Getting married without telling your kids

[MikeOxard]

AIBU to think it's not on to get married and keep it a secret from your children until after the event?

If, for example, you did this, what would you expect your children's reaction to be?
A. Something along the lines of a simple 'thanks for the invite'?
B. Something more positive, congratulations etc?
C. Or something less positive, expressing hurt/rejection etc?

In what way, shape or form is making a quick courtesy call to your own bloody child to let them know you've just got married/are getting married "sacrificing your own life"?

China I believe that, while they are still children, being a parent actually does mean putting your children's feelings ahead of your own. I'm not suggesting for a minute that parents should only make decisions that won't upset their children. That's an impossible thing to do and certainly wouldn't be in their best interests. What you describe doing with your DD is simply part of being a responsible parent.

However, the issue here is the secrecy. If a marriage is just a legal transaction, then why on earth would anyone keep it secret from their children, who may not be of an age to appreciate or agree with that definition and would only understand that they had been excluded.

I can see that having a big wedding/ even a fairly small wedding and not saying could be hurtful, but my friends decided to get married and didn't tell a soul until afterwards. The kids (aged 4-20) were fine with it, they all had a big meal planned that evening and friends took a small wedding cake along and told them then. They didn't want a fuss and they didn't get one!

I don't think there is anything wrong with this. If it's a second marriage they might not feel the need to make a big song and dance out of it and just want to slip off and maybe grab a couple of witnesses off the street.

If it's going to bring up lots of family politics and problems I can' see why not. At the end of the day it's a legal formality and you're not obliged to go the party, guests and presents route unless you want to.

There doesn't have to be a big song and dance about any wedding. It can be as small or as grand as you choose.

But in my personal opinion, I think it is hurtful to not even tell your children you're going to get married, even if you don't want them there.

I would also be hurt if I wasn't invited to my DC's wedding. I would like to be there on such a happy day.

Some may find that unreasonable but that's how I feel.

why on earth would anyone keep it secret from their children, who may not be of an age to appreciate or agree with that definition and would only understand that they had been excluded.

Well, for exactly that reason!

Better to keep it a secret until they are older than tell them something they don't understand and so will upset them, surely?

In what way, shape or form is making a quick courtesy call to your own bloody child to let them know you've just got married/are getting married "sacrificing your own life"?

I agree. Why not get married and let the DCs know afterwards?

If they are young children there is often the matter that the parents may feel uncomfortable asking them to 'celebrate' their new wedding when the children may still be grieving for their parents marriage. Or not wanting to rub the ex partners face in it. I imagine it would be very hard packing your excited children off to your exes wedding. Or if there is politics and it would have caused arguments or trouble.

If they are adults quite frankly I think they should suck it up and deal with it.

My dad did this. Sent a card saying sorry you couldn't come to our wedding in Thailand tomorrow (not that we were invited or knew anything about it beforehand).
Can't say it bothered me much but then I was an about 25, if I was a child I would have thought it much much more U.

China I think we may be talking at cross purposes. I wasn't suggesting that a parent get married, exclude their child and then tell them immediately afterwards. I was suggesting that the parent include the child in the marriage to start with.

Even if a parent explains to their child that they're just nipping off down the road to sign some papers and that it's not a big thing, then that is better than keeping it secret.

Obviously, all parents will make the decision that they see fit, but as a child who has been on the receiving end of such treatment, I can tell you that while I don't remember the normal parenting decisions that upset me as a child, the feeling of utter hurt and rejection is still something I remember very clearly.

ella But is it always better?

You say you suffered feelings of rejection when you found out but what if instead, you'd known in advance, but knew that you couldn't tell your other parent because they would rely on you as an emotional crutch? Or knew that if you let it slip, you wouldn't see the parent who was getting married for weeks/months and there would be all sorts of drama involving professionals, court etc?

I do take your point China, I was lucky enough not to have to be in the middle of all of those other issues.

There are enough people on this thread that were in the same position as me though, so perhaps I should clarify that in the absence of any of those issues, I think it's a selfish thing to do to a child.

My father did this when he married my witch of an ex stepmother!

Ella I think you're right - there isn't a one-size-fits-all right or wrong to this one; it depends entirely on the circumstances of each family as to whether it is selfish or sensible for parents to invite their DCs or keep it a secret.

