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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting married without telling your kids

134 replies

MikeOxard · 25/08/2013 22:12

AIBU to think it's not on to get married and keep it a secret from your children until after the event?

If, for example, you did this, what would you expect your children's reaction to be?
A. Something along the lines of a simple 'thanks for the invite'?
B. Something more positive, congratulations etc?
C. Or something less positive, expressing hurt/rejection etc?

OP posts:
teacherandguideleader · 26/08/2013 08:28

If the whole thing was done in secret and no-one knew, I wouldn't mind.

My dad did this though. My nan mentioned in passing 'oh your dad enjoyed his wedding' - she assumed I knew, my shocked face told otherwise. Got a text later that day from my dad saying he thought he had mentioned it. He also told me that they had no guests anyway as a way of trying to make me feel better (it didn't).

A few months later I was visiting and he had left his laptop on the living room floor while he went to fetch some pizzas. The screen saver came on showing photos of the wedding. Her children and my dad's other children (my half siblings) were all there :(

BitOfAFatCowReally · 26/08/2013 08:45

My mum did this and yes, it hurt. Posters are asking why and I can't really explain. But yes, in my case, it is a very dysfunctional relationship.

Turniptwirl · 26/08/2013 09:08

I would be fuming if either of my parents did this. Especially as in the case of my dad, all her kids would know and be involved as she's very close to them

GertBySea · 26/08/2013 09:15

I wonder if the other thread person will read this.

LookingThroughTheFog · 26/08/2013 09:23

Surely it entirely depends on the people involved and the relationship they have? And it isn't up to anyone else to decide for them.

I'd be bloody relieved if my dad got married and didn't tell me. Genuine relief that he was someone else's problem now, and that I didn't have to attend a bloody even and simper and pretend we were all happy families. Relief that there was a clear and obvious example that we don't actually mean anything to him and that I no longer have any obligation.

With my mum it's more complicated. On the one hand, I'd like her to be married to her partner because at the moment she has no legal protection, and the man's an arse. But I don't want her to be married to an arse, so i'd prefer she didn't marry him at all. She was intending to get married last year, but he kicked up a fuss so they didn't. So part of me thinks if he'd be prepared to do it on the proviso that nobody knew, and she wanted to be married to him and had made that decision as an adult, then I'd prefer they were married without us knowing.

My ideal would be that she ditched the arse and found someone who genuinely loved her and treated her like royalty. Someone who wanted her to have her day and who didn't act like a jelous toddler when she wanted to spend time with her children.

But ultimately, I don't feel I have the right to meddle in her life any more than I'd want her to meddle in mine.

I think it's a lot different if there is a closer relationship and definitely if the children are not adults though. I think it's harsh to land a new step-parent on a child as if it's irrelevant in their lives. Even then, I think if there are circumstances where it's in effect a piece of paper, and there would be trouble from other family members, then I don't see it as a big deal.

SorrelForbes · 26/08/2013 09:28

I don't want to go into too much detail for fear of outing myself but rest assured my DSC's DM would have turned up.

We would have much rather waited until things had been resolved legally before getting married but things happened very quickly over residency/visas and housing which made marriage a necessity.

smellysox · 26/08/2013 09:29

I had a party to celebrate my wedding which had been held abroad. My father turned up and introduced his 3rd wife to everyone and had not even told his kids Shock. Caused a big upset and I've not seen him since.

meddie · 26/08/2013 09:33

My ex did this. Kids found out when pics appeared online 6months later. My daughter has had nothing to do with him since. My son has an email only relationship. DD cannot forgive him. He has done this twice.
I don t think its the secrecy. Its the fact that he didnt care enough to tell her.

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2013 09:36

If parents don't tell their children about such an important part of their lives of course the children will feel excluded. Finding out that other family members knew/were part of it just compounds the hurt.

It just actively demonstrates how much of a family you are (or otherwise).

SHarri13 · 26/08/2013 09:40

My mum and step dad did a few years ago. I was 24 and my brother 23. We were both delighted for them and still are. It's about them and their relationship. They really didn't want a fuss, it was the perfect way for them to do it.

We're all very close too apart from distance.

carabos · 26/08/2013 09:41

My step father's ex wife did this to her DDs ( my step sisters). They were 11ish / 10 ish at the time. First they knew of it was they came down to breakfast to find a man they had never met at the kitchen table. He was the new husband.

Their mother's reasoning was that she just didn't want to have a big discussion about it Hmm. We presumed that the reason there would have been a big discussion was that she had only known him for three weeks Shock.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 26/08/2013 09:42

If parents don't tell their children about such an important part of their lives of course the children will feel excluded

But what if it isnt an 'important part of their lives'? What if its just to put in place for financial/legal security?

I wouldn't tell my DD if DP and I put in place the necessary legal documentation to protect each other (and the DCs) in the future, so what is the difference?

My DD knows that me and her DSDad are committed to one another, as do we, we don't need to make promises in front of friends and family to know that - but legally, marriage provides legal status that can otherwise be difficult and expensive to obtain.

