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AIBU?

SIL, a wedding, FB, it's like AIBU bingo in here...

172 replies

namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 16:56

Hmmmmm. I think IABU. So I suppse I'm hoping to find out and maybe think through a response...

Anyway.

SIL divorced two years ago and since then has had a few relationships with men in a way that makes it look as though she's really quite desperate to be married again. She gets very involved very quickly and always seems to be looking for the next person. She was engaged last year but that fell through. She's been very defensive about her choices and at Christmas stopped talking to DH (her brother) as she said I was judging her, this came after she had made some really horrible comments about DD who is 3 and she seemed to be trying to start an argument and was frustrated that she wasn't getting one. I wasn't judging her, I really don't judge anyone for what they do sexually but I was very pissed off about the things she said about DD. I can see that she's possibly depressed and that's maybe where it's coming from. The two of us have never really seen eye to eye but I've always tried to be pleasant and supportive, we had her to stay for a while after she and BIl split up and she was a fucking nightmare

Anyway.

We have just found out from DH's DB (so her other brother) that she is getting married to her boyfriend in about six weeks. DBIL and DSIL got an invitation of the 'PIL request the pleasure of your company...' kind. The wedding will be a good 600 miles away (although they live quite close to us) and I don't think we could realistically go. DH has just had surgery, we don't have the money to fly or hire a car, we don't drive, DD is a bit too young for a 9 hour car journey (and I am too old for a nine hour car journey with a 3 year old...). It's a week since DB told us and we've sort of been waiting for an invitation but none has arrived. Since then there have been FB messages of a cryptic kind (she likes a good cryptic FB message does SIL) liking wedding caterers etc. and a couple of congratulatory messages to her etc. But no actual announcements.

So it's dawning on us that we're not invited. Which is probably all good really as we couldn't go anyway but a bit weird as we thought the Christmas thing was all sorted out when she asked DH to go for coffee with her and apologised and SIL and BIL really don't get on so it's like she's invited the brother she hates and not the one she gets on with IYSWIM?

But the question is whether we should do something nice like send her a nice card and congratulations and be grown-up about it. OR whether we just keep on 'not knowing' and see how long it takes PIL and SIL to ACTUALLY LET DH KNOW HIS SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED?

DH says he doesn't want to play her silly FB game and we should just leave it as though we don't know. And I kind of agree because it's really interesting to watch the massive dramatics that tend to follow But OTOH maybe we should be grown ups...

AWBU to say nothing? WWYD?

OP posts:
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TobyLerone · 22/08/2013 09:48

He won't be at the wedding because he hasn't been invited. I can't see how this is anyone's fault but the bride's.

Definitely don't agree that they should do PA FB posts or telegrams. But it's just a wedding. If the DH's relationship with his sister is worth salvaging, the wedding won't really matter in the big scheme of things. There are clearly bigger problems afoot.

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Inertia · 22/08/2013 09:53

Goon it's not the OP's job to facilitate her husband's relationship with his own sister ! If the sister wants him there she needs to start off by telling him that it's happening ! Same goes for his parents - they are obviously not that bothered about their son going to their daughter's wedding , because they'd have mentioned it.

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goonIcantakeit · 22/08/2013 09:54

" it's just a wedding. If the DH's relationship with his sister is worth salvaging, the wedding won't really matter in the big scheme of things. There are clearly bigger problems afoot."

fair point. What the OP wants to do though, and what people are encouraging her to do, is to reduce the chances of her DH patching things up with his sister by reacting to the whole wedding silliness thing. Of course he should go to the bloody wedding. He's her brother. he has the right to call her and say "what's up?". He isn't someone on the school run who needs to wait for an invite to a 40th birthday party. They've always been close, apparently.

He should be there for his sister, either physically or, if she bawls him out, emotionally. Some people are hard to help but sometimes they are our next of kin so we have to help them anyway.

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goonIcantakeit · 22/08/2013 09:56

"they are obviously not that bothered about their son going to their daughter's wedding , because they'd have mentioned it."

oh don't be silly. all parents are bothered by such things. Knowing how to fix them is something different.

And yes, the OP has a duty to think about her husband's relationship with his sister because she is part of an extended family and the sister is his close kin.

