Dh will time consuming hobby

[SpanishLady]

Just wondering how unreasonable I'm being by wanting to hit my dh over the head with one of his 6 cricket bats?

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with twins and have a 2.9 year old. I work full time with a 3 hour commute. We pay my mum to look after our toddler during the week.

My dh plays cricket every Saturday leaving at 12 and returning between 9-10pm. I'm fed up frankly as its beginning to take a physical toll on me - I get the season is nearly through (well late September and the twins may have arrived by then) so it's not so much about his doing it now but I've gotten to thinking why on earth does he think this is ok? He knows I have back and hip pain and his answer is to just not go out and says he looks after him on a Sunday ( well until I get up) so what's the problem?

We are also arguing about decorating the babies room - it is not just a lick of paint, it needs plastering and new flooring but he wants to leave it until after Christmas as wants to enjoy relaxing now and then get the twins in a routine. I have gone mental so he has backed down but not without a lot of 'get off my back' ' stop whining' comments.

He is generally a good guy so am increasingly bewildered about how he seems to be regressing into single man attitude. I'm not sure i like him very much to be honest and just want some support when I'm feeling so tired and weaker then usual.

I think he is being totally selfish.

My DH was a cricketer and he stopped playing when DS was born. He LOVED his cricket but he stopped playing because he wanted to be with us and also saw it as unfair on me.

Your DH can always go back in a few years time and play in a more senior team and then you and the kids could go with him and watch and have a picnic. But he def can't leave you now when you need him most.

Who the hell suggested the OP should go along to watch?!!!

Dh plays very occasionally, a couple of times a year. I was hacked off about this one time, as there was stacks to do around the house. He suggested I come along to watch and we do the chores the following day. I asked him if he could recall one time, just one time in the 23 years he's known me, that I've expressed the slightest interest in cricket. (grew up in a sport-mad household and df is a cricket statistician. HATE, HATE, HATE it ALL!)

Tit for tat.
Ensure you get equal time off.
Don't bother cleaning if he won't help.
Bring the children to cricket.

Good grief, this thread might well win the award for the crappest advise ever!

OP, I really feel for you. Toddler and 5 month old here, and my mind boggles about the twin aspect, you have so much in your plate. Having a full weekend day to ones self is just not on during this phase of our lives. Yes, the odd coffee to one self, the odd shopping trip, football match etc.. That is fine. But when you have really young children, all consuming hobbies have to be suspended. There really is no way around it. Good luck xx

I am also a cricket wag. DH plays indoor once a week, trains once a week (there are two training sessions but he only goes to one as otherwise he'd be out 3 nights in a row) and plays both cricket both in the summer and winter (I'm in Oz). He also loves watching sport on the TV and is a member at the stadium to watch state and international matches.
We have two DCs (2 & 4 months). We do go and watch - mainly when the club have a 'big' match on or a social event or an event aimed at the kids as my toddler is a bolter and it certainly isn't relaxing chasing him and look after the baby at the same time!
Cricket is his passion (I met him when he came to the UK to watch the Ashes) and whilst I don't want to 'make' him give it up, he knows that playing so much is unfeasable when I return to work after being a sahm as there will not be time for family time otherwise. He also only stays at the club for one drink after the match and then returns home. So I think that staying out until 10pm after the match is also something your DH needs to compromise on.
Good luck with your chat with him.

He doesn't have to give up sport, he should just take up a sport which he can involve the children with. Surely he wants to interact with them!

Cycling is good as they can start very young with trailers, pull alongs etc as is swimming. He could have a break, then they can take up cricket with him when they are of age. Running also, you could get a buggy that he can run with.

Hi mumofwombat I'm in Oz too. Is your DH watching the Ashes at the moment? Mine is, that's why I'm on here!

(sorry for thread hi jack...)

My hobby is something that I also get paid for (am a music teacher and a freelance musician) so it makes sense for me to take on as much paid work as I can. However I have curtailed the social life that goes with it, and am becoming better and more assertive at making plans work for us as a family.