Judgements like the one on the other thread, which take no account of the background, circumstances or issues are ill informed and hurtful in the extreme.

My Dad did this a number of years ago. I don't know the exact year/date, but reckon I was around 32 at the time. I asked him outright once (after seeing his partner wearing a ring) and he lied to my face and told me they weren't married. I found out by chance years later.

I can't say that it didn't hurt. We were in regular contact, there was no animosity between us or his partner (they had lived together for years). They had also made a massive fuss about inviting his partner's parents to our wedding (we didn't know them) which although made things very awkward for my mother we did. They also invited a very good friend of mine and his wife to be witnesses, so that involved them keeping the whole thing secret for years too.

I still have no idea why they did it. Her side of the family were there, but there was nobody from my Dad's side. It would have been nice to have been told even if we hadn't been invited. We are still on good terms and I've never had a discussion with his wife about it. No point really.

I don't think it really matters how old the children are tbh. It's dismissive of your existing family to exclude them from such an important event in your life, kind of like they're in your past and no longer important iyswim.

SeaSickSal Mon 26-Aug-13 13:32:54

If they are young children there is often the matter that the parents may feel uncomfortable asking them to 'celebrate' their new wedding when the children may still be grieving for their parents marriage. Or not wanting to rub the ex partners face in it. I imagine it would be very hard packing your excited children off to your exes wedding. Or if there is politics and it would have caused arguments or trouble.

If they are adults quite frankly I think they should suck it up and deal with it.

^^
I totally agree with this excellent post. I agree it isn't always that simple in step families. Also Op your main gripe seems to be with DCs/kids etc being left out. In my case (and the case of the poster on the other thread, l believe ) when we are talking about adult offspring then the two situations are entirely different. My DH and l went away and had a quickie wedding in similar circs to the poster on the other thread and like her didn't tell anyone whatsoever. I think that is also key - if you dont tell anybody at all fine, you are not singling out anyone for lesser treatment - so l do understand why 'the other thread poster' didn't tell her SS as equally that wouldn't have been fair on the other family members. Also If you tell them all asap after the event ,so they dont 'find out' through gossip or media again - fine imo. I don't think the PA sarky retort of 'thanks for inviting me' on the other thread was acceptable as response to news of a parents happy event from an adult and was designed l would say to make the DH feel guilty and uncomfortable. Didn't she also say he went on about it long after the wedding also?

My adult DSCs one in particular were very resistant to our relationship and would spend every meal or social gathering by talking incessantly about how their dad and mum used to come here etc etc in an attempt to marginalise me and our relationship (mine and his dads obv.). If we invited him out with the two of us he would all but ignore me and talk directly to his dad across me and always about his mum or his mum and dad together.

I am not talking here about a child or an adult with MH issues (had issues obv. but not MH ones) but an intelligent reasonably educated young man well into his twenties. Maybe as Seasick so eloquently puts it he was subconsciously grieving for his parents marriage but either way he would not accept me/us despite his dad and l making every effort and his dad talking with him and encouraging him to do so and me in the face of lots of rudeness ignorance etc from him being dignified and patient and friendly towards him.

My own adult DCs were fine with 'us' and the rest of his family were also. But given all above it was obvious he would not have enjoyed standing there watching the very relationship he tried to destroy (another long story) frankly, being consolidated and listening to his dad making the same vows to me that he made to his mother whom he obviously would prefer to still be with his dad.

So as long as no 'children' ( in the literal sense of the word ) were deliberately hurt and no-one was treated favourably or less so which is obviously hurtful. I also think it is hugely relevant whether the 'children' are watching their own mum and dad getting married to each other (which l appreciate could be hurtful to be excluded from - being the 'fruit' of that relationship) or watching one parent marry another person whose relationship with their parent has no connection to either their existence, their childhood or their upbringing as in my case.

My mother and step father did this. I was horrified for a number of reasons. Not a good idea AFAIC.

