To tell DH and MIL that they're not allowed to drink in my house?

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

DH turns into a mean bastard when he drinks....he doesn't really ever get drunk anymore because of this...but whenever MIL comes to stay they get pissed on wine together in the evening.

They sit there oohing and aahing over the fucking labels like they're wine experts but it's just dressing up getting sloshed and nasty on wine.

I have told DH....I said "If you drink with MIL again I am going to pour any wine you buy down the toilet. He denied drinking much....about a bottle it was...each...he can't take it and is a grumpy shit the next day and I resent MIL because she acts all concerned and says "Oh yes you're right Neo....he can't really take alcohol..." and then slurps it up and together they encourage each other.

[QuintessentialOldDear]

OP is an adult too, and it is her house. Why shall she have to put up with being treated nastily?

Is his right to get drunk more important to honour than her right to be treated well?

[YouTheCat]

I don't think anyone has implied that.

Yes, the nastiness needs to be dealt with but while his mother is visiting is not the time.

Plus the nastiness (whilst not pleasant) seems to consist of little digs from him and being grumpy.

[QuintessentialOldDear]

So, thats ok then?

[YouTheCat]

Did I say it was? But it hardly makes him an alcoholic and it is something much better sorted out by communicating with each other rather than the OP chucking wine away.

That just sounds like a tantrum to me.

[QuintessentialOldDear]

You imply it is. Read your posts.

[Sister77]

Yes he's an adult and it's his choice and his house but of it impacts on the whole family then I think you're right to put your foot down!

[YouTheCat]

I don't. You are reading more into what I've posted than was meant.

They should have an equal standing and be able to talk to each other like adults. His right to drink doesn't trump her right to be pissed off. but the way she proposed to deal with the situation was totally OTT imo.

[RobotHamster]

Horrible thread.

[Sallystyle]

There has been some arseholish replies here, like usual. People who seem to get a kick out of it, despite the OP's very obvious distress.

So lets wrap this up

Your DH has had a drink problem in the past that leads him to depression and being a nasty bastard

He hasn't drank for two years, except for the odd pint, but he is able to stop at one with beer and wine affects him more?

MIL is staying and he has already been drinking with her and being mean again?

Is that correct?

Well, who can really blame the OP for having a massive problem with that? their marriage was in serious trouble partly due to the drinking, he stops and all is better until now. Yes, I would have a massive issue with that myself.

I don't think you can do much about it. If he listens to your concerns then great. Perhaps have another word with his mum? all I know that if my dh was an arse when drunk after a history of it as well he wouldn't be anywhere near me while he crashes. I won't have someone being a nasty bastard to me because they can't or won't control their drinking.

[RobotHamster]

Completely agree with Samu

[SeaSickSal]

Is his right to get drunk more important to honour than her right to be treated well

No. But if it's as rare as once every few years he' going to do this and it means that he gets to enjoy himself and relax with his mother then I think that putting up with a few hangovers is doable if it's once every few years when she visits.

If it carries on when the MIL is gone that's when there's a problem.

[Sallystyle]

BTW my husband has severe depression. If drinking caused it then I would be very angry to see him drinking every night.

I would also be very scared too.

The OP needed support and understanding but some just brushed her off and just put it down to her being pissed off that he is 'grumpy' the next day he has drank. No, he has depression brought on by drinking and he is now putting his mental health at risk again.

If my dh put his mental health at risk by doing something he knew was very likely to lead to depression we would have a problem.

[RobotHamster]

SeaSick - by the time MIL leaves the damage may already have been done.

[Sallystyle]

Seasick, it is not a hangover.

Did you even read where she said depression?

[QuintessentialOldDear]

But why should SHE put up with him being nasty, why can HE put up with feeling hungover and shite without taking it out on his family?

The issue is how HE behaves and that HE should control his behaviour, not whatever excuse he gives for treating her like shit.

If he cant drink and still treat his family with respect, he should not drink.