DH works shifts and does 2 weekends out of 7, so our weekends when we're all around are precious. It's not because we do exciting days out etc but it's more so that there is the solidarity about housework etc. DH is brilliant at the 'big job'-ie rearranging all the furniture, clearing out the kitchen or the garage, doing a big declutter. I am good at household maintenance, general cleaning, food shopping etc. we therefore organise our time as a family so that it runs smoothly along these lines.

Yeah, although I'm sometimes suspicious of all those blokes who proudly puff out their chests as "doing their bit around the house" as they change the light bulbs every few months, put the bins out when reminded and mow the lawn a few months of the year. Meanwhile their wives are catering 3 meals a day (EVERY day), doing all the laundry week in-week out, and cleaning and tidying 24/7 too.

clam loved your cricket rant, I don't get cricket either, or I fact any sport.

I'm not sure he should finish the season, he has a nursery to sort out. If he wants to finish the season then he pays for a decorator to do the nursery.

My DH is a cycling obsessed, trains 5 days a week and races one day each weekend between April and Sept. Also works long hours so cramming this all in seriously impacts our family life (DD 21 mo). He is very supportive when he is around but he is away too much so we've had lots of chats and heated arguments about it and he has accepted this will be his last full racing season, I am happy for him to do some as it is and has been such a passion for over 20 yrs but I think anyone who is trying to squeeze in a time consuming hobby has to accept at some point something's got to give and it can't be family. I don't have any magic answers OP but in your situation being pregnant and needing some important decorating done, I think he needs to accept his season ends now. You can look at things again next year.

He really should be finding every opportunity to support you bring so heavily pregnant with twins.

I think these men need to prioritize being husbands and fathers over their sport. That's it, unless they are professionals perhaps and it is the family income....in which case their sport would be making a contribution.

The only time my dh has been away for more than an hour or two since ds was born two and a half years ago was for work. He works ft and actually wants to spend time with us. There is no way on earth i would put up with him being away 10 hours every weekend.

DH only plays third XI these days as he's frankly getting on a bit for a cricket player! When you factor in training, plus he's a coach and involved in the admin side it gets a bit much sometimes.
btw, for those saying just go and watch him play, It's no fun going to watch a match if you're not really into it especially with young ones as you end up chasing them around, making sure they're not near the sight screens etc. the relaxed picnics in the sun only happen once they're older and less prone to running off.
Anyway it's not like the OP will be able to actually spend any time with him as he'll either be fielding or hanging around waiting to bat.
I personally would accept him finishing the season off with the proviso that he finds someone reliable or pays someone to decorate. And I would still go with the bin bags....
He's going to be in for a big shock when the twins come and there's a long time till next season. His thinking may well have changed by then.

It sounds as if you have a pretty raw deal in this partnership. I agree that individuals should be able to have hobbies and interests. So it's a combination of working full time, the long commute and then a whole day when you are getting no help whatsoever and not much family time that's the problem. Not just the cricket.

My OH has switched from playing weekend cricket to mid-week cricket. The games are after work, just as competitive, but shorter and mean he is around at the weekends (well, mostly. He's playing cricket even as I type this!) His team have just won their league and been promoted - he's very happy. He only plays cricket once or twice a year now on a weekend - a huge improvement from when he used to play all day saturday and all day sunday!

OP I would draw a list of things that need to be done. All of it, not just the nursery but also the cooking, washing, ironing etc etc. All in nice separate lines, not one big lump saying 'Clothes' but separate the washing, putting stuff to dry, ironing, putting away.
Add all the bits you do with your oldest dc, inlc settling for a nap, playing, feeding, bath time etc etc.
Add any time out you have for yourself and how long it last (ie his cricket, your bath etc...)
Be as thorough as you can.
Separate the weekdays and the weekends.
Then put the list in front of your DH and ask him to tick all the things he is doing and all the things you are doing.
Do the same and compare. Discuss.

How can you redress the balance? What would be fair to do? How much energy do you both have? (If he is able to do lengthy match of cricket, I would imagine he has quite a bit of energy whereas you clearly don't.)
And also have a chat about what needs to be done before the birth, timing etc... And what sort of responsibility you will both take when the twins are there.

