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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be riled by this comment from a colleague?

274 replies

dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 14/08/2013 12:28

Someone I manage has requested emergency leave (unpaid - for the next couple of weeks) because her childcare arrangement for the holidays has fallen through.

I said that I would bring it up with my manager as soon as I could today, but explained that it is unlikely we will be able to accommodate the request because we are low staffed anyway (what with it being August and having accommodated other people's planned leave requests) and have some big deadlines coming up. I said that we may be able to meet her halfway, but she may need to make other arrangements, and if she needed some time today to ring around that would be fine.

To which she replied "Well, there's no way I can ask my husband because he earns more than me and has the more important job".

Now, I won't take this comment into consideration one way or another, but AIBU to be annoyed by it? From our perspective, she is a well-paid, full time employee with responsibilities. It is neither here nor there as to whether in a private context she and her DH consider him to be the "dominant" worker. And from a women-in-the-workplace/feminist perspective, what hope do we have of gaining greater equality when women treat their professional responsibilities in this way?

OP posts:
flowery · 15/08/2013 16:52

"Kindly don't tell me what I "mean to say," when you don't know."

Yes. I was in fact being sarcastic, sorry I assumed that would be obvious.

PenguinBear · 15/08/2013 17:00

I can see this from bith sides. From an employment side the options sound fair enough. From a parenting side, I can understand her putting her kids before her job. My kids always come first above everything else. In terms of work we can't have time off in term time unless its an emergency!

Wonder what choice she'll make and why her original child care fell through.

Trigglesx · 15/08/2013 17:07

flowery guess not. It doesn't translate well in print sometimes. I would never expect DH to ring in sick himself when it was the children that were ill, but then you don't know me, so don't know that. Grin

Trigglesx · 15/08/2013 17:09

But to be fair, it's a bit off IMO for the employee to be asking DH why his wife can't take care of the ill children. Sexist? none of their business? maybe I'm working or away for a few days - THEY don't know. HE is their parent too, and as such, has a right to ring in if necessary if they are ill.

Trigglesx · 15/08/2013 17:13

But to return to the OP's comment - yes, it was pretty unprofessional of the employee to make a comment that basically says "this job isn't very important." Hmm

BranchingOut · 15/08/2013 18:39

I agree with Triggles - there should not be the immediate assumption of 'why isn't a tame woman picking up this messy business of child raising'.

However, I think that the employee in the OP has possibly been just 'speaking as she thinks', which might be a bit unwise!

ilovesooty · 15/08/2013 18:41

I think the options offered to this employee are more than fair. After all, she's been offered some paid time off to research solutions and if her husband won't take unpaid time off or use his annual leave that is her problem, not the employer's.

SPBisResisting · 15/08/2013 18:53

Well Triggles if you were a SAHM (and assuming they knew) I think it's fair for them to assume you will look after ill children. Of course there was a reason why not and fair enough, but I don't think they were wrong to even ask the question. Of course if they didn't know you were a SAHM, then you are absolutely right.
And I agree in general there should be no expectation that there is a little woman in the background picking up the childcare pieces. A colleague's partner is currently between jobs so I'd expect her to care for his children (as she is doing). When she starts her new job in September I expect the bulk of emergency childcare t fall to him, as the person with the more flexible job, which it will.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 15/08/2013 19:02

Dancing - I think you've been more than fair. I used to hear the same old 'my DH earns more' in the role I was in pre-maternity leave.

Interestingly, my DH earned more than me. As a result and his seniority, he was able to take time off or work from home more easily than me at the last minute. He cannot have been the only man that this applies to! Anywhere that I've worked has been the same - the more senior you are (and this usually correlates with pay grade), the easier it is to dictate your own hours and hence take emergency leave.

gintastic · 15/08/2013 22:20

I think you've been more than fair - my DH earns more than I do but due to seniority is much more able to juggle things and delegate - I often simply can't. We quite often end up split shifting a day if one of the kids is sick - I only work 6hrs/day so I will go in for 7, finish at 12 (and make up the extra hour next day), get home, DH goes to work for 1 and stays until he's finished. Often 9-10pm at night but we both get our work done.

