to think life is a HUNDRED times more difficult when you're POOR

[poorandworriedmum]

NC so i can have a good moan.

It's only summer and im already dreading winter. I can't afford Christmas, cant afford winter coats for DCs, or good enough boots, cant afford heating costs, cant afford bus fares to spare DCs havung to trudge everywhere in all weathers, cant afford to make hearty meals to keep us warm. Sick of living in a damp, mouldy cold cramped old flat that never gets warm, sick of paying rent for such a slum that makes DCs ill, sick of looking at our shabby things & seeing how few books and toys We can affrod to give our kids, sick of looking through a window that gets no light because the landlords tree presses against the glass and we arent allowed to touch it, sick of saying 'no sorry sweetheart we cant afford that' when they're not asking for a trip to Disneyland they're asking to ride ten miles on the bus to the free gallery for gods sake. Sick of the way small debts follow you for years, sick of feeling unable to support my two kids, sick of never ever ever having treats like a fish supper or a hot chocolate in a cafe. Sick of dreading letters home from school wanting two or three pounds for this or that because we are so chronically bones of our arse poor that we never have that spare. Wish I could treat my kids some times. My DD is 6 and sees the ads for Build A Bear Workshop and her eyes light up and I wish I could take her just once and leg her choose what ahe wants. My DS wants to go to a circus. Its beyond us to provide anything extra or special for them ever and I am so fucking sick of living hand to mouth. How much of a different life my kids could have if we werent spending all our income and then some keeping alive.

DH and I work four PT jobs between us, theyre all shit nd badly paid and we're both knackered (and my cleaning jobs have given me a prolapsed womb and bad back) and hardly see each other and what is the point when we cant even give our kids a pleasant chidhood?

Fuckisng sick of being second class citizen.

I just want to wish you the absolute best and I hope that there comes a point where you look back and think I'm through the worst of it.

Really useful to get the food bank info, that's something that I can do.

Is there more we can do though ? No idea what really, just wondering...?

Op, I'm in Norfolk too. I am just in the process of sorting out Dd's old toys/clothes. I'd love to send them to you if you would like them, seriously it would be a help to me. Pm me.

What others have said on this thread about rural poverty is absolutely true.
Luckily I can afford to drive to get to supermarkets, if I didn't then my choice would be my local pricey co-op or the even pricier Londis.
A few years ago when we were in a much worse financial situation I learnt that a Sunday evening was the time to go to co-op and get the marked down bread and chilled goods. Even though we don't have to do this now I still go regularly as I got into the habit.
Another thing I found helpful was an old thread on here about saving money. I can't provide the link but if anyone wants to read it search for 'foil behind radiators' or something. It was full of tips from people who couldn't properly afford to heat their homes about ways to insulate your house cheaply. Again, I still do some of then now as habit.

Living in a rural area myself I can fully understand some of the posters on this thread. What they don't say and what goes unsaid must be the total misunderstanding of the rest of their community. I have a friend whose children are the only 'poor children' at the local village school. Having a lot of affluent parents means that this school does not provide things like 20p breakfast club, donated uniform, free book-bags etc that our local larger school does. She also speaks of the horror of being invited to children's parties and either only being able to provide pound shop presents or not sending her DC as they can't afford a present. And then there is the dilemma of their birthdays and what to do (she couldn't possibly have the horsey mummy set come to her house so she usually scrimps to rent the local scout hut, luckily very cheap). Her children's friends get everything they could ask for and pretty much lots of other stuff that children don't need to be honest, expensive holidays etc. at the moment her DC are young and don't notice but it will get worse as they get older.
In my group of friends it is the norm to pass around clothes, toys, books and baby equipment etc. nobody ever says no, no matter how much money they have. My neighbour gave me a Pac a mac for DS the other day and I thought 'brilliant, saved me a tenner'

I'm glad that this thread has inspired some to donate to food banks etc and hopefully opened some people eyes to rural poverty as well as poverty local to them. OP, if you don't come back I wish you and your family luck.

