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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why we were not invited?

471 replies

cantsleep · 14/08/2013 19:52

To dh birthday meal/party?

MIL arranged a meal/cake/party at a local pub for dh. She went to a lot of trouble apparently making sure dh nieces and nephews were invited but somehow forgot to invite me or dcs despite the fact we talk regularly and I had only told her the day before what cake dcs had chosen for dh?

As far as I know I have not offended her so am surprised I was not told about it.

Dh didn't go and as a result MIL is not speaking to him.

OP posts:
GloriousGoosebumps · 14/08/2013 20:21

I'm curious to know what your MIL did when she realised she had completely unintentionally failed to invite you and the children to the birthday party. Did she phone you, apologise and ask you all to hop into a taxi and join them or wasn't she bothered? I assume it was the latter as your husband didn't stay.

ENormaSnob · 14/08/2013 20:22

Mil is way out of line.

Tbh, I would find it odd her planning a do regardless of whether you were invited or not.

revealall · 14/08/2013 20:23

Who else was at this "meal/cake/party"? Just her just the brother his children and her?

waltzingmathilda · 14/08/2013 20:23

I would assume - by having conversations and discussions between MIL and yourself that MIL was under the illusion that you and she were indeed co-planning the party.

I have to say, from my perspective, you and DH are coming across as the odd couple here. Who sends formal invitations to close family to parties?

whattodoo · 14/08/2013 20:23

So was the party supposed to happen during your DH's lunch break?
Completely bizarre!

Original poster
cantsleep · 14/08/2013 20:24

We were not having a party at home dcs just got him a cake and a little present.

I had spoken to sil the day before as well and she hadn't mentioned it either although she is usually lovely so may have assumed mil was inviting peiple as she was arranging it all?

Nieces and nephews were from dh brothers previous relationship not his current one so they had been collected earlier in the day from their mums apparently.

Dh doesn't want to talk about it, I'm really confused.

OP posts:
IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 14/08/2013 20:24

You really dont think ot was a missunderstanding and she expected you all to come together?

If not is there a back story here?

mrsminiverscharlady · 14/08/2013 20:25

Who sends formal invitations to close family to parties?

Huh? Even the closest of families doesn't operate using telepathy? How would the OP know about it she hadn't been told?!

pigletmania · 14/08/2013 20:25

She is angry, that is just shit. Dd she think that your dh would enjoy his birthday party knowing his wife and chi'dren were not invited Shock. Sh took te trouble to invite everybody lse but his immediate family, sounds spiteful!

WeAll · 14/08/2013 20:25

How awful for your DH. :(

DioneTheDiabolist · 14/08/2013 20:25

Very odd. She must have said something when your DH asked where you and the DCs were.Confused

IAmNotAMindReader · 14/08/2013 20:27

Can't have been that close a family thing, you can't get much closer than your own wife and kids, nieces and nephews were there.

To walk in on a surprise party and for your own family not to be there is very strange. If it was work or friends related fine. But for your own mother to exclude your children and wife is incomprehensible.

Answers need to come from somewhere maybe your DH should approach a sibling to find out what she was thinking.
I can understand if she had forgotten or just assumed you knew being upset about it and a mad dash to get you and the kids there but to be angry? That was designed to exclude.

pigletmania · 14/08/2013 20:28

It's odd that other people did nt mention to you before, we're they sworn to silence from MIL.

WandaDoff · 14/08/2013 20:28

How odd.

SpottyDottie · 14/08/2013 20:28

Something has occurred that we dont know about which is why she doesn't like you so much Sad but I have to admire your DH for having the balls to up and leave like that!

lborolass · 14/08/2013 20:28

It's a bit odd that he doesn't want to talk about it, that suggests to me that something was said about you before he left which wasn't very nice and he's trying to protect you.

Was it a "big" birthday or do she always surprise him?

Poppyhat · 14/08/2013 20:28

I would be devastated if my mil did that to me!
And I suspect she would love to try, but my dh would have done the same as yours thankfully.
Reveall.. You seem to have a different take on this , I can't see where there was another meal/party arranged by the op ?

RedPencils · 14/08/2013 20:31

How wierd. Is there a history between you two? Any reason why she would do this?

sweetestcup · 14/08/2013 20:31

This is all bizarre - she either assumed you didn't need an invitation and would just turn up - were you aware of details? - or she left you out deliberately - apart from being nasty, if this is the case what did she think your DHJ would actually say or do about this once he noticed you and the kids weren't there? Confused

Tweasels · 14/08/2013 20:31

Hang on a minute.

When DH arrived and realised you weren't there he must have said "where is cantsleep and my children?"

MIL would have then had to give a reason

He can't have just walked in, noticed you weren't there and walked out again.

Are you sure this isn't just some monumental misunderstanding? Just ring MIL and ask.

TerribleTantrums · 14/08/2013 20:32

I hope it was some sort of awful misunderstanding. Perhaps they all agreed to not to mention it to you because they felt it would be difficult for you to keep it a secret from your DH. But then on the day everyone forgot that you hadn't been told or assumed that somebody else was responsible for collecting you.

Personally I think there is all sorts of odd behaviour here. Surprise parties are just generally odd and controlling on the part of the organiser (can you tell that I hate surprises). Adults don't generally have birthday parties except for the milestones anyway (has he just turned a decade?). And finally, if you were going to be weird and organise this sort of party anyway, why on earth wouldn't you involve the birthday man's spouse in the organisation?

Original poster
cantsleep · 14/08/2013 20:32

I didn't even know about it untill about 4pm this afternoon. Nobody from dh family has been in contact at all.

It is all very odd. Only thing I can think it might be is that there were 'words' between dh and mil a couple of weeks ago but it was nothing serious and got resolved afaik (dh booked me a spa day with sil and dd1 MIL got angry that sil dd was not invited but it all got resolved).

Nothing else has happened, MIL texts regularly I had told her what dcs got for dh etc etc we had a laugh that dd2 had picked a pink disney princess birthday cake.

I really do not understand. Dh was really not himself all aft/evening yesterday he must have been so hurt he barely spoke and I was really concerned he was ill or something.

OP posts:
LoveBeingItsABoy · 14/08/2013 20:37

Don't push him, it will all come out.

KnittedC · 14/08/2013 20:38

How horrible for you, good on your DH for sticking up for you and walking out. I hope you get to the bottom of it soon.

Original poster
cantsleep · 14/08/2013 20:39

It was MIL, SIL and her 2 dcs, BIL and his 5 dcs and dp. Dhs cousins (4 of them) dh uncle and some family friends.

It wasn't that I had not received a 'formal invitation' I didn't have a clue anything was even planned!

MIL has been excepptionally quiet yest and today-should I contact her and ask what happened?

OP posts: