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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL, a wedding, FB, it's like AIBU bingo in here...

172 replies

namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 16:56

Hmmmmm. I think IABU. So I suppse I'm hoping to find out and maybe think through a response...

Anyway.

SIL divorced two years ago and since then has had a few relationships with men in a way that makes it look as though she's really quite desperate to be married again. She gets very involved very quickly and always seems to be looking for the next person. She was engaged last year but that fell through. She's been very defensive about her choices and at Christmas stopped talking to DH (her brother) as she said I was judging her, this came after she had made some really horrible comments about DD who is 3 and she seemed to be trying to start an argument and was frustrated that she wasn't getting one. I wasn't judging her, I really don't judge anyone for what they do sexually but I was very pissed off about the things she said about DD. I can see that she's possibly depressed and that's maybe where it's coming from. The two of us have never really seen eye to eye but I've always tried to be pleasant and supportive, we had her to stay for a while after she and BIl split up and she was a fucking nightmare

Anyway.

We have just found out from DH's DB (so her other brother) that she is getting married to her boyfriend in about six weeks. DBIL and DSIL got an invitation of the 'PIL request the pleasure of your company...' kind. The wedding will be a good 600 miles away (although they live quite close to us) and I don't think we could realistically go. DH has just had surgery, we don't have the money to fly or hire a car, we don't drive, DD is a bit too young for a 9 hour car journey (and I am too old for a nine hour car journey with a 3 year old...). It's a week since DB told us and we've sort of been waiting for an invitation but none has arrived. Since then there have been FB messages of a cryptic kind (she likes a good cryptic FB message does SIL) liking wedding caterers etc. and a couple of congratulatory messages to her etc. But no actual announcements.

So it's dawning on us that we're not invited. Which is probably all good really as we couldn't go anyway but a bit weird as we thought the Christmas thing was all sorted out when she asked DH to go for coffee with her and apologised and SIL and BIL really don't get on so it's like she's invited the brother she hates and not the one she gets on with IYSWIM?

But the question is whether we should do something nice like send her a nice card and congratulations and be grown-up about it. OR whether we just keep on 'not knowing' and see how long it takes PIL and SIL to ACTUALLY LET DH KNOW HIS SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED?

DH says he doesn't want to play her silly FB game and we should just leave it as though we don't know. And I kind of agree because it's really interesting to watch the massive dramatics that tend to follow But OTOH maybe we should be grown ups...

AWBU to say nothing? WWYD?

OP posts:

TobyLerone · 22/08/2013 11:55

*she/the family can try to use it against the OP and her DH all they like.

Just to clarify.

ViviPru · 22/08/2013 11:56

That was my problem with my equivalent relations, Parsing. If we did nothing it was jumped on we were accused of being uncaring and rude. Batshit and unjustified of them yes, but in the quest for a quiet life, doing nothing did not always achieve the desired equilibrium.

Revengeofkarma · 22/08/2013 12:00

It isn't quite doing nothing - it is responding only to what you're told. If she tries to hold it against her on Boxing Day, it is a quick "you didn't tell us. Congratulations. We are very happy for you."

Never doing anything in a "I'm ignoring you! Lalala can't hear you!" manner will make it worse. That's passive aggressive and childish. So as said previously, if the bride tells her beforehand, a card and maybe a gift. If the bride invites, if at all possible go. And if the bride says nothing directly you do nothing.

Revengeofkarma · 22/08/2013 12:08

Vivi, that's when the reflecting comes in. "How could you not do X?" "You didn't tell us, so we didn't know." "But you should have known!" "How?" "Well you could have asked us?" "But how would we have known to ask? You didn't tell us." "Well you could have done Y" "I could have done lots of things. But if you wanted us to do something why didn't you ask?"

Because It Isn't About Your Behaviour. It is about theirs. Engaging in dialog about why it is yours just reinforces their poor behaviour.

ViviPru · 22/08/2013 12:11

You're absolutely right, karma. That's the right way of doing it. The adult, reasonable way.

With my Sil though you'd still get "but you KNEW! DB told you! You're obviously so wrapped up in your own lives and selfish you couldn't even acknowledge the Biggest Day of My Life." Etc etc ad infinitum, there'll be a massive scene, she'll play the victim, all of the facts will be forgotten and no amount of calm, reasoned explanation would pacify her the crazy bitch

ViviPru · 22/08/2013 12:12

Sorry, X post, karma. Actual lols at your hypothetical dialogue - I think I may actually have had that PRECISE conversation with my sil!

ViviPru · 22/08/2013 12:13

In fact I think that was the conversation I had with her the day I put the phone down on her forever, 4 years ago!

ViviPru · 22/08/2013 12:15

Although I think there was a liberal sprinkling of "But would you think of the children!" on her part though.