LouiseAderyn · 26/08/2013 10:12

mostly I feel that marriage is between the two people getting wed and have never understood why people want the world to witness it - it's a private, intimate thing, to me. I would have loved to elope with dh but it would have hurt too many peoples feelings, so we didn't.

I think it becomes a real problem when one person's family/dc know all about it and are included and the other persons are deliberately kept in the dark.

I think in blended families the couple can't always do what they would prefer because it is easy for step kids to feel hurt and excluded from their parent's lives, if not carefully handled.

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2013 10:22

But what if it isnt an 'important part of their lives'? What if its just to put in place for financial/legal security?

If that's all it is - but in most cases it means far more than that.

If you know your family wouldn't care, then fair enough, But if you know they would then you take the risk of hurting them and that decision is entirely up to you.

Silverfoxballs · 26/08/2013 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WitchOfEndor · 26/08/2013 10:29

My Dad did this, everyone else on his side of the family knew and went. He also didn't tell me when my DG (his mum) had died. We found out two weeks later from a friend of my aunts old next door neighbours son!

There's a lot of reasons why I don't talk to him anymore. Cunt.

Nagoo · 26/08/2013 10:31

My mum did it to me, I was about 12 I think. It pissed me off, but I never told her.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 26/08/2013 10:32

If you know your family wouldn't care, then fair enough, But if you know they would then you take the risk of hurting them and that decision is entirely up to you.

But surely being a parent doesn't mean that you always put your DCs feelings ahead of your own throughout your life?
Isn't it selfish of adult DCs to expect their parents to live the life their DCs expect?

I know families where the parents have emigrated/moved '000 miles away and the DCs have been unhappy/hurt - should the parents have stayed living near their DCs rather than live where they wanted to?

Original poster
MikeOxard · 26/08/2013 10:33

China "there's a number of people on this thread that have been similarly excluded from their parent's wedding at the same stage in their lives who have said they were very hurt, despite trying hard to come across as nonchalant to their parent at the time. - Isn't that a good thing though? That the DCs behaved appropriately despite being hurt? "

Shock NO!! WTF is wrong with you? The important thing is NOT how good the devastated children's poker faces are! The important thing is how they feel. And it's not bad behaviour to say 'I'm hurt' honestly to your mum or dad. I feel really, really sorry for your kids.

"I do not believe for one moment that a parent should sacrifice their own lives in order to avoid hurting their DCs feelings." Then ffs don't have kids! Parenthood is all about sacrifice - usually willing sacrifice for the sake of your kids. People usually modify their own behaviour when considering others' feelings - we behave in a certain way around colleagues, friends, strangers, anyone - to ensure we don't unnecessary hurt or inconvenience them. You should have at least the same courtesy for your children! Or do you just do whatever you want in any situation without regard to anyone else?

OP posts:
Mojavewonderer · 26/08/2013 10:39

My husband and I ran away to Gretna green to get married on valentines day! We didn't tell anyone and my mum baby sat my kids who obviously didn't know. When we rang them to tell them they were so happy for us and my mum said she was proud of me for following my heart and doing something romantic. In fact no one in our family was upset and we had a huge party thrown for us when we got back. The day was so special to us and we would do it again! We have both been married before in traditional full family style and both our weddings were disasters so it really was a no brainer for us.

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/08/2013 10:40

Very wrong and selfish but sadly being selfish isnt rare. I can understand wanting a quiet wedding compared to some of the ridicously expensive "party" type but to exclude your own children from your vows is simply awful.

Its nothing like moving, at least with that there are visits etc. Its one wedding on one day, you cant relive it.

WaitingForMe · 26/08/2013 10:43

DHs dad did this. His choice. Just as it's my choice that he isn't closely involved with my family and is thus denied the opportunity to hurt them.

He was an evening guest at our wedding.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 26/08/2013 10:50

we behave in a certain way around colleagues, friends, strangers, anyone - to ensure we don't unnecessary hurt or inconvenience them. You should have at least the same courtesy for your children

So who decides what's 'necessary', and therefore when it is acceptable to hurt people's feelings?

Was it 'necessary' for me to authorise DDs immunisations? To move house when her dad and I split? To intervene in her relationship with her stepsister? To send her to a school she didn't want to go to? They all upset her, hurt her feelings, created negative emotion towards me.
They weren't life or death decisions - I weighed up the benefits and risks of each and made a decision accordingly - which is what I'm doing now.

Will the benefits of a secret marriage outweigh the disadvantages - to me, DP, DD and the DSC?

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 26/08/2013 10:53

Its nothing like moving, at least with that there are visits etc. Its one wedding on one day, you cant relive it.

A marriage and a wedding are different though, aren't they?

A wedding is a public statement of commitment to each other - a marriage a legal transaction - and on its own, quite dull and boring, especially for DCs !

Lara2 · 26/08/2013 11:53

DH's DM & DSF did this when he was about 13 and he was incredibly hurt and upset. It still wrankles with him, but TBH it's just one incident in a lifelong list of things that she has done, excusing every bit of bad and selfish behaviour as doing what she thought "was best at the time". Obviously Hmm

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