To think some modern parents make unnecessary work for themselves

[Vintageclock]

My aunt, who reared ten children and at one time had five children under four years of age (including 2 yr old twins) has just spent a day minding her first grandchild and said it was harder work than anything she had experienced before. The baby came with a list of instructions as long as your arm, a huge bag full of lotion for this and ointment for that, a rigid timetable of naps and snacks and drinks, rules about sterilising anything the child looked at, and complicated sleeping bags and play suits to be zipped in and out of.
I have seen this with a few friends as well - they can't meet you for lunch until 2.30 because the baby has to be fed at 1.28 on the dot, no one can visit between 3.00 and 4.30 because that's nap time and the baby will wake up at the slightest noise, are constantly pulling things out of their baby's hands because of 'germs' etc etc etc.

AIBU to think some mums just go over the top, obsess about every detail of rearing a child. and are turning it into an overly complicated science when previous generations managed perfectly well without half of the nonsense some modern parents go on with?

Fair enough.
Good for you. (genuinely)

I have a massive changing bag because DD is in cloth nappies and they take up a lot of room. When we're on holiday and she's in disposables I use my pre-DC handbag. Is that allowed?

But does it actually matter?

I see more 'leave Britney alone' on this thread than many actually bashing routine.
Routine works for you? Ace, have a smartie.
No routine works for you? Ace, have a smartie.

Trying to snipe and point score at the expense of parents that do things differently to you? Get to fuck.
Some people, for whatever reason, will have a hard time whichever way they choose. Some people will have it easy from birth whichever way they choose. Most are in the middle, chopping, changing and being family led. And we can never have a thread like this without some posts that can't see past themselves - whatever dig is necessary to get in against Routine or AP type styles.
Whatever you do someone else will be rolling their eyes at you just as hard as you do when you see something you don't do/like/think is silly. That is really sad.
There's not too much here but it's sad we can't get through one thread dig free.
It's frustrating that we are not all supported enough to be able to have the courage of our convictions without that being shored up on the judgement of other people who are doing nothing wrong even moreso for parents happy and relaxed with their choices.
Long way of echoing pp's sentiments I guess.

Good post totally

Totally totally

The only time I do think you have a right to have an opinion is when the parent expects everybody else (and their babies) to arrange their lives around their pfb's routine. The kind of parent who gets shirty if you won't re-arrange the time of your own child's birthday party so that little Lisa will not eat too soon before her usual teatime, or expect IL's golden wedding lunch to be re-booked to suit little Johnnie's naptime (and never mind about the 6 other babies also invited).

When dc were little, I and my 3 siblings, 2 of them also with young children, used to spend our holidays at our parents' house, a place with very limited cooking facilities. My mother took one look at the situation and realised chaos was imminent so told us very firmly that she would decide when meals were served and the rest of us would just have to adapt. It led to some mutterings at the time, but I can absolutely see that she was right. And no child came to any harm that anybody could notice.

We didn't have a sleep routine between 0-12 months (everything on-demand), but we implemented one after that. I love that my two-year-old DS naps at 1.15 for two hours, come what may. I can do some freelance work for two hours or go to the gym; the predictability is really important to me.

Occasionally we let his bedtime stretch to 8pm or so, but he is such a happy, easy boy with the correct amount of sleep, which he gets when he's put to bed at 7pm.

My son was colicky and had silent reflux as a baby, and has the hearing ability of a wolf, so no way would he ever sleep anywhere but in his bed, with the sound machine on, and the blinds down (I'm afraid he gets it from me, as I sleep in earplugs, with a face mask, and need blackout shades, or else I'll go the whole night awake). I marvel at kids who nap in their strollers etc. but mine won't. Similarly I marvel at adults who can sleep on planes and in cars. What a wonderful gift!

What a silly, blinkered thread.

Older people forget what it's really like. I had forgotten in between kids!

No routine makes life difficult for some. Routine makes life difficult for some. Each to their own.

People should mind their own business. Glad she's not looking after my kids then criticising my parenting!

And as for the smug self-satisfied 'I only need a clutch bag' to go out with my children' type posts! Jeez! Is there anything you won't judge? Pathetic.