There are plenty of people who don't like being the centre of attention. I couldn't imagine anything worse. So it depends why they did it and what the family were angry about. I would hate to feel obliged to undergo a day of tortuous attention just so that other people got to enjoy a party (I am very uncomfortable in large groups who all want something from me). But we had been together for ages and everyone knew we planned to get around to it sooner or later, so they weren't surprised when we did it with the absolute minimum number of guests. I think relatives may justifiably be miffed if a previously unknown person is hoiked upon them before they've had chance to get used to the idea though. But I just don't see that they have a right to share the day - declaring your love and commitment is extremely private and personal for some.

If they are adults quite frankly I think they should suck it up and deal with it

Perhaps that's the case if there is a happy, wonderful relationship preceding the marriage. But if said parent has hitherto been an absentee parent and a self-absorbed shit, not being invited feels like another fucking shitty thing that Dad did.

But hey, what do I know, I should have totes sucked it up.

I think an important point here is that adults have the right to do things that their family members will find wrong or hurtful but to still be supported by them, within reason.

For example, my DSis is with a man who dumped her horribly - twice! - but we still are polite to him at Christmas, send him birthday cards etc. I am unsure about their relationship but it is her choice ; I told her once, once, that I thought she was wrong and then shut my gob. I think it's okay to express disappointment briefly at not being invited to a wedding, but unless there are other issues, adults need to move on and accept that others are acting according to their own best lights.

Also, opinions change, and children's feelings are often selfish. More so than parents', I believe. I am ashamed to remember that when my mum first wanted to leave DDad I tried to persuade her out of it, as I couldn't imagine family life with them apart. I was an adult then. But my honest immediate mental reaction was along the lines of 'Mummeeee, nooo'. We can be selfish towards our parents in a way we aren't to others as we are so used to them giving stuff up for us.

Thankfully I got over my selfishness pretty quickly, but I will always be embarrassed by that initial convo with my mum. It is worth asking yourself, when your parents die, would you feel guilty if you had been negative about such a piece of special news?

Both my parents did this when remarrying. I was around 11. Really upset not as I was told because I didn't get to dress up and be a bridesmaid but because I felt betrayed that my parents would do this with out even notifying me and siblings. Mum had always promised she would. Did nothing to endear me to either step parent. I think if you are creating new families rather than just cementing a couple that it seems decent to let the others involved know about it.

I think the poster on other thread which generated this one did say her STBDH had gone out of his way to spend time with his son and socialise with him but he didn't want to know.
So don't think those circs can be classed as a further kick in the teeth from an absentee father as the SS also lived with them.
Also gettingeasier you also make an important point. Going off and doing the deed on the quiet to escape family politics etc and coming back married to your established partner whom you already lived with or were engaged to etc is a million miles away from just coming home one day with a complete stranger on your arm and saying to your DCs (adult or otherwise) and other family. 'This is my new wife, 'Whatsherface' so deal with it' !!!!
Also imo telling everybody straight after is infinitely better than telling them before and then saying 'You're not invited however for reasons xyz'

Surely the latter smacks of the playground taunt of 'We're going feeding the ducks and you're not coming !!

My Dad, with whom i was very close &had chosen to live with after my parents separated, married my stepmother in secret. I was about 30 at the time. They said they didn't want a big do, was precipitated by health issues after a long period of living together blah blahblah. Only, it turned out stepmother's cousin and my stepsis were the witnesses. I was really hurt but put a brave face on it, congratulated them etc. Thing is, 10+ years down the line, I realise it was the shape of things to come. He will cite arrangements made with stepmother's family as the reason for not doing stuff with me, DH and my kids, eg spend Christmas together. I thought I was hurt at the time, but it just hurts more and more as time goes on.

In short, it's one thing to marry in secret & pull in witnesses off the street. It's quite another to pick & choose who gets an invite when there are children from previous relationships involved. You need to be even handed - unless the actual point is a big fuck you to your existing kids, in which case job done!

Yes l agree as in my previous post Dustbunny either tell/invite nobody in immediate family or tell/ invite all of them. Unless one of your DCs SDCs has tried to murder one of you at some point or some similarly extreme reason why you are estranged from them.

If any of my parents did that, I'd be fine with it. Unless they had a huge party and invited everyone except me. But a 2 witness wedding, or a wedding with a few nearby friends attending would be fine.

Having said that, one of the main reasons I'm not married is that I don't want a wedding, and DP's parents would be really upset if we got married without them, so it's less hassle to just stay unmarried.