Trigglesx · 15/08/2013 22:50

SPB - DH never actually discussed my work status with his employers, as he felt it was none of their business. And to be honest, just because I was a SAHM at one point, might not mean that I'm a SAHM a month later, two months later, 6 months later. Is he supposed to go in and keep them advised of my employment status? Of course not! And what if I was out of the country or city, possibly tending to my elderly mother who has health problems and was unable to come home to care for the ill child - and why should I if DH was capable of doing so? Or if I was in hospital or had a hospital appointment or test that takes most of the day. FGS, there's just SO many reasons why it's just none of their business.

And YES I think it's not on for the them to ask why I'm not watching them. Yes, we had a good reason, but why should DH have to justify it? His child was ill, he needed to stay home. That's really ALL that they should be concerning themselves with.

I am willing to bet that if a woman rang in saying she had to stay home with her sick child, she wouldn't be asked why her DP wasn't taking care of them. I have an adult daughter who has called in a couple times due to illness with her DS - they know she has a partner - not once have they asked her why HE can't stay home with the sick child instead of her.

ShellyBoobs · 15/08/2013 23:22

If she provides a doctor's note, well I'll need to take some advice on that.

I wouldn't worry about that.

A doctor's note means nothing, legally. It's just of use in claiming SSP.

I've binned people with 'genuine' doctor's notes before, including someone with a very obvious broken leg.

dontputaringonit · 16/08/2013 08:04

What's your sick policy OP?

SPBisResisting · 16/08/2013 08:06

True Triggles. I'm basing it on my experience where I work closely with the people I manage - as in see them every day, chat to them etc. I know their domestic set up. In your case, they didn't at all. And you're right when you say that if a woman rang up, the comment would never be made in reverse!

LadyFlumpalot · 16/08/2013 08:24

Hmm, this is interesting reading as I am/was in the same situation earlier this week.

My childminder dropped the news last minute that she needed Monday and Tuesday off. I usually work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

No question between DH and I as to who was taking the time off, he earns twice what I do and we simply cannot afford the financial hit if he didn't get paid.

To make it up to my manager I'm going in today, managed to get my mum to take DS short notice.

It's got nothing to do with a feminist or not ethic. DH fully accepts that whilst he earns more than me currently, I have the job with opportunities, and when we have managed to get ourselves to a better financial place he fully intends to be a SAHD so that I can go back full time and realise my potential.

BellEndTent · 16/08/2013 08:38

I'm in the same position. My DH earns three times what I do and as he is self employed, if he doesn't work, he loses money so it would be a no brainer for us.

If it came to the crunch, he could easily afford for me to walk away from my job but if he lost contracts the fallout would be greater. I think several other people in my office are in a similar situation too, male and female.

mynameismskane · 16/08/2013 08:44

But it is no about men/women's jobs. If the main breadwinner earns more then of course the person who earns less should take the time off!?!

SPBisResisting · 16/08/2013 08:47

not necessarily. As many other people have mentioned, higher earners in office jobs often have the option and flexibility to work from home

mynameismskane · 16/08/2013 08:47

If think you have been fair though, but I do understand her comment too about her husband not being able to take leave. Good luck.

BranchingOut · 16/08/2013 09:15

Any update OP?

flossymuldoon · 16/08/2013 09:25

I would likely be the one to take off the bulk of emergency leave.

I earn more and have a permanent job with paid annual leave, so could use annual leave of I have some left. I also work for a fairly family friendly company so they would really try an accommodate me, in part down to the fact that they know I work hard and don't take the piss. I do some working from home anyway so I could do more days from home if needs be (although I can't really do that with a 3yo around). I also do semi-flexi time with compressed hours so am also willing to swap around my days/hours if needs be.

My DH works at the same place but as a contractor so doesn't get paid if he doesn't work. He also doesn't have the ability to work from home or flex his hours to the same degree. I am 2 levels up from him and my work is less time critical (so a few days off wouldn't jeopardise deadlines to the same degree) whereas his work is critical to these deadlines.

We are also hoping that in the near future DH will be offered a permanent job so wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardise his chances.

flossymuldoon · 16/08/2013 09:29

What I meant to add was that 'important' is too looser term. Which of mine and DHs job is more important? I could say mine because i earn more and am more senior, but i could also say DHs because of the nature of his work.

NonnoMum · 16/08/2013 09:42

Have you sacked her yet?

Original poster
dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 16/08/2013 10:10

update
She isnt in work yet and hasn't got in touch to tell me what her plan is...

I will keep you guys posted! I am in meetings all of today, so won't be on here much.

OP posts:
LIZS · 16/08/2013 11:10

Hmm that doesn't sound promising.