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goonIcantakeit · 22/08/2013 09:58

or, even if it's not her job to facilitate the relationship, it's her job not to behave like an oh so witty cat with a stupid mouse that doesn't know how to fix this.

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ParsingFancy · 22/08/2013 09:59

"And thought telegram was really good and let us say 'we're pleased for you even if you hate us' but actually what if it gets read out and she goes all Bridezilla swooning/ranting/crying/shouting 'I HAVE no brother'?"

And the bad is?

I'd been going to suggest a card or wedding present delivered on the day, but telegram is inspired. Zero reaction other than that, of course.

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Revengeofkarma · 22/08/2013 10:00

His relationship with his sister is not only optional, it is the SIL who treats it as such. She behaved badly (and rightfully apologised) , SHE hasn't invited him to her wedding, SHE has got her brothers and parents involved against him, and SHE is creating all the drama.

If you think that's fine and dandy and should be not only tolerated but encouraged then no wonder you would be terrified of someone who just said "no."

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MidniteScribbler · 22/08/2013 10:03

Of course he should go to the bloody wedding

He hasn't been invited!

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goonIcantakeit · 22/08/2013 10:03

I didn't say anything about SIL's behaviour being fine and dandy......

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ParsingFancy · 22/08/2013 10:08

She is already behaving like she has no brother.

Particularly pointed to invite the brother she can't stand but not the one who took her in when she was divorced.

goon, only the SIL can fix this. OP doesn't sound like the type to hold grudges if SIL changed her attitude, so it all rests on SIL...

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redexpat · 22/08/2013 10:15

Slightly off topic I love the idea of AIBU bingo.

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DumSpiroSpero · 22/08/2013 10:19

Tbh I think the best way to take the wind out of her sails would be to confront her head on.

I'd suggest that your DH phones her with "I hear you're getting hitched sis - I think our invitation must have been lost in the post..."

She's then forced to explain herself or do some mammoth backtracking, and event if you do get an invitation and don't want to go, you have the perfect excuse if your DH had just had surgery.

She can't bad mouth you, you don't have to go and it's not hanging over everyone for the next six weeks.

I can see why the 'ignore it' option has come up so much but personally I just couldn't be arsed to let it drag on for that long.

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Revengeofkarma · 22/08/2013 10:22

And no, nothing on the wedding day. Passive aggressive in the extreme, and the behaviour only gets worse. But if she calls and tells you about the wedding, then "oh that's very nice" and a card (maybe gift) are appropriate. If she directly invites you, then I'm afraid that yes, you do have to go, and smile and be polite. But if she doesn't tell you directly, then you don't know.

It is in effect doing what she says (or doesn't say) rather than doing what she secretly wants.

My mother tries this all the time. Actual conversation - "But you have never visited me at the new house!" "That's because not only have we never been invited, but you said twelve years ago 'I don't care where you go, just don't come back here.'" "So I guess I'm just a bad mother?" "Have you ever heard me say that?" "Um, no."

She's a terrible mother. But you will never, ever hear me say to her or a relative that she is because it is just ammo. But you will hear me reflect back to her the statements she has made. It has really, truly cut down on the drama levels like you wouldn't believe. Because it is now solely about what she says and does rather than endless berating about why I did or didn't do X,Y or Z because I just "should have known!"

I confess it did hit a point though where after the third "I guess I'm just a bad mother!" (Her only response initially when her behaviour was reflected) in one I lunch I did say "it's time to get down from the cross, Mum. Jesus needs the wood." Shouldn't have said it. It's the thought that counts after all. But it did feel good. Set the cause back a few months though, mind.

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TobyLerone · 22/08/2013 10:22

The dignified thing to do is not to do a PA telephone call, FB message, card, present, telegram or carrier pigeon.

But this is MN, and as such, people get carried away and forget about that.

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BlehPukeVomit · 22/08/2013 10:32

Any thoughts to be passive agressive are pointless. You should 'do nothing' not because it would get to your evil bitch SIL but because it is the best thing to do for yourself.

