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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL, a wedding, FB, it's like AIBU bingo in here...

172 replies

namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 16:56

Hmmmmm. I think IABU. So I suppse I'm hoping to find out and maybe think through a response...

Anyway.

SIL divorced two years ago and since then has had a few relationships with men in a way that makes it look as though she's really quite desperate to be married again. She gets very involved very quickly and always seems to be looking for the next person. She was engaged last year but that fell through. She's been very defensive about her choices and at Christmas stopped talking to DH (her brother) as she said I was judging her, this came after she had made some really horrible comments about DD who is 3 and she seemed to be trying to start an argument and was frustrated that she wasn't getting one. I wasn't judging her, I really don't judge anyone for what they do sexually but I was very pissed off about the things she said about DD. I can see that she's possibly depressed and that's maybe where it's coming from. The two of us have never really seen eye to eye but I've always tried to be pleasant and supportive, we had her to stay for a while after she and BIl split up and she was a fucking nightmare

Anyway.

We have just found out from DH's DB (so her other brother) that she is getting married to her boyfriend in about six weeks. DBIL and DSIL got an invitation of the 'PIL request the pleasure of your company...' kind. The wedding will be a good 600 miles away (although they live quite close to us) and I don't think we could realistically go. DH has just had surgery, we don't have the money to fly or hire a car, we don't drive, DD is a bit too young for a 9 hour car journey (and I am too old for a nine hour car journey with a 3 year old...). It's a week since DB told us and we've sort of been waiting for an invitation but none has arrived. Since then there have been FB messages of a cryptic kind (she likes a good cryptic FB message does SIL) liking wedding caterers etc. and a couple of congratulatory messages to her etc. But no actual announcements.

So it's dawning on us that we're not invited. Which is probably all good really as we couldn't go anyway but a bit weird as we thought the Christmas thing was all sorted out when she asked DH to go for coffee with her and apologised and SIL and BIL really don't get on so it's like she's invited the brother she hates and not the one she gets on with IYSWIM?

But the question is whether we should do something nice like send her a nice card and congratulations and be grown-up about it. OR whether we just keep on 'not knowing' and see how long it takes PIL and SIL to ACTUALLY LET DH KNOW HIS SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED?

DH says he doesn't want to play her silly FB game and we should just leave it as though we don't know. And I kind of agree because it's really interesting to watch the massive dramatics that tend to follow But OTOH maybe we should be grown ups...

AWBU to say nothing? WWYD?

OP posts:
Isatdownandwept · 21/08/2013 20:22

Wait till after the event then send a congrats card saying you'd have bought a gift had you know in advance, but not to worry because you can keep the money saved ready for her next wedding.

youarewinning · 21/08/2013 20:27

You need to send flowers and champayne (if you have money to waste spare. Make sure the people running the reception know to bring them in and present them to the bride after mains so everyone is definatly a seated audience. Somehow it needs to be so people ask her who they are from but the present clearly stipulates your sorry you couldn't make it but wanted her to know you've not forgotton her special day.

That way if she's not invited but made a song and dance about it being because you cba she'll look a twat and if she hasn't mentioned it it'll surprise her so much - she'll look a twat. Grin

my friend and I never did any thing similar to an x friend of ours who got too big for her boots so I cannot garuntee it works Blush

DontmindifIdo · 21/08/2013 20:29

There's another option you haven't thought about - have you got all the details from other brother? In which case you could buy a really naff fancy RSVP card, send to PIL (as invites have come from them formally) stating that Mr and Mrs Namechanges would be delighted to attend. It could be that your PIL don't know you've not been invited... you can get political D&V the day before so you don't need to actually go...

TooManyDicksOnTheDancefloor · 21/08/2013 20:44

You should send a hamper made up of cucumbers, courgettes and marrows and have it presented with a poem on the day!

