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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting married without telling your kids

134 replies

MikeOxard · 25/08/2013 22:12

AIBU to think it's not on to get married and keep it a secret from your children until after the event?

If, for example, you did this, what would you expect your children's reaction to be?
A. Something along the lines of a simple 'thanks for the invite'?
B. Something more positive, congratulations etc?
C. Or something less positive, expressing hurt/rejection etc?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/08/2013 22:13

Adult or child children?

kickassangel · 25/08/2013 22:14

Depends on the age of the kids and how close they were. I would think it somewhere between unusual and offensive, depending on the relationship there was.

I know one guy who rarely sees his dad, so that would not be a big deal. If you see parents regularly, it could be extremely hurtful.

TSSDNCOP · 25/08/2013 22:21

Depends on the age of the children for starters. Young or adult possibly NBU, anywhere from say 6-17 yes I think you could cause avoidable problems.

inkyfingers · 25/08/2013 22:23

Don't understand why you wouldn't want to tell them, or better still, invite them. Aren't they part of your life,, and surely will be part of you life as a couple?

SorrelForbes · 25/08/2013 22:26

DH and I got married without telling his two DC. We had no choice as they would have told his ex-wife and there was a high likelihood of her and her DH turning up and causing trouble (difficult legal issues at the time).

We did have a big 'wedding' a while later with a big party in which they played significant roles.

reddaisy · 25/08/2013 22:26

Yanbu. Why?

ScornedWoman · 25/08/2013 22:34

My dad did this a few years ago. They just had some friends there as witnesses, so it wasn't o only their children who weren't told/invited. It was what they wanted, so I was happy for them.

DorisIsWaiting · 25/08/2013 22:36

MIL did this to DH (and I).

I thought we had a good relationship. She told us a month later (when she wanted dh to phone his cousins to tell her sister. no issues at all then MIL

We could understand why she had done the speed etc etc (been with FIL 20 years he was ill in another country). However DH (and to some extent I) was hurt by the fact that she didn't feel we would want to know or share with them.

Original poster
MikeOxard · 25/08/2013 22:38

reddaisy Just a situation from the terrible wedding behaviour thread. The son in this particular case was 22 and lived with the Dad.

Sorrel If that was genuinely the reason you couldn't tell them, then surely you could have told them the day before, or even on the actual day? Or not told them in advance, but just taken them along on the day for a surprise?

I just can't understand why you would not have your children there, or at least tell them beforehand - even if the same day. Telling them about it afterwards just seems really hurtful to me, I'd be really upset, ad there's no way I'd do that to my own children. I think it's fucking awful tbh.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 25/08/2013 22:39

My wanker of a dad and his wicked witch wife did this when i was 13, didnt exactly bring out any warm and fuzzy feelings. Ive not had any contact with them for 16 years.

lunar1 · 25/08/2013 22:41

Im with you OP, its vile behaviour whatever the excuses are people find to justify it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/08/2013 22:41

This is a thread about a thread. Mike - I suspect you want people on this thread to back up your views on the terrible wedding behaviour thread, and that could be seen as poor form.

Original poster
MikeOxard · 25/08/2013 22:43

It wasn't just the children they didn't tell/invite btw - it was everyone. I'm not gobsmacked that they didn't tell/invite everyone because they wanted a quiet wedding and there was family politics - that's normal imo, but I am pretty gobsmacked that even in that situation that they wouldn't at least tell and/or invite their own children.

OP posts:
Original poster
MikeOxard · 25/08/2013 22:45

SDTG - It's not a thread about a thread, it's a thread about a situation. I didn't want to hijack that thread with this specific discussion - it's a funny thread with people's outrageous stories, and I didn't want to ruin it by going off topic.

OP posts:
Original poster
MikeOxard · 25/08/2013 22:47

And no, I don't want people to 'back up my views', I'm interested to see what people's views are. That's why I asked.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 25/08/2013 22:49

My dad did it when I was a kid.

And just to really really really shit on my face and rub it in, he asked my two cousins who were a year either side of me in age to be bridesmaids.

*not still bitter in the slightest. Oh no.

CoolaSchmoola · 25/08/2013 22:53

My dad did this when I was fifteen. They rang me from their 'holiday' and told me they were at a well known wedding place. I jokingly said 'you're not going to get married are you? Hahaha!' and my dad said 'We already did, this morning!' That wasn't hahaha at all.

I knew they were engaged, they'd even said I could be a bridesmaid, which I'd been so excited about, so this was a proper kick in the teeth to me. I'm not an only child so it was the same for my sibs too.

Having been well brought up by mum I feigned joy to my dad, and then to his wife, and when I got off the phone I sobbed.

It changed my relationship with my dad. He made me feel like a nobody. I found out recently that another family member had known and been sworn to secrecy, but that they told my dad it was a shitty thing to do to his children. Didn't stop him though. I also found out recently that my dad's wife's family all knew beforehand too, so it was just my dad's kids who weren't allowed to know, which seems utterly incomprehensible to me. It was, and in some ways still is, very very hurtful.

LongTailedTit · 25/08/2013 22:58

Yup - my mum and 2nd stepdad did a road trip thru America and decided it would be a fabulous idea to get married in Las Vegas. Hmm

They rang us at home in Suffolk after, we were all pretty unimpressed, including my grandparents who were looking after us at the time. DSis and I were 13/14ish.

Funny enough they're divorced now.

Jan49 · 25/08/2013 23:20

I think it depends on the circumstances - the age of the dc, whether they live with the couple, what their relationship is like.

My ex (my ds's father) remarried and our ds (aged 13) was invited and went to the wedding. I think it was right that he was invited and went but I don't think it would have been a big deal for him if he hadn't been invited or hadn't gone.

BadRoly · 25/08/2013 23:25

Fil did this a few years ago. Dh wasn't too bothered but sil was very angry and upset. We certainly had 2 of our dc so no more than 6 years ago making us all in our 30s.

History between fil's wife and rest of the family so nothing she does is that surprising.

Actually, the funniest thing for dh (and worst for sil) was that fil announced the news in identical postcards that fortunately arrived the same day...Shock

Pancakeflipper · 25/08/2013 23:27

My DP's parents did this. Went to a register office and got married after 30years of being together.

DP was in his early 20's and he was really upset ( he gets upset about nothing usually so it must have been hurting). His siblings also were pissed off. They wanted to be part of it. Or at least know about the plans.

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 25/08/2013 23:31

My mum and step dad did it. I had an idea though. We all went to celebrate after wards. They have their reasons why they kept it low key and I fully understand them.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 25/08/2013 23:32

Telling them about it afterwards just seems really hurtful to me, I'd be really upset

So would it be better for a couple who want to avoid drama with their DCs/exs but want to be married for legal reasons to do it in secret but not tell anyone afterwards, and have a 'wedding' years later to which everyone was invited?

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 25/08/2013 23:34

His siblings also were pissed off. They wanted to be part of it. Or at least know about the plans.

Why? Genuine question, btw - I don't understand what difference it makes?

SunshineBossaNova · 25/08/2013 23:41

My dad has done this twice - once when I was a child, again when I was am adult. My step siblings were there both times. It hurt like hell, and confirmed to me that I am a very small part of his life.