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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a little bit mean spirited

274 replies

TeaAndABiscuit · 18/08/2013 17:00

A friend asked me along to a spa day. Her and her husband are very well off (they work hard, don't begrudge them that at all) but have a bit of a reputation for being tight fisted (always last to the bar etc). It was quite expensive but I thought a nice treat. We came to pay and she said she'd cleared it already and I just owed her for mine as she had a voucher for hers. If it had been me I would have said up front I had a voucher and needed someone to go with and I would have shared the voucher. I didn't necessarily expect her to do that but I think she should have said something before booking. I can be over sensitive so I accept this might be the case here but this is a long line of similar situations. Not an earth shattering problem I know!

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaAndABiscuit · 19/08/2013 04:50

I was going to ask what the deal was to see if I could get something similar for another friend ( to see what she said)
but I'm going to take the cowards way out and just drop the issue and the friendship quietly..

OP posts:
Longdistance · 19/08/2013 05:54

That's why your friends are well off. They hold onto their money, and ride off the backs of other people.

TheTruffleHunter · 19/08/2013 06:28

Why not call/e-mail the spa and ask for another copy of the receipt? Then you will know exactly what was covered and will feel on firmer ground if you do decide to have it out with 'friend'.

Original poster
TeaAndABiscuit · 19/08/2013 06:44

I did think about that too and might do. The crux of this is disappointment, and I feel embarrassed-I've been asked along purely because I make it allowable for someone else to go and for them to get it cheaper. The reason I put up with this is because I didn't have that many friends but I'm making new friends now. Time to move on :)

OP posts:
YellowDinosaur · 19/08/2013 06:50

Your call to not say anything. I couldn't let it lie.

If you do talk to her I'd be a bit more upfront though as she could blag her way out of you asking about the deal as it not being in anymore.

I'd say to her you were looking at the spa website and noticed that on the day you went out was bogohp. And that it got you thinking because obviously you'd paid full price. And ask her directly if she paid half price of full price. And see what she says.

She couldn't possibly come out of this well unless she looks shocked, apologises and offers to reimburse you. if she blusters on about her voucher you can say that if you hadn't gone she would have had to pay full price and you're pretty pissed off that she has enjoyed the benefits of you being there without sharing them and being upfront. And that you think she should pay you the difference. If she does you can let the friendship drop if you wish or make sure to be vigilant going forwards. If she refuses then tell her you have no wish to continue a friendship with someone who would deliberately rip off their friend.

DogonBed · 19/08/2013 06:53

Tea - I'd feel like you. Don't wish to be paid for and would not accept half of someone else's voucher but would expect an invite to a spa day to be based on the person wanting my company ..not a paying person to enable them to claim their discount

I'd also want openness so we could discuss alternatives. It sounds like she deliberately wasn't open - there is usually one reason for that!

I'd walk away from the friendship.

YellowDinosaur · 19/08/2013 06:59

If you don't want to bring money into it because you want her to realise it's not about this but rather how she could treat a friend like this, then rather than ask for the money from her at the point she says she paid half price you could just look her in the eye and say 'do you really think it's reasonable that you paid half price, a benefit you only got because I was there too, while I paid full price?'

If she offers to reimburse you then you can either accept or say 'no it's not about the money but you've just confirmed I don't want to be friends with someone who would deliberately rip off a friend'and walk away.

YellowDinosaur · 19/08/2013 07:09

Do it by email or text if you don't want the confrontation.

Seriously, I don't understand people who won't stand up for themselves when they are being walked all over. You'll feel great about yourself if you stand up for yourself. If you don't you'll always seethe about this and never know if there was actually an innocent explanation (although I think this unlikely)

Original poster
TeaAndABiscuit · 19/08/2013 07:15

I'll let you know how I get on. I hate confrontation and I'm a people pleaser and this is my idea of hell.

OP posts:
everlong · 19/08/2013 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SquidgyMummy · 19/08/2013 07:36

Hi OP,
sorry you are getting such a flaming on this thread but it is AIBU so is to be expected i'm afraid

Your "friend" has been an arse. Her voucher would have been useless to her if she hadn't brought you along used you , so the decent thing to do was to split the cash cost (£69 + £34.50) equally between the 2 of you.

