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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my DCs to be the super popular, "alpha" children at school

489 replies

dirtyface · 27/08/2013 16:55

partly inspired by the thread about do you buy your kids certain stuff so they can fit in (but not a thread about a thread i promise)

...it just got me thinking. i REALLY want my dcs to not just "fit in" (although i will be happy with that of course) but to be actively, super popular

they are only 4 (dd) and 7 (ds) at the moment so in year 1 and year 4 so just starting out really

but i think it starts young. tbh i can already see in DS's class who the in crowd are :o and luckily ds is friends with some of them but seems a bit on the periphery iyswim. popularity at junior school breeds confidence and a "popular reputation" and a casual expectation that people will like them which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy i think teachers tend to prefer the popular ones as well IME

it then IMO tends leads to success as an adult even if they dont do particularly well at school. for example, DH was very popular at school and although he left before even taking his GCSE's he has done very well at work, and always tends to be very popular where he has worked and ends up getting promoted a lot

so, those of you who have very popular DCs, whats their secret? and am a bit Blush asking this, but is it / has it been anything you do as a mum / parent to help them along a bit?

OP posts:
Caff2 · 28/08/2013 00:06

Not! Not it! Ffs!

DanicaJones · 28/08/2013 00:20

Sorry not read most of the thread or your previous posts Caff. You seem a bit upset. Who is being absolutely hateful about popular kids? Certainly nothing I have been posted has been.

Caff2 · 28/08/2013 00:26

Quite a lot of the thread really. If you read it. They'll all have sad lonely lives as they peaked early, to paraphrase. Oh, and if they're female, they might be slappers at thirteen years old.

AmandaHoldenmigroin · 28/08/2013 03:40

Wouldn't you rather place importance on how they develop emotionally than something shallow like whether they are in the in crowd? Yes, YABU.

GalaxyDefender · 28/08/2013 07:54

Caff, a lot of people will be cruel about popular kids because of the way they were treated by that set when they were children. It's not fair, but when the "alpha" group systematically tear you down for years, even into young adulthood, it's hard to put those feelings aside.

You really shouldn't take it personally on behalf of your son (weird slapper comments aside, as that is genuinely unacceptable) because these opinions are based on personal experience. All the alpha kids from my school have similar lives now to the rest of us, so they're hardly the high-flyers they thought they were. It was, bizarrely, the drama kids who went furthest.

To a lot of people, alpha personality is equal to bully. As soon as I read the OP all I could think was "why would you want your child to be a dick to people just for the sake of being popular?".

Bonsoir · 28/08/2013 08:03

There are definitely parents at DD's school who work hard at encouraging their DC's social aura - those DC have clothes/ parties/ activities/a social life of epic proportions.

They are not, however, the DC who are growing up with the finely honed social skills that come of doing it on your own..

nooka · 28/08/2013 08:18

Caff I'm not sure why you are identifying your son as an 'alpha'. If he is a nice child who is genuinely liked because he is kind to people, which it sounds as if he is then I'd really not see him as in any way similar to the children who only get to the top by pushing others out of the way and generally not being very nice at all.

If I look at my dd's year group there is a girl who is well known for her kindness (she won a prize for it and was much cheered). She is genuinely liked by many children throughout the school. She seems to be a lovely girl, confident in herself and interested in helping other people.

Then there are a pair of girls who seem to get pleasure from putting people down, perceive themselves to be top of the tree and seem to be the instigators of every bit of drama going on. They have a varying circle of hangers on who are known as 'the populars'. I would totally describe them as being 'alpha' types in the context of this thread.

They particularly like spreading rumours. For example last year they decided that it would be fun to tell everyone that dd had slept with a boy they had their eye on - we are family friends. dd was 11 at the time and is not even sure that she is interested in boys, was of an age to be supervised and the boy in question was in any case vaguely dating someone else.

Later in the year they thought it would be even more fun to tell everyone that the same boy had raped one of them, apparently because he was angry that they had been texting and pretending that they were older and had told them to get lost. I am totally for I believe you but in this case they admitted they were lying to try and get him into trouble (not that they went to the authorities or anything it was all just rumour stuff, and I don't think either of them had really taken in the seriousness of their allegation).

Some children really do fight to get to what they consider the top, and then use that power to make sure that they aren't challenged. In small schools or communities that can be quite a powerful position, and groups like this can do a lot of damage (including I suspect to the instigators).

knickernicker · 28/08/2013 08:20

Looking at the popular girls in dd's primary class they are usually very bright, socially observant, cheeky and chatty and quite often but not always with bullying tendencies.
There are some other slightly quirkier and kinder children who are similarly popular by the force of their overt friendliness and optimism.

mrsrhodgilbert · 28/08/2013 08:30

Oh Caff2 I don't think anyone is putting your son down. If he is a genuinely lovely boy with a good heart then he will be absolutely fine and you should be very proud of him. We can't all be brain surgeons and why would we want to be?

Those who are popular at school because they are genuinely likeable people will probably become similar adults. There are others, the self styled 'populars ' who exclude, bully and belittle others to maintain their clique and who may try to continue this behaviour into adult life. Maybe they become the Wendy's I've heard about on here recently. But sadly there are still groups of mums in the playground who behave like this so is it any wonder their kids follow the pattern?

cory · 28/08/2013 08:36

I often think it's best not to know too much about your child's social life.

Values and manners you can teach them but worrying every minute about their social standing and the composition of the "in" group just makes for a tense atmosphere.