My DH and I used to have very time consuming hobbies. When I met him and moved in with him, it meant the end of my hobby (location related). But I could completely understand that for him, his hobby was a very important part of his life and he didn't want to give it up. I would have never asked him to do so.
BUT I have expected him to also be a dad and a real partner to me, which meant sharing the parenting of our dcs. I've had to really push for it and took too much on to start with which meant I ended extremely exhausted, not a good scenario for me or for the dcs tbh. So he did curtails his hobby. Not every week but every other week. I also imposed him to have the dcs for the full day (initially we said every other week too but it ended more like once a month) whilst I had some time for myself.
That's what happens when you have a family, and esp a young family. When the dcs are getting older, I am finding that we have started to do more things again.
To me being a mum or a dad trumps any hobby and I would expect the father of my dsc to feel like it too and decide on his own to reduce the hours of his hobby, even it means some pushing into that direction.

Thank you for all replies! Well we had a chat that was abit charged to start with but when I explained it felt like he had no respect for me and my son came in and chimed in daddy mums very tired because of my sister babies (as he calls the twins) he looked ashen. He went off and came back after 5 mins and apologised - he said he had taken advantage of my good nature and was sorry - he has asked me what I wanted to do and he'll sort it out (started by taking stuff to the tip and charity shop for me). He is seeing out the season ( my offer) but said Sundays he'll do what I want and he will make sure the nursery is done in time. He said he is of course up for being a dad of 3 and came downstairs last night to say he has looked into a season ticket for him and our son for our local football team and will take him from Christmas to see if he likes it and give him 1-1 time with him so it's not all about the twins. I am relieved and pleased that he is trying and putting his money where his mouth is! He has offered to pay for me to have my hair done too - beware the power of mn!!!!!!

Glad you've sorted out some things OP.

But a season ticket for him and DC1 while you are at home with twin babies sounds like more of a treat for him than DC1. He could just take DC1 to the sport now and then without committing all that time.

Glad that it's finally sinking in and he is starting to realise how much he is taking the piss. However, I am a little bit concerned about how helpful his jaunt out to the football for a whole afternoon every other saturday with the easy-to-manage child leaving exhausted post-partum new mother with newborn twins 1 to 1 quality time will be.

You should hire out DS. He has perfect timing!

Well if the babies come early or your admitted to hospital for bed rest due to exhaustion he will have to step up may be you should warn him this frequently happens with twins and let him think on it.Honestly you are so not unreasonable.Im a mum of twins the last few weeks are hell.

Glad he has taken note but sounds like he's still dyermined to get a fixed dose of sport in the weekend!

What's he going to do if ds1 doesn't want to go? Dh adores rugby and so does ds1 but at 8 he's only really just old enough to go and enjoy the matches on odd occasions. No way would ds2 (5) want to go a) in the big crowds and b) to watch a match for that time. Especially in the winter when it's bitterly cold and you notice it more just sitting still. And I don't think I'd particularly want either ds at a big match every fortnight if they were barely 3 - I think they are just too young then and it's asking for trouble.

You don't want to end up with him saying that as he has the tickets it would be a shame to waste them so at least if he goes on his own he won't be wasting the more expensive ticket. And then you're left at home pooped with all the kids to look after...

I would suggest you allocate the season ticket money to different daddy/ds1 jaunts. So the football once, but the zoo, the local steam train, going for a swim together, even just to the park together or whatever's good locally. Both ds1 and dh have very happy memories of doing these thing together when ds2 was born just before ds1 was 3.

From your dh's reaction you'll also know if the footie is something he wants to do and sees it as a way of liking two birds with one stone or if he's happy to just do lots of different things then he genuinely is happy to be spending time with ds1!

oops! determined that was supposed to say...

A season ticket for him and a 2 year old?!!! Please tell him not to do this! He'll buy it, your DS won't sit still (if he's anything like mine were at 2) and won't want to go. Your DH won't want to take him, but he'll have to go on his own as he's 'got to see the season out and has paid for the ticket now, so can't waste it...'

He needs to start thinking what's best for the family, not what he can get away with!