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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU telling my friend to man up and stop feeling sorry for himself?

136 replies

Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 00:41

On facebook Friday evening, a not too discreet friend of mine had a rant about how her OH (who I met her through and am friends with too) had gone to bed really early in a strop, leaving her to deal with a new born, a 3 year old and a very messy house, with both kids crying.

She seemed to be getting some support from their families on there and I don't particularly agree with airing dirty laundry on facebook so I messaged him instead to check everything was ok.

He got back to me today and I have to say I'm absolutely bloody livid.

He's pissed off that the government won't give them any cash towards the rent now that they've had their planned 2nd child.

I'll give you some basic background. He works in a low paid job and is determined there's no point in trying to get a better one because he has no qualifications. His other half has never worked and they say it's because of the children despite her not working before they were born either.

The reason the government won't give them any more is because between various benefits they're already getting in excess of £200 a week on top of his wage.

He's always spending money on his car and they both smoke and drink frequently, have decent phones etc... so they do have spare cash.

Myself: age 25 and have held off having a child until now as me and OH agreed we needed a better combined wage to stay comfortable. Now between us earning in excess of 50k (on similar wages to eachother) but each working bloody hard to get to where we are.

I tried to gently explain to him that most people only plan to have children when they can afford to bring them up, explained that the government doesn't have an endless pot of cash etc...

He then told me that he should be entitled to more because of 'all the foreigners who come to this country and get housed in £2m houses.'

I then told him he's bloody lucky to get the help he does and that he shouldn't have actively planned to have 2 kids that he obviously doesn't think he can afford.

He's now not talking to me.

AIBU? I have the same background as him and we've had similar opportunities in life. I made what I could of myself and he didn't. Should I have had a bit more sympathy?

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 11/08/2013 00:44

And these are your friends that you're judging? Hmm

This is just another not so cleverly disguised benefit bashing thread.

Casmama · 11/08/2013 00:46

You sound pretty unpleasant and goady with some lazy, entitled and racist friends.

Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 00:48

I'm not under the impression that all his views are correct because he's my friend. Forgive me for being a realist!

I have no issue with him getting the benefits he's entitled to. I DO have an issue with him expecting the government to raise his kids. It's the sense of entitlement that infuriates me.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 11/08/2013 00:49

You aren't a realist.

You're a goader.

Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 00:51

I'm a goader because I've expressed I don't agree with his sense of entitlement?

OP posts:
zippey · 11/08/2013 00:54

YANBU - tell him to stop feeling sorry for himself and blaming the immigrants for his problems.

AgentZigzag · 11/08/2013 00:54

Have to agree with YouTheCat.

You must have known before now your friend had these views and accepted them as part of him, why would it make you livid now?

Maybe best all round if you back off from them, it's not good for your blood pressure.

Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 00:55

Youthecat - I'm guessing from your reaction that you pretend to agree with your friends as a general rule even if you really think that they need to hear a couple of home truths?

OP posts:
Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 00:56

Agentzigzag - the views are actually quite a shock to me, as was the blatent racism. Confused

OP posts:
Casmama · 11/08/2013 00:57

Jolleigh you have no basis for that stupid and offensive guess.

Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 00:58

Zippey - good to know there's someone here who'll say what needs to be said!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 11/08/2013 00:58

Sometimes you do have to 'pretend' you don't have an issue with something a good friend does/doesn't do, but this seems to wind you up so much it's unusual for you to have not given him the fuck off before now.

You must have talked about what benefits he's on if you know the ins and outs of them, why did you decide to continue the friendship at that point?

YouTheCat · 11/08/2013 01:01

I never pretend to agree with my friends, ever.

Most of my friends hold pretty similar views to me.

But if any expressed racism, I'd most certainly pull them up on it.

Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 01:02

Agentzigzag - I knew they got some benefits. I've helped him out with a CV before at a point where he seemed to have the motivation to try to climb the ladder but he got a bit put off when he didn't get immediate job offers unfortunately. Like I've said, I have no issue with them receiving the benefits they're entitled to. It's his views about why he should get more that boils my blood.

OP posts:
Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 01:03

Casmama - what have I guessed exactly?

OP posts:
LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 11/08/2013 01:06

Oh, no. Sad

I'm so sorry for you, earning over 50k. Sad Sad

And at 25! Having worked for so many years! Sad Sad Sad

I can't begin to imagine how shit it feels to know you've been a burden on the state for most of your life and now you're begrudging support to people you call friends.

May I suggest philanthropic donations as they way forward?

notanyanymore · 11/08/2013 01:08

Taking it on face value, no your not a goader and have every reason to be pissed off. But, if we all live in the Guardian world (which is totally more high brow then the Daily Mail and not in any way as devisive and stereotypical) then you are being a right little assy pants and need to wind your neck in and not disagree with the MN philanthropists who have no idea of the kind of life your talking about.

Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 01:10

LRDY - Is it just the fact that I've stated my household earnings that pisses you off? Or the fact that I'm young and earning a good wage? Because I certainly wasn't here trying to get people to feel sorry for me. In fact I was actually asking if I should have shown more sympathy myself.

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 11/08/2013 01:11

ODFOD.

AgentZigzag · 11/08/2013 01:11

I wasn't talking about not saying anything to a friend about huge clashes of opinions, but maybe if I thought a bloke was a complete wanker wasn't for them, I know from experience to keep my gob shut Grin

Any philanthropic donations can be forwarded to [email protected]

Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 01:11

Jesus, people do get upset if you're in a good job and mention benefits!

OP posts:
LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 11/08/2013 01:12

joll - but I am sorry for you! Shock

Why don't you take me seriously?

I find this terribly upsetting.

YouTheCat · 11/08/2013 01:12

What LBE said.

AgentZigzag · 11/08/2013 01:13

Nah, LRDY's just wel jel, innit.

AgentZigzag · 11/08/2013 01:14

Are you alright LRDY pet?

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