To hate being addressed by my husband's name

[StandingLampTassles]

I know I've whinged about weddings before, but as I said, I've been to far too many this summer, and have just received an invite for another today.

The bride is a university friend of mine, I know her parents well enough, they have never met my DH, yet the invite is addressed to Mr and Mrs Jonathan Tassles. I am not Jonathan!!

Yes I took DH's surname (mainly because I was sick of being saddled with a surname that sounds like a rude word for 30 years!) but I didn't become him.

I had a very traditional wedding but refused to address my friends by their husbands names. It's ridiculous, outdated and more than a little insulting. Am I being unreasonable or would y

Damn Whilst it shouldn't be and doesn't have to be, it very often is. From the wedding where daddy gives you away to a man, to the taking of a man's name more often than not. Also the rings... a sign that you are someone else's.

It's not for me anyway.

My husband certainly helped me become a better person, but if you asked him he would say the same about me.

Sorry damn that was aimed at OP's excuse for changing her name. Like she felt she was wrong and needed to excuse it or something.

Slob then you and I agree on many things, but I don't think that marriage has to be sexist at all.

It is a bit irritating but not something I can get worked up about.

There is a particular type of person who still insists on clinging to this
"etiquette": nonentities who have achieved nothing of note in this life and attempt to make themselves appear important by throwing ridiculously extravagant white weddings and aping what they see as "upper class" Downton-Abbey-style manners.

Pretentious, outmoded, misogynistic BS.

YABNU.

"DamnBamboo Mon 26-Aug-13 21:01:36
Who's making excuses? Who is that directed at?

I'm Dr and didn't change my name either."

So pleased when women do this. :)

Yes, my husband was pleased too.

It's funny hearing his audible intake of breath when someone calls me Mrs...

Correction 'it makes some women feel small and insignificant'. It doesn't make me feel small and insignificant, I am confident and I am not just an extension of my husband, I just chose to take his name.

A quick random google for addressing married couples...

"Married couples should be addressed as Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. Should the wife have retained her maiden name after marriage or if she uses a hyphenated last name the address should read Ms. Jane Smith and Mr. John Doe or Ms. Jane Smith-Doe and Mr. John Doe (Mrs. is not used when a wife uses her maiden name, either alone or hyphenated). If you are addressing a married couple and want to use both of their first names, the husbands name must be kept next to the surname, for example: Mrs. Gloria and Mr. Howard Jones or Mrs. Gloria Jones and Mr. Howard Jones (the following format is incorrect because the word "and" in this context is redundant -- Mr. and Mrs. Gloria and Howard Jones).

When both husband and wife are identically degreed, use Drs. Jane and John Doe or The Doctors Doe (remembering that the husbands first name must be placed next to the surname). In the case of a married couple and the wife is a doctor the title should read Dr. Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe or Dr. Jane and Mr. John Doe. If the husband is the doctor, the correct format would be Dr. and Mrs. John Doe. Individuals with a PhD. are not generally noted in formal addressing unless they are a medical doctor, in which case Dr. is used. If the wife of a doctor is retaining her maiden name and she is NOT a doctor herself, the degreed name is placed first; Dr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Smith or Dr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Smith-Doe (Mrs. is not used when a wife uses her maiden name, either alone or hyphenated)."

For the person who asked about married lesbian couples it could be "Mrs Claire Stanley-Price and Mrs Catherine Stanley-Price" or "Ms Claire Stanley and Ms Catherine Price" if they kept their maiden names.

I don't feel small and insignificant because I am married to a man. That's an odd way of thinking.......

Oh please captain a medical Dr. doesn't have the title Dr, that is the job they do. Nobody I know who is a medic, uses the title Dr.

A person with a PhD uses the title Dr!

Where are you getting this random shitty information from.

haha damn that's funny. :o

I did the opposite. I got married as a dumb teen... oh to go back and give that daft girl a talking to... took his name and changed my title to Mrs. I kept his surname after the divorce because I don't want my son to be the only one with this surname (no contact with dads side at all) and I kept Mrs to be awkward. Why should I have to be married to be Mrs? What is it of anyone's business if I am single or married? Why is it marriage that gives us the 'adult' version of a title? Fuck em all, I'm gonna be Mrs for now :o

I hope one day that DS choses to change his name so I can go back to my own name and will change my title to Ms at the same time.

I have never come across a medic who didn't use Dr at least some of the time. I know loads of PhDs who don't use it.

Are you perhaps thinking of the fact that back in olden days, 'Dr' for medics was a courtesy title given in recognition of the fact they, erm, save people's lives?

I didn't change my name, and that makes me happy. But I know lots of women who did, because we don't live in a perfect post-feminist world where it's a straight choice with no emotional implications.

I agree slob.

Mrs needs to go.

Ms is perfectly suitable for an adult female, there is no need for a title to denote marital status.

I use Dr professionally only (my choice) and the title I tend to use for most other stuff is Ms.

I just copied thy from an etiquette page on google.

But in reference to your response... I work for the NHS (I am a scientist and have a PhD - I am Dr), my medical colleagues (who are all hospital consultants) use Dr except the surgeons I know who go by Miss, Mrs, Ms and Mr.

How many medics do you know exactly? Because my experience is that they ALL use it.

They use it in a professional capacity, but their quals are MBBS or whatever.

It doesn't result in a title change, it's a job they do.

I know loads of PhDs who don't use it either (I am a medical doctor and have a PhD yet generally refer to myself as Ms, unless it's for work) but the previous poster info said PhDs don't use the title and I was explaining the difference.

Well Damm, you're probably aware of the issues and controversy, in some circles, that surround women taking their husbands' surnames when they get married. So I guess I don't really understand why, if one's done that, why it's such a huge deal to be formally addressed as Mrs Joe Bloggs.

Well of course there was more than one reason I took DH surname, my maiden name issue being one. Also because I wanted to signify us becoming a 'unit' and couldn't ask him to become mr hardcock (well similar)

We need to know what the surname that sounded like a rude word was. Jane Dollock? Jane Puttock? Jane Phucka?

see above post captain

I have an MD and a PhD and can and do use the title professionally, but many 'Doctors' I know (including my husband) don't.

Most of my friends are a combination of people with either medical doctor qualifications or PhDs (in answer to your rather bizarre question)

damn - I apologize, I skipped posts and was confused. Teach me to read the thread thoroughly.

It's true 'dr' is a title that's historically not used for medics. But it doesn't seem to me to matter. Doctors train for nearly as long as PhDs and I think it is nice.

I think it's a red herring to the debate really.

DamnBamboo I want to be a Mrs!

Why should you decide that should be taken away from me?

Why do you want to be defined by your marital status?

Well I use it I am Dr CaptainJamesTKirk Smith except on my email signature where I am CaptainJamesTKirk Smith PhD.

On wedding invites I have been Dr and Mrs Michael Smith (yes DH is a PhD as well) - and I have not been offended it's who I am and do not feel this belittles me in any way and I have been Dr Michael Smith and Dr CaptainJamesTKirk Smith.

Just because you're offended doesn't mean everyone is and whether you like it or not, whether you think it's outdated or not... It is correct etiquette. If you take your husband's surname it happens, if you don't - it won't.

I don't think I am defined by it. And I don't want to lose it.