Revengeofkarma · 21/08/2013 20:45

Look, she knows. She knows she's getting married. She knows you're not invited. She knows BIL told you. You know she knows BIL told you. You know in your heart she knows. She knows you know she knows. And so on. So she is waiting for the next move from you. A card? A dramatic showing up uninvited? A passive aggressive FB post, etc. because THEN whatever, and I do mean whatever, you do she can rail against it to make you look bad. The rest of it is simply her impatience while she waits for you to give her what she wants - something to bitch about.

The thing is, if you do nothing, then she's got nothing. Sure she could lie that you were badmouthing her or refused to come or what have you, but these lies get found out Every Single Time. And then she looks crazier than ever. "They didn't come to the wedding!" But they weren't invited! But BIL told them about it and they didn't even send a card! Um, because you didn't speak to them and they heard about it third hand and you're upset they didn't send a card?

So you sit tight. And do nothing. And while yes, you're in the game whether you like it or not, you then win. But it has to be NOTHING. Not even one cryptic little FB post. De-friend her. Seriously. This woman is not your friend.

In the meantime, you fantasise wildly on here about what you'd like to do really. And start that sweepstake.

LookingThroughTheFog · 21/08/2013 20:59

I completely agree with what Karma just said...

... while being really desperate for you to send a little card. Little, plain and obviously cheap.

But I think Karma is right.

DontmindifIdo · 21/08/2013 21:09

Karma is right. It's boring, but it's the best way. Although actually, it'll be driving her insane, she's going to be all prepped for a fight you won't give her...

HamletsSister · 21/08/2013 21:22

I vote Karma!

Revengeofkarma · 21/08/2013 21:30

I amend my advice slightly because defriending her is the thing she can talk about - she will realise. But hide her posts somehow so that you're not even tempted to respond as the pressure will be immense.

Revengeofkarma · 21/08/2013 21:33

I promise you it isn't even boring. Because she will drive herself in KNOTS as the day approaches to simultaneously hide it from you while she tries to get you to respond. And once you have your do nothing plan, her moves will get more and more desperate. And it will be fascinating to watch.

Original poster
namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 21:33

Someone asked about the cucumber. This will tell you everything you need to know about MIL and the cucumber

OP posts:
Inertia · 21/08/2013 21:33

What Karma said. Do nothing. She is waiting for a response to pounce on. Don't give her the ammunition.

Original poster
namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 21:37

And yes, karma, you have it Grin I thought doing nothing was not grown up but you are right and I get to do what I wnated to and feel smug about it

I am not going to defriend her, partly because I have not been on Facebook for years but partly also because after she fell out with DH at Christmas she didn't defriend him but she did remove the bit that says 'relationship - brother' Shock Smile

OP posts:
Revengeofkarma · 21/08/2013 21:43

The older I get the firmer I believe that as they said in Wargames "the only way to win is not to play."

People like this totally feed on it. But they need you to produce the food. There's a sizeable difference between doing nothing and announcing to the family you aren't speaking to her, etc etc. Dont feed the troll and she's got nothing. When she acts like an adult you respond as such. Simples!

Original poster
namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 21:51

Yeah I know all that but you put it very well Smile the only thing is that she continually raises the stakes when we do nothing so it feels quite violent to do nothing in a way...

OP posts:
youarewinning · 21/08/2013 21:53

I hate to admit it but Karma is right. despite the flowers thing being fun!

My friends and I spend hours lecturing explaining to our DC's (aged 5-11yrs!) that an argument takes two people and that if someone calls you a name etc then walk away. They look the bad one then but if you respond then your the one making it an argument (as opposed to someone being mean iyswim?!)

DinoSnores · 21/08/2013 21:56

She sounds like my youngest sister, expect that she didn't even come to my wedding! I've got no idea why because (I'm sure this bit infuriates here) I've never asked why, but it wasn't entirely unexpected.

BlehPukeVomit · 21/08/2013 22:02

Mmm You SIL sounds like my evil bitch SIL. She mostly doesn't speak to anyone, including her own sisters and mother. I think there is nothing much you can do other than trying not to care.

