Dh will time consuming hobby

[SpanishLady]

Just wondering how unreasonable I'm being by wanting to hit my dh over the head with one of his 6 cricket bats?

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with twins and have a 2.9 year old. I work full time with a 3 hour commute. We pay my mum to look after our toddler during the week.

My dh plays cricket every Saturday leaving at 12 and returning between 9-10pm. I'm fed up frankly as its beginning to take a physical toll on me - I get the season is nearly through (well late September and the twins may have arrived by then) so it's not so much about his doing it now but I've gotten to thinking why on earth does he think this is ok? He knows I have back and hip pain and his answer is to just not go out and says he looks after him on a Sunday ( well until I get up) so what's the problem?

We are also arguing about decorating the babies room - it is not just a lick of paint, it needs plastering and new flooring but he wants to leave it until after Christmas as wants to enjoy relaxing now and then get the twins in a routine. I have gone mental so he has backed down but not without a lot of 'get off my back' ' stop whining' comments.

He is generally a good guy so am increasingly bewildered about how he seems to be regressing into single man attitude. I'm not sure i like him very much to be honest and just want some support when I'm feeling so tired and weaker then usual.

We dont have DCs yet but triathlon is full of couples with DCs who come along to the races and learn to swim and handle a bike from an early age!

Being cynical, its also full of middle aged men who leave their wives at hone and talk about 'weekend passes' and try to chat up younger women (usually that's where it stops). My friend and I were talking about this the other day, saying its 'eyes to the ground' to avoid eye contact with that type...

oh, spanish lady, i didn't realise that things were that bad. im sorry. your op sounded like a sport/decorating/time issue but there are clearly other things going on. we are really busy with our own sports but we take our fair share of the donkey work and make sure that each of us are happy (though i admit the house doesn't get cleaned until one of us shouts "that's it!" and we all don cleaning gear). could you go on strike (i don't mean this facetiously, you need to rest)? can you negotiate a cleaner? you must be v pregnant by now and exhausted. if your oh won't compromise then you are in a really unfair position. you are right - the cricket is his off time - that's the deal in our house - if we are knackered, skip training, matches or riding, don't renege on your household responsibilities/family. he is being vu if he expects to have extra chill out time on top.
sorry spanish :(

You say he's a great bloke, but he doesn't sound like one. He sounds selfish, inconsiderate and dismissive. Sounds like your health is suffering, not good when pregnant with twins.

In practice with two people working and small DC (unless you have great family support) there isn't time for both partners to have 10 hours to pursue their own interests every week.

Ridiculous to suggest that the OP go to the cricket to spectate! With a small DC and heavily pregnant, when she may not even like cricket!

He's a hoarder too oh you poor poor woman. My dh is a hoarder too and they are a complete nightmare to live with.

Best of luck getting him to empty out the twins room if he's anything like the procrastinating git I live with that alone will take months.

Stop cleaning. Clean when he's home to watch you doing it and can bloody help! Read a book, piss about on the internet, don't work on the only break from children you are going to get!

Be smart, OP. ask the grandparents to take the toddler to cricket, every sat, all day. Coat it on a 'it will be great for the little one, I need rest, I have no help'
His mum will soon be fed up and have words.

Why do people think that 'tit-for-tat' is the answer?

SpanishLady having equal time off isn't the point!

They both work (3 hour commute - are you mad???!!) and have only the weekends as a family. The OP's 'D'H has decided that one of those days is his day. If the OP takes the other day when are they together as a family? And taking the toddler to watch isn't the answer either!

And if he thinks that what he is doing now can happen again next year with three under fours then he needs a wake-up call right now.

Yes, he should be able to play occasionally. With occasionally being very much the operative word.

At present he is being very selfish and thoughtless.

flobs might be onto something with the threatening thing. We are in a similar position to you (I'm pregnant and we have a nursery that needs plastering and decorating).

The only thing that got dh's arse into gear was my setting a deadline, if the nursery isn't cleared of all the crap by 1st Aug I'm taking a day off work and clearing it myself which would have involved all his shit going in a landfill

Obviously you can't do it yourself but could you threaten to hire someone to clear it out if its not done by x date?

YA so NBU

10 hours every Saturday my arse

I fully agree you need to keep your own life after kids but not when it puts such a big burden on your partner, it's just selfish.

Immediate things that might make him think twice would be to employ someone (mother's help) to help you on days he plays. And a weekly cleaner. And a quote for clearing the room and disposing if its contents!

It has helped tremendously to read your views and get some support - sometimes you don't know if you are really not being holistic about a situation and can only stubbornly see your own viewpoint. I'm going to sit him down and tell him I want to get the jobs done that I feel need doing before the twins arrive as the only way for me to be able to relax and get through the last few weeks and he is just going to have to get on with it but he can see the season out. He has already said he won't play next year as sees that won't work at all. To be fair I know he is shaken about us having 3 kids under 4 - not quite the plan! And there is an element I think of my projecting my rancour that he gets to go off when before kids I used to socialise every week - it's not even as simple as his saying go out with your friends then because sorry broken record here.... I'm tired!!!!!! It will be fine I think I just need to stand up for myself abit more. Thanks everyone x

By any chance did he have a stay at home mum who did everything and therefore in his head, mums are responsible for all the jobs responsible in the home?

