to be riled by this comment from a colleague?

[dancingwithmyselfandthecat]

Someone I manage has requested emergency leave (unpaid - for the next couple of weeks) because her childcare arrangement for the holidays has fallen through.

I said that I would bring it up with my manager as soon as I could today, but explained that it is unlikely we will be able to accommodate the request because we are low staffed anyway (what with it being August and having accommodated other people's planned leave requests) and have some big deadlines coming up. I said that we may be able to meet her halfway, but she may need to make other arrangements, and if she needed some time today to ring around that would be fine.

To which she replied "Well, there's no way I can ask my husband because he earns more than me and has the more important job".

Now, I won't take this comment into consideration one way or another, but AIBU to be annoyed by it? From our perspective, she is a well-paid, full time employee with responsibilities. It is neither here nor there as to whether in a private context she and her DH consider him to be the "dominant" worker. And from a women-in-the-workplace/feminist perspective, what hope do we have of gaining greater equality when women treat their professional responsibilities in this way?

Personally I'd give her 3 days emergency leave to the weekend, then its a/l.

That is well within the law (afaik) and it will be interesting to see whether when she is faced with no a/l for a long time, either she suddenly finds childcare or her dh suddenly doesn't have as important a job.

Holidays - without going into why, she doesn't have enough A/L to cover it.

Nickel - yes, those are the options I need to clear with HR and my manager. I hadn't thought that about her husband not knowing. None of my business, of course.

It's the way she said it that would irritate me. If she had said, 'I really hope you can accommodate it because DH's salary is a lot higher and we'd find it hard to lose that much extra money', it would have been fine. Of course it's reasonable to bring up home issues in a work context, but not in a way that suggests you don't give a shit about your job. I once had a team member ask for the whole summer off unpaid, as their wife (who didn't work) was really really struggling. They didn't do it in a way that suggested their job was irrelevant to them though.

I also realised that holidays mean you are short staffed. I think to the weekend off is a good idea, then no more.

Let us know what you decide?

Anyone betting she'll mysteriously be sick if she doesn't get her way?

I suspect you'll find out a lot about her true committment by her reaction to your proposed accomodations. If she is committed, but in a difficult circumstance, she'll be extremely pleased and think you're a great employer. If she's uncommitted (as she might well be from some of your posts about her attitude), she'll complain that all your accommodations aren't suitable and keep on about getting a full 2 weeks unpaid leave.

If you need to make employee cuts I think you know which one should go!

OP won't you be up on a disciplinary yourself if the woman finds this thread?

To be honest I'd be fuming if I discovered my manager calling my attitude 'negative/careless' and discussing a private conversation with people on the internet.

Anonymously?

It probably just came out wrong but it did sound unprofessional. What she probably meant to say is that there is no way her husband will take time off to sort out their childcare because he earns a lot more than her. It's quite a common attitude even if she has a reasonably paid job. So even though her job is presumably important to your company and probably really is to her, it may not be so much to him and she is expected to take care of any childcare difficulties. If she argues for an equal split on taking leave in times of emergencies, she will probably hear something along the lines of 'when you are as senior as I am and earning in this range, then we can talk about equal time off".

I think the key word here is "emergency". Yes, in an ideal world the lower paid worker would take leave (be that the man or the woman) but where there is a neeed of course he should be expected to pull his weight!

I think you did the right thing to say to meet her halfway, she has to appreciate this is difficult for the business to accommodate as well as it is for her to sort out, and her response was unprofessional so you are NBU to be annoyed.

In my last job I was higher paid than DH but part time so it was often easier for me to sort stuff out. That said we tried to accommodate child illness and things in general between us.

Everyone has their own arrangements but I'd personally hate to have a traditional unequal relationship.

MumnGran

Completely recogisnible to the person in question, and therefore unprofessional to be discussing her attitude and how 'annoying' it is, on the internet.

Your other difficulty is how her colleagues view this. When I was working, the attitude of 'I have children, therefore I am entitled to just have any time off that I like to look after them' (while true for emergencies) caused great ill-feeling between staff who did this on a regular basis and those who did not have children or - like me - whose children were older and had left home, as we were the poor sods who always got dumped on to keep the place running...

We also regularly got told that we couldn't have leave when we requested it, as 'So-and-so will need to be off then because of the school holidays' and for those of us married to teachers, this meant that our family holidays were very difficult to arrange. Bitter, me..??--

All depends what your employee handbook or HR say TBH. Given that the norm is 3 days if a direct relative dies, I wouldn't give her any more than that. She should be treated exactly the same as an employee with no kids/partner etc.

