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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL, a wedding, FB, it's like AIBU bingo in here...

172 replies

namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 16:56

Hmmmmm. I think IABU. So I suppse I'm hoping to find out and maybe think through a response...

Anyway.

SIL divorced two years ago and since then has had a few relationships with men in a way that makes it look as though she's really quite desperate to be married again. She gets very involved very quickly and always seems to be looking for the next person. She was engaged last year but that fell through. She's been very defensive about her choices and at Christmas stopped talking to DH (her brother) as she said I was judging her, this came after she had made some really horrible comments about DD who is 3 and she seemed to be trying to start an argument and was frustrated that she wasn't getting one. I wasn't judging her, I really don't judge anyone for what they do sexually but I was very pissed off about the things she said about DD. I can see that she's possibly depressed and that's maybe where it's coming from. The two of us have never really seen eye to eye but I've always tried to be pleasant and supportive, we had her to stay for a while after she and BIl split up and she was a fucking nightmare

Anyway.

We have just found out from DH's DB (so her other brother) that she is getting married to her boyfriend in about six weeks. DBIL and DSIL got an invitation of the 'PIL request the pleasure of your company...' kind. The wedding will be a good 600 miles away (although they live quite close to us) and I don't think we could realistically go. DH has just had surgery, we don't have the money to fly or hire a car, we don't drive, DD is a bit too young for a 9 hour car journey (and I am too old for a nine hour car journey with a 3 year old...). It's a week since DB told us and we've sort of been waiting for an invitation but none has arrived. Since then there have been FB messages of a cryptic kind (she likes a good cryptic FB message does SIL) liking wedding caterers etc. and a couple of congratulatory messages to her etc. But no actual announcements.

So it's dawning on us that we're not invited. Which is probably all good really as we couldn't go anyway but a bit weird as we thought the Christmas thing was all sorted out when she asked DH to go for coffee with her and apologised and SIL and BIL really don't get on so it's like she's invited the brother she hates and not the one she gets on with IYSWIM?

But the question is whether we should do something nice like send her a nice card and congratulations and be grown-up about it. OR whether we just keep on 'not knowing' and see how long it takes PIL and SIL to ACTUALLY LET DH KNOW HIS SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED?

DH says he doesn't want to play her silly FB game and we should just leave it as though we don't know. And I kind of agree because it's really interesting to watch the massive dramatics that tend to follow But OTOH maybe we should be grown ups...

AWBU to say nothing? WWYD?

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 21/08/2013 18:16

oh and OP - she might think you've not realised that she's getting married (esp if other brother doesn't tell her he's told you) so be prepared for the FB stuff to get more explicit just in case you haven't realised.

ViviPru · 21/08/2013 18:18

It might break this woman's heart for your husband not to be there.

Come again? Hmm

Notta has it bang on. I wish you'd been around when shit hit fan with my toxic sibling.

ENormaSnob · 21/08/2013 18:19

Laughing at goonicantakeits response.

Did you miss that its her third wedding. And she hasnt invited her brother.

I would ignore cos i really wouldnt give a shit that i wasnt invited. Nor would i give a shit if she never spoke to me again.

cricketballs · 21/08/2013 18:19

do people actually formally invite their siblings? My Dsis and I never formally invited each other to our weddings - we knew what was happening, when things were happening etc and never for a moment would I have even thought to have a formal invitation! cousins etc yes, but not your siblings!

MammaTJ · 21/08/2013 18:23

This includes being happily married, loving our daughter, not letting casual racism, sexism and homophobia go, me saying what I think despite being a woman, DH ironing his own shirts

You horrors, you!! No wonder they are disowning you. Wink

Original poster
namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 18:24

Yes I think I would have felt 'poor DH' a couple of years ago but we have learned not to expect too much from his family and he gets on so well with DBIL and DSIL (and hopefully with new DN who we are meeting this weekend! - she's v new Smile) and with my DPs so he's genuinely learned to be amused and bemused by it.

And DBIL will NOT be in contact with SIL, there is no chance of them speaking in the interim, they DO NOT GET ON. So she won't know we know...

BUT...

LucySnowe has a good point about how she might interpret a card. And if the card itself is just a missile in the war that is her life I don't think we can do anything but nothing. But that does feel passive aggressive. ARGGGGHHHHHHH!

OP posts:
ViviPru · 21/08/2013 18:27

OP If she's anything like my SiL you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. She'll find something to get the arse over regardless, so just do whatever feels most natural and easy for you (although I totally sympathise - it's often impossible to fathom what even that is when it comes to these people)

Original poster
namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 18:31

OOOh sorry - hadn't refreshed page and didn't see some responses.

