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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think we should let go of the anger and the hatred

230 replies

yunito · 13/08/2013 20:56

Have namechanged as this post contains some personal stuff and I suspect there are at least 2 people I know in real life on here and sorry in advance for the length of this OP.

My brother is 22 and he has not spoken to our parents for four years. As a family both my mum and dad were addicted to sailing, basically every weekend from March to November were spent pursuing this hobby (away from home either on the south coast or in north wales) and in the intervening months we would go on a holiday to warmer climates to go sailing. Mine his and out other sisters opinions on this were forcefully ignored and we were always told to be bloody grateful we weren?t starving like other children in the world. We all and my brother in particular were very shy and lacking in confidence and we never stood up to them until the age of 16 (I appreciate as eldest I should of perhaps said something on behalf of the other two as I was an adult long before they were). Although I thoroughly disagree with them for doing this and there is no way I would do it to my children I still have a reasonable relationship with them.

My brother however absolutely hates them and says that they robbed him of his childhood for their own ends and that he will never forgive them for doing this to him (my sister also holds his views but she has a cordial if infrequent relationship with them). My mum has been very ill in the last 3 months or so and has had to have a couple of operations, the second was an emergency one without which she would have died. I went to see her the day of this operation and before she went in she told me that if she didn?t make it all she wanted me to do was tell my brother that she was sorry for everything.

I?ve been thinking about this for a while and I really want him to reconcile with them, they both acknowledge their mistakes and would go back and change the past if they could. They do sporadically try to write/email him but they never receive any response. I just feel that the past cannot be changed and that the current situation is doing no good to anyone, for example he spends Christmas alone as I go round to theirs and my sister goes to her boyfriends. DP however thinks that I?m overstepping the mark even for a sibling and that his feelings are his feelings and he?s entitled to hold them no matter what anyone else thinks.

OP posts:
Original poster
yunito · 13/08/2013 20:57

Sorry the the title should be he not we

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 13/08/2013 20:59

Let your brother go through his own emotional journey, at his own pace. You cannot engineer a reconciliation. He has a lot of anger to work through, and only he can do the work. You cannot dictate the pace.

peppapigsmummy · 13/08/2013 20:59

I think your dp is right.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/08/2013 21:00

Sorry but your brother is entitled to his own opinions and to act the way he sees fit. You bleating and meddling will make things worse, not better. His relationship with your parents is not your responsibility, nor is it your business.

joanofarchitrave · 13/08/2013 21:02

I would agree with you that ideally he should let go of the anger and hatred and forgive, because he is hurting himself and allowing his childhood to dominate his adult life as well, but there isn't really a way for this to happen on anyone else's timetable.

What does your other sister think?

When did your parents change their views?

I would try to make sure that the emails etc that your parents have sent to him, and a written description of your mother's apology, are printed out and stored so that he could look at them again in the future.

I'm not sure there is much else that you can do, but would be interested to see what other people think.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/08/2013 21:02

Also - you are all angry with your parents because they liked to take you sailing? Boo fucking hoo. Unless you are now going to dripfeed that they also locked you in the cellar, fed you bread and water and burned all your toys or whatever, it sounds a bit pathetic. But that still doesn't make it your job to order your brother to reconcile with them when he doesn't want to.

LunaticFringe · 13/08/2013 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
yunito · 13/08/2013 21:06

joanofarchitrave- Our other sister isn't close to them at all but she will see them 2-3 times a year and answer their calls.
Parents changed their views in the first 6 months as they wondered why he refused to see/speak to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
yunito · 13/08/2013 21:06

LunaticFringe- I see him very often, I could try that.

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 13/08/2013 21:12

So your sister hasn't let go of the anger either, but will do the minimum and your parents are more OK with that? Is that OK for you, do you feel the need to change that situation? If not, that would suggest that you want to change your brother's behaviour because of how your parents feel about it. As the eldest CHILD it was definitely NOT your responsibility to alter your parents' behaviour in the past, and as three independent adults, it is not your responsibility now to alter each other's behaviour for their benefit.

From your brother's point of view, then, his cutting of contact has had the desired effect in that your parents have realised how much they hurt him. It is up to him if he spends Christmas alone. In the future when your parents are not around, will you want to spend Christmas with your brother, or will it be your turn to punish him? The best you can do I think is to try and behave honestly and stop believing that as the eldest it is your job to sort all this out.

maddening · 13/08/2013 21:14

He isn't trying to stop you from seeing them is he.

And you should separate your relationship with your parents from that with your dbro and if either tries to discuss it let them know you won't get involved.

Original poster
yunito · 13/08/2013 21:16

maddening- He's not bothered what I do regarding them, its just the situation with our mum in our months that have focussed the situation.

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 13/08/2013 21:17

Sorry. I don't understand. Your brother is angry because your parents took you sailing?

MacaYoniandCheese · 13/08/2013 21:20

I take it none of you children gained anything from this nautical childhood then?

Are there any other details we should know?

LaurieFairyCake · 13/08/2013 21:20

How old and how ill are your parents?

If they're young and got 40 years left he's got plenty of time to mellow.

If they're at deaths door I'd point that out gently to him.

At 22 his childhood is recent so I guess it feels pretty raw for him - did he not like the sailing at all?

Original poster
yunito · 13/08/2013 21:20

ExitPursuedByABear- He's angry because it didn't allow him to have interests or hobbies and he also was excluded from things with other children because we were always off.

OP posts:
libertine73 · 13/08/2013 21:21

Bit harsh there I think Solid just because it's sailing, doesn't mean the children weren't completely miserable and felt rejected?

I think Lunatics idea is the about as far as I would be willing to take it TBH, give it a go,but be prepared to leave it if he says so.

Original poster
yunito · 13/08/2013 21:21

LaurieFairyCake- No he hated it and he does suffer from seasickness as well.

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 13/08/2013 21:25

Sorry. Didn't mean to sound flippant. It's very sad. But we only pass this way once and we have to make the best of it. He needs to think about how he will feel in the future. Peace of mind is everything.

Original poster
yunito · 13/08/2013 21:26

joanofarchitrave- Parents aren't happy with their relationship with sis but they do seem to be warming recently (she never cut them out though).

OP posts:
Flicktheswitch · 13/08/2013 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/08/2013 21:29

You should leave him alone. It sounds like they fucked up.

Fwiw I never forgave my dad and he died alone at 73, drunk and homeless. I don't regret it at all - he made his own (shitty, alcoholic, criminal) choices.

Sure maybe to you what your parents did wasn't as bad but your brother has a right to feel that his parents ruined his childhood.

MirandaGoshawk · 13/08/2013 21:33

I think it's for your parents to do the grovelling here. They should not give up trying to get through to him - keep writing - bashing at the door (your dbro) until he feels able, or decides he wants, to open it.

It sounds as if you have some guilt issues about not trying harder. Don't - it was your parents' choice, not yours, and you weren't in a position to change things for your siblings.

HaroldLloyd · 13/08/2013 21:34

I personally wouldn't get involved, obviously we don't have all the background information here, but it seems extreme just about sailing?

Are your sure there's nothing else?

It's up to him really. I'd tell him your mother apologised but that's as far as I'd go.

As your mothers poorly and you have made peace about it I would enjoy your time with her, if your brother regrets it when he is older, it was his decision wasn't it.

MacaYoniandCheese · 13/08/2013 21:36

I think 22 is far too young to appreciate the experiences of youth and how those may have shaped his character. Sailing is travel, nature, athleticism and time with family and, (lets be honest) a sport for the privileged. I know lots of children that go away each weekend for sports competitions (or those of siblings) or to family cottages etc. I don't see the problem Confused.

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