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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU telling my friend to man up and stop feeling sorry for himself?

136 replies

Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 00:41

On facebook Friday evening, a not too discreet friend of mine had a rant about how her OH (who I met her through and am friends with too) had gone to bed really early in a strop, leaving her to deal with a new born, a 3 year old and a very messy house, with both kids crying.

She seemed to be getting some support from their families on there and I don't particularly agree with airing dirty laundry on facebook so I messaged him instead to check everything was ok.

He got back to me today and I have to say I'm absolutely bloody livid.

He's pissed off that the government won't give them any cash towards the rent now that they've had their planned 2nd child.

I'll give you some basic background. He works in a low paid job and is determined there's no point in trying to get a better one because he has no qualifications. His other half has never worked and they say it's because of the children despite her not working before they were born either.

The reason the government won't give them any more is because between various benefits they're already getting in excess of £200 a week on top of his wage.

He's always spending money on his car and they both smoke and drink frequently, have decent phones etc... so they do have spare cash.

Myself: age 25 and have held off having a child until now as me and OH agreed we needed a better combined wage to stay comfortable. Now between us earning in excess of 50k (on similar wages to eachother) but each working bloody hard to get to where we are.

I tried to gently explain to him that most people only plan to have children when they can afford to bring them up, explained that the government doesn't have an endless pot of cash etc...

He then told me that he should be entitled to more because of 'all the foreigners who come to this country and get housed in £2m houses.'

I then told him he's bloody lucky to get the help he does and that he shouldn't have actively planned to have 2 kids that he obviously doesn't think he can afford.

He's now not talking to me.

AIBU? I have the same background as him and we've had similar opportunities in life. I made what I could of myself and he didn't. Should I have had a bit more sympathy?

OP posts:
LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 11/08/2013 01:14

I am, agent, it is true.

Sad
Original poster
Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 01:15

I appear to have rubbed several people up the wrong way...all without trying! Touched a raw nerve have I?

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 11/08/2013 01:18

Not really. Just fed up with so many threads started as a deliberate stab at people on benefits.

Because we're all such scroungers.

Original poster
Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 01:19

Pretty sure I've made it clear this isn't about the benefits...it's about his attitude to the whole system based on his racist views.

OP posts:
notanyanymore · 11/08/2013 01:21

Well maybe you should look a bit more closely at others like OP who have worked hard to get out of it, rather then have a pop at her for pointing out the bleeding obvious.

YouTheCat · 11/08/2013 01:22

No it isn't. You only mentioned that in passing after you'd had a go because he dares to be on benefits and smoke and enjoy a drink and run a car. What he does with the money he gets is none of your business.

Original poster
Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 01:23

I'm starting to realise that for a lot of people commenting, the main reason I look like a bitch is because I don't get benefits myself and therefore am not allowed to even mention the B word in a thread that's actually about a friend's attitude and me asking whether I should have shown more sympathy.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 11/08/2013 01:23

Oh and here's another one. Hmm

You have no idea of my circumstances or life and are clearly not qualified to have a view about me.

CorrineFoxworth · 11/08/2013 01:23

LRD

Are you okay with all the sad-faces? Poor you.

And yes, OP, you are a joke.

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 11/08/2013 01:24

Ok, in all seriousness, joll, the issue is, you seem to have an issue with people who

  • don't have qualifications. (Ie., maybe they're in a worse position than you, huh?)
  • have planned their baby
  • have phones
  • are not puritans.

Yes, his racism is shitty and crap. But love, you are 25. It's not like you've done a massive amount of paying into the system, is it?

Original poster
Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 01:25

ah so it is my age that stops me from being entitled to an opinion on someone else's attitude?

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 11/08/2013 01:26

Your age doesn't stop you from having an opinion.

I was 25 once and had no idea what life was about to throw at me.

AgentZigzag · 11/08/2013 01:28

'I look like a bitch'

Do you feel like a bitch?

Because nobody else has called you anything like that.

Anyone can have an opinion on benefits, but it's the way the person talks about them that dictates the direction of the thread.

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 11/08/2013 01:29

Having an opinion is fine. I'm 28. I have an opinion.

But I also know that I am very fortunate that my education and health were heavily subsidized. At our age, it isn't as if we've spent long years paying for this guy's children. In fact, we might (or I might) feel a bit of a pang that he's not got qualifications and is finding it hard.

By all means feel angry he's scapegoating people for racist reasons, but I don't understand why you'd think the rest of your OP is ok.

Original poster
Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 01:30

Keep it coming ladies. Pretty sure you're sware by this point that this isn't about the fact that my friend is on benefits so once you've got your frustration at the fact I had the nerve to mention it out of your systems, maybe one of you could give me something constructive as to how I could have shown more sympathy and been more supportive.

Or alternatively I suppose you could all ignore the fact that this isn't about me being 25 and have an opinion.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 11/08/2013 01:32

Arf at 'ladies'

YouTheCat · 11/08/2013 01:33

We already said it has nothing to do with your age or circumstances.

He's a racist and therefore is a twat.

The benefits and his level of education is completely irrelevant but you chose to mention them.

Did you ever consider that, despite having the same opportunities as you, he is maybe not you and maybe not academically bright enough to have taken advantage of those opportunities?

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 11/08/2013 01:34

I'm a laydee, agent.

Though, I do think it may be time to point to the OP's sexism and purported objection to racism, and ponder the contradictions ...

notanyanymore · 11/08/2013 01:34

People's 'circumstances'? that money comes out of the wages of other peoples work so actually, it is their business. If you need it, good. I hope it goes to you.

CorrineFoxworth · 11/08/2013 01:34

Well if you are truly asking for advice then I might suggest you ry to get new friends. Who don't make you livid.

If you can.

Does that help?

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 11/08/2013 01:34

YY, well said you.

Original poster
Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 01:35

LRDY - guessing I'm 'sexist' because I'm talking about a male friend?

OP posts:
CorrineFoxworth · 11/08/2013 01:36

try, naturally.

Original poster
Jolleigh · 11/08/2013 01:37

Youthecat - if anything, I'd say he's brighter than me.

OP posts:
LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 11/08/2013 01:37

Noooo ... guessing wrong.