Don't stop your DH doing what he thinks best but you should step back and try not to care

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Mosschopz · 22/08/2013 10:34

Card, with a poem Grin at Hermione

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fruitpastille · 22/08/2013 10:50

All the suggestions are v entertaining, however if it was actually my family I would try to diffuse it. Dh should ring his sister and say "Hey, db tells me you're getting hitched, congratulations! Have yiu set a date? I'd love to come if you would like me there but I know we haven't seen eye to eye lately so whatever you feel comfortable with is fine. Hope you have a brilkiant day whatever." In fact this might be easier sent in writing, either email or a non wedding nice card.

Apols for rubbish tablet typing!

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Revengeofkarma · 22/08/2013 11:05

What bleh said is key. None of this should be about getting to her. That would make you even worse than she is. This is about making the situation better for everyone, particularly yourself, mostly by looking at the bigger picture instead of getting caught up (as SIL intends) in the who said what to who when of it all.

What's more, if you ignore her with the spirit of "it'll get to her, take that cow!" it'll fail. Guaranteed. Your subconscious will disappoint you and let you down and you'll get drawn even deeper into her mess.

It is normal to want to meet her petty comment for petty comment. Totally normal. But do it here out of her sight. You'll be far better off.

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TobyLerone · 22/08/2013 11:24

He should absolutely not beg for an invitation. That is just asking to create even more drama.

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Revengeofkarma · 22/08/2013 11:31

SIL is totally counting on someone to ask her directly or indirectly (via parents or brother) for an invite so that she can say no. Or even say yes and pull the power "haha! Made you crawl!" move. Or any other motivations, which are pointless to guess at, since those goalposts are intentionally nebulous. And as long as she's got you guessing, she's got all the power and control here. So you don't guess. You have the information, or lack thereof from her. And that's what you go on. No need, however she tries, to add any moving parts to it.

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nauticant · 22/08/2013 11:32

Just leave it until shortly before the wedding and then send a nice card with a pleasant message in it.

Not too early because this might trigger an invitation/gameplaying.

Do this if your DH is happy with this approach.

No lies, no disingenuousness, no passive aggression.

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TobyLerone · 22/08/2013 11:33

Absolutely, Revenge. It's the only way. You know nothing unless you hear it from her. Nobody could say that it's unreasonable to expect a personal invitation from the bride, especially when the bride is your sister.

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ParsingFancy · 22/08/2013 11:48

Problem is, OP feels doing absolutely nothing is also passive aggressive. And will be used against her, particularly if they all meet on Boxing Day.

A non-sarky "Congratulations, we're happy for you" - as long as it's not before the day and can't be mistaken for angling for an invite - mops that up nicely. It's the equivalent of karma's "Have you ever heard me say you were a bad mother?" that deflates that strop before it gets a head of steam.

Otherwise OP and DH can be accused of pettiness and sulking because they didn't received a personal invitation from the bride.

(I'm assuming SIL wouldn't really throw a public wobbly at receiving a card/telegram/whatever, although perhaps I'm wrong...)

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Revengeofkarma · 22/08/2013 11:54

Not just unreasonable but downright mandatory. If it was a non-relation, there's a million and one reasons (numbers, elope, dislike) that you might not be invited to a wedding, and then this discussion would seem like the OP was loopy for contemplating all this. But because she was unlucky enough to marry the sane one in a crazy family it turns into a reality show of nuttiness. (I'm not blaming the OP for wondering, just pointing out the absurdness of how a broken condom forty years ago turns what shouldn't be an issue into Peggy Mitchell running around Eastenders screaming about "My Faaaaaaambly!" Happens all the time to everyone, including self.)

Today is my wedding anniversary. Some people weren't invited, some invited people couldn't come. None of it had any bearing on the wedding itself, and if it had maybe we shouldn't have gotten hitched.

Hopefully this will all establish itself into healthier behaviour by SIL's next wedding. Which OP also shouldn't attend, but just because by the time you're on your fourth wedding it really needs to be the couple, an officiant, and the legal minimum of witnesses, preferably hauled off the street.

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TobyLerone · 22/08/2013 11:55

The OP and her husband are not in the wrong, however the SIL tries to swing it. So they can try to use it against them all they like, but it doesn't matter.

When the OP is 'officially' told by the bride (even if via FB wedding photos), then a 'congratulations' card would be appropriate if she and her DH think it's what they want to do.

It is in no way unreasonable not to go to or send a gift to a wedding to which you have neither been officially informed nor invited.

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