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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why we were not invited?

471 replies

cantsleep · 14/08/2013 19:52

To dh birthday meal/party?

MIL arranged a meal/cake/party at a local pub for dh. She went to a lot of trouble apparently making sure dh nieces and nephews were invited but somehow forgot to invite me or dcs despite the fact we talk regularly and I had only told her the day before what cake dcs had chosen for dh?

As far as I know I have not offended her so am surprised I was not told about it.

Dh didn't go and as a result MIL is not speaking to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantsleep · 15/08/2013 08:35

Dh didnt really speak much more about it last night and we had a bit of a difficult night with one of dcs not feeling well so have not had a chance to ask him how hes feeling.

He went off to work quite early but seemed ok and at least he is talking again-I was so worried how quiet/upset he was on his birthday and yesterday.

At least I know where I stand. I still feel a bit stupid for being taken in by mil recently, I really thought we were getting on so much better.

OP posts:
redexpat · 15/08/2013 08:35

Either she thought she had invited you - you kow when you plan a conversation in your head and then forget to have it?

OR she did it on purpose. Perhaps out of spite, or some other bonkers reason.

Does she have form for one or the other?

redexpat · 15/08/2013 08:36

Oops did not notice the other pages - forgive me MN for I have sinned Blush. Of to read the other pages now.

KeatsiePie · 15/08/2013 08:44

Glad your DH seems a little better, and hope your DC is well soon. It's great that the two of you are so solidly supportive of each other. I hope you can have a nice quiet night together soon after all this as it sounds like you both need a break from the family-related drama and hassle of recent events!

fluffyraggies · 15/08/2013 08:46

As for who knew you hadn't been invited OP - i think it's hard to guess at.

I'd really be wanting a detailed account of what happened when your DH turned up at the party.

DH may have walked in, everyone said ''surprise'', and he's looked around for cant, seen she's not there - said to the masses 'Where's cant?' and they've all shuffled their feet and admitted OP wasn't invited ... DH storms off.

OR

DH could have walked in, gone straight up to MIL and quietly said 'where's cantsleep?' MIL's said 'oh, we didn't invite her' and DH has walked out.

This ^^ would leave MIL to say whatever she likes to the rest of the guests. ie: ''DH has had to go home as Cantsleep doesn't want him here!'', or something equally evil. They'd be none the wiser today about how badly cant has been treated.

fluffyraggies · 15/08/2013 08:47

But yes! I agree - don't grill your DH. YOu'll find out it time what went on. I'm glad he's more himself. You both deserve a big unmumnetty (HUG) :)

BoffinMum · 15/08/2013 08:49

Cantsleep, not only is this woman a manipulative loon, but the fact the family haven't told her to drop all this nonsense probably says something about them as well. Thank goodness your DH sounds normal.

In the meantime, being very dignified and refusing to engage with any games is the only way forward (hard though that is). I say that, I probably would have run over her with a shopping trolley by now, or emigrated. Wink

Stupid cow.

redexpat · 15/08/2013 08:54

Ok I've read the other pages and option 2 - she did it on purpose - seems to be most accurate here.

She's trying to pull him away from you, and all the time pushing him towards you. I think this will eventually culminate in your DH having to make a choice between her and you. The fact that he walked out of the party shows that a. he is wonderful and b. he will choose you over her.

So now your DH has a choice to make. Does he want to continue having a relationship with his mother, or does he want to cut her out. If he wants to have a relationship then there is a lot of work ahead which will involve counselling etc, but I can't see your MIL ever admitting to doing anything wrong. So building bridges is going to be difficult to say the least. I don't really see how you can continue to have a relationship with her when she has said and done so many things in the past.

Good luck with the consultant.

DontActuallyLikePrunes · 15/08/2013 09:03

There's so much going on in your family dynamics.
I agree with whoever said you have to protect yourselves.

