Dh will time consuming hobby

[SpanishLady]

Just wondering how unreasonable I'm being by wanting to hit my dh over the head with one of his 6 cricket bats?

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with twins and have a 2.9 year old. I work full time with a 3 hour commute. We pay my mum to look after our toddler during the week.

My dh plays cricket every Saturday leaving at 12 and returning between 9-10pm. I'm fed up frankly as its beginning to take a physical toll on me - I get the season is nearly through (well late September and the twins may have arrived by then) so it's not so much about his doing it now but I've gotten to thinking why on earth does he think this is ok? He knows I have back and hip pain and his answer is to just not go out and says he looks after him on a Sunday ( well until I get up) so what's the problem?

We are also arguing about decorating the babies room - it is not just a lick of paint, it needs plastering and new flooring but he wants to leave it until after Christmas as wants to enjoy relaxing now and then get the twins in a routine. I have gone mental so he has backed down but not without a lot of 'get off my back' ' stop whining' comments.

He is generally a good guy so am increasingly bewildered about how he seems to be regressing into single man attitude. I'm not sure i like him very much to be honest and just want some support when I'm feeling so tired and weaker then usual.

So you get Sunday all day off do you?

Because that's the only way he's being remotely fair.

Remotely.

"Stop whining" is usually code for "Don't tell me things I don't want to hear."

Your day-to-day life has already been changed by this pregnancy. It's about time his did too.

My oh plays cricket in summer and rugby in winter. I also play rugby in winter and compete horses all year round. We don't see much of each other but a) we could never give up our passions which also gives us our social life and b) there is a firm understanding that neither of us will give up something that makes us happy, unless we both do (physical toll of rugby is gradually getting to us both!)
I appreciate pregnant with twins will curtail you right now, but as soon as you are settled, look for a hobby/passion/social thing to do on Sunday. Or arrange a few hours of child care on Saturday and do something so you have a family Sunday. Or take the kids to the cricket - on a glorious Sunny day with a picnic it's actually great (even though I don't get cricket really...). If your dh won't agree to one of those options then he is being vvu. If you don't want to take up a sport or hobby as you want to enjoy the whole weekend with kids, then I still don't think you can begrudge 10hrs on a Saturday (cricket is long! Plus to be home by 10/11pm means he is only having a couple of pints - rugby nights out are 3am completely hammered, so yours isn't all bad :-)))

I'm the same as Ehhn except I met DH through our mutual sport, which we still spend most weekends training and competing in, as well as weekdays. I dont see sport as something you give up on having DCs, nor your social life outside the home.

Sport is full of couples who met through their common interest. I do find it hard to understand those couples who have totally different outlooks on life and nothing in common, as they always seem to end uo arguing.

Is there no possibility for you to go along to the cricket and spectate? Otherwise I think id be mad at your DH for using you to provide a safe family environment and home, and help finance it, ie he seems to be getting more out of this relationship than you.

It's not fair. YANBU. Every other week might be ok.

Dad used to take us to cricket with him every weekend and we enjoyed it (4 girls), there were always trees to climb, places to run and explore and normally a park. We took kites and balls. We put the flags out (and in) and helped prep tea. Eventually I learned to score. Your DH can take the kids when they are old enough.

With the room - are you expecting him to plaster etc? I think he is trying to tell you it is too much to do, can you pay someone?

How long is it until you are going on maternity leave? I would guess soon, you must be knackered?!

Mrsw- that was why I was saying that op should have her own time! (And that her dh would be vvu to not agree) however, some people, usually mothers but some fathers, don't want to take time away from their kids especially if they work. It is not something I totally understand as I love my sports, but I realise that not everyone fels the same and didn't want to say to op that she should consider doing something that may have 0 appeal. However, as someone who loves my sport, I would not be happy to be told by oh that i had to give up/curtail my sport. These posts are for perspectives!. However, op dh could definitely do more than just the Sunday am - he could do the decorating etc...

Ehhn, spoken very much like someone who doesn't have newborn twins and a toddler.

It isn't as simple as negotiating a corresponding 10 hours to yourself either. In my experience, twins and a toddler meant there was a lot of stuff to be done on a weekend. Cleaning, washing, cooking....just general stuff that you need to catch up on after the working. Plus time as a family together. I'd be putting my foot down. A weekend game of tennis, or a basketball game during the week...that is something different alltogether. 10 hours on the trot on a weekend when he's simply not there? Nope.

OP, you're in for a tough year after the twins are born. But twins are lovely and speaking from experience, 6 years down the track, I'm sooo glad I had my 3 kids within 3 years. you get your 'life' back that much quicker. I wouldn't change a thing.

Re the decorating. Unless your DH is actually a plasterer, I dont see how he could plaster a room because its a skilled job and if its not done right it will be an utter mess. Flooring is less skilled but also pretty tricky. Why dont you just phone a couple of plasterers for quotes? Its not a ridiculously expensive thing. I've just had a bedroom plastered for £350, and it looks lovely now.

