AIBU to be upset with DD?

[EndlessInanity]

Backstory: DD is 24. She went to a grammar school and got good results at GCSE and A Level, although not what we hoped. There was an incident in her year 12 where her good friend / boyfriend allegedly raped her, and she struggled for a bit to continue academically. I say allegedly because I am unclear on the details and she did talk to him for a while afterwards. She got AABB, but we hoped for more. One of the As was in a subject she had natural talent in, and completed the entire A Level in one year.

We wanted her to go to university to study that subject, but she didn't want to go. She time after sixth form working in various temp jobs, but spent most of her money on going out. She decided during this time to start university. The summer before uni, she fell pregnant with a man she'd been seeing for only a few months (though she had known him longer) and decided to keep the baby. She started university whilst pregnant. Long story short, she had a very difficult pregnancy (health & relationship) and had to repeat that year of uni. Her relationship (now marriage) broke down due to some bad behaviour on his part and they divorced. DD became depressed and left uni to return home (she was a couple of hours away).

She got a new place at a more local uni & transferred, because we knew that the most important thing was for her to get her degree. She should have just finished her second year, but has told us that she won't be continuing as she has decided that she wants to pursue work in a different field, has started volunteering to get experience in that field (financially supported by her new partner) and apparently 'can't face uni'. Apparently trying to complete under the 'pressure' has made her mentally ill. I knew she'd been on antidepressants, but I don't think she's depressed. Probably more likely just tired. So close to the end, it seems such a waste. DH and I have supported her financially through her time at university, as we agreed at the start, so feel we have made an investment too. She says she will pay us back when she can, and that isn't really the issue. I'm just so disappointed in her.

Endless I have a similar story to yours. My father does not 'believe' in mental illness. Ironically, he ended up with 2 children who both have mental illnesses and have both been long-term hospitalised because of it. My father was disappointed when I dropped out of school because I couldn't cope. This compounded the guilt I felt. It's taken me many years to accept that he's a piece of shit for whom nothing will ever be good enough. These days, I do what's right and what's good for me. My chosen career is not the one he would have chosen for me but I am an adult, I make my own choices.

I shared my story because through this I have learned that you cannot change other people but you can change your responses to other people. You sound like an intelligent, mature, switched on and focused individuals. In fact, from what you've posted on here, you sound bloody amazing! Keep your chin up and be proud of where you are and who you are. :)

WTF!!!??? You are probably a major influencing factor in your daughters depression!
I think the main aim you should have for your daughter is that she is happy. Everything else is so insignificant in the whole scheme of things!

I'm so glad the OP has had 100% support from everyone on here...

Thank you so much to everyone who's been supportive, shared stories, and generally been outraged on my behalf! I'm going to namechange now (I've already been here for 5 years in various guises!) because apparently doing a reverse AIBU is akin to unleashing the devil, and I just don't have the energy to be That Poster at this point! I'm not upset by it, but I'm weary, is probably the best description. One thing I can take charge of is ducking the moaning on the other thread!

Thank you again to everybody here - I've read every single reply & will keep this thread as reference!

I feel for you. My parents are like yours. They sent me to a private school which I did not want to go to, did badly, they thought uni was the only route in life, its not. I am doing well for myself. I think its just your mother thinks this is the road and the only road and if you don't follow it then that's you royally buggered. Don't worry. If you know you are ok and you know you are doing what you want then that is fine! You're only 24, you have so much ahead of you. Good luck to you! Xx

I was going to post a really angry response to the OP but then I read the rest of it.

Good luck! YANBU!! Your mum is! Stay strong. I am glad you have a supportive partner.

You do what makes you happy. I say this as a mum of an 18 year old who 'should' be going to uni, but is moving in with her BF instead. I wished her all the luck in the world when she told me.

OP, not a lot to add to what the others have said. I was speechless with fury when I read your original post. So sorry you have parents like this. I also have a terrible picky/critical mother who drove me to the point of a breakdown by the time I was in my early 40s. Things came to a head & I told her plenty of home truths & severed contact for a time. Now she (mainly) bites her tongue & keeps her 'comments' to herself, but still registers her disapproval of most things I do via her pointed silences, lol. Life doesn't go smoothy for everyone. You've done the best you could to stay afloat, and you will be a great mum who will definitely not be like that with your own child(ren). Hope you & your sister both manage to stay strong. Follow your heart. Happiness & your mental health are the most important things. x

You tell her simply that this is your life, and you will live it the way you see fit, making the decisions that are right for you. That may not be the same way or decisions she would choose,but that's because you are different people with different needs and different ways of doing things.

Your priority is to care for your son while keeping yourself well, and she should (as your mother) have the same wish.

