Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why we were not invited?

471 replies

cantsleep · 14/08/2013 19:52

To dh birthday meal/party?

MIL arranged a meal/cake/party at a local pub for dh. She went to a lot of trouble apparently making sure dh nieces and nephews were invited but somehow forgot to invite me or dcs despite the fact we talk regularly and I had only told her the day before what cake dcs had chosen for dh?

As far as I know I have not offended her so am surprised I was not told about it.

Dh didn't go and as a result MIL is not speaking to him.

OP posts:
Morloth · 15/08/2013 09:49

So ignore them.

You don't owe them anything you know.

If you can't actually bring yourself to cut contact then write them off in your head as the 'mad old relatives' and have a giggle over pretty much everything they say/think/do.

Otherwise you are just going to continue with this poison in your life/relationship.

Personally I would have been done with MIL years ago. Be careful your indulgence of her is not costing your DH/DCs too much...

DontActuallyLikePrunes · 15/08/2013 09:49

I'm another one with a MIL who likes a lot of kowtowing.
I don't kowtow. I meet people with friendliness and openness, but I will not kowtow.
MIL hates this.
SIL (who is very nice I think ) has a mask thing going on and is great at being quiet and pleasant and acquiescent. MIL adores her! Quelle surprise.

Agree that there would have been no 'nipping it in the bud' with this one. Call it bad luck. And how lovely that you have a happy family unit yourself.

Is moving an option? (serious question!)

Original poster
cantsleep · 15/08/2013 09:57

We could move but it would be difficult as dcs are all very settled in their schools and dh has his job he is really happy there.

I think it will just be better to ignore mil. Obviously I can't make that decision for dh but the dcs won't be seeing her that's for sure.

OP posts:
Redlocks30 · 15/08/2013 09:58

I think now is time to not see them any more-they sound toxic.

Are your children DH's step children?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 15/08/2013 10:02

No Redlocks, as I understand they are DH's children, MIL's own DGC !

Didactylos · 15/08/2013 10:02

cantsleep - you sound a lovely person and you should be proud of your husband for showing his loyalty to you and walking out, that cant have been easy because he will have had years of being conditioned to accept MILs behaviour

I think you are handling things wonderfully, and your calmness and support of your husband in letting him work through things is probably the best strategy in that you are demonstrating you are the supportive and reasonable (which is a nice contrast to his mother whos the bitch whos put him into this uncomfortable situation)

Someone upthread posted some predictions of how MIL will probably behave - and its often pretty predictable. Does anyone else remember these threads from thishasupsetme? another Mnetter whos similarly manipulative MIL was acting in the same way, trying to cut out her DIL and control her DS, and they might be worth a read to see how she might play things

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/642468-I-39-ve-just-received-a-text-from-MIL-which

just received a text from MIL which I think was meant for DH and it has upset me. PART TWO

Longdistance · 15/08/2013 10:15

I'm just Shock at this, that another human being could be so vile.

I do think your dh is amazing. What a lovely lovely chap he is.

I have come across a similar scenario with my Aunt, who proceeded to be hideously awful to my cousins wife. My Aunt refused to accept my cousin had a 'new' family. He was an only child, and was very spoilt in, that whatever he wanted he got. The when he married his wife moved into the flat his parents bought for him, they had two dc, and then decide to build above my Aunts house ( a very common thing in my aunts country to do), all was good, but it soon turned sour. Unfortunately, his dw went a bit off, and they ended up divorcing, as my aunt was unbearable to live with. When my aunt mentions her slags her off I roll my eyes as feel sorry for his ex wife.

stopandgo · 15/08/2013 10:22

Just adding to those commenting that you're handling this well, you arent responsible for someone else's hideous behaviour!

I recognise the look you describe on your DH's face from our own years of inconsiderate, unfair and completely bizarre in-law behaviour. We have wasted hours or probably days of our lives wondering if we were in fact wrong or unreasonable, deciding if should we confront them... It is exhausting and of course worse for DH. Ultimately it was them treating the DCs very unequally that made me draw the line, I tolerate brief visits a couple of times a year because I feel that DH needs us with him (even though inlaws would be happy with just him!)

Best of luck deciding on finding a way forward.

lovestogarden · 15/08/2013 10:22

Gawd, families! Do some of these people actually think that they are doing anyone a favour?