PrincessFlirtyPants, thanks so much for raising the question of food banks. I was naive enough to not realise they existed here! I've googled and there's a Trussell Trust less than a mile from where I do my shopping. I've downloaded their suggested list (which is slightly different to the one posted so maybe they are regional) and will be adding some bits and pieces to my usual shop from now on.

And PattheHammer, I bet the vast majority of parents would rather have your friend's child at the birthday party than not come at all because of a lack of present. I know I certainly would! Often I wish I could just ban presents altogether and this year did say to one mum who I know is really struggling at the moment to please please please not give a present but just send her DC to the party.

I donate to my local food bank and always add a few luxuries. I try tomix it up with healthy adaptable basics like rice, noodles, pasta, tinned tomatoes and tuna, spices and herbs (because adding flavour to basics makes them feel more of a treat and herbs are expensive). Then I add kids and 'adult' cereals, packed lunch type biscuit bars like Geo Bars, jams and honey and baked beans. I always add salt, spices ,herbs and condiments and bottles of cooking oil.(Have you seen the price of mayo and ketchup these days?)

For treats i take advantage of BOGOFF so I can put in nice potato crisps, tortilla chips w/ a jar of dip (everyone deserves a friday night treat), packets of nice biscuits, multipacks of kids chocolate. I add those little packets of Dutch caramel waffle biscuits because they keep and are quite big so one cut in half will do two little children. Packets of raisins too and sugar go in as do those boxes of Brownie mix that only need an egg and veg oil. They are fun to do with kids and less costly than making a cake which can rack up the £££.

Yes I know these items may not be nutritious but how awful must it be to not be able to treat yourself or your children?

My local bank won't take fruit or veg and I wish they would as I have bags of overflowing allotment produce. I have more then I can do with so have been dropping it off at the homeless shelter. Potatoes, onions and root crops have a long shelf life so do not see what the problem is especially as no cold store needed and I could drop them off on box make up day.

catsmother's post was excellent, I have had this discussion so many times both online and in real life. When you are scrabbling around for money to buy a loaf of bread, the chances of being able to save enough money to cover relocation or re-training is so far out of reach that you might as well suggest to someone that they fly to the moon. Once you are no longer on the government unemployment statistics, help with training, improving your prospects is more or less non existent.

I have been grindingly poor in the past and I thank my lucky stars every day that I'm no longer in that position. I hope with all my heart that things improve for the OP.

Mignonette, a nationwide allotment network to provide fresh fruit and veg would be great. Most allotmenteers I know have far too much stuff

OhDear Yes, some kind of national organisation overseeing local produce drop offs. It is not being sold so no by laws are being broken. I have masses of Morello cherries, boxes of frozen red, white and black currants plus gooseberries too and these cost ££££ to buy.

YANBU. I hate when people say that money doesn't buy happiness. Maybe not, but it does buy you choices and remove the things that cause so much unhappiness, e.g. hunger, debts, bills you can't afford.

This is such a distressing read. Even more so to think how many threads about poverty have cropped up this Summer.

OP, I hope you're still reading. Some fantastic advice and genuine offers of help here.

Agree with whoever said that we're a community, we should help each other.

OP please come back!

Hope you do accept the help offered on here.

We have a loaves and fishes food bank near me - at a local church and they like tins of soup - chopped toms - baked beans - veg - rice pudding - spaghetti b - and then bags of pasta rice smash and part baked rolls

Is there any reason why those of you with allotments can't give away stuff on freecycle? Or get together with other people and perhaps have a once a month give-away advertised locally?

I'm not up on the rules, but it would be a shame if Health and Safety got in the way of giving away your excess.