I'm sorry you have had such a terrible time and so little support. You only live once, and don't spend a minute longer than you need to on stuff that's not helping/bringing you down. Good luck

I had a mother just like this and nothing was good enough. I wanted to read chemistry at Manchester but she forced me to do medicine at Cambridge. I hated it, felt incredibly isolated and started to repeatedly attempt suicide. She told me I was putting it on and was only trying to kill myself "to get my own way". I can once remember being in an emotional crisis and her telling me to stop being suicidal while Emmerdale was on TV. I went on to develop bipolar got sacked from my job as a doctor and went on long term incapacity after a spell in a psychiatric ICU. I had to sell my house as it would have got repossessed and so she convinced me to sign over the proceeds some £30k into her bank account and she would do all the paper work paying off £16k of debts I had accrued. She then left the country in my car with my cash. When her trophy daughter turned into a very sick individual unable to cope with basic living she called me a nutter and an embarrassment. I stopped contact with her 2 years ago and since then have made a full recovery have been discharged from psychiatric care and now run 2 profitable businesses. Some people are just plain toxic and you sound like one of them. I hope your daughter gets the emotional strength to cut you off and I am sure her depression will go into remission as a result. I have done a lot of reading on super pushy parents and they often cannot comprehend their child is an individual with their own emotions. You sound just like that. I pity your daughter

Your mum sounds awful. However on the degree it is likely that the credits you have gained still stand and you can repeat the final year at a later time. I would see some benefit to completing any primary degree as it allows relatively quick career change by doing a masters which is 2 years at a higher level if it can be done. But there is no rush.

Yabvvvu

Your poor daughter! Her mum doesn't believe she was raped or is depressed or is struggling At uni!

Uni really isn't the be all and end all. It sounds like she has taken time to think about what she wants and how to achieve it by arranging voluntary work in that field.

Give her a break and try actually being there for her!

My DD dropped out of uni because she was so miserable.
She hadn't gone through anything like you had.

I never questioned it. There is more to life (and more jobs) outside of university.

Stay strong and do what's right for you.

Sending you strength for today, you sound like an amazing person. Life truly is too short to be miserable, I hope everything works out for you and that your parents can accept this in some way.

Good parents put their children's happiness before everything else. They also accept that when their DC are grown up they make their own choices.

I do hope if you went today it went ok for you. You may as well be firm on this now because otherwise it will only be them trying to control your son's choices or behaviuor or schooling, or interfering with your DP. They have to start accepting you are an adult and that may as well be now.

My DD was very promising in primary school, top of top sets at the start of secondary, OK for GCSEs, much less well since. We're waiting for AS results and she's not that hopeful. She's fed up with academic study which has never really been "her" and to be fair has always said she doesn't want to go to uni. She's pursuing dance and has a job in McDonalds. They love her there and she loves it. She's now saying she probably won't go back for A2s. It's hard as a parent when I see people with much less brain than her all set to go to top universities, but that's my issue. I've had to recognise that's my pride hurt and I cannot place that over her happiness. She can always do a degree later if she chooses. I've said to her we will support her in whatever life choices she makes. She's nearly 18 and it has to be her life.

It's such a shame you're got to 24 and your parents still can't do the same for you. Remind them that a good brain is never wasted and will carry you through whatever you choose to do. Also remind them that a degree doesn't have to be now, especially in this day and age. When your children are grown up and money is more plentiful, you might feel differently. You might want to do one for you, not to please somebody else.

Good luck in your life choices - your new career sounds very rewarding to me - and stick fast to your guns. :)

What a shame, I hope I never treat my dcs like this. I always try to say to them if things don't go their way "I'm disappointed FOR you, I'm not disappointed WITH you".

I'm going to try and hold back here.

Listen to yourself woman!!

"we had hoped for more"
"Allegedly raped"
"I don't think she's depressed"
"The most important thing is getting a degree"
"We made an investment"
"I'm so disappointed"

You sound like a truly horrible mother.

Why is academic success so important to you? Why do you disregard her mental well-being? You don't believe her when she tells you she was raped; you don't believe she's depressed even though a doctor does; you see your own daughter as an investment?!

If I were you I would take a long hard think about how your daughter might feel about the years of pressure you and your DH have put her under with your expectations and disapproval.

If you want any kind of future relationship with your DD you need to start loving and appreciating her for who and what she is. Taking delight in her very being. Supporting her regardless of her decisions. Rather than worrying about what she looks like on a piece of paper.

OP print this off and keep to hand for next time your DM flies off the handle

oh endless , just read through your posts and really hope that everything has gone ok for you today.

My dd has just dropped out of uni due to a serious sexual assault on a placement she was on. I feel that the uni let her down by allowing her to be put in that position.. i too feel disappointed but the difference being that I am disappointed for her as she worked so hard to get there.

We have listened and supported her over the last couple of months and she has decided to pursue a different course. Not as academic but something that will hopefully make her happy. Surely as parents that is what we all want for our children. To help them and pick up the pieces if anything goes wrong. I guess I'm lucky in that I not only love but like and respect both my dc. It is the respect thing that seems to be lacking on the part of your mother.

On a brighter note at least you now know how not to treat you ds when he grows up.

Let me wish you all the luck for your future

wtf is wrong with you? You sound completely unreasonable and irrational Sorry if this is harsh but i really feel for your dd with all the things you have said here.
Firstly, the most important thing is not "for her to complete her degree", it is for her to be happy and healthy. I can see why she is ill with all the pressure and emotional blackmail you are using on her. She is an adult, this is her life, not yours. Also. the bit about "alleged rape", it doesn't matter the specifics, but whatever happened it traumatised your daughter and you should be there to support her not question her and bang on about how disappointed you are all the time.
Get a grip and start being more supportive. (and btw her alevel results are outstanding.. give her a pat on the back from me if you cant be arsed to do it yourself).

Reverse post guys. The op IS the daughter

EndlessInanity how did it go yesterday?