To tell DH and MIL that they're not allowed to drink in my house?

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

DH turns into a mean bastard when he drinks....he doesn't really ever get drunk anymore because of this...but whenever MIL comes to stay they get pissed on wine together in the evening.

They sit there oohing and aahing over the fucking labels like they're wine experts but it's just dressing up getting sloshed and nasty on wine.

I have told DH....I said "If you drink with MIL again I am going to pour any wine you buy down the toilet. He denied drinking much....about a bottle it was...each...he can't take it and is a grumpy shit the next day and I resent MIL because she acts all concerned and says "Oh yes you're right Neo....he can't really take alcohol..." and then slurps it up and together they encourage each other.

[MadameOvary]

OP doesn't sound controlling. She sounds stressed and panicky.

Control issues aren't relevant here. Wouldn't you want your DH to avoid something that had such toxic consequences? It's not just about him being grumpy the next day.

Here's my perspective OP - I'm teetotal because alcohol makes me depressed and narky. Completely my own choice but I did ask DP to cut down as well after a recent incident where he was drinking all day and became verbally aggressive. (Prior to that I noticed he would get quite ranty after a few in the evening). He was mortified and already knew he had to cut down - he didn't want to be that person.

Surely your DH doesn't either?


Anyway I think YANBU.

[OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly]

He's an adult, and its his house and his mother. Apart from the fact you have no business ordering the pair of them around, if he does have a drink problem the answer is not for someone else to prevent you from drinking, or to force you to do/not to do things.

OP's attitude is weird. Wine doesnt affect a person any differently than beer does, alcohol is alcohol, different types don't cause different moods. It is clear from the posts that its the amount he drinks, and the company he drinks it in that is the problem.

There seem to be two very different issues here. He had problems with depression and alcohol, which caused severe problems.....and he drinks too much with his mother and is shitty with a hangover. Of course these are related, but they aren't the same issue.

[Beeyump]

I don't understand why the op is fine with her husband having a couple of pints? If he can do that often, he probably isn't an alcoholic tbh. Seems to be more of an issue with MIL.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Lweji

Oh yes, I agree. But you don't tend to get so many knee-jerk reactions. People at least read patiently, mostly.

[Lweji]

AIBU knowledgeable? :)

It's ok for a rant, but it can seriously backfire.
You still get allsorts in Relationships and not necessarily a tap on the back.

[Lazyjaney]

OP I'd repost on Relationships because you'll get a more sympathetic/knowledgeable hearing

Sympathetic maybe, knowledgeable unlikely. AIBU is IMO more accurate a view as it takes input from a lot of points of view.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

TheGirl

The OP has become riled by your attitude. She was already upset when she posted. Silly her for posting on AIBU eh?

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

OP I'd repost on Relationships because you'll get a more sympathetic/knowledgeable hearing.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Jeez

It was pretty clear what the OP was worried about right from the off. It's clear some of you have no understanding of depression and alcohol problems and you are being unsympathetic to boot when she has explained herself

[Lweji]

Fwiw, I totally get the OP and I think people have been largely unfair.

I've been somewhat in her position and, while it's not dragging him off the floor every day, it is draining and it affects the family.

My MIL would encourage exH (note) to drink even though he was on ADs.

He ended up draining all bottles at home, going to buy more and we were all miserable.
He ended up being violent, making death threats, and I can still know when he's been drinking when he sends emails.

I wouldn't take the OP's concerns about drinking lightly at all.
And his mother is selfish if she doesn't understand it. It is possible that she has her own issues.

(and anyone who thinks it's normal to drink one bottle every night, then please see if it's not affecting your life and your family)

[saffronwblue]

I thought an alcoholic is someone whose consumpton of alcohol creates health, employment or relationship issues.

[saffronwblue]

I though an alcoholic is someone whose consumption of alcohol creates health, employment of relationship issues. Sounds like the Dh here qualifies and alcohol is an exacerbating factor in his depression and unpleasantness to OP.
Of course she doesn't want MiL egging him on to drink.

[Lazyjaney]

She never came last year...he's been practically alchol free for two years...till she rocked up with her fucking bag of wine

Bag of wine? There's your answer, that stuff is absolute rotgut. Worst hangovers in the world.