I would hide her Facebook pages and set yours so that she is restricted from seeing anything very much on yours. I would simply stop seeing her and move on. I would let your DH do whatever he wants to do even if you think he is being silly to maintain any type of relationship with her. He clearly comes from a weird family but let him deal with it.

It is so frustrating when people behave as your SIL is doing but there is not much you can do other than avoid them forever and stop caring.

Good luck.

Revengeofkarma · 21/08/2013 22:10

There you go - told you it wouldn't be boring. She is, and she will, continue to raise the stakes. Hey, why not? It has always worked before, right? Ain't nothing but straight up manipulation on her part. And I warn you right now, this has two or three cycles to go through AFTER the wedding. Because this is the only weapon in her arsenal, and as noted it has always worked before. So a couple of decades of reinforcement means that her response to not getting what she really really wants for her wedding (meaning you to bitch about and quite possibly blame when the whole thing goes wrong!) will be to do more of the same. She will get crazier and crazier, but do you deal with DD's tantrums by giving in every time? Of course you don't. So why would you treat an adult any differently?

But everyone else gets to deal with her crazy. She will try (oh, she will try) to blame your lack of response for her poor behaviour. But this, as noted above, will fall apart. And the crazier she gets, the faster it will fall apart, and her poor behaviour will not only be confirmed by your lack of response but by every one else's actual response, which at some point will include the phrase "have you lost your mind?" It effectively creates its own little tornado that eventually simply can't stand upright any more. So then she has to figure out how to behave like a grown up, and unfortunately that has a chance of not actually ever happening. But YOUR life will be far, far better.

daisychain01 · 21/08/2013 22:15

You see ? You're getting all het up about it when there's really no need.
This is a woman you don't like much and are only associating with because of your DH - from what you say.
Just send something and then forget about it

Now, come on cozie you must surely know the MN rules of engagement on this! Its critical the OP gets maximum mileage from this - its a Bridezilla in the making! Forgetting about it just isnt an option. We need at least 3,000 posts, speculating about whether to send a beautiful wedding card and be seen to take the moral high ground or act like she didnt know a wedding was even going on, or any number of brilliant wind-ups, poems, lyrics and Bogus Facebook updates.

Lets wheel in balloonslayer I'm sure I saw her on here earlier, she a demon with the witty rhymning couplets Grin

Original poster
namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 22:18

That's a very good fucking point in among all this skilled analysis. WHERE'S THE POETRY?

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangesforthehardstuff · 21/08/2013 22:21

If Karma's right though (and she is because this is EXACTLY what happened at Christmas) I have six weeks of FB updates, texts and other flouncing to endure. I am not sure whether that sounds entertaining or wearing...

OP posts:
Revengeofkarma · 21/08/2013 22:24

Is it entertaining or wearing
To adopt a course so daring
To put SIL out for a duck
By not giving a fuck
And just being well beyond caring?

breatheslowly · 21/08/2013 22:25

I'd definitely ignore as that is the most frustrating you can be to a drama queen. I love the idea of saying you have hidden her on FB too. A friend of mine at university stopped talking to me for a term after some sort of perceived slight. I think that the perceived slight paled in comparison to me not noticing that he wasn't speaking to me for the whole term (and I genuinely hadn't noticed).

MumnGran · 21/08/2013 22:32

YANBU ....but why not just bypass the SIL? very easy to do and actually the polite route for the enquiry because you have been told that the invites are officially from PIL's. Ask your MIL straight out, if you are right to think that you have been excluded because you have not received an invite.
Then just sit back and wait to hear what they say.

At least you know it won't start a family row, because you aren't fussed, but you may as well make them wriggle a little if they have actually been so unpleasant.

As for FB ...don't un-friend her, but you can choose to 'only see important posts' from her. From experience that took out 95% of the traffic from someone who was driving me crackers but I did not want to offend.