SIL, a wedding, FB, it's like AIBU bingo in here...

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

Hmmmmm. I think IABU. So I suppse I'm hoping to find out and maybe think through a response...

Anyway.

SIL divorced two years ago and since then has had a few relationships with men in a way that makes it look as though she's really quite desperate to be married again. She gets very involved very quickly and always seems to be looking for the next person. She was engaged last year but that fell through. She's been very defensive about her choices and at Christmas stopped talking to DH (her brother) as she said I was judging her, this came after she had made some really horrible comments about DD who is 3 and she seemed to be trying to start an argument and was frustrated that she wasn't getting one. I wasn't judging her, I really don't judge anyone for what they do sexually but I was very pissed off about the things she said about DD. I can see that she's possibly depressed and that's maybe where it's coming from. The two of us have never really seen eye to eye but I've always tried to be pleasant and supportive, we had her to stay for a while after she and BIl split up and she was a fucking nightmare

Anyway.

We have just found out from DH's DB (so her other brother) that she is getting married to her boyfriend in about six weeks. DBIL and DSIL got an invitation of the 'PIL request the pleasure of your company...' kind. The wedding will be a good 600 miles away (although they live quite close to us) and I don't think we could realistically go. DH has just had surgery, we don't have the money to fly or hire a car, we don't drive, DD is a bit too young for a 9 hour car journey (and I am too old for a nine hour car journey with a 3 year old...). It's a week since DB told us and we've sort of been waiting for an invitation but none has arrived. Since then there have been FB messages of a cryptic kind (she likes a good cryptic FB message does SIL) liking wedding caterers etc. and a couple of congratulatory messages to her etc. But no actual announcements.

So it's dawning on us that we're not invited. Which is probably all good really as we couldn't go anyway but a bit weird as we thought the Christmas thing was all sorted out when she asked DH to go for coffee with her and apologised and SIL and BIL really don't get on so it's like she's invited the brother she hates and not the one she gets on with IYSWIM?

But the question is whether we should do something nice like send her a nice card and congratulations and be grown-up about it. OR whether we just keep on 'not knowing' and see how long it takes PIL and SIL to ACTUALLY LET DH KNOW HIS SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED?

DH says he doesn't want to play her silly FB game and we should just leave it as though we don't know. And I kind of agree because it's really interesting to watch the massive dramatics that tend to follow But OTOH maybe we should be grown ups...

AWBU to say nothing? WWYD?

[Revengeofkarma]

We had a girl like this in our sports club. Oh, the drama. Oh the attempted manipulation. Oh the bad relationships and insecurity. Two friends, who I fixed up, had her go to town to try to drive a wedge between them and me. When they split up, I had lunch with them on consecutive days. Quite unbidden they each said to me "man, you were right. I swear the Poisoned Dwarf is the actual reason we split up. I am so sorry, can you forgive me?" Of course I could.

The more isolated this chick got (because more people got fed up with the drama) the more she tried to blame me. Eventually it became a critical mass of "PD is crayyyyyyzeeeeeee, and Karma is, actually she's awesome!" It hit a point that her hatred of me made people want to be my friend. Which was also crazy, but there you go.

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

Ah Karma, now I have an anthem

[pianodoodle]

Definitely ignore ignore she will be raging that you don't care and eventually will have a blow up and make an arse of herself.

[Mia4]

Is the wedding soon OP? Honestly, I'd just ignore or hide her posts or if I was feeling in the need to show I have my own life and the wedding was near I'd ask a good friend to publically invite me and DH to a lovely weekend away with them that same weekend thus making it clear I've made plans because I'm nonethewiser. But then your Dsis could use that to her advantage tbh, most manipulators and attention seekers can.

Or I'd cut her out my life, she sounds like a toxic idiot anyway. Do you actually gain anything from including her in it? Just ignore her, like forever. And limit her on fb so you don't see her life at all.

[daisychain01]

Hey c'mon namechanges you're in it for the long-haul now, you cant take the milk out the cappuchino! Dont worry, you'll soon get into the swing, and if you start flagging just come back on here and join the party . We'll all be swinging at 3 in the morning ha!

But I know it must be a frustrating pile of crap for you in your RL, so try not to let it drag you down.

[daisychain01]

Despite my joshing, karma your advice is spot-on!

[MintyChops]

Karma is right < hearty handshake>.

But please let us know if she launches some sort of preemptive counter-strike....

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

Will keep you updated. Would like more poetry though.

I showed DH the thread. Now he's all 'it's amazing how people can be so.insightful given just the bare bones of it all...' See people, you're amazing, and insightful.

Have some and some

Night night.

[SaggyOldClothCatPuss]

I would take the bait. Send hurt little fb messages dropping subtle hints...
Then turn up at the wedding and burst into the church at the "does anyone know of a just impediment" moment and yell "YES! The groom is already married to ME!"