Op YANBU
Can I add that I have come from both places- growing up we had plenty of money and materially anything we could ask for. My parents however were pretty absent and didn't really give a stuff. When I was 13 everything changed. My parents split and their business went bankrupt. I went from a house with a swimming pool to sleeping on the floor of a 1 bed flat. At 16 I worked full time alongside my a levels just so I could afford to feed myself.
Your situation sounds rubbish. I live rurally too and can completely empathise with how hard it must be. You sound like a wonderfully caring parent and although you might not be able to provide your children with everything they want materially you are obviously giving them love and attention and that will stay with them forever.
Hope things improve for you x

Tallulah - I agree. I have actually found that sentiment - "money can't buy happiness" - quite insulting and very insensitive when I've had that directed at me when I've been struggling in the past. Yes, happiness is extremely subjective and I suppose there are some things money can't buy, but for the vast majority of people, having enough money to enjoy a basic standard of living - food, clothing, heat, adequate housing, ability to transport yourself (be it privately or on public transport) - would be very welcome indeed and the relief of being able to do all that without the gut-wrenching sick feeling when a bill's unexpectedly high or when something essential breaks down (like your boiler) would significantly improve most people's happiness. Having enough money so you can purchase dental treatment (even NHS costs) instead of living in agony for months or years, having enough money so that hospital referrals aren't yet another expensive worry, having enough money to be able to wear glasses that are the correct prescription, or having enough money to actually be able to participate - even if it's only infrequently - in the sort of simple social interactions many people take for granted, like inviting friends round for a meal or travelling to visit your grandparents once in a while would also contribute hugely to one's happiness. It's not like people short of money are asking for it so they can buy designer handbags or indulge themselves with fillet steak and lobster - but just so they can live a modest lifestyle which doesn't mean constant angst, stress, frustration, disappointment and isolation.

God this is awful. I just looked at our nearest large town's foodbank website. 23% of the population of this town are living below the poverty line. There aren't any local food donation points but I can set up a standing order. We aren't rolling in it by any stretch but we can do all the things OP says she can't and can definitely donate something monthly. Heartbreaking to know so much poverty is on your doorstep.

And no, money doesn't buy happiness ... how could it when happiness is an abstract and relative concept ... but it brings security, nourishment, comfort and dignity.

Psychologies magazine are forever running articles about how money cant buy happiness and finances is a state of mind. In the last year their circulation has dropped 45 % (i follow Press Gazette on Twitter) That should tell them something.

'Money can't buy you happiness.' My dad, who grew up very poor, always laughed at this one. 'Makes being miserable a lot easier.'

Same with, 'Money isn't everything . . . unless you have none.'

I agree expat

"Money can't buy you happiness" is one if the biggest pile of poo phrases ever invented.

I thought he (Dave) was going to reward the hard working families? .

OP YANBU

OP your post has made me cry, sounds like your having a shit time of it just now. It cant be easy working 4 PT jobs between you and DH - im sorry you feel like a 2nd class citizen - you defintely arent. I hope things get better for you and your family in the future.

Well I'm going to go to the food bank with what they have on the list and ask them if they need any treats. I don't want to turn up with loads of treats and what they need is main meals...

It's brilliant that this thread has highlighted the difficulties that so many people are facing everyday in the UK and we are able to show our compassion and act. What's sad is that anyone can be in this position in the first place.

How the MP's can sleep at night is beyond me, we are one of the richest countries in the world and we can't even support and feed our people?! FFS something needs to change.

I'm so sorry op. Please come back to this thread and tell us you'll take some of the help offered, people will be only to happy to help out if they can. I remember the first Xmas appeal here, tiredemma sent me next gift vouchers, it was amazing. Please accept the help, if you can .

Was thinking about OP having to lie to her husband about where she got the stuff if she accepted help, and I though she could say MN was having a pre-Christmas clear out of good quality stuff up for grabs for whoever wanted it. Then I thought, why couldn't we do that anyway? I know we do the Santa thing which I love, but this could be as simple as listing what we have going free to a good home and seeing who wants it?
Is that doable?