Dh will time consuming hobby

[SpanishLady]

Just wondering how unreasonable I'm being by wanting to hit my dh over the head with one of his 6 cricket bats?

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with twins and have a 2.9 year old. I work full time with a 3 hour commute. We pay my mum to look after our toddler during the week.

My dh plays cricket every Saturday leaving at 12 and returning between 9-10pm. I'm fed up frankly as its beginning to take a physical toll on me - I get the season is nearly through (well late September and the twins may have arrived by then) so it's not so much about his doing it now but I've gotten to thinking why on earth does he think this is ok? He knows I have back and hip pain and his answer is to just not go out and says he looks after him on a Sunday ( well until I get up) so what's the problem?

We are also arguing about decorating the babies room - it is not just a lick of paint, it needs plastering and new flooring but he wants to leave it until after Christmas as wants to enjoy relaxing now and then get the twins in a routine. I have gone mental so he has backed down but not without a lot of 'get off my back' ' stop whining' comments.

He is generally a good guy so am increasingly bewildered about how he seems to be regressing into single man attitude. I'm not sure i like him very much to be honest and just want some support when I'm feeling so tired and weaker then usual.

He sounds v selfish. He needs to not book anything regular for the next year and just be at home!!

I had a husband like this.
It never improved.

Draw a line now and do what it takes to sort this as now your eyes have been opened you will get more and more resentful.

I think you might try counselling to unpick this.

Good luck

Just re-read the post where you said you get Sunday mornings off, yet apart from grabbing a bath (which after all, ought to be a basic human right!), you spend it cleaning the house. How is this a "morning off?"

She gets the Sunday, until she wakes up.

Season tickets for footie, my arse!

He needs kicked into touch. Hire someone in to clear his shit out of that room.

I am de-lurking to say DO NOT FALL FOR THE SEASON TICKET IDEA. It is plainly designed to get your H out of helping you in any meaningful way.

YABU? You presumably knew your partner had these hobbies etc when you chose to have more children with him? Stop "moving the goalposts" now - it is totally unfair and if you were my partner i would "kick you into touch."

So a person should carry on behaving exactly as they did when child free when they have THREE little kids? Otherwise it is moving the goalposts? PMSL.

What's he going to do if DS hates going to football? Just go on his own? Take a mate instead? And it still means him buggering off for a good 4 hours every other Saturday. He could try doing something he knows DS will like - take him swimming/to the park if he wants to spend time with him.

I see we have another poster parachuting in from the 1950s.

Age of illusion-are you the OP's husband??!

Sorry Ipswichwitch but family time my arse. Round here family time means mummy running around like a bluearsed fly sorting bags, making picnics, packing car, dressing dcs while DH does important man things. Then shouting to get everyone into car. Cue 2 hours of DH not doing what the bloody hell he likes unlike the other 22 hours a day followed by unpacking car, bags washing up picnic, bathing dcs etc. NoT what OP needs in the slightest.

Sorry wishihadabs that family time for you is that stressful, and I'm not suggesting that the op needs to add to her stress any more. I just don't personally think that one parent disappearing all day Saturday, then the other disappearing all day Sunday is particularly ideal when you have DC. Yes, sometimes we don't all get along brilliantly when we're all together but we wouldn't have it any other way

i have not read the whole thread but I have 3.5yo DS and 15DTs and have a cricket playing DH so I thought i'd jump in with my twopenneth worth. (will try and be brief)

I knew my DH was a cricketer when I met him, when I agreed to marry him and when we decided to have a family. I knew that it was his passion and it involves him being out all Saturdays. it would be deeply wrong of me to ask him to change this. it is part of who he is. he would eventually resent me for taking it from him. and I wouldn't like myself very much if I asked him to give it up.

While I was pregnant with our twins he made sure the umpire had his phone so I could always reach him if I needed. he did choose not to go to mid-week nets and he gave up the captaincy for that year - these were his choice though, not me asking.

when our twins were born he missed one game (the day they were born!) but was back playing the next week. (although I did have my DM come to spend the Saturday with me).

He has missed only one other game since which was when DT1 was in hospital.

DH chooses not to go out on the socials and he hasn't gone on the overseas tours since DTs but that is financial rather than me not wanting him to go.

we make sure we have quality family time on sundays, he uses some of his holidays on random Mondays so we get a 'full weekend' occasionally. plus we have the whole off season to have full weekends.

so to be honest I think YABU (but I remember how hormonal it was being pregnant with twins and that does play a part). how would you feel if he asked you to change/give up something fundamental about who you are?

sorry, that was very long!

