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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a little bit mean spirited

274 replies

TeaAndABiscuit · 18/08/2013 17:00

A friend asked me along to a spa day. Her and her husband are very well off (they work hard, don't begrudge them that at all) but have a bit of a reputation for being tight fisted (always last to the bar etc). It was quite expensive but I thought a nice treat. We came to pay and she said she'd cleared it already and I just owed her for mine as she had a voucher for hers. If it had been me I would have said up front I had a voucher and needed someone to go with and I would have shared the voucher. I didn't necessarily expect her to do that but I think she should have said something before booking. I can be over sensitive so I accept this might be the case here but this is a long line of similar situations. Not an earth shattering problem I know!

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaAndABiscuit · 18/08/2013 22:09

Everlong I didn't know until i looked it up this evening and what 'bother' is there to you? You didn't have to post on this thread and you couldn't see the point of it anyway.
I'm glad I started this thread as I'll get rid of a crap friend and it's highlighted that there are some lovely, generous people out there who are not out for themselves.

OP posts:
everlong · 18/08/2013 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TeaAndABiscuit · 18/08/2013 22:12

It's at the top of the page slim.

OP posts:
RogueRebel · 18/08/2013 22:12

I would have it out with her Tea, she's done this deliberately.

its not the cost Everlong, Tea has said she would pay and hasn't expected anyone to pay for her.

however the friends settled the bill without Tea, refused to show the bill and tea payed what she was told to.

its only just cone to light because Tea looked it up on the spa website a few posts ago because it felt deceptive - which it is Teas friend has used her so she could get a half price spa day the voucher is obsolete at this point because if she didn't have it she still would of settled the bill and charged Tea full price while she only payed half. All done without Teas knowledge! she's scamed her!

Original poster
TeaAndABiscuit · 18/08/2013 22:13

I find some of your posts on the thread strange Everlonger so we'll call it quits.

OP posts:
everlong · 18/08/2013 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 18/08/2013 22:17

When are you going to be able to confront her about it?

Ifancyashandy · 18/08/2013 22:18

Again, what everlong said. This is too strange. Looking up & getting indignant after starting the 'I'm indignant' thread?! Odder than odd.

Original poster
TeaAndABiscuit · 18/08/2013 22:18

I'm going to a BBQ she'll be at in a couple of weeks. I'll ask her then.

OP posts:
candycoatedwaterdrops · 18/08/2013 22:21

Cor blimey, some of you lot are like a dog with a bone!

OP, I think you are not U to feel a bit used.

mynameisslimshady · 18/08/2013 22:22

I'm with everlong and shandy here. Op is pissed off enough about something I still don't understand to start a thread, then finds out half way into the thread there is an actual reason to be annoyed. All a bit odd. Hmm

Original poster
TeaAndABiscuit · 18/08/2013 22:23

Thanks Candy. I don't mind people disagreeing with me -part of life and I invited opinions.

OP posts:
emsyj · 18/08/2013 22:24

I would ring her tbh. Don't leave it for a couple of weeks, you'll just look petty 'raking it up' after so long. Call her tomorrow and ask her directly whether she used the BOGOHP offer. Also avoids having the conversation in front of other people, which I would say is best avoided. Even though you're not in the wrong, starting that conversation at a party won't reflect well on you. Deal with it now, and privately.

Original poster
TeaAndABiscuit · 18/08/2013 22:30

You are right. Despite wanting to let the friendship go I'm going to feel like a tight arse raising it. It's going to sound like it's about the money and it so isn't.

OP posts:
TheBleedinObvious · 18/08/2013 23:01

Op

I am sorry you feel hurt and used, and I would in this situation as well.

Your friend sounds sneaky and dishonest through omission.

I would let the friendship go. She is not a friend. I would have been up front about the voucher (whatever voucher it could have been BOGOF, birthday present etc) so would you and so would many other previous posters and I think this tells you all you need.