So well put Totally and Whyno

Extremes make it harder IMO, first borns tend to be over parented, and my way was the best. I do think there is a higher pressure towards over parenting today, this tendency towards dogma (baby led weaning/co sleeping/ etc) is new, it used to be just tools in a tool bag rather than a Guide To Life And Thou Shall Have No Other, I think it's the Emergence of a Baby Industry that drives it.

I think the OP makes a good point and I wish mumsnet had been around when my DCs were born.

I got myself locked into an attempt to be a "perfect Mum" when first DS was born. I failed, obviously, and that contributed to PND. I was unable to lighten up at all. I read too many books and magazines offering guidelines to motherhood and didn't rely on instinct (or my mother's wise words) at all. I was inflexible in my efforts to provide the perfect home for our little family and must have been a nightmare to be around.

I was less rigid when DS2 arrived but still too obsessed with doing it right.

Mumsnet and the lovely people here would have helped me realise that there are many ways to rear happy children without driving myself into the ground.

Often the baby itself seems to demand more of this type if thing though.
I had my first at 17 and went into to have 3 more before I wa 34. I was laid back and no Slavs to routines.
Then dc5 comes along when I was 43 and I had to rethink it all.
Had feeding probs from her cleft palate, severe reflux making feed times a jumble of medicines, special bottles and lots of puking.
She was also a crap sleeper which could be improved with regular nap and mealtimes.
I've pretty much become the type of parent I used to roll my eyes at
So it's not always the parent.

I was born in the 70's and my mum was a bit of a maverick, amongst her peers, for not having strict feeding and sleep routine. Her mum was surprised that we weren't all left down the garden in prams every afternoon.

I think people get rose tinted glasses when remembering. When one of my relatives looked after my eldest for the first time I tried to explain where everything was. That he got grizzly at x time and it was best to put him in the cot, ignore for 10 mins to see if hed settle. Then the big sin of explaining how the nappy went on. I was informed that they had had children and laughed at me. It's not like we have any complicated routine with them.

I came back to a screaming baby being rocked in a pushchair. Dirty clothes because they couldn't find the clean babygro's (clean ones left out for them and tons in the cupboard) and they d put the nappy on back to front!! Now none off this worried me as I didn't believe any harm was done. I was knarked that they thought I was stupid for mentioning a few things to make their life easy.

I'm in my 40's, it's been less than a decade since my last baby. Despite managing fine with my own and managing to carry on life with them, I wod find it exhausting to look after a baby all day.

I'm not sure it's even all rose tinted glasses but that age old thing of putting someone down to feel good about yourself. Oh the silly yoooth of today, I wasn't like that and I could cope fine.

If part of this insanely complicated routine was zipping up a Grobag, I think it's more that Auntie finds looking after babies harder than she used to.

I'd bet a very large sum of money the OP doesn't have children...

I need to go and buy a changing bag this week as my first baby is due in 2 weeks. It's good to know that there will be some Mums out there judging me on my choice of bloody bag as well as everything else I try to survive as a new Mum!

As if becoming a parent isn't fucking terrifying daunting enough without worrying that I'm going to be judged for absolutely every little thing I do!

You find it mostly with no. 1s. I know I bought a ludicrously stupid amount of stuff which was deemed absolutely essential. For no. 2 I realised that no, you don't need a special changing bag. And you don't need a big, heavy, complicated pram, and you certainly don't need a changing station (off which any self-respecting baby tries to hurl itself).

I have come across a few absolutely manic parents. One is still manic. At bil's b'day party in a village hall with barn dance in full swing she suddenly got out a huge changing bag and got her dcs into their pyjamas. The boys were 10 and 8 !!!!

I had Grobags because dd kept kicking off the blanket and crying when she got cold.

I was a very nervous mother because both my baby and I were very ill for a long time after I gave birth. We tried routines as a family, but it was as flexible routine. I live in a competitive mum area, and I did feel inadequate at first because of it.

We had a second hand changing bag from my SIL, and filled it with everything we needed for the day. We don't drive, use public transport. Baby would sleep in her buggy, and was good at it so no need to cut short or pop home. Luckily, she slept through the night at eight months.

