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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting married without telling your kids

134 replies

MikeOxard · 25/08/2013 22:12

AIBU to think it's not on to get married and keep it a secret from your children until after the event?

If, for example, you did this, what would you expect your children's reaction to be?
A. Something along the lines of a simple 'thanks for the invite'?
B. Something more positive, congratulations etc?
C. Or something less positive, expressing hurt/rejection etc?

OP posts:
brdgrl · 26/08/2013 20:45

This is a thread about a thread, and rather than letting the poster on that thread post in her own words about her own circumstances, you've created this thread specifically to have a go at her, and wind up others to have a go.

I think it is a spectacularly nasty way to use MN, and I hope that everyone else will see through it. Why are you so determined to browbeat another poster about this issue, which has absolutely fuck all to do with you, after all?

maddy68 · 26/08/2013 20:50

It depends. If they tell noone then I think it's fine.
If they invite loads of people and exclude children then that's a different story

Revengeofkarma · 26/08/2013 22:31

My mother actually topped this.

Planned a wedding in secret. Wasn't going to tell anyone. Destination wedding in he Caribbean. (She goes every year for a conference, then they turn it into a two week tropical holiday.) This particular year, planned ahead, made all the arrangements, got the paperwork sorted, etc. low key - they just had to decide which day to do it and do it.

Turns out they didn't. Which should hav been no big deal, as it was all secret, right?

Except that she came back and phoned everyone up and told them how she was going to get married without them and wasn't this hysterically funny?

While no one would really have minded if she'd eloped, this rankled pretty much everyone.

Original poster
MikeOxard · 27/08/2013 21:33

brdgrl - I haven't created this thread about that person, it's about a hypothetical general situation of getting married and not telling your kids. Read the other posts here - this situation is not unique to that woman, lots of people have experienced it and have something to say about it. It's a discussion point.

The reason I started this thread was that I didn't want to thread hijack, as it was really a new and different subject than 'terrible weddings', so I started this thread to find out what other people thought.

I have no interest in 'browbeating' anyone (WTF?!), and no interest in winding anyone up - in fact the only person who seems wound up here is you!

OP posts:
chirpchirp · 27/08/2013 21:39

My mum did this last year, but this is the same woman who left me a voicemail to tell me my gran had died so it's pretty much textbook selfish behaviour for her.

brdgrl · 27/08/2013 22:09

Well, at least this thread has shown that an awful lot of people understand exactly why it might be a perfectly reasonable thing to do and agree that the person about who you are absolutely not posting did not do anything wrong.

TicTakToe · 27/08/2013 23:06

My father remarried when I was in my early teens. It was a very small wedding, just the witnesses and their plus ones, but they were all family. They had lived together for a few years, but I didn't know that they were engaged / considering marriage untill they were showing me honeymoon pictures.

The fact that they had family as witnesses and a honeymoon said to me it was more than just a formality, but yes, everyone should have the wedding that they want.

The trouble is, it brings right into the open your priorities and how you see people: I understand that my fathers new wife is important to him, but I am not important enough to know how important she is to him, if you see what I mean.

Being so out of the loop on something that most people think of as so important, it shouldn't be a surprise that some people would be alienated and excluded.

Original poster
MikeOxard · 27/08/2013 23:13

Ok then... Again, the ONLY person talking about her is YOU brdgrl. Read the posts. Everyone is talking about their own experiences or about the subject in general.

And you're right, lots of people did think it's ok. 6 or 7 people actually, plus 4 parents who did it themselves. So about even numbers with those who thought it's wrong then. Plus 7 or 8 saying depends on age/situation. But if you're really interested in the numbers, I think the interesting ones are:
Children who were hurt by this: 34
Children who were fine with it: 3
So a lovely ratio of about 10 devastated children for each one who wasn't bothered. I'm glad this ratio is so acceptable to you brdgrl. How heartwarming.

OP posts:
brdgrl · 27/08/2013 23:15

No, I'm not the only one.
This thread is bad form.

Original poster
MikeOxard · 27/08/2013 23:19

Meh, report it then and get it deleted. I actually feel bad for the last post. The numbers speak for themselves, but people have shared their really sad stories and you can't measure heartbreak with numbers :(

OP posts:
brdgrl · 27/08/2013 23:19

PS, your analysis of the stats is wrong.