I accepted that the cricket came with DH too, it's a massively ingrained part of our relationship now, even though when we first got together I couldn't tell which team was batting... tbh I quite enjoy the fact that we both have hobbies and time to ourselves away from the family. Accepting him warts, cricket bat and all doesn't make me a 1950's housewife either, or naive or any other dismissive insult people tend to throw at posters who disagree on threads like this. It just makes me different.
OP. if you're still reading this, only you two can deal with it. Let him take DS to football, he may enjoy it, he may not. If it's not for him then DH will need to rethink and come up with more practical suggestions. The season tickets won't be out till next year anyway, the twins will have been born by then I think and reality should have kicked in.

I think part of this is how good a DH/dad the rest of the time.

If the OPs DH was an amazing husband and father all the time, but went off playing cricket on Saturday then that could be totally reasonable.

Seems a bit like the 'straw that broke te canals back' tho in that he is lazy the rest of the time.

"it is part of who he is" LMAO!

Oh, and I suppose being left at home with three kids under three, two of whom are newborn twins is "part of who she is" as well? Along with housework?

I'm sorry, but I just do not understand how anyone, regardless of gender, could bugger off on a jolly for 10 hours at a time, leaving their partner in this sort of situation. I would not dream of doing it, nor would my dh. It's just not fair.

When our dcs were these ages, dh was offered golf membership as a Christmas gift from mil. He politely refused, saying it would involve too much time out of the house, which was unfair to me. Instead, he got his sport 'fix' by playing squash/tennis/whatever of shorter duration, ensuring games were in the evenings after the kids had gone to bed. Or, he'd take them off to the big food shop on a Saturday morning, giving me free time (which wasn't for housework, unlike another thread somewhere on here) and play squash during their nap in the afternoon.

Now the kids are mid-teens, he's taken up golf again and it's all good. Glad to see the back of him sometimes, frankly.

I'd thank him for the season ticket and agree that your son will need some one to one. I would suggest that instead of going to the footie with dad one to one time is spent with you while he stays at home with the twins.

A love of anything is part of who someone is Clam, I have a love of camping. DH tolerates it because it's part of my nature, I practially grew up outdoors and want the DC's to experience the freedoms that I had. DH isn't religious, I'm Pagan. Again part of who I am. I go running. Dh thinks I'm off my box. DH has to be doing something, anything all the time. Relaxing definitely is Not part of his nature. Drives me potty, I can happily sit and just be for hours. But I put up with it even when I want to put him under the patio he's relaying. Cricket is a massive part of his family, he was a junior player, has been a scorer, he's been involved for decades all the way up to occasional (slightly out of shape) third team player, coach and various Admin roles. I knew this when I met him. Half of our early social life revolved around the place and it still does, only with children involved. DS plays to a very high standard, DD has started now and loves it. We're starting up a development group for basic skills next year because the demand is so high, so guess who's now got herself involved??
The OP's husband isn't being realistic and is in for a hell of a shock when these babies arrive, that much is certain and he HAS dropped the cricket. Maybe naively thinking he can take the DS to football but he's made a start.
Accepting each other is part of a relationship I thought, rather than laying down the law and 'allowing' each other to do things away from the family. I assumed it was give and take (and before I get jumped on, yes, of course the DH needs to give more..)

I would separate what we do from who we are. What we do is not static, we should adapt to the situation. Our own interests, are ultimately selfish by definition (its in the own bit). They should not be put before the people we love, or indeed our Faith (if we have one). What about what is best for the family? If a particular selfish interest is always put first, it can become a kind of addiction and should be treated as such. COLD TURKEY!!!??

Thanks for that flobbadobs. Having been happily married for 18 years, I'd never have realised.

I know a woman who is mad for softball. Coaches, travels, umpires, everything. Do you think she left her DDs at home with her DH while she did all this when they were small? No. She had a few years off then restarted when they were old enough to come and enjoy it. Softball is PART of who she is but not as big a part as being a mother.

Happily hitched myself for not much less clam, no need for sarcasm, just putting my view across.
It just strikes me a lot on here that there is an awful lot of 'he is a bastard' if a man does his own thing away from the family. Yet on another thread today a wife is told she is being U to not let her DH play football for quite a few hours a week.
This place is incredibly weird at times..
Hiding thread, enjoy yourselves x

That is all very well mrspratchett. However, softball is a minority sport - who here knows what it entails? - whereas cricket and football are two of our national sports. The OP's partner is ensuring his child gets off on the right footing by getting them into one of these sports at an early age. You are on a seriously "sticky wicket" mrsp if you are suggesting that anybody should be foregoing family time - nay, any time - for a 'sport' which few outside a tiny minorty, participate in.

' However, softball is a minority sport - who here knows what it entails? - whereas cricket and football are two of our national sports. The OP's partner is ensuring his child gets off on the right footing by getting them into one of these sports at an early age. You are on a seriously "sticky wicket" mrsp if you are suggesting that anybody should be foregoing family time - nay, any time - for a 'sport' which few outside a tiny minorty, participate in.'

"gets off on the right footing?" By watching football? At full-length matches at two years old so his dad has a cast-iron excuse to get out of baby duties.

Have heard it all now!