Thing is if she says 'I thought BIL would have told you' don't we automatically just say 'Well maybe you should have mentioned it'? Plus DBIL has a big embossed card with curly writing and everything. He showed it to us on Skype Grin

And yy I didn't invite any of my family to my wedding they just turned up Grin but DH's family are NOT like that, it's all 'Why didn't your brother send me a Mother's Day card?' and 'I didn't get a brithday card from so and so and now I am never speaking to them again for ever and ever and I shall dance on their grave at the end of time BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN INSULTED SIRRAH!' so it's not that, we're definitely being left out on opurpose to make a big point. Am a bit puzzled about what point could be...

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 18:35

And Vivipru that's about the long and short of it ain't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 18:38

See FB is an interesting one too - I'm not on it and DH uses it to just sort of monitor any photos etc that might go up and to spy on the increasing weirdness that is his sister's life so she won't know for certain that we're aware of it that way either.

But why haven't PILs said something? Y'know 'here's a cucumber, your sister's getting married, oooooh look namechanges has made us some lovely sour grapes and brimstone for lunch'

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 21/08/2013 18:45

Send a pleasant card and a modest present - then wipe both her and the event from your mind. It will feel best in the long run.

HamletsSister · 21/08/2013 18:49

There must be someone on here who is getting married on the same date? Or someone must know someone. This was suggested up thread (sorry, can't be arsed to scroll back and see who) and I have added to it. Find someone else who is getting married on the same date. If there are several on here, pick the most lavish one. Post about it a lot on Facebook as if you are invited (with the bride's co-operation and NO, I am not expecting you to actually go!). Job done!

Sparrowlegs248 · 21/08/2013 18:53

Why thank you ladyclarice and vivipru !! Once upon a time i had an evil step mother AND a toxic sister!! 'D'S is much nicer now i have learnt how to deal with her!!

Grin @ 'heres a cucumber your sisters getting married.....

primallass · 21/08/2013 19:13

She might see a congrats card as fishing for an invitation though.

LucySnoweShouldRelax · 21/08/2013 19:19

If it helps, you're hilarious.

Original poster
namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 19:20

Primallass yes I know.

And thought telegram was really good and let us say 'we're pleased for you even if you hate us' but actually what if it gets read out and she goes all Bridezilla swooning/ranting/crying/shouting 'I HAVE no brother'?

There is actually no way out of this that isn't pretending we don't know until Boxing Day when we suddenly have to be in a room with everyone and eat a really dreadful Chicken Tonight casserole or some heavily processed cheap pork products.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 19:20

LucySnowe that actually does help Smile

OP posts:
MummyBeerest · 21/08/2013 19:21

Unless she mentions it to you beforehand, say nothing. Do send a card, but AFTER the event. Saying "Best Wishes, better late than never."

Grin
LucySnoweShouldRelax · 21/08/2013 19:22

Good. May that stirling sense of humour help you navigate the seas of batshit crazy that encroach upon you. GODSPEED!

Binkyridesagain · 21/08/2013 19:29

We've had similar from SIL. Got an email saying that she was getting married with the date but no other information, like a save the date. 1 month before the wedding we received another email stating that we where uninvited, the reason being that we've haven't spoken much lately, (not for the want of trying but when all you receive back is a grunt, you tend to stop making the effort). We didn't reply to the email, SIL got mighty pissed off about it and bad mouthed us to everyone.

We did wonder whether to send a congratulations card with a 'look at what you could have won' receipt for some luxury item but decided against it as the money was better spent elsewhere.

We found out the time, date and location of the wedding from another SIL, who was disgusted by the way we had been treated but decided not to rock the boat and turned up at the wedding, dressed up, said hello to some of the guests, watched the ceremony and then went to the pub. SIL was left to explain to the guests that saw us, why we had not been invited. By all accounts it wasn't a good wedding, as a lot of the family were upset by the events.

If I was you I would remain 'ignorant'.

diddl · 21/08/2013 19:31

So your husband gets on with his brother?

Doesn't she realise that the two brothers will have spoken about it?

Does she want to be able to argue with the other brother for telling your husband?

Original poster
namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 20:06

Diddl I think what is supposed to happen is that DBIL tells us, we wait in vain for a letter that never comes, sighing over each post with our sad Labrador eyes. And then when it finally dawns on us that we are not invited I fly into a rage shrieking 'Why? Why us cruel world? If only I had known I would never have slighted SIL by doing that thing that I don't know about I am so miserable, and SIL is so much prettier and slimmer than me too'

OP posts:
meganorks · 21/08/2013 20:16

I would ignore and just pretend you don't know. If you wouldn't go anyway you don't want to run the risk of being invited and then having to turn down. She soundslike she would eexploit that too yo make you the bad guys. Currently you have it sweet - you haven't been invited to a wedding you don't want yo go to. Win!

cozietoesie · 21/08/2013 20:18

You see ? You're getting all het up about it when there's really no need.

This is a woman you don't like much and are only associating with because of your DH - from what you say.

Just send something and then forget about it.

riskit4abiskit · 21/08/2013 20:18

Oh can we hear about the cucumber, pretty please?!