She was bottle fed, and we broke rules here, but we would sterilise the bottle then add boiling water and allows to cool. In a clean tub we took the formula and a small flask of hot water (so many eateries refuse to hand over hot water on health and safety grounds). If she got to her natural hungry point, which she herself had decided was every four hours, we'd stop at a caff, add the formula to the bottle of cooled boiled water and warm up.

I am hopeless at organising myself, so I just had a few things a week to remember such as, health visitor, weaning food, fetch shopping, and I was fine. The routine was decided by my baby, and she ate and slept anywhere. And as a mum, you quickly recognise the signs that baby needs a certain thing.

I think if you have more than one child things are obviously more difficult but one adapts. Each mum has their way that suits them.. Basic stuff: feed baby, change baby, rest baby, play with baby.

LongtallJosie

Years ago mums used to leave their babies and kids outside in a pram all day for fresh air.

DS and I have always had a rough routine as like me he likes his sleep! Obviously it can change if we're visiting friends or on holiday etc., but generally our routine works well for us and we both know what is happening next.

DS is now 19 months old and he generally has anything from 1.5 hours to 3.0 hours nap after lunch and sleeps from 7pm - 7am, it works for us.

In regards to the huge changing bags, well I would probably be accused of that, however DS does sometimes have a leaky nappy so I always carry a full change of clothes, a couple more nappies than I actually think I'll need, wipes, drinks, snacks and a couple of toys. I am learning to drive, so I don't have the luxury of leaving things I 'might' need in the car and if a bus doesn't turn up, I'd rather be prepared!

That's it exactly, nuffink.

It's not like its a big deal if they don't do precisely what we as parents do (assuming, obviously, that the DCs aren't being given 50 B&H and let loose on the booze cabinet), the world won't stop turning or anything.

But bitter experience (cos we look after them all the time, we know which quirks are fairly critical to an easy life) has told us that it is actually worth making sure they eat in a particular slot or something, and if you don't manage that then stuff starts to get exponentially more difficult as the DCs get grouchy or tired. Most of this 'lunch at 12ish' instruction is born out of the desire for the GPs to actually have a good time with their GCs....

I like to think that I'm quite relaxed and laid back about my child. However, I do have a vague routine, as in roughly what time he sleeps and what time he eats. There are times when I throw the routine out of the window, especially if we're planning on being out for the day. However, there are plenty of other times when I'll tell someone that I'll meet them after a certain time so my child can have a sleep first, and therefore not have an overly-tired screaming child with me.

Your Aunt obviously feels confident with children, but at the end of the day she's only an expert on the children that she has raised herself (and that was some time ago). She's certainly not an expert on anyone else's children.

My mum, who's career was working with children from birth to 5 years wants to know a rough routine if ever she looks after my youngest. She's given a routine, but there have been plenty of times when she tells me he wouldn't sleep at a certain time so she did something else with him, and then he slept an hour or so later. No big deal.

When I give a routine to anyone who looks after my child, its more to help them out.

Is your Aunt put out by being given instructions?

iaintdunnuffink good points I think.

And as for the tiny bag club. Well said whyno
dreamingofthemaldives my advice (which you are free to ignore) is to get the biggest fuckoff bag you can carry. And only have one at a time.
I still get daily bag change stress due to trying to use more than one bag (trying to keep the size down for different occasions - never worked for me). The maternity ward doesn't have an airline style hand luggage measuring cage as you leave. Good luck and don't forget to sniff that baby's head. Mmmmmmmm.

dreamingofthemaldives - am also after a big bag, have found having 2 DCs means carrying double the stuff, and I'm not goingto carry more than one bag or in a sleep depraved fog I'll end up leaving one somewhere, I am just about remembering I have to make sure I have 2 DCs with me when I walk out of anywhere

Anyone with older DCs want to tell me when I'll have to stop carrying around changes of clothes for DS? At the moment he's 3.5 years and not 100% dry so it's 2 changes of clothes, but I noticed a mum at a national trust property last week getting a spare tshirt out for her mucky DS, he looked about 7/8, do you carry changes for years? (the number of years use I'll get out of new bag will decide the budget, if I'm going to be carting half the house for a day out for years to come then it's worth spending a bit more - kind of hoped once DS mastered the loo that would be it)