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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate being addressed by my husband's name

188 replies

StandingLampTassles · 26/08/2013 20:04

I know I've whinged about weddings before, but as I said, I've been to far too many this summer, and have just received an invite for another today.

The bride is a university friend of mine, I know her parents well enough, they have never met my DH, yet the invite is addressed to Mr and Mrs Jonathan Tassles. I am not Jonathan!!

Yes I took DH's surname (mainly because I was sick of being saddled with a surname that sounds like a rude word for 30 years!) but I didn't become him.

I had a very traditional wedding but refused to address my friends by their husbands names. It's ridiculous, outdated and more than a little insulting. Am I being unreasonable or would y

OP posts:
LRDPomogiMnyeSRabotoi · 26/08/2013 21:36

mendi - oh, if only it were that simple! Grin

DamnBamboo · 26/08/2013 21:36

I wouldn't call it sarcastic myself...

Bowlersarm · 26/08/2013 21:37

Not sexism, slob tradition.

And why don't you see girls/young women are now miss or ms as they wish? Same as boys/girls are master/mr?

DamnBamboo · 26/08/2013 21:39

Yes, Ms is a relatively new in the grand scheme of things.

Good thing too.

SlobAtHome · 26/08/2013 21:39

There is no masters any more. It's always Mr.

And tradition is often sexist. Something happening for a long time makes it more sexist not less (if it is a sexist issue)

CaptainJamesTKirk · 26/08/2013 21:40

My final say on the matter before I put MN to bed. By all means the OP can dislike it but it is seen to a significant proportion of the population as correct etiquette. You can find it sexist if you like, you can hate it, you can address your friends differently if it makes you more comfortable. But don't assume that everyone finds it offensive and therefore off your own back decide that it's outdated, rude etc... That's just your opinion.

And I do believe that in willingly taking your husband's surname and addressing yourself as Mrs you must expect this every now and again.

Mendi · 26/08/2013 21:40

LRD it is that simple. Them's the rules. Like not splitting infinitives.

CaptainJamesTKirk · 26/08/2013 21:41

The bit where I said I wasn't going to forget I was a PhD and not a medic and start treating someone... You really can't see any sarcasm there?

TheLaminator · 26/08/2013 21:41

Yanbu. We get letters from mil addressed this way, it annoys me, but they are old. What really irks me is sil does it as well and she's younger than me. Can't figure that one out.

DamnBamboo · 26/08/2013 21:41

Shoud I call your husband

Mr Captain JamesT Kirk.

Would he mind?

Bowlersarm · 26/08/2013 21:41

Shock slob I'm not that old (well 40's). I always address boys under 16 as master or 'Mstr' on envelopes

Bowlersarm · 26/08/2013 21:42

damn probably, because he is a fictional character

DamnBamboo · 26/08/2013 21:43

No, can't see sarcasm I'm afraid.
A few other things perhaps, but sarcasm no!

Anyway, back to the lab for you Dr Smile

DamnBamboo · 26/08/2013 21:44

bowlers Smile

V funny!

SlobAtHome · 26/08/2013 21:44

You may do but it no longer happens officially. I deal with very official childrens' records every day. Boys are Mr, girls are Miss.

I agree that if you take on your husbands name and Mrs as a title then YABU to be annoyed when this stuff happens.

CaptainJamesTKirk · 26/08/2013 21:45

And I don't need enlightening by someone from the feminism boards. I consider myself a feminist believe it or not. I have achieved a lot in a massively male dominated environment. I am a strong woman and I am respected and equal to my husband in all matters. I chose to take his surname and I am happy to be referred to as Mrs. Don't patronise me by suggesting that that doesn't make me a feminist and therefore I need someone who regular posts on feminism boards to enlighten me.

DamnBamboo · 26/08/2013 21:46

And I don't need enlightening by someone from the feminism boards. I consider myself a feminist believe it or not

properly laughing now

MutantAndProud · 26/08/2013 21:47

I'm a medical doctor and use 'dr', I very rarely use Mrs. All my colleagues use Dr too. I've never met a medic (that wasn't a surgeon) who doesn't use their dr title.

I'll have to dig out my degree certificate but I'm sure it says on it 'as a result of this degree the title of doctor is conferred to the recipient'.

My bugbear is when people put their letters after their names I have 15 letters after mine, can't be bothered writing them out! I know someone who's Facebook name is joe blogs Bsc (Hons)... Yuck.

CaptainJamesTKirk · 26/08/2013 21:48

OFFS sake and while on the subject of my DH. The Mr wouldn't bother him and we have the same surname however if it was addressed with my forename he would find it very strange because that isn't convention. However he wouldn't fly in a rage about it or post in AIBU.

DamnBamboo · 26/08/2013 21:48

Reread the thread captain, I haven't for one second said that you taking your husbands name and being happy to be called Mrs doesn't make you a feminist!

It's the other statements you make that make me question your broader understanding of the subject, especially your constant referral to this so-called 'correct etiquette' as if that trumps all.

Pigsmummy · 26/08/2013 21:49

Get a life

DamnBamboo · 26/08/2013 21:49

That's not what I meant with regards to your DH captain and you know it or do you?

Don't see anybody flying into a rage either

Pigsmummy · 26/08/2013 21:50

Or a grip.

SlobAtHome · 26/08/2013 21:51

"Reread the thread captain, I haven't for one second said that you taking your husbands name and being happy to be called Mrs doesn't make you a feminist!"

I will saying it doesn't stop you being a feminist now. Not much feminist about taking a man's name at the time though. I can't see how people dispute that?

NutcrackerFairy · 26/08/2013 21:51

Bowlers if you read my post fully you would see that I didn't say women were small and insignificant because they were married to a man... yes that would be an odd way of thinking indeed.

I said small and insignificant because they receive an invitation addressed to their husband [he is fully named] and husband's appendage wife.

And yes, I see now that a married lesbian couple would be addressed by their respective names - Mrs Jane Doe and Mrs Janet Doe, not Mrs and Mrs Jane Doe.

So again, why is it acceptable to address a man and woman married couple one way but not acceptable to do so for two female married partners???