to think life is a HUNDRED times more difficult when you're POOR

[poorandworriedmum]

NC so i can have a good moan.

It's only summer and im already dreading winter. I can't afford Christmas, cant afford winter coats for DCs, or good enough boots, cant afford heating costs, cant afford bus fares to spare DCs havung to trudge everywhere in all weathers, cant afford to make hearty meals to keep us warm. Sick of living in a damp, mouldy cold cramped old flat that never gets warm, sick of paying rent for such a slum that makes DCs ill, sick of looking at our shabby things & seeing how few books and toys We can affrod to give our kids, sick of looking through a window that gets no light because the landlords tree presses against the glass and we arent allowed to touch it, sick of saying 'no sorry sweetheart we cant afford that' when they're not asking for a trip to Disneyland they're asking to ride ten miles on the bus to the free gallery for gods sake. Sick of the way small debts follow you for years, sick of feeling unable to support my two kids, sick of never ever ever having treats like a fish supper or a hot chocolate in a cafe. Sick of dreading letters home from school wanting two or three pounds for this or that because we are so chronically bones of our arse poor that we never have that spare. Wish I could treat my kids some times. My DD is 6 and sees the ads for Build A Bear Workshop and her eyes light up and I wish I could take her just once and leg her choose what ahe wants. My DS wants to go to a circus. Its beyond us to provide anything extra or special for them ever and I am so fucking sick of living hand to mouth. How much of a different life my kids could have if we werent spending all our income and then some keeping alive.

DH and I work four PT jobs between us, theyre all shit nd badly paid and we're both knackered (and my cleaning jobs have given me a prolapsed womb and bad back) and hardly see each other and what is the point when we cant even give our kids a pleasant chidhood?

Fuckisng sick of being second class citizen.

Well I could literally cry everytime I open DDs wardrobe. She has a rail full of clothes that have only been worn once, if at all. I would rather your DD had them than just leave them hanging there. My DD wouldn't even notice, really.
I also have a bin bag full of boys clothes that I have not got round to taking to the recycling place. It's all good stuff, just can't be arsed to do a car boot!
PM me too and I will send them. It's not charity, it's recycling.

OP, you might be too proud to accept help but sometimes, you've just got to do what's best for your family/children and if that means accepting external help/handouts, just do it. It doesn't mean you have to do it forever, just until you get back on your feet.

YANBU it is shit and soul destroying. I've been there and live in fear of going back. Friends laugh at my little ways but I need to keep my savings pot up as the fear becomes overwhelming. My heart still goes into my mouth when the post comes or an unknown number rings, I'm like Pavlovs sodding dog.

What makes me most angry is the pointless middle class money saving advice, which remains totally oblivious to the fact that you need a certain amount of money to be truly frugal. When you're living hand to mouth you have to pay the most for everything. You can't buy bulk or stock up on really good deals or fill your freezer (if you have/can afford one) with reductions when you're making a decision between food for now and heating.

One of my low points was when my washing machine packed up. Couldn't get one on freecycle as I couldn't transport one on the bus even if available. My credit rating was shot so a cheapy from argos/tesco was out of the question and it would cost more than a months food/bill money to buy a good deal. Of course the clueless wankers will trill about using the launderette, there are practically no fucking launderettes, my nearest was an hour on the bus (£6 day ticket). Once there it cost me £10 to wash and dry a weeks washing, couldn't leave it wet as it would never dry in a damp flat. I had no choice but to buy a machine from the Brighthouse vultures as it only cost £5.50 a week. A machine that I could have got new for £160 ended up costing over £500. The poor get shafted again and again.

Then there is the well meaning advice about finding a better paid job (why didn't I think of that ) or retraining. Retraining is so simple to fit in around all the minimum wage crap jobs and doesn't cost a penny after all.

That turned into quite a rant but I'm with you OP its crap. I'm keeping everything crossed that you find a way out.

poorandworried I know somebody in rural Norfolk who might know of places you can get some help with toys and clothes for the children, would you like me to make enquiries?

We struggle to. Not as bad as some admittedly. With you and thinking of you x

DH would die of shame to have pity packages arriving

You and dh put your pride in your pockets, not for ever, just for now.

There are a lot of people on here who have things to give away. Why do you feel less worthy of receiving them as someone else?

MNHQ
Is there a way of sorting something where those with can buy a Xmas toy for those who have very little? I'm thinking of something like the shoebox schemes (don't get me started on Samaritan's purse).

Could I send something to MNHQ with some extra postage and HQ pass it on to a family, so that there is no shame in sharing addresses, not that there should be any shame.

Sassh - the Christmas gifting happens every single year and has done for ages

Link this and send to your local MP. Direct them to read it out in the House of Commons to ask what the Government to suggest solutions to your awful situation (I'd wait until they all return from their holidays, mind)

The government doesn't care.

Op

If it helps at all - I grew up in very poor circumstances. We had nothing.
But it didn't make me a bad person, a sad person or a terrible adult.

I really sympathise with your situation, it utterly sucks. But the fact that you love your family, that you work hard and care so deeply will have a far greater impact on your DC than anything else when they are adults..