ViviPru · 15/08/2013 10:24

Wow Didactylos the situation in that thread you linked to was in equal parts horrendous and similar to this....

throckenholt · 15/08/2013 10:50

I hadn't realised class means so much to some people.

For your own sanity I think you both need to distance yourselves from families for a while at least. I woud say to DH I am sorry both families are being so difficult and suggest you keep to yourselves for now.

No idea how MIL expected DH to just happily join in a birthday surprise once he realised his own family had been deliberately excluded. Must have been intensely embarassing for everyone involved. If it was me, I would have been livid with what my Mum had arranged.

DontActuallyLikePrunes · 15/08/2013 10:52

Going by the pattern described in that other thread, you can expect her to be quite ill soon.

diddl · 15/08/2013 11:03

"you can expect her to be quite ill soon."

But sadly not reallyBlush

Wonder how the OP from the other threads is getting on?

DontActuallyLikePrunes · 15/08/2013 11:04

Yes I wondered that too. If you're on this thread, ThisHasUpsetMe, could you namechange and give us an update? (Apologies for hijacking Grin )

Didactylos · 15/08/2013 11:04

its astonishing how people can not only behave like this but can be so predictable when they are doing it

pigletmania · 15/08/2013 11:10

Look can't sleep you have done nothing wrong, it's all to do with her and her feelings, she dident like you from the outset because of who you are! All her issues are her problem, your dh is a diamond and he and your ds are all you need in your life not toxic parents. Don't have anything to do with any of them, if you want a quiet life, stay away from them, no seeing no contact, it's up to your dh if he wants to see them himself

DeckSwabber · 15/08/2013 11:11

I think your MiL is going to be smarting from the humiliation of her son walking out like that. Her plan has backfired on her in a spectacular manner.

Be prepared for a lot of fallout.

I really feel for your husband - I can't imagine what he's going through.

YouTheCat · 15/08/2013 11:14

I wouldn't meet with your sil tbh.

You just know that the mil will have been calling all and sundry, gathering support and playing the 'poor me' card.

Crinkle77 · 15/08/2013 11:18

God I feel so awful and don't really know what advice to give you. I think you are very lucky to have such a supportive husband who was willing to stand up to his mother and defend you. All I can suggest is that you don't retaliate, keep a dignified silence and hold your head up high.

Crinkle77 · 15/08/2013 11:18

Meant to say god how awful for you

Loa · 15/08/2013 11:26

At home when its me, dh and dcs everything is fine. No dramas, no problems but as soon as either of our families are involved in anything it goes wrong. Seems to revolve around dm and mil causing problems.

God I feel sorry for you.

I have/had issues - absolutely no where near as bad - with my IL and DP both very controlling/undermining came to fore with us having DC - and it is shit. Especially as it so easy to forget and forgive and get sucked into everything again.

Try and keep the wider family at arms length. TBH I'd be very unforgiving with all the wider IL as well - as they could easily have spoken up or offer you DH and you support.

On positive side MIL has been so OTT you don't have to engage ever again.

I watched my Mother endure years of polite subtle and not so subtle put downs from her MIL my Grandmother. In old age it was my mum she shouted for and had to deal with the unpleasantness that accompanied that. Made my mum bitter and very difficult and many of the worse behaviors she picked up for us to cope with now.

Loa · 15/08/2013 11:27

I hope you get some good news about your health soon as well.

impatienttobemummy · 15/08/2013 12:12

Please don't try to rationalise for her.. She is a nutter. An evil nutter. Believe me the best thing u can do is focus on ur immediate family unit as in the future that will be all that matters, ur DC and your children's DC. That's how I deal with these issues thinking a new start begins with our generation the last one blew its chances to be part of it and I'm damn sure I won't let anyone ruin this!

Extended family is overrated, focus on good friends invite them to birthdays etc dont let these people take advantage of ur good nature anymore. If my DM treated my DH and DC like this it would be an easy decision. I'd cut her out. She needs it. Take care of yourself

pigletmania · 15/08/2013 13:22

She did you an almighty favour, you have no need to have anything to do with her or the toxic family again

Rooners · 15/08/2013 13:32

Can I just say, having just read this thread how wonderfully loyal and lovely your DH sounds.

You are both so dignified.

I hope that you can detach in your mind and not be bothered by what she says and does any more. You don't need to move house. Just stop her from affecting you, by detaching.

Hope that makes some sort of sense. It sounds like she needs pity and your silence is the absolute best way you could possibly handle what she has said and done.