Don't waste your energy confronting her, it will achieve as she has the hide of a rhino nothing and just make you feel bad.

Concentrate on your new friendships. Play the long game and she will soon find out that she and her tight arsed husband are no longer invited along to events.

Original poster
TeaAndABiscuit · 19/08/2013 07:40

For someone who thinks this thread is a waste of time you are spending a lot of time on it Evenlongerandlonger.
I might yet prove to be wrong. Perhaps using a voucher didn't qualify her for the deal ( though I don't see why it wouldn't) and then it's just the original premise of the thread which as you've already stated you don't agree with which is fine. You do seem a little over sensitive on the subject though. Have I hit a raw nerve?

OP posts:
everlong · 19/08/2013 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mimishimi · 19/08/2013 07:48

YANBU! She should have shared the voucher with you and you each paid halves, especially if it was a buy one, get one free deal. Even if it was a gift, she at least should have made that clear beforehand.

Original poster
TeaAndABiscuit · 19/08/2013 07:52

Therein lies the difference Ever. You were upfront. My friend wasn't. It's not about the money, it's about the deceit.

OP posts:
SPBisResisting · 19/08/2013 07:53

" Even if it was a gift, she at least should have made that clear beforehand."
Why? What would be the point? Should she also have declared if her parents had given her the money to go?
I agree with everlong, although I do see that this new info about buy one get one half price makes things different - effectively you paid full price in order for her to get a half price deal (which she then covered with the voucher she had). That was cheeky. But I don't agree if she had a gift voucher she'd have to 'declare' it up front.

SPBisResisting · 19/08/2013 07:54

Why is it deceit? What if she'd paid with cash someone else had given her? A credit card owned by her sugar daddy?

SPBisResisting · 19/08/2013 07:55

Sorry obviously she was deceitful about the offer. But even ignoring that, you are implying that if you'd both gone and paid ful price she should have decalred that she had a gift voucher. I don't understand that, it was just her method of payment.

LemonPeculiarJones · 19/08/2013 08:04

I'm with you OP.

It was buy one, get one half price - that would be a discount I would share with my friend.

Or give my friend the half price and pay the full myself because my friend was keeping me company, it was my idea.

And obviously on top of long-standing form for tightness, this must be irritating for you OP.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 19/08/2013 08:19

Your last post sums it up for me, she wasn't up front with you which makes me wonder why. Drop the friendship quietly and just let things be, you'll feel better for you. :)

CatDogAndMouse · 19/08/2013 08:26

YANBU. A spa visit is no fun on your own. She asked you to go with her so that she could use her voucher and not be alone. The very least she should have done is to tell you about the voucher when she asked you to go.

Everlong, why didn't you leave this thread ages ago? She asked for opinions and you gave yours. You do not need to keep going on and on and on about it. You seem to need to justify your opinion then become condescending by calling the OP 'pet'. Not nice at all!

YellowDinosaur · 19/08/2013 08:40

Understand you finding this tough op. If it's easier to walk away then do that. If you'll always seethe quietly and feel angry when you see her then maybe gearing yourself up for a blunt email would draw a line under it better for you. Only you know what will make you feel best out of this.

As a non people pleaser who doesn't really like confrontation but is happy to face it when needed i'm happy to draft an email if you like?

Pawprint · 19/08/2013 08:45

V cheeky - you got the "buy one" and she got the "free".

Original poster
TeaAndABiscuit · 19/08/2013 09:03

Thank you Yellow-what a lovely offer. I'm going to contact the spa first to make sure I have my facts right but I might come back to you on that xx

OP posts:
GinOnTwoWheels · 19/08/2013 09:04

OP YANBU. It seems clear that she has scammed you and taken all the discount for herself.

This sounds like another recent AIBU where a 'friend' booked theatre tickets for a large group and wanted to keep all the quidco type cash back for herself.

I would just avoid getting involved with financial transactions with her in the future and just avoid her as much as possible anyway.

I bet she's the type to order lobster and champagne in a restaurant and then expect to split the bill with the vegetarian tee-totallers.