[QuintessentialOldDear]

should be ... why cant he...

[pianodoodle]

I don't think the OP is hard to understand. She knows what the likely outcome of all the wine drinking could be and is worried it could start off another bad period of drinking and depression.

It's not a simple case of someone having a drink once a year and her spoiling his fun.

I'd be worried too. I'd speak to them both and remind your DH that you don't want what happened before and are concerned. The children shouldn't have to put up with the fall out of his drinking either.

[mouldyironingboard]

YANBU to stop your DH and MIL drinking wine. You are quite right to insist that wine is banned from your home as your DH's health and mood are affected badly by it. Surely your MIL can manage to visit without alcohol being involved if you tell her DH is allergic?

[LLucan]

TheGirlFromIpanema - I can't see where the OP says her DH drinks a pint or two once a fortnight.

[Mia4]

OP what you said before with DP getting rashes when drinking wine sounds very much like my friend's allergy to it. She's the worse when she drinks Rose but gets very depressed when drinking and so a while after, she gets very spiteful and makes comments she normally wouldn't make, feels hot flushes and gets a rash that starts on her neck and makes her look like she has slap drink.

The only wine she doesn't get so bad on it the white low alcohol ones thought she too is better to avoid completely. I'd get him to buy some of that if he has to but have something else otherwise-and avoid Rose, that can be the worst of the three sometimes.

[HeffalumpTheFlump]

I'm the one with the mh issues in my relationship and if there was something that I was doing that was causing me to become unwell again dh would have every right to be angry. He has been through hell because of my illness and I have worked my arse off in therapy to get well, for both our sakes. If I was making choices to do something to risk that, that would show I didn't give a crap what I had put him through.

The op is obviously traumatised by what went on when her dh was drinking and depressed before. No wonder him drinking again scares the hell out of her. It's not about a few days in the year, it's about the long term consequences, the risk that he will become depressed again. I wish she had posted in relationships because she has just been massively kicked when she's down. :(

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

LLucan I copied the exact wording from OPs post at 14.20.

I think a lot of what the OP wrote has been missed by certain posters tbh.

She clearly has control issues with her DH. Her reaction to what he is doing is completely OTT but as she's no longer reading in a

[AgentZigzag]

Your DH has had this under control for two years OP, and while I can understand why you're so upset that he's been drinking wine with his mum while she's over, it does show how little you trust him.

Once a year for a few nights isn't a serious or regular abuse of alcohol, and I wouldn't say snapping at someone is totally out of order behaviour. Neither of them mean his depression is back, but of course you're going to feel jumpy and have flashbacks to how it was when he was at rock bottom.

You've been a bit snappy yourself in your posts on this thread tbh (unusually for you (in a non-stalkerish way)), why do you think it's OK for you but not for him? Yes, we're only internet randoms, but hand on heart, are you sure that doesn't carry over into RL?

Whenever you're trying to cut something out of your life, food/fags/alcohol, it doesn't help when someone overreacts when you indulge in the bad old days. It can give you a sense of 'well I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb', giving you license to up the ante.

I'm not saying if he went back to how he was that it'd be your fault, but your reaction to this is important, and if you show your lack of trust in him, then he might as well carry on, (in secret even to avoid your control/disapproval).

It's plain you don't want to hear that, but there's no other way of saying it, and I'm sure he doesn't want feel he's not to be trusted.

[Lazyjaney]

She never came last year...he's been practically alchol free for two years...till she rocked up with her fucking bag of wine

Bag of wine? There's your answer, that stuff is absolute rotgut. Worst hangovers in the world.

I do note OP is a non drinker too, and MiL and DH like their wine... (taps nose)

[saffronwblue]

I though an alcoholic is someone whose consumption of alcohol creates health, employment of relationship issues. Sounds like the Dh here qualifies and alcohol is an exacerbating factor in his depression and unpleasantness to OP.
Of course she doesn't want MiL egging him on to drink.