Also if I personally had received a voucher for my birthday and didnt want to/couldn't afford to pay for a friend to accompany me, I would go alone! A spa can be a solo activity!

TheBleedinObvious · 18/08/2013 23:05

Also it makes complete sense to me that the op was upset initially, she has history with the friend being sneaky and devious about money issues.

This history would have made it an issue for the op. If the friend had always been fair and reasonable regarding money I don't think the op would have had the same reaction at all.

Crumbledwalnuts · 18/08/2013 23:09

Isn't it clear that the OP thought she was being treated so was taken by surprise when having to pay, and saw the whole thing as a little thoughtless?

Isn't it clear now that she's discovered that wasn't the problem at all - there's a new problem - that she was deliberately treated badly, no thoughtlessness at all - instead disregard and selfishness?

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 18/08/2013 23:16

If I was the friend, and even if the voucher was a gift, if I asked a friend to come along, I would have split the voucher with them. It's just the nice thing to do! No way could I ask someone to accompany me and let them pay the full amount whilst I went free! They wouldn't be there if it wasn't for me!

TheBleedinObvious · 18/08/2013 23:18

Op your friend basically 'increased' the value of her 'present' by changing it from an 'afternoon tea for 2' costing £30 something something' to a 'spa afternoon' costing nearly £50!!
What a cheeky, greedy cow she is!

cerealqueen · 18/08/2013 23:25

Money issues always split opinion! This reminds of a thread where somebody got free train tickets after a work trip was delayed. They didn't pay for the original tickets but then wanted their friend to buy the free ones as the tickets were only to the town where friend had sick father they were visiting. Half the thread said cheeky cow, how mean, other half said why shouldn't the person who had the free tickets realise the financial worth by selling them!!

I'm totally with you OP. Suggest you go again and next time you get the half price day. People who are mean and take the piss out of others in being so piss me right off.

lottieandmia · 18/08/2013 23:30

YANBU - there was a similar thread a long time ago, the only difference being that it was a lunch voucher I think. How selfish of her.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 19/08/2013 00:17

YWBVU to stir up drama at some poor third party's BBQ over this.

Have a bit of dignity and just quietly drop her as a friend.

cafecito · 19/08/2013 00:19

I agree with ^ 'Have a bit of dignity and just quietly drop her as a friend.'

there is no need to go over this, what are you hoping to achieve? You're the one who will look bad. Don't bother, she obviously has done things I the past to annoy you so just stop seeing her. Really not hard.

TheBleedinObvious · 19/08/2013 00:24

Yes don't bring it up at a BBQ, you are likely to look like you are being petty (even though you aren't, but it is complicated).

If you really need to discuss it with her, do it in private.

thecatfromjapan · 19/08/2013 00:28

Hmm. I agree with Holdmecloser. Don't raise this at this barbecue you're going to, it wouldn't be fair.

Fair enough talking about it with Ms.Spa, but do it over the 'phone, or by going to a cafe with her.

Also, if you are going to talk to her about it, you should do it in an open-hearted way, assuming the best. Seriously. You must be clear in your mind as to why you are raising it. Is it to punish her? To claw back self-esteem? To make it clear in your head why you are dumping her? These aren't really good enough reasons for such a conversation.

A good reason is to clear lines of communication that were opaque before. So ask her what was going on. Say you want to know the exact situation wrt the voucher, because you didn't think to ask before and it has left you feeling uncomfortable. Give her a chance to be clear.

And you will have to accept it if she does have a clear response.

Really, if you only want to talk to her about this because you are cross and hurt after years of being made to feel second-class - and you just want to communicate that - don't do it at the barbecue!!

Apart from anything else, it'll ruin the occasion for you. Smile Really, you are doing all this work on raising your self-esteem, so start thinking hard about how to make sure you act in ways that enhance your life, and really do treat people like this in ways that diminish their importance to you and their effect on you.

Good luck.