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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my DCs to be the super popular, "alpha" children at school

489 replies

dirtyface · 27/08/2013 16:55

partly inspired by the thread about do you buy your kids certain stuff so they can fit in (but not a thread about a thread i promise)

...it just got me thinking. i REALLY want my dcs to not just "fit in" (although i will be happy with that of course) but to be actively, super popular

they are only 4 (dd) and 7 (ds) at the moment so in year 1 and year 4 so just starting out really

but i think it starts young. tbh i can already see in DS's class who the in crowd are :o and luckily ds is friends with some of them but seems a bit on the periphery iyswim. popularity at junior school breeds confidence and a "popular reputation" and a casual expectation that people will like them which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy i think teachers tend to prefer the popular ones as well IME

it then IMO tends leads to success as an adult even if they dont do particularly well at school. for example, DH was very popular at school and although he left before even taking his GCSE's he has done very well at work, and always tends to be very popular where he has worked and ends up getting promoted a lot

so, those of you who have very popular DCs, whats their secret? and am a bit Blush asking this, but is it / has it been anything you do as a mum / parent to help them along a bit?

OP posts:
ArtexMonkey · 27/08/2013 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/08/2013 22:21

Bling

Getting over thinking about the people who bullied you in the same teenage way is helpful generally speaking.

Do I have the time of day for the people who bullied me at school as an adult? No. Do I think of them at 24 as I did at 14? No.

PaperSeagull · 27/08/2013 22:21

The notion that all popular children achieve their popularity due to their innate wonderful qualities is as risible as the idea that all popular children are cruel bullies. Jockeying for position, in-crowds depending on outsiders to look down on, cliques, "Queen bee" behavior certainly all happen in some social groups. And the idea that popularity never has anything to do with material possessions, wealthy parents, physical appearance, sports prowess, etc. is simply naive. These things do affect how children perceive each other at times (again, not always, but it happens).

I still can't understand why anyone would actively want his/her children to be alpha members of the in-crowd. Wanting a child to have friends is something else entirely. My mother's dearest wish was for my eldest brother to have a friend at school (or failing that, at least a child who would treat him halfway decently). It never happened. He is kind and compassionate, very funny, and on the autism spectrum. Some of the bullies who made his life hell were the cool alpha kids (though not all). I wonder if they ever look back on these years and feel ashamed.

morethanpotatoprints · 27/08/2013 22:27

Superstar

If that child had been behaving like that when I was at school, there were a few like that, they would have been deemed slags or slappers.
The girls behaving like that more recently when ds1 and 2 went to school would also have been called the same.
I think its more important to ask why they are sexually promiscuous at this age and why the parents aren't aware or stopping such behaviour rather than objecting to the label that society gives people who behave like this.

dontwannasaywho · 27/08/2013 22:32

I wasn't popular at school but always had a friend and made a wee group of friends at high school.

I just want my kids to be happy and positive and enjoy life as much as possible.

I do think its ironic when years later the Popular ones are on Facebook adding the quiet unpopular girls that they barely spoke a word to in school all the years of it, to get some attention for their posts and pictures.

PigOnStilts · 27/08/2013 22:35

People care too much about this crap.

Mind you, I really looked down on the in crowd at school.....me and me flares and eierd mates just mooched sbout shoegazing.

then years later I realised that they'd all been really nice kids, all good academically or sporty....I'd just been a chippy wee cow :)

DanicaJones · 27/08/2013 22:35

I was just thinking the other day that the quiet geeky kids i was at school with have ended up much more successful and happy as adults than the loud popular kids.

nenevomito · 27/08/2013 22:42

School is always a mixed bag. The best anyone can hope (or should hope) for their children is that they will find some good friends and be happy enough that it doesn't stop them from doing well.