I do note OP is a non drinker too, and MiL and DH like their wine... (taps nose)

[AgentZigzag]

Your DH has had this under control for two years OP, and while I can understand why you're so upset that he's been drinking wine with his mum while she's over, it does show how little you trust him.

Once a year for a few nights isn't a serious or regular abuse of alcohol, and I wouldn't say snapping at someone is totally out of order behaviour. Neither of them mean his depression is back, but of course you're going to feel jumpy and have flashbacks to how it was when he was at rock bottom.

You've been a bit snappy yourself in your posts on this thread tbh (unusually for you (in a non-stalkerish way)), why do you think it's OK for you but not for him? Yes, we're only internet randoms, but hand on heart, are you sure that doesn't carry over into RL?

Whenever you're trying to cut something out of your life, food/fags/alcohol, it doesn't help when someone overreacts when you indulge in the bad old days. It can give you a sense of 'well I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb', giving you license to up the ante.

I'm not saying if he went back to how he was that it'd be your fault, but your reaction to this is important, and if you show your lack of trust in him, then he might as well carry on, (in secret even to avoid your control/disapproval).

It's plain you don't want to hear that, but there's no other way of saying it, and I'm sure he doesn't want feel he's not to be trusted.

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

LLucan I copied the exact wording from OPs post at 14.20.

I think a lot of what the OP wrote has been missed by certain posters tbh.

She clearly has control issues with her DH. Her reaction to what he is doing is completely OTT but as she's no longer reading in a

[HeffalumpTheFlump]

I'm the one with the mh issues in my relationship and if there was something that I was doing that was causing me to become unwell again dh would have every right to be angry. He has been through hell because of my illness and I have worked my arse off in therapy to get well, for both our sakes. If I was making choices to do something to risk that, that would show I didn't give a crap what I had put him through.

The op is obviously traumatised by what went on when her dh was drinking and depressed before. No wonder him drinking again scares the hell out of her. It's not about a few days in the year, it's about the long term consequences, the risk that he will become depressed again. I wish she had posted in relationships because she has just been massively kicked when she's down. :(

[Mia4]

OP what you said before with DP getting rashes when drinking wine sounds very much like my friend's allergy to it. She's the worse when she drinks Rose but gets very depressed when drinking and so a while after, she gets very spiteful and makes comments she normally wouldn't make, feels hot flushes and gets a rash that starts on her neck and makes her look like she has slap drink.

The only wine she doesn't get so bad on it the white low alcohol ones thought she too is better to avoid completely. I'd get him to buy some of that if he has to but have something else otherwise-and avoid Rose, that can be the worst of the three sometimes.

[LLucan]

TheGirlFromIpanema - I can't see where the OP says her DH drinks a pint or two once a fortnight.

[mouldyironingboard]

YANBU to stop your DH and MIL drinking wine. You are quite right to insist that wine is banned from your home as your DH's health and mood are affected badly by it. Surely your MIL can manage to visit without alcohol being involved if you tell her DH is allergic?

[pianodoodle]

I don't think the OP is hard to understand. She knows what the likely outcome of all the wine drinking could be and is worried it could start off another bad period of drinking and depression.

It's not a simple case of someone having a drink once a year and her spoiling his fun.

I'd be worried too. I'd speak to them both and remind your DH that you don't want what happened before and are concerned. The children shouldn't have to put up with the fall out of his drinking either.

[QuintessentialOldDear]

should be ... why cant he...

[QuintessentialOldDear]

But why should SHE put up with him being nasty, why can HE put up with feeling hungover and shite without taking it out on his family?

The issue is how HE behaves and that HE should control his behaviour, not whatever excuse he gives for treating her like shit.

If he cant drink and still treat his family with respect, he should not drink.

[Sallystyle]

Seasick, it is not a hangover.

Did you even read where she said depression?

[RobotHamster]

SeaSick - by the time MIL leaves the damage may already have been done.

[Sallystyle]

BTW my husband has severe depression. If drinking caused it then I would be very angry to see him drinking every night.

I would also be very scared too.

The OP needed support and understanding but some just brushed her off and just put it down to her being pissed off that he is 'grumpy' the next day he has drank. No, he has depression brought on by drinking and he is now putting his mental health at risk again.

If my dh put his mental health at risk by doing something he knew was very likely to lead to depression we would have a problem.