I get Sunday mornings off ( if that is the right terminology,) as dh takes our son to see his parents but other then using that time to grab a shower or joy of joys even a bath - I have to clean the house. I have tried telling my dh that I consider him to use up his relaxing time ( he works as well and I get he needs time to himself like anyone else) all on a Saturday so he can't sit around watching cricket all day Sunday or nipping off for siesta. I get he finds chores boring but doesn't mean they don't have to be done. I'm just fed up - I feel physically drained and know I look terrible ( friend told me in a concerned way) and also guilty that its like we are trying to palm our child onto each other - he is our baby not a chore! But also worried the direction our relationship is going - but I can't take on one more thing so make attempts to bring it up but give up quickly. Sometimes I wish he'd just leave so at least I don't have to deal with him then I know I don't mean that but I'm pretty unhappy right now and sick with worry that my kids are being affected - I'm so grumpy by poor son is just being told no no no repeatedly - I don't think it's good enough and not his fault I'm pregnant so feel not unreasonable to expect my dh to take up the slack on Sundays. He's going to hate me but I'm going to start insisting he takes him to the park etc - usually he doesn't do that but leaves it to me ):

Those of you with time consuming hobbies - do you have children? Who looks after them when you are busy being passionate about your hobby?

I think cricket is designed for the purpose of making sure a man gets his 'time off' and a few leisurely pints on a nice day with his mates.

When my OH and I got together I competed a whole team of horses and he played football and ran a lot. This took up all our time and we loved it, however 3 kids in I ride one pony 2 or 3 times at week at 5.30am before the kids are up, OH doesn't play football anymore and only occasionally runs, plays a bit more golf now tho.
We now have hobbies that the whole family can join in and that works for us. We could have carried on doing our own hobbies and looked after the kids separately but our babies are only little once and we want to make the most of our family time together.

YANBU. I don't really understand why people think they should be able to continue their previous lifestyle with a young child / children.

Kids take a lot of time to look after, obviously both parents need a bit of me time but 10 hours every Saturday is a complete piss take.

I had dts when dd1 was 3. Yadddnbu. You need to both be pulling in the same direction on this.

My dh has a similarly all consuming sport hobby and it's caused no end of arguments over the years When they were all babies he did tone it down massively it's true (although it's crept up and up again) but what exasperates me is that it has to be pointed out in the first place.

I totally understand
DH has always been either playing, coaching or umpiring Cricket for our entire relationship alongside the social life that goes with it. I join in with some of it but even though I enjoy it, every week at the a cricket is quite frankly boring after a while. It's why I make my own plans for Saturday (and Sunday) most weeks between April and September...
I could go on for quite a while about the attitude towards players families at Cricket, I've been involved for long enough (20 years nearly) to know that they're considered to be an inconvenience for many and getting in the way of 'the lads' enjoyment.
He needs to start compromising, it's all very well to say "I could never give up my passions" and expect you to put up and shut up, he needs to grow up and realise that life is about to get much busier for both of you. He can't just get up and sod off for the day with a cheerful wave and come back when he feels like it unless he's willing to offer you the same.
YANBU. But don't wreck the bat...

Not he won't do the plastering! We would have workmen in but it's clearing the room, taking stuff to the tip etc see original post my dh has 6 bats only 2 of which he uses - he's a hoarder and yes frankly very lazy so I have to a) do it myself and hope he doesn't notice eg clear stuff out ( just threw out cricket clothes from when he was 18!) b) nag, nag, nag and that's unfair on me.

Of course I'm leaving loads out and he isn't a complete feckless twat and the sat at cricket would be fine if I wasn't so tired and like a huge lump it's that he either doesn't notice how I'm struggling or doesn't care - either way where does that leave us?

I am a cricket WAG too. Often wonder why my DH had to pick the longest game in the world to play! That said, I do join him most games and instead have a picnic and chatter with the other WAGs and the kids love playing together. However, my DH will only stay for one drink after so usually back between 7-8pm.

This doesn't help you, however, as I have no idea what being pregnant with twins is like. If I were in your position, it could go one of two ways:

1. I "make" him stop playing cricket.
2. I accept it and start organising ways in which I can manage on a Saturday. Some of which may cost money.

Either way, there will be lots of effort involved! Good luck with what you decide to do and happy for you and your double joy!

The OP watching the cricket isn't really going to help though is it. Even if you leave aside the discomfort of still having to look after a toddler whilst 27wks pregnant with twins, it still sends the message that everyone else in the family should fit in with the dh. He still gets to do as he pleases, just with a few extra spectators.

I'm also curious about the "get a babysitter" comments. How many people will be lining up to look after twins and a toddler when the baby arrives?

Lots of x-posts!

YANBU.

To be fair to my DH, when DC2 came along he curtailed his sporting activities substantially (was previously at rugby most Saturdays) and took up running and the gym, trying to do as much as he could during his lunchtimes at work.

Now DC2 is 2yo and he's ramping up his sporting interests at the weekend again. I am trying to manage it with him very carefully and negotiate time for myself into the deal, and make sure he helps when needed around the house, at least cooks a couple of meals at the weekend, mows the lawn, does his fair share of bath times and nappies, etc.

But it is a minefield and with twins (I have a good friend with an older child and twins) just getting out of the house for the first 12-18months will be a struggle, and your DH needs to realise this!

Actually I think that it's okay for him to play on some Saturday's before the baby is born because he doesn't have a cats chance in hell of doing it after you've had the twins. But I agree with you Spanish Lady that should mean that you get the whole day off on a Sunday, not just the morning.

He obviously loves this sport and it's a passion, it would be a shame if he could never do it. Can you sit down and compromise to him maybe playing every other weekend and you actually getting the whole day off on Sunday?

Bin bags. Lots of bin bags. If he won't help you just throw the lot and if he complains tell him he had his chance to sort it but refused and you didn't want to nag him anymore...
We have a houseful of sodding bats too, Ds plays and DD has just taken it up to try.
Yay...