What I remember from my own school days is that some popular children were lovely and others were bitchy/bullies. The lovely children would no doubt have been lovely even if they hadn't been popular and the bitchy ones would probably have been bitchy. It was the loveliness that mattered, not the popularity.

ouryve · 28/08/2013 08:38

I would want my kids to be themselves. (They both have ASD, so I'm happy or them to acknowledge that other people exist)

But, if they were NT, I would still disagree that they would be able to be themselves if they were popular. If they were naturally introverted, then being "popular" would be hellish for them. It would be exhausting and they would be so busy conforming to the strict and fickle rules of being in the in crowd that they wouldn't be able to be themselves, at all.

cory · 28/08/2013 08:45

I think some people do manage to combine being themselves and being popular. I had a friend in Sixth Form who seemed to do just that. Very much her own person, would always speak up against anything that was wrong even if it meant going against the rest of the popular ones, unfailingly kind towards the less popular, great fun to be with. She didn't have to conform and I don't think she ever could have been bothered.

Bumblequeen · 28/08/2013 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

catinabox · 28/08/2013 09:07

I think the OP has a misguided idea that being part of an in crowd will protect DC from some notional idea of failure, rejection and unpopularity. As if experiencing those things will condemn a child to life - long social isolation.

It seems a bit sad to me that this is something anyone would hold important over and above a child's own innate character development,personality, creativity and individuality.

I wonder how she is going to feel if her DC aren't in the in crowd? I wonder how she can support them as individuals to feel o.k and good enough if they aren't what she hopes for them? I wonder whether she will find it difficult to see the opportunity to build resilience and find coping strategies if her DC don't fit in with the crowd?

Surely it is better to want DC to be themselves than be able to fit all the time and be liked for who they are than to hope that they will adapt themselves to fit?

I'm sad you feel this way O.P.

I haven't read the whole thread but from my point of view, I would just like my DC to be happy at school and amongst their peers. I hope they can be true to themselves and respectful and kind to other people.

A friends daughter was getting buiied at school, desperately trying to fit in with the in - crowd. We talk to her about looking around and finding other children who she might get on with. She's got a lovely little group of friends now, they are more like her, bookish, creative etc. She is much happier and will be secure going into secondary school hopefully.

WasFeelingLousy · 28/08/2013 09:19

Being popular must be such hard work Smile

I could never be bothered when I was at school; there were so many other, more interesting things to do, like play musical instruments, be in plays, read stuff, learn stuff, draw stuff, have good mates who did interesting stuff too (with whom I'm still good mates). I had a great time at school.

And yes, I probably absolutely was a geek. But honestly, I was having too much of a good time to notice or care. The whole popularity rat-race just seemed so hollow, so pointless, so dead-end compared to other stuff life has to offer.

I'm not sure if my dc will be similarly geeky, although I suspect so, but I do hope that they'll be as happy as I was when I was their age.

TheOneAndOnlyAlpha · 28/08/2013 09:25

The popular kids at my school were bullies, revelling in the fact everyone wanted to be like them and manipulating them. Funnily enough, as adults, I hear they now have very few friends. They made my school life hell.

I hope my ds is normal, with kind friends.

MillicentTendancies · 28/08/2013 09:30

Most of the alpha kids from my school have not done very well in life.

Tbh though, I guess being popular in a grim northern comp vs a well to do school in well to do area is a different thing.

I remember the boy we all were in love with (who was a total twat)... he is now bald at 28, he has a shit job and from his social media posts cant even get a mobile phone contract. He was trying to encourage people to go to a school reunion to relive "the best days of our lives".

Karma is a indeed a bitch!

wordfactory · 28/08/2013 09:37

Maybe it's a testament to how nice DD's school is then, that she's seen as very popular without having to be cool.

She had a large group of girlfriends staying over last night and they all agreed that she would be head girl when the time came. This was said matter-of-factly by the group.

She plays sports, sings, is academic. Not remotely groomed. Yet this doesn't affect the way the other students view her. It all seems to be what makes her popular.

wordfactory · 28/08/2013 09:37

Maybe because it's a girls school?

SilverApples · 28/08/2013 09:40

Decades of primary teaching, a couple of 'alphas' per class, many of them found it hard not to abuse the control they had over others because of their age and lack of emotional maturity.
No, teachers do not automatically like them, sometimes they require a great deal of input and handling to enable them to function as part of a team, or to be flexible in their learning styles, and considerate.thoughtful humans. Many alphas become very challenging teenagers for their parents.
But I have known a number of popular, intelligent, talented and generally wonderful children who have remained lovely, inclusive and unarrogant throughout their lives so far. Despite the temptations.
Some are already adults to be proud of.
Now those are the true alphas, and quite rare.

Bonsoir · 28/08/2013 09:42

Two of my girl cousins were Head Girls, in prominent girls' schools. They were both always destined to be head girls in the same way they were both destined for Oxbridge, Firsts bla bla bla.

They are both deeply eccentric in their middle-age!

wordfactory · 28/08/2013 09:48

Well I can't really worry about what will happen to DD in thirty/forty years time Bonsoir Grin.

All I know is that she was born this way. Sunny, energetic, optimistic. People gravitate towards her, always have done.

She can't help it any more than her twin brother can help being more shy.

Bonsoir · 28/08/2013 09:53

I think though - and it is a recurrent theme on this thread - that DC who are used to being exceptional in childhood with little effort are not always as well-equipped as all that to navigate adulthood. Now I think about it I can think of other girlfriends who were Alpha types at school who were a bit addicted to being exceptional and have turned a bit eccentric as adults.

usualsuspect · 28/08/2013 09:54

Maybe he's happy in his 'shit job'

There's an awful lot of snobbery on this thread.

usualsuspect · 28/08/2013 09:55

All these people written off as 'failures' because they work in shops or cafes.