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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL, a wedding, FB, it's like AIBU bingo in here...

172 replies

namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 16:56

Hmmmmm. I think IABU. So I suppse I'm hoping to find out and maybe think through a response...

Anyway.

SIL divorced two years ago and since then has had a few relationships with men in a way that makes it look as though she's really quite desperate to be married again. She gets very involved very quickly and always seems to be looking for the next person. She was engaged last year but that fell through. She's been very defensive about her choices and at Christmas stopped talking to DH (her brother) as she said I was judging her, this came after she had made some really horrible comments about DD who is 3 and she seemed to be trying to start an argument and was frustrated that she wasn't getting one. I wasn't judging her, I really don't judge anyone for what they do sexually but I was very pissed off about the things she said about DD. I can see that she's possibly depressed and that's maybe where it's coming from. The two of us have never really seen eye to eye but I've always tried to be pleasant and supportive, we had her to stay for a while after she and BIl split up and she was a fucking nightmare

Anyway.

We have just found out from DH's DB (so her other brother) that she is getting married to her boyfriend in about six weeks. DBIL and DSIL got an invitation of the 'PIL request the pleasure of your company...' kind. The wedding will be a good 600 miles away (although they live quite close to us) and I don't think we could realistically go. DH has just had surgery, we don't have the money to fly or hire a car, we don't drive, DD is a bit too young for a 9 hour car journey (and I am too old for a nine hour car journey with a 3 year old...). It's a week since DB told us and we've sort of been waiting for an invitation but none has arrived. Since then there have been FB messages of a cryptic kind (she likes a good cryptic FB message does SIL) liking wedding caterers etc. and a couple of congratulatory messages to her etc. But no actual announcements.

So it's dawning on us that we're not invited. Which is probably all good really as we couldn't go anyway but a bit weird as we thought the Christmas thing was all sorted out when she asked DH to go for coffee with her and apologised and SIL and BIL really don't get on so it's like she's invited the brother she hates and not the one she gets on with IYSWIM?

But the question is whether we should do something nice like send her a nice card and congratulations and be grown-up about it. OR whether we just keep on 'not knowing' and see how long it takes PIL and SIL to ACTUALLY LET DH KNOW HIS SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED?

DH says he doesn't want to play her silly FB game and we should just leave it as though we don't know. And I kind of agree because it's really interesting to watch the massive dramatics that tend to follow But OTOH maybe we should be grown ups...

AWBU to say nothing? WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 17:41

It was impossible to know what was the best action that wasn't going to draw you into their games, yet not compromise your integrity.

yes, this...

I am in the bloody game aren't I?

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 21/08/2013 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 21/08/2013 17:42

If she's deliberately not inviting or telling you for attention (which is what it sounds like), I'd ignore it.

Watch as she bursts with frustration. Grin

Do keep us up to date. [shameless]

lunar1 · 21/08/2013 17:43

I'd ignore it, I'm sure you will be invited to her next one.

Original poster
namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 17:44

Sorry yes cucumber was a thread I posted about PILs a couple of weeks ago when they turned up at lunchtime, having been invited in the afternoon to see their son after he had had major surgery and all they brought was a cucumber.

MN had some interesting ideas about what I could do with the cucumber..

OP posts:
DontActuallyLikePrunes · 21/08/2013 17:44

I think (to be half serious for a moment) that situations like this are the devil's work.
She's got to you. She knew it would get to you! Even if you don't care that much or want to go to the wedding, she's done what she achieved.
Aargh!
I hate things like this and really don't ever know what to do or how to switch off from thinking about it.

Original poster
namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 17:45

lunar1 fnar [laughing although I know I shouldn't be emoticon thingie]

OP posts:
ViviPru · 21/08/2013 17:45

If your not invited and not supposed to know, do nothing.

But they do know, via a source accessble to the SIL (i.e. she will know they know)

With these people, if they know you know something, and yet you pretend you do not, they take the moral high ground and it gives them ammunition.

We found out about the birth of my DN via social media during a period of strained relations with my DB and SIL. I took the tack of "well they haven't told us themselves - so I'll pretend I don't know" but this approach just stoked their flames. (I may add they weren't just busy with a newborn thus announcing over FB, they were actively excluding us as the OP is being excluded here)

Squitten · 21/08/2013 17:47

If you haven't been told about it, then act like it and ignore the whole thing. Why would you pander to it?

Your BIL who has been invited has very likely told them that you now know about it so your nasty SIL is probably gleefully waiting for you to kick off so she can be Poor Bride and you can be Psycho Bitch. It will drive her MAD to get response at all!