Revengeofkarma · 22/08/2013 12:20

It isn't easy to do (and stay calm, which is key) but it is incredibly effective. "It doesn't matter that DB told us. It was your wedding. We didn't want to do anything you didn't want. Since you didn't tell us, we didn't do anything." Around and around, reflect and reflect.

And if they do tell/ask, you must respond to reinforce the good behaviour. But nothing more than what was asked. Nothing less, either.

oldgrandmama · 22/08/2013 12:25

I concur with other posters who suggest saying nothing and seeing how it all pans out. Could be quite funny, in an awful sort of way! Do let us know the details!

Original poster

namechangesforthehardstuff · 22/08/2013 12:58

Thanks everyone. Lots of good stuff here. And I did actually LOL at 'Get down from the cross, Jesus needs the wood.'

Goon I feel like since you've clearly thought about the scenario and posted something different from everyone else I should respond to your posts. I think it must seem like I am laughing at her and being contemptuous of her behind her back, a 'witty cat with a stupid mouse'? Meh. Maybe.

But this happens a lot with SIL and PILs and we have stuff going on in our lives too - DH has just had back surgery and there's some other stuff happening too. So we decided a long time ago we couldn't change their behvaiour but we could change how we respond to it and try to take the emotion out of it. And DH has become very distanced from it all and I think that is healthy for him and for DD because we do have to think about when she's older and they pull this kind of shit with her. I want her to be able to say 'Hmmmmm. Again with the crazy from Aunty Batshit'. So I think laughing at it is the only sane and healthy response for us.

Plus everything I know about behaviour management (and that is what it feels like) would say 'do not give in to the desire for negative attention, by providing attention. All you will do is reinforce the behaviour.'

So I guess that's my POV. But I did say IABU in my OP and I do see your POV.

I think though if I told DH he had to call his sister and beg for an invitation to a wedding which is 600 miles away and go on his own (how? Who's carrying his case?) when his back hasn't recovered from the surgery and we are feeling the poverty he would probably give me a

OP posts:

Original poster

namechangesforthehardstuff · 22/08/2013 13:14

And do.just llet it all out Vivipru

OP posts:

MrsHoratioNelson · 22/08/2013 13:24

OP you're great and very balanced. You can come to my third wedding, I will tell you about it all in the open, like, and you will then know and have to endure 18 months of me prattling on about whether the napkins match the bridesmaids' knickers.

Count yourself lucky; this could have been so much worse if you'd actually had to engage in the ore-wedding excitement :)

ViviPru · 22/08/2013 13:30

Thanks OP

MrsHoratioNelson · 22/08/2013 13:33

Oh, and I meant to ask, where do you get your sour grapes and brimstone? I might serve that next time MIL comes for dinner.

onetiredmummy · 22/08/2013 13:35

If you're worried about repercussions on Boxing Day, then don't go. Have Boxing Day at home instead :)

Original poster

namechangesforthehardstuff · 22/08/2013 13:43

www.AIBUMILsupplies.co.uk

OP posts:

Original poster

namechangesforthehardstuff · 22/08/2013 13:45

Boxing Day at home... Wow. But who would eat the processed pig products? Although I don't eat pork anyway hence the processed pig products

OP posts:

Original poster

namechangesforthehardstuff · 22/08/2013 13:47

I would love to come to your wedding MrsHoratioNelson.

OP posts:

MrsHoratioNelson · 22/08/2013 17:52

I was hoping for cash gifts. I had a poem all ready and everything

DustBunnyFarmer · 22/08/2013 18:30

I've lurking but this thread reminds me of parenting advice: every good tantrum needs an audience. Deprive this wholly unnecessary drama of your attention and she'll give up trying to create it with you soon enough.

goonIcantakeit · 23/08/2013 09:48

Hi OP, thanks for your post.

I was a bit unfair on you. You're only thinking about these things on mumsnet, you aren't doing these things in real life. The whole point of the forum is to get stuff out of your system online so you don't do it in real life and that's what you're doing. Plus this is AIBU not relationships. The thread has got a bit nicer as it's gone on and people have started acknowledging that brother-sister is a big deal in relationship terms.

She does sound depressed. Can you tell us what she said about your dd? I think that jealousy is a very ugly emotion and often comes with depression -was that behind her nastiness?

I don't think she'll be capable of damaging dd. aunt-niece just isn't intense enough a relationship for that. More likely dd will laugh at batty auntie.

Can you treat this as a chance to educate dd as she gets older? I have a nasty neighbour who tries to involve my children in his issues. dh and I have made peace with this by thinking of how to explain to ds how to model good responses for him. We find his child's eye view helps us behave well.......so in your case, you want to feel comfortable when dd asks "why don't we see auntie b if she is daddy's sister? It needs to be an answer you're proud of - does that make sense?

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