to think life is a HUNDRED times more difficult when you're POOR

[poorandworriedmum]

NC so i can have a good moan.

It's only summer and im already dreading winter. I can't afford Christmas, cant afford winter coats for DCs, or good enough boots, cant afford heating costs, cant afford bus fares to spare DCs havung to trudge everywhere in all weathers, cant afford to make hearty meals to keep us warm. Sick of living in a damp, mouldy cold cramped old flat that never gets warm, sick of paying rent for such a slum that makes DCs ill, sick of looking at our shabby things & seeing how few books and toys We can affrod to give our kids, sick of looking through a window that gets no light because the landlords tree presses against the glass and we arent allowed to touch it, sick of saying 'no sorry sweetheart we cant afford that' when they're not asking for a trip to Disneyland they're asking to ride ten miles on the bus to the free gallery for gods sake. Sick of the way small debts follow you for years, sick of feeling unable to support my two kids, sick of never ever ever having treats like a fish supper or a hot chocolate in a cafe. Sick of dreading letters home from school wanting two or three pounds for this or that because we are so chronically bones of our arse poor that we never have that spare. Wish I could treat my kids some times. My DD is 6 and sees the ads for Build A Bear Workshop and her eyes light up and I wish I could take her just once and leg her choose what ahe wants. My DS wants to go to a circus. Its beyond us to provide anything extra or special for them ever and I am so fucking sick of living hand to mouth. How much of a different life my kids could have if we werent spending all our income and then some keeping alive.

DH and I work four PT jobs between us, theyre all shit nd badly paid and we're both knackered (and my cleaning jobs have given me a prolapsed womb and bad back) and hardly see each other and what is the point when we cant even give our kids a pleasant chidhood?

Fuckisng sick of being second class citizen.

Actually there's lots of free government funded training around.

No there isn't. I'm delivering some at the moment and it is low level and aimed at people who left school with no qualifications and have been long term unemployed.

The courses I'm part of delivering are useful (had 3 students come back this week who are now in work after a three week course), they do give you skills but they lead to min wage jobs.

Op's post made very hard reading. Because we can afford the hit chocolate.
Shame, you can't.

Oblomov??

If your 4 pt jobs are so badly paid then perhaps it would be better for 1 of you to try and get a ft job and the other stay at home? I understand it wont be easy in the current climate of course.

Also check that you are receiving all the benefits you are entitled to-cb,tax credits,housing etc. If your wages are so low them Im sure you must be entitled to some help.

Many people are struggling at the moment so your dcs wont be the only ones who go without treats.

If you have no access to books/library then perhaps ask the school if they can borrow books from their library?

I think its very kind that posters are offering charity but I don't blame those who hope the op is not a fake-posters were badly stung a few years ago by a poster who pleaded poverty and then weeks later bought a new car...

I hope things work out for you and your family op.

Peach, my little boy has nearly outgrown his 12-18 month summer clothes. I will happily post them out to you in the autumn if you can use them to kit out your ds next summer. Lots of shorts, t shirts, trousers etc. Would love to pass them on to someone who will use them having been in your position a few years ago with my dds.

pinup IME people who have several part time jobs in order to make ends meet do so because they can't get a full job. My experience of job hunting suggests to me that the percentage of available jobs that are part time or worse nil hours is increasing.

Perhaps if you read my post properly grumpy then you would have seen the part where I said getting a ft might be difficult? Doesn't mean they cant keep trying does it? Op has already said she doesn't want to feel like a charity case or beggar so practical suggestions seem the way to help.

I didn't say she shouldn't look, just be realistic that there may not be a ft job anytime soon. Job hunting is depressing enough without approaching it with unrealistic expectations.

Not sure I understand your post Obmolov?

Totally understand your feelings. I feel like we are both constantly working just to get by. I never get my hair cut or buy new clothes and often feel embarrassed that DD doesn't own a single item of clothing that I bought new. She is dressed entirely in hand-me-downs from friends and charity shops. Rural poverty is worst in so many ways because the buses are shit and you have to walk miles to get to anything. It was much easier to be poor when I was in London, because a walk to the train station (for DS to look at trains) or the park or the library was free. But I know we aren't really poor. YANBU

Op this might be a bit personal but have you looked into iva's there are lots of charity iva companies about as well as private ones. They take all your incoming and outgoings into account and get in touch with everyone you're in debt with to agree a repayment program.

They take into account all your incoming and outgoings and set up a monthly fee based on this.

My bil lost his job and him and dsis went into an iva as their incomings were less than their outgoings. She wouldn't open post / answer the door / phone etc.
They now obviously aren't well off now but can afford to save a small amount each month to get things for the kids and are a lot less stressed.

It affects your credit rating for 5 years I think but I don't think she had much of one anyway by that point

We really struggled when dd1 was tiny. It was grinding. We worked so hard but had so little. We're in a different place now, everything they wear is still hand me downs, and none of their presents ever come in boxes because they're always second hand, but we are so much more comfortable than we were.
The reason things have got easier is just luck. DH has had a couple of promotions, as have I, and we managed, through a friend, to find a flat to rent for much less than it could be, with decent landlords who look after it really well.
I really hope you get a lucky break soon too.