OP, YANBU. Fwiw, we are not hard up but I regularly accept "hand me downs" (clothes and toys) from friends who have older kids than mine. It would never occur to me not to accept. Perhaps you could consider it a temporary loan and then pass it on to others when you have finished with it?

sashh Check out the old Christmas present threads (unless they're in Chat - can't remember). Heartwarming stuff and buying a MNer a gift is one of the things that heralds the season in this house.

I'm so sorry to read your posts OP. I hope the advice others have given you bears fruit.

I feel for you OP, I have spent my adult life worrying about money! . My DC have all left home now but I'm still skint! I nearly committed murder on a colleague..a retired millionaire who decided he was bored and wanted a 'easy' job so took a NMW job...told me its only about budgeting! and he tramples over the rest of us the get commission
Just a couple of suggestions....I found a local charity when my DC were young that paid for DCs to do activities, DD did karate, DS2 did music lessons. DS1 went to a football club that didn't charge for training. A group of mums at playgroup/school did clothes swops of outgrown but good condition clothes. We then passed them on. My DC had the activities other kids did but we were are constantly struggling.
Good luck OP, rant on here when you need to!

Oh OP, it is shit isn't it.

I second what others have said about your entitlement, use this calculator. You sound like you should be entitled to working tax credits, housing benefit and council tax benefit.

Also have you spoken to the council housing about local landlords that accept housing benefit? Some of them have a list if your place is that bad. Their environmental housing department might be of help to you too if landlord is shirking on maintenance, they deal with private landlords.

I buy most of my kids stuff on Ebay, large clothes bundles are often really cheap as are toy bundles.

Look girls winter coats.

I also got dd snowboots for a fiver on Ebay last winter.

Second hand DESIGNABEAR/buildabear on Ebay. Argos do DESIGNABEAR for £12.99 a bear, outfits are £9.99 similar to buildabear.

Hello OP, You're certainly not alone I'm dreading the winter the baby needs kitting out but I can't afford eBay postage anymore I'll get to the charity shops as soon as I can afford to but DD needs new school uniform first. Sometimes it feels like I'm prioritizing one child over the other of course I'm not but baby has basics and I just can't take the very loud judgement of the other parents if DD isn't wearing new nice stuff again this year she's outcast enough and shouldn't pay for my mistakes.

For days out perhaps a cheap flask from Wilko's filled with homemade soup and an adventure in the woods. Being poor might feel like a criminal offence most days but children need love and affection far far more than they need material goods I try to tell myself that everyday. It's hard though I want so much more for them and they deserve so much more than I can give them. I just wish I could stop other peoples judgement on them its my fault we are this way not theirs judge me not them.

OP, would it help to think of all the offers of stuff as mumsnet freecycle?

Dear OP, I hope you're reading these.

I was brought up with very little money, but it's only how I realise how much my parents struggled because I had good hot food and trips to free museums and library books, and activities, and we were LOVED.

I have also suffered dreadful poverty as an adult and I know only too well how grinding, panicking and utterly bloody boring it bloody is.

Zombie is spot on - think of it as MN freecycle. If you let people send you just a thing or two, you're helping people get rid of some clutter.

I don't have kids' things, but if you're a similar size to me I have unworn clothes - things like ASOS midi skirts from this season etc. - that I am desperate to get rid of.

If you're willing to be a really kind generous soul and let some MNers send you just the odd package, please post here and let us know.

Look: it's a horrible world out there full of awful people doing awful things. It's lovely when just sometimes we humans get a chance to help each other x

Peach how old is your baby? Boy or girl?

Another 16 weeks tomorrow beautiful droopy teething baby boy. I've never done so much washing and never hated these awful prepayment metres more still stops us gaining more debt so every cloud

OP I am also in rural Norfolk and you would be doing me a massive favour if you would accept some of the toys my dcs have grown out of but are still v nice. You could always sell them on if you like. It's warm here at the moment so I hope you aren't too cold but winter was relentless wasn't it?

I don't live in Norfolk but more than happy to send some bits to make you and your family smile! Everyone deserves a treat and a bit of a break. Your DH doesn't even have to know if he would find it awkward. It's not nice being poor I have been there.x

Carboots are great for clothes bargains, I went to one about 10.30-11 last week, got a massive pile of desperately needed clothes for me and ds and a few immaculate toys to put away for Xmas. I spent £7 much cheaper than charity shops.
Also jobs, I've always had low paid jobs, but a year ago I started working in a restaurant pub, I'd never done that type of work before. Although it's minimum wage, the tips really boost my wages up and I can work the hours round my dc and school runs. I use the tips for treats and keep them in a jar at home.

It seems from the other posters on here YANBU. There are so many people in a similar situation to you.

If DH won't accept the gift because he would be embarrassed, could you say that you traded them with another mum? They had a DC who needed clothes that your DC had grown out of and you took their clothes that their DC had grown out of? You could make the ages of the DC work if that makes sense. That way it looks like you have done someone else a favour as well and it won't feel like charity.

OP are you still there? I hope you will accept the offers for clothes etc. there is absolutely no shame in this. I have children the same ages and would love to send you some things. Can I pm you?

Rural poverty sucks, especially as there's usually not boot sales, Aldi, good charity shops in walking distance and public transport is very limited and/or expensive.

The whole 'just move' thing.

About people with no or low credit scores (hard for poor to access credit), no guarantor and who need full or partial housing benefit. And have no money or means to save for moving costs.

'Just move' then.