[Revengeofkarma]

My advice ain't nothing more than the voice of experience. Multiple, considerable, bitter experience. And the mantra "don't accept blame for someone else's poor behaviour"

[DanicaJones]

Not read the whole thread, but if you send a card now isn't there a risk that she might soften and send you an invitation, which you don't want to happen. Unless your dh would be hurt about not having one. I'd send one nearer the time to make her feel guilty. The family do sound hard work.

[MidniteScribbler]

I'd post a new status on facebook:

"Just managed to get an awesome deal for a weekend away on the at ! So excited!! The manager said that there's a wedding booked that weekend, but not to worry because the bride a bit of a nutter and he doesn't think the relationship will even survive until the wedding so we should have the place to ourselves!

But yes, Karma is wise. Listen to her, not me.

[SaggyOldClothCatPuss]

Oooh! Do ^^ that!

[DanicaJones]

You'll probably get invited to her next wedding as it'll probably be a different sibling being excluded by then.

[LadyHarrietdeSpook]

I haven't read the whole thread. But I recommend posting on FB that you are renewing your vows on X date (her wedding), in some exotic, marvelous location, and let all of us come on and 'like' it. "Just booked our tickets namechanges! See you there!"

[Retroformica]

I think you should proceed as though you officially know. I expect that she knew DB might mention if to you.

I'd send a card post wedding and be really adult about it. Wishing them both a wonderful future together.

I recon she was awful before because she was just jealous.

[Twattybollocks]

Next time you see a cryptic message on fb, comment "oh, are you getting married?" She will have to reply yes, otherwise she will look a bit miss haversham for looking at wedding stuff when she's not even getting married. Then you can ask when the big day is, and all her friends will know you aren't invited and think she's a right cow for not inviting your Dh. If you really want to piss her off, then make sure you add that you are busy that day anyway, but you hope she has a lovely day!
By doing it all on fb you will embarrass her because she hasn't invited you and now everyone knows, you humiliate her by showing that she isn't important enough for you to rearrange your plans to come, and you are being the bigger person by hoping she has a lovely day.

[LookingThroughTheFog]

I have six weeks of FB updates, texts and other flouncing to endure. I am not sure whether that sounds entertaining or wearing...

Given your style of writing, I'd go with entertaining. Certainly entertaining for me, anyhow...

[Revengeofkarma]

By the way, doing nothing extends to the PIL as well, who are totally complicit in this. A) because anything you do via them gives her what she wants, and B) they'll intervene directly before she does. And when they do you simply, politely, clearly, with no cryptic ness, no passive aggressiveness, but the ball back in her court.

"But you knew about the wedding!"
"SIL didn't invite us, so we respected her wishes."

You need to practice this in advance because it is really easy to fall into the trap of "well she didn't invite us, so we thought, we didn't think, we guessed, we grasped at straws to come up with this plan." As soon as you bring your second guessing what to do in this intentional vacuum she's created, you're sunk. But make your statements all about her, like above and it will start to get through.

And then vent or fantasise or whatever you need on here because man, it is a tough line to hold (as Christmas has already shown you). But still, highly effective and worth it.

[bombussy]

she won't be able to control herself if you do nothing in response

It could be quite funny to observe her attempts to draw your attention to her 'secret' wedding

It would also make an excellent thread!

[Whocansay]

You'll probably get invited the week before and be expected to drop everything to go. Then when you say no to her ridiculous request, she'll have a hissy fit about you not be able to go to the wedding.

I'd calmly check with PIL and pre-empt any further nonsense.

Am loving the 'saving gift for her next wedding' approach though!

[goonIcantakeit]

So no-one thinks a brother should attempt to bury the hatchet with his sister in the run up to her wedding day? The OP has clearly managed to control this narrative very well. If I was her sister in law I'd be bloody terrified of her.

Trying to outwit an annoying neighbour, work colleague or ex-in-law etc, is all great. But a brother-sister relationship is more important and you shouldn't be playing games (which is what you are doing). You are trying to work out how best to upset someone on their wedding day and that person is your husband's sister. The only way not to lose is not to play, so what you ought to do is behave well, rather than behaving like a cat playing with a mouse.

Your husband will never look back and say "if only we had sent a funnier telegram/facebook post". He will however look back one day and think about his relationship with his sister. Your relationship with his sister isn't important but his relationship with his sister is, and if you love him your job is to facilitate it. He should call her. How will his parents feel if he isn't at the wedding?

My SIL was once a total bitch to me but I don't consider my husband's relationship with her to be optional. I also have a mother with mental health conditions that make her act very very cruelly and badly, but I don't consider my relationship with her, or my children's relationships with her, to be optional.