AIBU to be upset with DD?

[EndlessInanity]

Backstory: DD is 24. She went to a grammar school and got good results at GCSE and A Level, although not what we hoped. There was an incident in her year 12 where her good friend / boyfriend allegedly raped her, and she struggled for a bit to continue academically. I say allegedly because I am unclear on the details and she did talk to him for a while afterwards. She got AABB, but we hoped for more. One of the As was in a subject she had natural talent in, and completed the entire A Level in one year.

We wanted her to go to university to study that subject, but she didn't want to go. She time after sixth form working in various temp jobs, but spent most of her money on going out. She decided during this time to start university. The summer before uni, she fell pregnant with a man she'd been seeing for only a few months (though she had known him longer) and decided to keep the baby. She started university whilst pregnant. Long story short, she had a very difficult pregnancy (health & relationship) and had to repeat that year of uni. Her relationship (now marriage) broke down due to some bad behaviour on his part and they divorced. DD became depressed and left uni to return home (she was a couple of hours away).

She got a new place at a more local uni & transferred, because we knew that the most important thing was for her to get her degree. She should have just finished her second year, but has told us that she won't be continuing as she has decided that she wants to pursue work in a different field, has started volunteering to get experience in that field (financially supported by her new partner) and apparently 'can't face uni'. Apparently trying to complete under the 'pressure' has made her mentally ill. I knew she'd been on antidepressants, but I don't think she's depressed. Probably more likely just tired. So close to the end, it seems such a waste. DH and I have supported her financially through her time at university, as we agreed at the start, so feel we have made an investment too. She says she will pay us back when she can, and that isn't really the issue. I'm just so disappointed in her.

Honestly? You sound very harsh with her. I think she needs a break to be honest .

YAB so very U I don't even know where to start

Yes. Yes you are.

This better be a reverse AIBU.

I really don't know where to begin. It sounds like your daughter has had a ridiculously tough time and nothing she does is ever good enough for you. Poor girl.

Getting a degree really isn't the be all and end all. A dd who isn't depressed and lost might be a better thing to focus on.

Are you comparing her to friends kids by any chance?

I can understand why you might think it is a waste.

Nonetheless YABVU.

Absolutely horrible. You doubt she was raped, you doubt she is depressed and are disappointed in her? Nice

YABU.

Your post sounds quite worrying and I think you're misjudging the situation massively.

You sound quite dismissive of the sexual assault/rape (and just because she talked to the guy afterwards doesn't mean it wasn't assault/rape).

You are also dismissing mental health issues/depression as 'tiredness'.

Leave the poor girl be....just be there for here. Don't be disappointed. Stop judging her choices and relationships. And stop pushing her in a way she clearly doesn't want to go.

Christ, the poor girl.
She's been through an enormous amount. I think you should support her emotionally and not just get your "investment" back.
God, I want to give her a hug. From what you've posted, YABU.

Oh my god.

Your poor daughter.

This will sound harsh but she is probably disappointed that you didn't believe her that she was raped, that you don't believe she is depressed and that her entire worth is judged by you in terms of academic achievements.

Maybe she needs your love and support more than eer and that this added pressure of guilt and disappointment isn't helping.

So in terms of aibu - yabu

Is this some really weird reverse thread that I am not getting because honestly, I didnt even have to read past the "alleged" remark about her rape to know YABU. She is your daughter.

She needs support. You should be disappointed in yourselves.

Honestly ?

If your daughter tells you she was raped, you don't refer to it as "allegedly"

If she's on anti-depressants, she's depressed. Not tired

Given what she has been through she is doing incredibly well

She needs your support

It sounds like you are struggling to give that

Getting her degree is not the most important thing. Her health and well being are.

I'm glad you're not my mum! Your daughters life is hers to live not yours to be disappointed in. I can't begin to say what I think about your views on her 'alleged' rape. Can't you be happy that she's found a decent man to support her and her child whilst she admirably follows her chosen career path? Frankly you sound grim and I wierdly hope you are a troll. I expect to see a thread in relationships called 'help me cut off my parents'.

The poor woman needs support, and you should be the one supporting her.

YABVVVVU.

I feel so sorry for your daughter :(

All I can say is my mother is more supportive, emotionally, and she's been dead since 1999.

You do realise she's trying to live HER life and not yours, right?

I'm sorry but I think this might be the worst thread I have ever seen. I hope it is some sort of reverse

I'm trying to see things from your point of view. Could it be you are struggling to accept what happened to her in terms of the rape and are not able to deal with your feelings on this so are transferring them on to other things like her academic career?

Have you talked to anyone about how you feel?

Why are you so disappointed in her?
Your daughter seems to have had a rough time of it during her A levels, and she still got really good grades! Something to be proud of.
She has gone through a very stressful couple of years, health issues, becoming a mum, getting divorced, moving house, changing Uni etc.
She has decided that Uni isn't for her, but has a new plan and is doing her best to get a lot of experience.
She has been through so much, and she is making choices to improve her life. She has done so much for you to be proud of.

Do you not think her happiness might just be a little bit more important than what you want her to do with her life?

'I say allegedly because I am unclear on the details'

Why did you not bother to find out the details?!

Christ. Poor woman. Are you this critical, judgmental and 'disappointed' to her face?

Right, thank you. I'm not going to keep letting this run, because I don't want people to get upset. I wasn't expecting so many replies, nor such a stron reaction!

This is a reverse AIBU. I am the daughter. There is more to this than I included too (it isn't really that relevant to this thread, although definitely relevant to my feelings of not making my own choices in life, & my mum doesn't know all of it, but yes. I have had a tough time.) I told them on Tuesday, after being terrified about telling them for months, and my younger sister (who is staying with them for HER uni holidays) is getting dragged into discussions about how terrible it all is / how she needs to 'persuade' (force!) me to go back because it's her 'job as a mother', etc.

I have to see them all at a pre-arranged family function tomorrow & I am dreading it. I have a child of my own, and I am still scared to face them because I know it will be such a guilt trip & we'll both end up crying.

To be honest, it will help such a lot to know that I'm not being a totally useless cow about it all! Thank you for that.