AIBU telling my friend to man up and stop feeling sorry for himself?

[Jolleigh]

On facebook Friday evening, a not too discreet friend of mine had a rant about how her OH (who I met her through and am friends with too) had gone to bed really early in a strop, leaving her to deal with a new born, a 3 year old and a very messy house, with both kids crying.

She seemed to be getting some support from their families on there and I don't particularly agree with airing dirty laundry on facebook so I messaged him instead to check everything was ok.

He got back to me today and I have to say I'm absolutely bloody livid.

He's pissed off that the government won't give them any cash towards the rent now that they've had their planned 2nd child.

I'll give you some basic background. He works in a low paid job and is determined there's no point in trying to get a better one because he has no qualifications. His other half has never worked and they say it's because of the children despite her not working before they were born either.

The reason the government won't give them any more is because between various benefits they're already getting in excess of £200 a week on top of his wage.

He's always spending money on his car and they both smoke and drink frequently, have decent phones etc... so they do have spare cash.

Myself: age 25 and have held off having a child until now as me and OH agreed we needed a better combined wage to stay comfortable. Now between us earning in excess of 50k (on similar wages to eachother) but each working bloody hard to get to where we are.

I tried to gently explain to him that most people only plan to have children when they can afford to bring them up, explained that the government doesn't have an endless pot of cash etc...

He then told me that he should be entitled to more because of 'all the foreigners who come to this country and get housed in £2m houses.'

I then told him he's bloody lucky to get the help he does and that he shouldn't have actively planned to have 2 kids that he obviously doesn't think he can afford.

He's now not talking to me.

AIBU? I have the same background as him and we've had similar opportunities in life. I made what I could of myself and he didn't. Should I have had a bit more sympathy?

Just read this thread. OP, without revealing my views on "benefit scroungers who are irresponsible in having children when they can't afford it", surely if these people are your "friends" then the old adage "if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" applies. Even when only talking about them on an Internet forum rather than to them.

It sounds as though you should cut your friendship with this couple as their life values are clearly at odds with yours. Friendship is about shared interests and values and/or support. Not self-aggrandising judgement.

YANBU. I cant actually believe people are disagreeing with you. But thats mn for you. Cant mention benefits without everyone thinking your bashing them. Stupid mentality.

He's entitled to the money, he's entitled to spend it on fags and booze, he's entitled to decide to have another child.

Dont people even read the op properly? OP clearly states that she agrees with this. What she doesn't agree with is her friend spending his money on doing up his car and then moaning that he doesn't get anymore money from the government to support his newborn.

Think we've moved on from that now Mendi...my friend and I are back on the same page. The thread appears to have continued because 'benefit' has become a dirty word that very few people appear to be allowed an opinion on.

I can't believe you can't believe people have different opinions to you ilovebabytv.

Every thread must be a revelation.

Sorry you are having a hard time on here OP. I get your point, I am glad that your friend has looked at his finances.

I am not on benefits, I also think that the benefits system shouldn't be used to fund non essentials that if I were short on money I would cut back on/give up.

The truth is that there are people that milk the system, there are people that use benefits out of choice but MN people don't seem to believe that. There's are also people that genuinely have to rely on benefits to live. I think that the government should be looking at identifying which group people belong to so the correct people get the right support. The country can't sustain the current demand and there isn't a quick fix.

You are allowed the opinion.

We are allowed to think it is smug and arrogant

Dictating what people spend their money on is arrogant in the extreme.

Don't worry about me Pigsmummy - I'm thick skinned and grew up in the kind of area where milking the system had become a way of life for many. Regardless of the backlash I'm getting from people on here, there are enough people who see the issue the same way as me that I haven't completely lost my faith in humanity

A week away with no tinterweb and back to the goady fuckers. Time for a longer holiday I think....

If anyone found my post arrogant or smug please do tell me how. Surely saying that I am not on benefits doesn't make me either?

I also don't agree with a lot of the abuse and accusations you are getting on here. It's a shame that people sometimes hone in to some phrase or terminology, often unrelated and berate you for it. You probably do harbour some ill feeling against people who try and play the system, but that's not a bad thing.

I shouldn't have said most people get benefits, but if you have children, and your joint income is 50k, you get child benefit. The system isn't overburdened. It works. I don't mind paying my taxes knowing it goes to helping people who need it.

I also think people shouldn't necessarily try and live on the minimum, people should spend their benefit money on whatever they want.

Sure there are those who take advantage of the situation they are in. It's part of human nature. The MP's do it re expenses, bankers etc. there's little difference between that lot and someone doing work for cash in hand etc.