Oblomov
Have been very poor.
Its the constant anxiety of every minute ,of every day, knowing, waiting for the one thing that tips the edge into unpaid bills, no food .
Constant grinding anxiety and despair. No way out ,no fucking way out.
Living from minute to minute let alone day to day.

Completely agree with catsmothers excellent post.

The only way I got out of it was there was a family bereavement which meant my DParents inherited some money, then they were randomly offered a run down house, for very cheap,they did it up, I moved in with cheap rent. Then Dmother was offered VS, and took it as she was only 3 years away from retiring, so I had free childcare. So I could apply for a better job, and I got it, which meant more money for me, but shift work that I couldn't of done without my Dmothers free childcare availble 24 hours a day. After this XH got a girlfriend, who encouraged him to AA which meant that he straightened out and now gives me child support.

Without that chain of events I wouldn't of been able to get out the trap....it was a random sequence of events that don't happen everyday and I am so grateful I was so lucky.

It's a horrible position to be in and I could never of got out of it alone. There is no easy answer, sometimes there is just NO answer, but people don't like admitting that

I could never have got out of it alone
Me neither but old habits die hard.
I cant believe people spend £3.99 on one coffee or pay for bottled water when you can turn on a tap.

FWIW, I'm with you OP, and it really is miserable down here, isn't it? I'm seriously considering hiding down the fields behind my house all day tomorrow as it's my birthday and people are threatening to visit. I have enough bread, milk, juice, fruit etc to last until I can go shopping but it won't if I have to make drinks and snacks for visitors and their children. I think many people just don't realise that having no money really does mean NO money. I can't afford to have a bloody birthday and that sucks! Hope you get a break soon :)

Really feel for you OP. Have been there. Please please accept the offers of help - I was so glad when I finally swallowed my pride and took the help offered and now I am in a better position to pay it forward to others.

How does anyone become this poor? I'm on benefits with 3dc and things are "ok". I'm not being nasty or anything I was just wondering so I don't fall into same trap

YANBU, being poor is awful. I know the feeling of spending every second worrying and wondering how you'll feed the electric meter, pay a bus fare, eat dinner.
NO-ONE should live like this in 2013.
I've been helped in the past by a lovely mner. Please let me pay it forward by sending your DD a coat that mine has grown out of?. It's Vintage darhhhling -at least 3rd hand!- but it lovely warm condition. Nothing I own is new and there is no shame in accepting offers of help. When you're back on your feet you can return the favour.
Much love to you and your lovely family OP.

earthmother - people can be much more poor than others depending on where they live and what debts they carry.

Somebody on benefits with even a small debt would find themselves in a far worse position than somebody else whose same benefit simply had to keep them and not pay off debt too.

Also, I think op said he/she was in Norfolk (may be wrong). They may be on oil central heating (far far more expensive to run than gas), and may live rurally and therefore have huge travel costs. Living rurally can be very very expensive. Some of the big cities (London) can be so expensive that money goes not very far at all. Even the main supermarket prices can change around the country.

I live in a very wealthy part of England, in a rural area. It costs a LOT to live here and if I lived somewhere else I would be far far better off as my money would go much further.

Scornedwoman happy birthday for tomorrow!!. My friends visited with their kids the other week ( 3 adults, 8 kids) my friend made juice for every child and every adult, I could have cried, that juice needed to last all week!. I felt so mean and tight, as I would only have offered them water.
Next time I shall tell them to bring their own, maybe you could ask your friends to pick up a pint of milk on the way, I'm sure they wouldn't mind.
Hope you have a lovely day.

Scornedwoman, Happy Birthday!
I understand just how you feel. My lovely friend wanted to drop by for a cup of coffee and a chat. That's exactly what she got..black coffee and way and lots of blah blah blah..I had no cake or sweets to offer her...

earthmother I understood that the OP and her husband both work two jobs each and do not live on benefits. Maybe they are stuck in that dreadful trap where they are worse off working than on benefits (this should never happen imo) but both want to work.

I too live in a very rural part of England and it is very expensive just to get about apart from anything else.

I'm not the political type really - but what can we do about this??

Have also lived on literally pennies, & it limited my options more than I'd want to go into right now. The difference was that I had no children to look after... A whole different kettle of fish...

As a complete aside, I'm no longer skint at all and it wouldn't even occur to me not to accept hand me downs... ! Nor would I have considered that some might be too proud to accept our hand-me-downs... People have always passes on kids clothes because they get so little wear, it just makes sense.

Back to my original point ... What to do about this? It's depressing and makes many of us feel powerless to help.

earthmother - I just don't seem to be able to earn enough money to make ends meet, not even when I worked full time. I overestimated what I could earn working from home. I had visions if LO playing happily while I cracked on, but the reality is that as soon as I get everything out, he needs me. Plus, I can't always manage to pay bills on time, so am often left with no phone, no internet and so no selling page. I think lone parents with one child are worse off than those with more children, as in, benefits/tax credits are triple for 3 children, but your rent doesn't triple and you don't have to put the oven on 3 times, tax 3 cars or heat the house 3 times, iyswim.