was done in exactly the same way, she spoke to me 25 yrs ago!

Reunions ... picnics....etc... are all organized by her to keep up the illusion that school and her imagined social status still exists!

I just think it is a dangerous parenting path to think "my DC is exceptional and wonderful now, ergo he/she will always be exceptional and wonderful". I can think of a few sorry stories around me of DC who were absolute stars at 9 or 13 but at 17 or 18 aren't even on track to get their bac.

I don't think that the OP has done the joined-up thinking required to see that usually you don't get the whole package.
You don't want alphas, OP, you want heroes in the classic sense.
Brave, kind, noble, true, confident, popular leaders, intelligent and witty, talented...children to be proud of, to boast about and to be illuminated by the light of reflected glory.
How many fairy godmothers did you invite to the christenings?
How well do you think you will deal with the reality?

Oh I'm not one of those parents Bonsoir, trust me.

If anyhting, I think if you have talented DC and you step out of the small pond, you can't help but notice all the other very very glittery fish.

of my two eldest daughters, one is quite bookish, quiet, introverted with a small group of lovely lovely friends.
The other one is a very very popular, alpha child. She's always surrounded by friends, loved by everyone.
I've seen her up close and realised its because she's fearless, supremely confident and doesn't give a flying fig what other people think of her. She has fantastic self esteem, self belief and thinks anyone who doesn't like her is a total idiot. I didn't raise her differently to bolster her self esteem. She was just born that way. Confidence is everything. She's a happier soul than my eldest girl, so I'm hoping my youngest girl, a toddler, has the same confidence.

usually you could be describing my DD.

She's the opposite of paranoid .

And yes she's fearless. She tires everything. And not because she assumes she'll excell, but because she doesn't give a fuck if she fails. TBH, I'm like that too!

wow this thread has been erm...... popular

i cant remember if i have already said this

but i DONT want my dcs to be mean to others, i just want them to be well liked and not bullied. perhaps "alpha" was a wrong turn of phrase.

i am also sorry if i have offended anyone

and will say again that i would NEVER let them know i want them to be popular, and if they werent popular then i would not love them any less.

You may not believe yourself to be, wordfactory, but absolutely none of the friends and acquaintances of ours whose DC are fallen stars believed that they were overhyping their DC either. They are all charming, successful, hardworking and believed their DC also had wonderful lives ahead of them, helped by the many advantages their parents could confer.

Ah well bonsoir you've obviously decided my DD is doomed .

You can join the MN queue of the mean spirited parents waiting for other people's DC to crash and burn .

I haven't decided anything of the sort. I just think a little caution before bragging of your DC's future but as yet unrealized brilliance might be wise.

We have just been through the bac with DSS1 and his whole generation. Outcomes are absolutely unrelated to the pecking order just three years ago.

I think if you raise them to respect other people, be kind, true to themselves and assertive them people will like them op (not just by the 'popular' kids)

I'm not sure what the formula for that is but perhaps having some values about what is important is a good start!!

No one wants their DC to be bullied, but it must be equally awful to have your DC bully others.

I don't think I've mentioned DD's future, have I?

wordfactory it is not meanspirited it is based on real life

Yes you have: the collective expectation that she will be Head Girl. Best not to encourage this IMVHO.

What on earth can I do about what DD's classmates think and say?

And TBH, being Head Girl is hardly the future. DD wouldn't give a toss one way or the other . She's barely in school at present, tied up with her other stuff.

All I'm doing is takimg issue with the assumption that DC who are popular at school will end up useless/unhappy/eccentric/unsuccessful...because frankly I sense people simply wanting this to be the case. Which absolutely is mean spirited, not to say a bit bloody daft.

Indeed - it is anything but mean spirited. I wish the very best for everyone's DC - keeping schtum about your goals prevents public humiliation when you don't achieve them.