IdaClair · 27/08/2013 23:23

My children are young, so if I were to get married I wouldn't tell them as I assume I would need someone to look after them, which would be family or close friends, who I would not want to tell. So I suppose I wouldn't tell them either. Bit different there though. If they were adults, I can't see why it would matter to them.

Original poster
MikeOxard · 27/08/2013 23:50

I've asked for the thread to be deleted. It's just awful to read tbh. People's childhood heartbreak interspersed with 'well we did it, so I don't see the problem'. :(

OP posts:
CointreauVersial · 28/08/2013 00:18

DM married DSD without telling me or DB (11 and 5 at the time).

But we never knew they weren't married before that! She changed her name to his, and they had had DB, and this was the 70s, after all, when no "respectable" couple lived together outside marriage.

But they had to wait for DSD's divorce to come through.

We didn't find out for years, but somehow I had worked it out for myself by then anyway. Neither DB nor I were bothered, tbh. They are still together, 40+ years on.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 28/08/2013 10:15

I've asked for the thread to be deleted. It's just awful to read tbh. People's childhood heartbreak interspersed with 'well we did it, so I don't see the problem'.

But you started the thread! And now you want it deleted because the replies aren't comfortable reading for you!!!

It's been incredibly useful for me as its something I have considered and debated at length with DP - and the posts here clearly indicate that those who have been most upset by a parents secret wedding have experienced other forms of rejection from the parent. Those who have had a positive relationship with their parent have been more accepting - all be it, feeling hurt, but understanding and supportive of their parents decision.

So, for us, it's whether my DSC and DD already feel rejected that we need to consider. I'm certain my DD and DSD don't, but DSS is a different matter. When you are told so often by one parent that the other doesn't care, then you begin to doubt it.

IneedAyoniNickname · 28/08/2013 10:20

My ex ps mum did this. She invited 4 of her 5 dc, but left one (my ex) out. Apparently because he was living with his dad at the time and she didn't want him finding out. She also had all of her grandchildren there other than mine.

I can't ever imagine doing it.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 28/08/2013 10:32

My mum has done this THREE times. Three. Luckily we have a very good relationship so I don't harbour much ill feeling about it.

First time I was 8 or 9 and had been staying with my grandmother for a week while my mum and her boyfriend went on holiday. They came back and announced that they'd gotten married whilst away. My grandmother went apeshit and didn't speak to them for a while. I don't remember thinking anything other than "Oh". It later transpired that he was a violent bully who had pressured my mum into getting married. We fled in the middle of the night about a year later.

Second time, I was 12 and had been ill at school. The nurse called my mum to collect me and was told they weren't available and I'd have to stay at home. After school I dragged myself home and opened the front door to find confetti all over the hall. I went into the lounge and my mum was there with her boyfriend and a couple of their friends, and said that they'd gotten married earlier that day. Surpriiiiiiiise! Hmm They separated 4 years later when he came out as transgender.

Third time, I was 24 and sitting in the cafe at uni with my friends when I got a text from my mum asking me to guess what she and her manfriend (he's in his 50s, boyfriend is a weird term!!) had done that day. "Yup, we're legal!" followed it. I later saw on facebook that she'd posted an update saying they were celebrating with "family", which I presume to mean HIS children because neither me or my brother even knew they were getting married, let alone received an invitation.

That all sounds pretty awful but in every other respect, my mum IS wonderful. She's just really, really odd about relationships and weddings.

Bahhhhhumbug · 28/08/2013 10:37

Yes childrens heartbreak. 'That woman' as you charmingly called her didn't leave any children out of her wedding and yet you made a personal attack on her and were so angry about it said you were starting this thread to discuss this 'terrible behaviour' further. Now you are going with the consensus that it is ok as long as no children (in the literal sense , not inc. adult offspring) are hurt by it and your last few posts are all about the devastating figures of hurt children.
'That woman' and her husband left out all their adult children/stepchildren along with the rest of the family. They eloped in fact and no children were hurt/left out in the process. She did not deserve your vitriol therefore and l notice your post to her was deleted as a personal attack presumably.

Lioninthesun · 28/08/2013 10:38

My mum did this to me when I was 14. I was a weekly boarder and she rang up when I was at my dad's (used to see them every other weekend) and asked me to guess what she had done that weekend...
I wasn't impressed. Very hurt and never really forgave her. He was 87 and she had been his live in nurse. I am sure she did love him and was lonely, but that was the worst possible way to gain a new member of the family; especially considering his age. She was a wimp not to tell me about it and talk it over like a rational adult.