Let's say BIL and SIL didn't know what was going on, let's say MIL lied to them and let's imagine they are similarly horrified by what she's done. They haven't been in touch with their brother to find out how he is and to explain and apologise.

I think that's behaviour that you need to protect yourselves against. You as a family, and as individual people, are not being cared about, looked out for. Whatever the reason is (and a mad MIL sounds like a good enough reason, lord knows I have one as well and I do wonder where she would draw the line sometimes!) it is time to withdraw from them.

What's so sad about this is that they don't even seem interested in your reactions. People tend to plan scenarios in order to get a reaction from someone they want to offend whilst making sure the person can't speak out and if they do, they look like a twat. You know the sort of thing, child-free wedding with some children there, if you don't like it then you're unreasonable, if you question it you're unreasonable, so you have to take the slight.

This is different in that they've planned it and not actually taken into account the fact that your DH clearly loves his wife and children: what's made them just overlook this?! It's quite quite mad.

And Flowers to your DH, btw.

WireCat · 15/08/2013 09:04

Apologies, I am only half way down page 7 of this thread.

But your MiL is an utter bitch. She knows what she's playing at.

Your dh is fabulous for walking out, he's a good 'un.

As for referring to you & your children as "you lot". I'd be utterly furious.

In fact,I am furious on your behalf.

I will now read the rest of the thread. I couldn't get any further without replying & may have put my foot in it if there are any further developments.

phantomnamechanger · 15/08/2013 09:08

OMG she is totally insane!

I have read some things about controlling MILs who don't want to let go of their baby but OMG this takes the biscuit. I have seen MILs who "expect" to be invited round for tea and cake on their baby's birthday etc (and sulk or cry about being lonely etc), rather than (as we have it), sometimes they do sometimes they don't come round for birthday tea, depending what else we have planned. I know for certain MY MIL has no expectations of her "rights" but is just grateful when we do include her in anything from a day out, panto, party, weeks holiday or Christmas day.

If the rest of them cannot see how utterly vile this was, and try to defend her AT ALL - then cut them out.

No wonder BIL has an "ex" - would LOVE to know the backstory there as I am sure MIL had input!

Your DH must be feeling so hurt by this, look after each other. He stood up to her, she thought he would have to go along with it and she would have scored a massive point against you, but he didn't so YOU "won" - best of luck to you both.

pigletmania · 15/08/2013 09:11

Well can't sleep, it's been staring you in te face all along, when you think about it makes sense. They are ALL bloody toxic the lot of em, my patience would have gone after the firstvChristening, when they totally disrespected you and your family, there would have been no invite to DS2,christening. you have been too bloody nice to the point of being a doormat (sorry yousound lovely, they don't deserve you). Don't waste anymore effort on them, cut them dead, leave dh to hav a relationship with them if he wants. Theyballsound spiteful and jealous

lordleofric · 15/08/2013 09:12

I wonder how she treated your DH's "lovely exes".

diddl · 15/08/2013 09:12

What a sad situation & what a bitch of a MIL!

If MIL wanted a bday meal with her son/other "children", I could accept that.

But once other partners/GC have been invited, then it's an obvious snub...

JugglingFromHereToThere · 15/08/2013 09:13

cantsleep - very telling that MIL made lots of remarks about you "taking her baby" on your wedding day. I think those powerful but immature feelings are the crux of things.

Ironic too that on the one hand she keeps telling you you are not good enough for DH (blimin cheek !) but on the other hand she was saying DH now thought he was better than everyone else in the family because he'd married you from such a posh area !

Try not to take it personally - I really think it's all about her issues and she'd be the same with anyone who "took her baby away" (such a negative way to look at your DS growing up and starting a family of his own !)

Dackyduddles · 15/08/2013 09:17

Wow.

She's nuts.

Sorry for you op.

Original poster
cantsleep · 15/08/2013 09:24

I think I have been a bit of a doormat but we are so busy with dcs/work etc that it didn't seem worth it wasting time confronting mil about any of it. I wish I had now and perhaps it wouldn't have got so bad.

