To hate being addressed by my husband's name

[StandingLampTassles]

I know I've whinged about weddings before, but as I said, I've been to far too many this summer, and have just received an invite for another today.

The bride is a university friend of mine, I know her parents well enough, they have never met my DH, yet the invite is addressed to Mr and Mrs Jonathan Tassles. I am not Jonathan!!

Yes I took DH's surname (mainly because I was sick of being saddled with a surname that sounds like a rude word for 30 years!) but I didn't become him.

I had a very traditional wedding but refused to address my friends by their husbands names. It's ridiculous, outdated and more than a little insulting. Am I being unreasonable or would y

Well damn I haven't mentioned etiquette I don't think.

It differs slightly to traditional, which I think is the case here.

You're not being serious that you think it's traditonal to call a woman by a different name from her own though?

That's no tradition I ever heard of. People just do it because they make a mistake, or because they're lazy. Mistakes are easy to understand when it's a situation where the bride's parents might be doing the invitations - it was actually me who made that point upthread.

But defending it as 'tradition' when it's pure laziness and rudeness is a bit off, IMO. Women's names are not always longer than men's names to write!

Fair enough bowlers, although tradition is not a more acceptable reason.

Regardless, each to their own, am off to bed.

I almost can't believe that women in this day and age are genuinely okay with being addressed by their husband's name, i.e. Mrs John Smith.

Is this just for wedding invitations, because 'tradition' and 'etiquette' trumps all other considerations in this case?

Or are they equally happy to be known as Mrs John Smith on all other correspondence, i.e. their gas bill, the council tax, how about the electoral roll?

How about Christmas cards to the couple, is it equally okay for these to be addressed to Mr and Mrs John Smith?

It seems completely antiquated and bizarre to me that any modern woman, with perhaps a professional career of their own and the right to earn their own income, drive and vote, would be okay as being addressed by their husband's name

Dear Mrs Tassles,

You are not being unreasonable.

Could we please have the wedding poem requesting money?

I did not change my name after marriage and I still get invites to weddings as Mr & Mrs DH First Name and DH Surname.

If you don't know my name, you don't need me at your wedding.

I respect everyone's right to be called whatever they like. I think it's time to update the default when you don't know and can't check. On Christmas cards I often just use first names but can see that might be difficult on formal invitations. Unless you have different generations living in the same house or your friends live in a nusing home/hall of residence/in a commune, surely Mr and Mrs Surname is specific enough? No need for the husband's name at all.

I also dislike "man and wife".

But for a wedding invitation is there really ever any excuse for 'Oh we don't know John Smith's wife's name so lets just address the invitation to Mr and Mrs John Smith'?

The only caveat to this perhaps is I think a wedding where the couple invite work colleagues and also invite the colleague's partners but have never met these partners and don't know their first name. So address invitation to Mr and Mrs John Smith... I still think this is borderline rude and thoughtless, I mean how hard is it to find out partner's first and last name and address invitation correctly... but it is perhaps somewhat understandable if a big wedding and thus lots of guests of guests names to find out.

But to do this at a wedding for friends or family? I am with Mixxy on this, if you don't know my name you don't need me at your wedding.

Omg who cares! Can't believe anyone would get annoyed over the way an invite was addressed unless they missed your name off completely!

They did miss her name off completely, though - wasn't that the point?!

I find it really odd that, according to 'tradition' and 'etiquette' it's terribly rude to send an invitation to 'Mr John Smith plus one' or 'Mr John Smith and partner' if you happen to know John but can't remember who John married/shacked up with/might like to bring. But it's not rude to decide whoever she is, you'll call her 'Mrs John Smith'?

I find that much harder to understand than that, in this case, the bride's parents just made an error. Errors are easy to understand; deliberate twittery masquerading as politeness or tradition is bizarre.

LRD you are missing the point that some women like to be addressed like this.

To you, it is abhorrent to be called Mrs DH. Some women do not mind. In fact want it.

I'm not missing the point.

I know some women like it.

That's why I said, if you read it, that it's a matter of calling women what they want to be called out of politeness. You missed my post where I said why don't women who want to be Mrs get called Mrs and women who want to be called other things get called other things, because you were too busy insisting it that it's 'abhorrent'.

(Honestly, 'abhorrent', do get over yourself. Nobody should care that much about someone else's fictional views.)

LRD would you like to point out my post where I have used the word abhorrent

Some women want to be called by their husbands first and last name? Then don't stop at the surname after wedding. Take your DHs first name too. And never vote. Simple.

I think its odd, I thought it was weird that Princess Michael of Kent was could Michael for years.

Mixxy how mocking a woman's choice in what she would like to be called, a step in the right direction for feminism?

I thought feminists supported women's choices, not ridiculed them when that choice isn't something you would agree with.

Erm ... just now, bowlers? At 08.38. You decided I thought it was 'abhorrent', despite the fact if you weren't so busy imagining things, you'd see I've said already that I think if someone wants to be called Mrs they should be, and it's polite to call people what they want to be called.

I really don't get why you are so hyped up about insisting that if people don't agree with you 100%, they must believe all sorts of nonsense you associate with people who disagree with you.

Why don't you read actual posts and make up your mind from them, or would that be too simple?

Nice rant there LRD

Are you feeling quite ok?

Your posts are really strange.

I don't quite get what the big problem is. I reckon the most likely issue with the OP is simply that someone who didn't know her well did the invitations and made a mistake; I said so. I reckon if the OP likes to be called Ms or Mrs Hername, that's fair enough, and it would also be fine if someone else wanted to be Mrs DHsname. I think calling it 'etiquette' is a bit daft if you mean it as an excuse to be rude, and I note from personal experience that never changing your name from Ms Myname does not, rather irritatingly, stop people from calling you Mrs DHsname, which personally I wish they wouldn't. But if others like it, that's up to them.

This is the sum total of my views on this issue. Really not sure how it sums up to anything you're reading.

Ok, I think we need to leave it there. Clearly my posts are not clear(!) enough.

I don't know how to say what I am saying, in a different way.

Maybe ask Mr. Bowlersarm to explain?

If some people "like" to be called by their husbands first name, why not just call yourself Brian, or Kevin or whatever your husbands name is?

Also accepting every marginal womans choice do to anything she wants is not in my feminist motto.

I want to screw your husband? You don't like it? Ooooohh, feminist hater!!!

mixxy Yes I'll ask him once I've prepared his supper and run his bath for him.

I'm just catching up with this bit just to say Re the above LRD, the bride and the bride's parents do know me (and one of them surely did the invites), it's my DH they don't really know - yet they saw fit to put his name on the invite!! Even my DH thinks it's weird!