Or worse, a mum who worked but still did everything - and he's conveniently forgetting that chances are your hours are much longer these days and your commute is longer too but he still thinks that it is right that you do all the housework?

Also that cricket doesn't count as free time time as - well - its cricket isn't it and he's on the team so that's like work almost, he has to go and he has to work hard to play well and keep his place on the team and and... Plus if he is visiting his parents with ds on a sunday morning that feels like hard work too. Thus rationalising why he HAS to have Sunday afternoon to relax in as he's been working for the other 6 1/2 days of the week - cant you see!!!??!! Whereas you haven't done anything on Saturday or Sunday morning, as the house and chores don't count as man work and I don't see you do them and well they are probably done by the cleaning fairy and she doesn't really come often enough so she's probably relaxing and therefore if I've been relaxing for 1 1/2 days at the weekend then absolutely you are being unreasonable in not letting him have a mere half day a week to relax in. It's amazing how easily it is to twist something around completely if you (or in this case your dh!) want something badly enough and it suits their purposes!

I'm guessing too that if your dh enjoys his cricket then time will fly by and it won't feel like he's been out for that long whereas if you are at home feeling really tired with twins that you are growing inside you and ds1 being an energetic toddler (both of which are tiring in their own right let alone together) then time is going to be going slowly and you are really going to notice it so much more!

Good luck - with the twins and in persuading your dh to start thinking of others and not put himself first all the time..

3 hour commute?
Fuck me

Oh and tell him that you will be putting the cricket bats - all of them- on eBay to pay for a cleaner or mothers help if the room isn't tidy by next week/ whenever you need. And then he won't be able to play cricket as he won't have a bat to play with...

YANBU it's so hard when they are little, I had 2 under 2. My DH had no idea what's involved until I went back to work & he had them for a day, jeez he was a wreck

Sweeping generalisation but most men have no clue, it's not just the childcare it's all the housework, cooking, lack of 'me' time they just don't get.

You are not alone OP, it will get better but he needs to understand how your life has changed & how his must too

I think if you OH has agreed he won't be playing next year because you will have the twins it isn't completely unreasonable for him to finish this season. I think the problem is your lack of "me time" and the lack of family time! Would your OH agree to maybe playing every other weekend?

He should play cricket, you should get 10 hours off on Sunday.

Next 2 years will be much tougher with twin babies/toddlers, that's when you will really need the help.

OP you sound a little apologetic to be asking him to do things and make changes.

You are not "projecting" or unreasonable to be aggrieved that you have no or much less leisure time (and money to spend on yourself?) when he has 10 hours every week, or to want him to do his fair share of chores / looking after the DC. he has no more right than you to that leisure time.

The bedroom and other tasks don't have to be done as any kind of favour to you, they just need to be done because soon you will both have your hands full!

As for him fretting about having 3 DC under 4, am sure you feel likewise, but you're at home, doing the hard work, not swanning off and putting yourself before your wife's health!

Yes, please do stand up for yourself more, if he's a good person he'll do better, without complaints or expecting masses of ego-massaging!

Ehhn I'm guessing you don't have children?

The trouble with suggestions of op getting Sundays off to so whatever is that when do you spend time together as a family? When you have kids, there has to be compromise on both sides, and frankly something has to give. Both DH and I used to exercise a lot more before pre DS, and now I'm expecting dC2 I'm far too tired to do much (work ft too), but it would be unreasonable for DH to say that since I'm not doing much he can go out more and basically leave me at home to deal with housework and DS.

^^
I disagree, people need their interests too, everything being subsumed into "family time"is a recipe for desperation. The cricket season is not all year long.

zipzap 'Also that cricket doesn't count as free time time as - well - its cricket isn't it and he's on the team so that's like work almost'

Oh my word the 'discussions' we've had along those lines. Dh is a cyclist, not cricket but the same type of point has been made by him. As he swans off for cycling abroad apparantly 'It's not a holiday, it's training'

Training for what?? He's not Bradley Wiggins.

Fascinating reading. I have DH with an all consuming hobby too (surfing) which is worse in a way because I never know in advance when will "need " to go off.

But 10hours with Ds 2.9 and pgs with twins omg. I think you need to stay in bed on Sunday, literally kick him out and up with Ds. Then have a long bath do your hair, nails etc come down when you are ready then lie on the sofa reading the papers/mumsneting. You may then find you have enough energy to meet a girly friend for an early evening drink while DH does tea, bath bed. Anything else isn't fair.

Sorry Ipswichwitch but family time my arse. Round here family time means mummy running around like a bluearsed fly sorting bags, making picnics, packing car, dressing dcs while DH does important man things. Then shouting to get everyone into car. Cue 2 hours of DH not doing what the bloody hell he likes unlike the other 22 hours a day followed by unpacking car, bags washing up picnic, bathing dcs etc. NoT what OP needs in the slightest.