If she mysteriously goes sick now then get her in for an interview with you & HR.

You are doing as much as you can to help her, but you employ her, not her family!!

Ok, she worded it badly but there is the possibility her DH has told her he won't take the time off full stop. My XP would tell me to fuck off if I needed him to do it, I had to take days off work to look after sick DC even if it was his day off. She may well be stuck in the middle trying to keep him and you happy, despite knowing he is an arse. All the talking in the world isn't going to change someone like that.

Obviously her private life is her problem but she may be as pissed off as you.

I would get this thread removed asap, she is entitled to request emergency leave however she words it, you are not entitled to discuss such things on an Internet forum where the person in question and colleagues could easily recognise the situation - completely unprofessional

His job being more important was a silly comment but with the rest I don't see an issue. My DH is self employed and earns loads more than me and doesn't get paid if not at work, so I have to deal with emergency care myself.

I would be stuffed if my work wasn't so accommodating during holidays/sickness as we have no one else to help out in emergencies.

Help her out, you will get so much more back as she will really appreciate the support.

She was daft to make that comment. Even if it is the case, to actually say it, is daft.
But , that comment is irrelevant and should not affect the Op's actions.
The point is , she says she can't work, for 2 weeks.
This is unreasonable.
What have HR said , OP?

I would IMAGINE, that emergency means a day or 2. Not 2 weeks. If her childcare has let her down, she sorts something else asap, within a couple of days: she rings, anyone, friends, parents, the local County Council, who run playschemes ( ours runs one, which ds's are at, as I type, and is TOTALLY fab), childminders etc. She gets something sorted. Within a few days. That is an emergency. but you sort it, best you can , asap. Not just say you can't work, for 2 weeks.

Other than Op, Op has nothing lese to consider.

She is a wally for saying that and I think you are being more than fair.

DH earns more than me but it is easier for him to take time off as his job can be covered easily for a day while mine can't.

Men who won't take time off (and companies who make them feel they can't) make me ! They basically pass their childcare issues onto the colleagues of their wife/partner by forcing them to cover.

Very stupid of her to make that comment.

And as a general point YANBU, and women who always take the emergency time off for sick kids/childcare breakdowns because their husbands earn more do absolutely no favours for the female workforce at all, as they give the impression that women don't take their job seriously and will be constantly off with the kids.

Where both parents are employed, it is not either reasonable or sensible to expect one employer to bear all the inconvenience/burden of emergency leave. That burden should be shared equally where at all possible, thereby irritating both employers a small amount rather than one hugely. The fact that one parent's employer happens to pay him or her more doesn't make the other parent's employer more able or willing to sustain frequent absence.

I can't believe she said that to you - honestly, I do understand the financial argument but if a family wants to hold down two jobs between them then one worker cannot be expected to cover two whole unanticipated weeks while the other one doesn't cover anything!

My dh earns more than me and if we had to take unpaid leave we'd try to take more of my time unpaid than his... but it would be MADNESS to put all the burden on my employer and jepordise my job or my reputation with my employer by not at least attempting to share the burden.

OP YADNBU.

Those saying the lower paid worker should take on all the emergency care should consider the impact on the employer. If you do not view your job as important then you may find that the employer does not view you as important when it is time to make cuts or if there are opportunities for advancement.

There are tactful ways to ask for things and this was beyond unreasonable.

Well said Flowery

I am the higher earner in my marriage but I am frequently not amused to find that my DH presumes I will always step into the breach in a childcare emergency. He has recently been disabused of that notion and to be fair to him, stepped up admirably and in some style. The kids had a great time far better than the day they would have had with me checking my blackberry and taking pointless telephone calls. His employer gives him 5 days paid emergency leave per annum though. Mine does not so I save it out of my annual leave.

Doesn't get you over your deadline issue OP. Deadlines in August though? I'd wheel in HR to have a chat about what's considered to be reasonable emergency leave. I think your irritation level is going to be difficult to hide

I think this thread is bloody awful. Everyone pretending that blokes on bigger salaries than women should 'step up to the plate' and take the necessary time off in an emergency. Surely feminism means you have the right to see to your kids in whichever way protects your family best without your manager coming on mumsnet and slagging off your work ethic. Where's the feminism in that? Only hire men if you can't cope with the fact that your female employees will always put their children before you and your business.

P.s..OP, do you have children and what would you do in a similar emergency (you will have to dig deep here and imagine you couldn't afford to pay for child care)?