Popularity in school doesn't equate to anything in later life, though you may have more confidence. I was bullied throughout high school, but as an adult have a large and rather lovely circle of diverse friends, some of whom I've been friends with for over 20 years. I don't spend any time at all thinking about the people who bullied me all of those years ago and I doubt they think about me. I am sure that some have done well, some not so well, just like any group of random people.

My DS struggles as he has ASD. He's been bullied and I've had to go into school more than once, but strangely he's become really popular with the girls as he is quiet and thoughtful when he's around them. DD is a lot younger, but seems to make friends easily. Long may it continue.

Holding grudges for years is pointless and a waste of time. Trying to buy popularity for your children or change them to gain popularity is pointless. Just let them get on with it - and move on.

exoticfruits · 27/08/2013 22:43

I think that some children have it very hard- you see it on here when parents want them on central stage in the play and the child wants to be the back line of the chorus! Or there is all the fuss about party invitations when they probably don't like parties- I certainly didn't at 5yrs.
I have never liked the 'in'crowd- they are generally boring- the more individual people are way more interesting.
At school I had a small circle of real friends- so did my children and they were perfectly happy. I want mine to be happy, positive and enjoy life, with the confidence to do their own thing and not follow the herd.
So no- I don't want them to be 'cool' particularly and I think that 'alpha' children only exist in people's minds.

usualsuspect · 27/08/2013 22:44

Society labels girls that behave like this. Not boys.

exoticfruits · 27/08/2013 22:45

I know people who think they are 'alpha'- but that is in their own minds- it isn't the way that I view them.

Caff2 · 27/08/2013 22:46

I do know what he's like at school. Occasionally, I even teach the bugger! :)

exoticfruits · 27/08/2013 22:46

I label boys just the same, usualsuspect.

Caff2 · 27/08/2013 22:49

When I'm unlucky enough to get the "yuk"set Grin

encyclogirl · 27/08/2013 22:53

Ds13 hangs out in the 'cool' group at school, mostly due to sports. I wouldn't call him alpha though. He's very kind and I somehow associate alpha with mean.

I'm relieved he doesn't struggle socially, maths however, is whole other issue...

Caff2 · 27/08/2013 22:55

When I say struggling, I mean, not going to get gcse maths or English at c, mumsnet sometimes eels to see struggling as an a or b grade :)

Caff2 · 27/08/2013 22:55

Seems, not eels!

YouTheCat · 27/08/2013 23:05

My dd was really popular until year 5 when the in crowd decided to exclude her.

Kids can be vile to each other.

Coconutty · 27/08/2013 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aquashiv · 27/08/2013 23:33

The people that change the world are rarely popular school.

MoominMammasHandbag · 27/08/2013 23:42

I was in with the in crowd in school, despite being geeky, ginger and disabled. I remember one very pretty bitchy girl but everyone else was funny, kind and cool: the boys were mostly sporty, the girls were very "trendy" in an indie sort of way. We were very into our music and fashion. It was hard work though. I distinctly remember being a bit envious of the geeky misfit group in the sixth form common room 'cos they seemed a lot more relaxed and easy going.

MoominMammasHandbag · 27/08/2013 23:49

And yes, my in crowd have mostly done okay in life. Maybe some people peaked too soon; someone with brilliant leadership skills had a breakdown, someone incredibly talented and charismatic has a bit of a mundane job in a shop. I think that's just the law of averages though.

DanicaJones · 27/08/2013 23:54

Article here about David Walliams at school that touches on this topic. He was a bit of an outsider and thinks that "people who really thrive at school don?t necessarily thrive at life."

Caff2 · 28/08/2013 00:04

Crikey. I'd better fell ds1 to ditch his friends, stop being popular and good socially and sporty and become more top set geeky late developer brilliant... Oh. Wait. He can't. Because he's not going to blossom into those things on account of his academic ability. Never mind, it's fine to be absolutely hateful about the popular kids as long as you outstrip them and put them down as adults.

Caff2 · 28/08/2013 00:05

Tell, it fell.