Lioninthesun · 28/08/2013 10:46

Eloping is one thing, but not telling your children what you are doing is another. Age may play a factor, but secrecy in many things is a recipe for disaster. In my case I suppose it was damage limitation as I am an only child. Which really just served to make me feel more isolated if I am honest. I had only met him once though (as my mum's patient) so perhaps if they had had a more open/long standing relationship it would have been easier.

Original poster
MikeOxard · 28/08/2013 22:33

Wow, Bahhh(etc)humbug what the actual fuck are you talking about? Everything, everything everything about your post is completely wrong. What nonsense.
1 "'That woman' as you charmingly called her" What's wrong with 'that woman?

  1. "didn't leave any children out of her wedding and yet you made a personal attack on her" - I didn't make a personal attack on her at all, what the fuck are you talking about? She said her dss had behaved terribly by saying 'thanks for the invite', and I disagreed and said she was the one who'd behaved terribly by not telling him.
  2. "and were so angry about it" I wasn't 'angry at all'. I was gobsmacked that someone would do that to their child, but I was not angry at all - why would I be angry with her? I don't know her! What an odd thing to say.
  3. "said you were starting this thread to discuss this 'terrible behaviour' further". No. I only started this thread when a couple of other people also came on and said they'd done this to their kids too or thought it was ok. So that got me wondering what the general opinion was on that general situation.
  4. "Now you are going with the consensus that it is ok as long as no children (in the literal sense , not inc. adult offspring) are hurt by it" No, not at all, I think it's a shitty thing to do to adult children as well. Adult children still have feelings - you might get better able to cope with hurt, but you don't get immune!
  5. "and your last few posts are all about the devastating figures of hurt children." 'Offspring' if you like - some of the PPs were adult children of secret marrying parents.
  6. "'That woman' and her husband left out all their adult children/stepchildren along with the rest of the family. They eloped in fact and no children were hurt/left out in the process." Firstly: So? This isn't about that woman, why are you going on and on about this one woman? And secondly, the child who was obviously hurt by the marriage (hence the sarky response the woman complained about) was the dss. Yes he was an adult child, but still a child of one of the marrying pair.
  7. "She did not deserve your vitriol" What fucking vitriol? What on earth are you talking about?
  8. "therefore and l notice your post to her was deleted as a personal attack presumably". I have no idea why my post was deleted, I didn't even know it was deleted until I read your post, but given how wrong you've been about everything else, I wouldn't go presuming if I were you. You clearly aren't very good at it (if you'll excuse the vitriol).
OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 28/08/2013 22:35

My dad did this when I was 8/9. I was not impressed that I only found out when he gave me a cheque for my 10th birthday from him and SM with the same surnames on Hmm

Bahhhhhumbug · 29/08/2013 13:49

All this talk of 'childhood heartache' and devastating statistics being supplied of 'children' being hurt then are about actual children and adult offspring then are they ? Yeah right ok.

Your whole argument and reason for starting this thread has been blown out of the water by the majority of posters when it comes to second marriages and adult offspring. But the majority who do agree with you have said only if young children are hurt , left out etc. but dont agree with you if we are talking about getting married in the absence of adult family.
Yet this thread was started directly about an adult stepchild not being invited to an elopement wedding of his parent.
So rather than accept that most people don't agree with you and actually feel it's ok to elope without inviting adult offspring , you have just conveniently shifted your argument to being about actual children being left out as the thread's gone on.
It negates your whole argument with 'that woman' however and all the criticism you have piled on her and even started a whole thread about in an attempt to get people on side against her.
I think we can safely say that your original post was deleted as a personal attack judging by your hostile language used in this thread and the original about the subject of that post.

I agree with Brdgl this thread is very bad form , almost vendetta-like but no-one else can see the alleged ' crime ' committed except you.

plinkyplonks · 29/08/2013 13:57

brdgr - Sorry, Don't think there ever a circumstance where it would be acceptable to do this. Both of my parents did this, I have never forgiven either of them for it. It's an extremely selfish thing to do. I don't think there can be an excuse for it. And people who do it should rightly feel terrible and ashamed of themselves.

plinkyplonks · 29/08/2013 14:01

brdgr And by the way, stop trying to thread hijack.. I'm sure this thread will help plenty of people. If you don't think this thread is helpful, report it to the mods or please just refrain from posting.