to think we should let go of the anger and the hatred

[yunito]

Have namechanged as this post contains some personal stuff and I suspect there are at least 2 people I know in real life on here and sorry in advance for the length of this OP.

My brother is 22 and he has not spoken to our parents for four years. As a family both my mum and dad were addicted to sailing, basically every weekend from March to November were spent pursuing this hobby (away from home either on the south coast or in north wales) and in the intervening months we would go on a holiday to warmer climates to go sailing. Mine his and out other sisters opinions on this were forcefully ignored and we were always told to be bloody grateful we weren?t starving like other children in the world. We all and my brother in particular were very shy and lacking in confidence and we never stood up to them until the age of 16 (I appreciate as eldest I should of perhaps said something on behalf of the other two as I was an adult long before they were). Although I thoroughly disagree with them for doing this and there is no way I would do it to my children I still have a reasonable relationship with them.

My brother however absolutely hates them and says that they robbed him of his childhood for their own ends and that he will never forgive them for doing this to him (my sister also holds his views but she has a cordial if infrequent relationship with them). My mum has been very ill in the last 3 months or so and has had to have a couple of operations, the second was an emergency one without which she would have died. I went to see her the day of this operation and before she went in she told me that if she didn?t make it all she wanted me to do was tell my brother that she was sorry for everything.

I?ve been thinking about this for a while and I really want him to reconcile with them, they both acknowledge their mistakes and would go back and change the past if they could. They do sporadically try to write/email him but they never receive any response. I just feel that the past cannot be changed and that the current situation is doing no good to anyone, for example he spends Christmas alone as I go round to theirs and my sister goes to her boyfriends. DP however thinks that I?m overstepping the mark even for a sibling and that his feelings are his feelings and he?s entitled to hold them no matter what anyone else thinks.

op its up to your brother. not a lot you can do.

re parenting choices. yes I remember as a 70s kid playing outside the pub with pop and crisps and bloody loved it.

I can't imagine in a million years any loving patent if any generation actively forcing their children to pursue a hobby every weekend that the children hated and made one if them ill.

I am amazed at your forgiveness op as they sound utterly selfish and dreadful parents.

I fucking hate boats.

I think a lot about parenting styles. lainiekazan correctly stated that parents did not consult with DC's, I quite agree, we just did as were were told. Lives revolved around adults not around children.

Do you think its because couples got married and children just came along and had to fit in? Things did not really change until abortion and contraception came along.

Our current generation of children seem to enjoy very child centric lives, they are adored and put on a pedestal, family life revolves very much around children. Is it because adults generally have a choice and actively plan to have children? Are some of us envious because past generations got on with their lives and to a certain extent ignored the childrens wishes?

Might you not be basing those thoughts on sweeping, invalid generalisations, Always? As an abused child in the early sixties, I loved to visit a friend who was one of 8, each one year apart, living in a poky two-up two-down. I went there for breakfast most days. The table filled the whole of the front room, crammed with kids, it was mayhem. And it was a happy, warm, welcoming mayhem. Her mum & dad valued their DC, every last one of them, and still had room in their hearts & home for other children like me.

When reading biographies of Victorian folks, I'm particularly struck by those - rich and poor - whose parents engaged with their children, appreciated them and taught them to play to their strengths. Other families were distant, cruel or dictatorial with their children: somehow, we seem to have framed the more brutal style as the norm for those times, but it wasn't.

There are parents who enjoy their children's individuality, and those who don't. There always have been; it's not about fashion or economics.

Garlic, what a wonderful family, yes i am sorry to say you could be right.

They were, Always! :)