ViviPru · 21/08/2013 17:47

I am in the bloody game aren't I?

Yes - I wish I knew the solution, the only way I could extricate myself from the game was to end all contact Sad

TobyLerone · 21/08/2013 17:48

I wouldn't send her anything. Then if she says anything, claim you didn't know.

What a knob she is.

TobyLerone · 21/08/2013 17:49

Ah, I see. That's been suggested already.

I'd still do that because I wouldn't care whether she knew that I really knew or not. And I wouldn't care if she never spoke to me again. After all, she hasn't invited her own brother to her wedding. It's unlikely that she values the relationship that much.

Blueandwhitelover · 21/08/2013 17:50

Can you book a weekend away for your family- for DH to look forward to after his surgery? That way you have a reason for not going (she didn't bother to tell you) and she will know that you have put your weekend above hers but you will be in the right.

BalloonSlayer · 21/08/2013 17:52

You could post a FB status about how delighted you are to be going to FriendInOnTheJoke's wedding in Somewhere Incredibly Glamourous and Expensive next Whenever SIL is Getting Married, and that DD is sooooo excited about being a bridesmaid.

Actually scrap the bridesmaid bit, DD might find out and think it's for real.

LucySnoweShouldRelax · 21/08/2013 17:52

See, I would have thought, to a truly skilled drama queen, a card could be seen as fuel to a toasty dramatic fire.

"They've sent a card. How passive aggressive. It must be passive aggressive, because they MUST be devastated by not being invited to my wedding. How desperate, I didn't even say anything to them"

Silence, in this respect, could be your safest option from unwanted melodramatics.

ViviPru · 21/08/2013 17:53

good point Tobes.

It seems as though the relationship is unsalvageable anyway.

Tell you what, I'd have been completely blindsided had I received a card from my DB and SiL for our wedding. It'd have freaked me RIGHT out. Although we have had no contact for about 4 years, so slightly different circs.

CaptainSweatPants · 21/08/2013 17:56

Your poor Dh

Not invited to his sisters wedding

I'd get him to ring & ask why, I'd feel terribly sad & try to mend things otherwise it would upset me

Sparrowlegs248 · 21/08/2013 18:00

Ignore, and if she brings it up at any stage, casually say 'oh yes, bil did mention your wedding but being as you hadn't told us yourself/invited us we assumed we weren't supposed to know. .......because if you HAD wanted us to know, you would have mentioned it wouldn't you?'

growingbytheday · 21/08/2013 18:02

I would send a nice card-but wait til quite close to the wedding in case it guilt trips her into inviting you Wink

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 21/08/2013 18:04

Notta, that's good.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 21/08/2013 18:06

I would keep quiet and pretend you don't know.

ajandjjmum · 21/08/2013 18:09

I think a FB question 'Anyone know where you can buy 'Congratulations on your 3rd Wedding' cards?' Not that I would be so nasty, of course! Grin

Love BalloonSlayer's suggestion.

goonIcantakeit · 21/08/2013 18:11

I admit this is a witty thread.

But if my sister in law had decided not to invite her own brother to her wedding because of ME, I would be absolutely bloody mortified.

I'd get your husband to go alone to the wedding
(or at least offer to, perhaps via other brother). It's his sister. He should be there. If he isn't there, it's something that will sadden him in the future. He doesn't need to play games - he can call her and say, "I'm glad you're getting married, I'm glad you're happy, I'd like to be there, just me, is that ok?". Meanwhile, you can relax at home with your daughter and avoid the long journey.

I come from a family that would fall within, shall we say, the lower percentiles as families go, but none of us would dream of not going to a sibling's wedding. It might break this woman's heart for your husband not to be there.

DontmindifIdo · 21/08/2013 18:13

No no no! Don't call, that's what she wants you to do, she wants you to get in touch and ask if you are invited, because that will show you care about being excluded. In her mind, she'll have been generous when she then invites you. Showing no interest or contacting her before hand will wind her up, because you should be upset at the lack of invite, so why aren't you raging? Calling up and asking about it? why aren't you being dramatic?

What I would do, go old school - send a telegram to be read out at the reception wishing them a long and happy marriage. That's not being angry about lack of invite, that says "we knew, but didn't mind we weren't invited, your weddig wasn't worth getting upset about." And she'll have other people saying "oh, that's nice of your brother, why's he not here?"

DontmindifIdo · 21/08/2013 18:15

GoonIcantakeit - but if she wanted just her DB there, then surely she'd invite him? Or at least have told him she was getting married...