I think mil has a lot of time on her hands to sit around and think (or plot against me!) Which hasn't helped her. Bil ex apparently "destroyed his confidence" as well and she approves of his latest partner and they get on very very well so not sure why she dislikes me so much as there has never been any huge fallings out.

OP posts:
DontActuallyLikePrunes · 15/08/2013 09:27

I don't think you need to look for a reason beyond 'she is nuts' and 'she wants attention that I have not given her'.

Trigglesx · 15/08/2013 09:28

With some people, it doesn't matter if you try to "nip it in the bud early" or not. It's not "if" it all falls to shit, it's WHEN. SIL is prime example - she is a blow up waiting to happen. I could easily tear strips off her and publicly humiliate her with all the shit she's stirred, but I'm not willing to engage that much in the nonsense. Plus, it would upset my MIL, who is a lovely woman. Where SIL acquired her attitude and behaviour is anyone's guess Hmm as MIL and FIL (now deceased) have always been lovely. SIL would look at me blowing up at her as proof that I'm the horrible person she thinks I am. I'll take the high road and ignore, for the most part. If she shows up at MIL's when I'm there, I suddenly think of somewhere I have to be, make my excuses, and leave politely.

I'm not feeding her fetish. She's the one that looks neurotic.

Original poster
cantsleep · 15/08/2013 09:38

Its so difficult. I just want a nice quiet life where everybody gets on and dcs are happy and it all goes well.

At home when its me, dh and dcs everything is fine. No dramas, no problems but as soon as either of our families are involved in anything it goes wrong. Seems to revolve around dm and mil causing problems.

From the very beginning all I got from my mum was " why him?? He is not from the same social standing/class as us, I married one up from my class marrying your father why on earth are you marrying DOWN" all that sort of crap.

Dh got it the other way "she's not good enough, she's not 'like us', she thinks she's better than us and you do too now you are with her".

They seem to ignore the fact we are quite happy together !

OP posts:
grumpyoldbat · 15/08/2013 09:39

I'm willing to bet that had cantsleep and her DH split in the early days and he'd married someone else then his mum would be telling his DW how wonderful cantsleep was.

The MIL is just twisted and evil. She'll say wahatever it takes to get her own way.

MalcolmTuckersMistress · 15/08/2013 09:40

She sounds like a poisonous troll! How absolutely horrible for you to have to deal with that. It sounds as if you have a fantastically solid relationship with your DH though. Do you think that she had a hand in the demise of BIL's relationship break up too?

PedantMarina · 15/08/2013 09:41

I only got up to page 4, I think, so apols is massive cross-post, but I can't shake the image of an unsuspecting man walking into a pub to find various family members, headed up by somebody saying: "we think xxx is bad for you".

Dress it up with as many balloons as you like, that's not a party, that's a fucking intervention.

Cantsleep, you're handling this so well, and one of the many things about that that leaves me aghast and agog is how non-mental your DH is. Well done, the two of you.

ViviPru · 15/08/2013 09:41

Doesn't sound to me like you've been a doormat. You've been getting on with your lives, it's not your lookout to check her behaviour all the time.

I read the spa thread, it seems she has been getting increasingly frustrated of late with your (you & DHs) gradual growing unwillingness to acquiesce to her demands, and this is the manifestation of her frustrations. Perhaps the only way to have avoided this DH birthday fiasco would be to have constantly kowtow to her and jumped to her every whim, but you're right not to have. That's probably what the in-favour SIL does as does mine

QOD · 15/08/2013 09:44

You need to stop making excuses for her, stop. She's a nasty vindictive woman, your children should not spend time with her alone as lord only knows what she'll say or do.
Let your husban pd cool down and decide what he wants,but seriously, step back, stop trying to rationalise her behaviour, its nOT rational!

You sound normal and nice, just cut ties.

What a fecking bitch