AIBU to be upset with DD?

[EndlessInanity]

Backstory: DD is 24. She went to a grammar school and got good results at GCSE and A Level, although not what we hoped. There was an incident in her year 12 where her good friend / boyfriend allegedly raped her, and she struggled for a bit to continue academically. I say allegedly because I am unclear on the details and she did talk to him for a while afterwards. She got AABB, but we hoped for more. One of the As was in a subject she had natural talent in, and completed the entire A Level in one year.

We wanted her to go to university to study that subject, but she didn't want to go. She time after sixth form working in various temp jobs, but spent most of her money on going out. She decided during this time to start university. The summer before uni, she fell pregnant with a man she'd been seeing for only a few months (though she had known him longer) and decided to keep the baby. She started university whilst pregnant. Long story short, she had a very difficult pregnancy (health & relationship) and had to repeat that year of uni. Her relationship (now marriage) broke down due to some bad behaviour on his part and they divorced. DD became depressed and left uni to return home (she was a couple of hours away).

She got a new place at a more local uni & transferred, because we knew that the most important thing was for her to get her degree. She should have just finished her second year, but has told us that she won't be continuing as she has decided that she wants to pursue work in a different field, has started volunteering to get experience in that field (financially supported by her new partner) and apparently 'can't face uni'. Apparently trying to complete under the 'pressure' has made her mentally ill. I knew she'd been on antidepressants, but I don't think she's depressed. Probably more likely just tired. So close to the end, it seems such a waste. DH and I have supported her financially through her time at university, as we agreed at the start, so feel we have made an investment too. She says she will pay us back when she can, and that isn't really the issue. I'm just so disappointed in her.

Op I was 3 months from finishing a degree when I had dc I planned to go back to it to finish but tbh I was so miserable with it. The degree was in a field that no longer interested me that I had no intentions of working in. In the end I decided life's too short and quit with 3 months left. That was 2 years ago now and I don't regret my choice at all I'd have qualified and ended up in a Job I hated for goodness knows how long!

If you have the opportunity to go for your dream career then go for it I say go for it.

Good luck with everything.

Oh, also, with the rape thing - they are better now than they used to be. We don't really talk about it now. It happened in our family home (he waited outside for I don't even know how long, until my family went out without me - as I had mentioned in passing by text - & came to the door. I trusted him completely. I was already in a terrible mental state because of something else previously & he was the only person I confided in.). Apparently if it had been rape, I would've run out to the street & screamed for help.

I know now how stupid that is. When I had just turned 17, I did not.

The strange thing is, I do love my parents. I generally have a good relationship with them. But I am beginning to realise that that is only the case when I am doing what they want me to do.

Goodness me! You are being completely unreasonable!

I was very bright at school, went to private school, but completely lost myself in academia and by 18 had a breakdown and moved out. I am 32 and just about on a level and ready to move on. I am starting an OU degree in October and have a young dd.

Give her a break. Let her be happy, support her in this and the rest will come

You are/were raising a daughter not a set of exam results.
If you are disappointed it should be because she is unhappy not because at the moment she is not living up to your academic expectations. Give her the love she needs I'm sure you are and this is just a winge thread
and she will make her own way in the world.

Just read that this is a reverse... Phew! Hope you are ok. Deeply sympathise

If you really do have to go, then go for a short time, don't engage and keep your DP close so that he can divert things if need be.

Long story short, your 'Mother' is a poor excuse for one and you can already see that being without her in your life makes everything easier.

use the counselling you have to prepare you for cutting contact.

Sod the debt repayment, call it compensation for a shit pair of parents.

What you are choosing to do is a super noble cause, and one that will save countless lives, both in real terms and in terms of helping women escape from horrific abuse.

I would be super proud that my DD was half the daughter you are. I hope you and DP do get to marry, and I am glad you have someone that loves you in your life.

Keep posting, please stick around, you can be a valuable contributor, and would gain much support from all of us here.

Thank you to everyone. & the stories of a degree not meaning everything are really encouraging too! When I told them on Tuesday, I don't know how many times I heard the words 'dead end job'!

One of the problems is that my mum started uni as a mature student when my little sister was a couple of months old. If she can do it in her circumstances, I should be able to! At least that's the thinking. It is difficult to argue against, because she did achieve a lot in a hard situation. But obviously I am not up to it!

I might have struggled a bit harder if I cared about the degree, but it has no relevance to what I want to do (besides graduate status) and having had to repeat time, etc, means I am SO sick of it!

You don't actually have to go tomorrow at all. You are an adult. You can decide not to go... and my opinion is that is what you should do.

I'm getting quite tearful with all the lovely responses, actually. It makes me feel a little less like a total screw up!

I don't know. It's hard to explain. My parents aren't BAD people. They just don't really believe in mental illness (my sister is on antidepressants / in counselling too) and are quite concerned about appearances. I honestly think that part of what my mum is upset about is how she is going to break the news to her friends that I'm a drop out!

I know they will calm down eventually, probably when I'm in a paid job I love, but it is going to be difficult to keep my courage and stick it out without it ending in tears every time I see them! This thread has really helped :)

How long would it take you to finish it?

Endless, it is not a good relationship if they are only happy when you are doing what they want.

My relationship with my parents was similar. As long as I didn't question anything, or did as they wanted, or accepted why they treated me differently to my siblings it was fine. As soon as I did there were fireworks.

It's not good for anyone. Take a step back for a while. Don't discuss Uni with them anymore. Let them come to terms with the fact that you are not going back. You don't have to go back, it's your choice, your life, not their's.

My DS1 is getting his Alevel results on Thursday. He has a place at a RG Uni. He told me last night he really, really doesn't want to go. Do you know what I said? I said "that's fine. If you want to go next year, then you can apply." His happiness is more important than anything to me. That is what your mum should be thinking.

Good luck with your chosen career path.

You sound just like my mother.

I feel sorry for your daughter.

Yanbu op-and I completely understand how you can be made to feel like a disappointment even as an adult.

I didn't get the results I needed at school to do the uni course I wanted. I was made to feel terrible by my family about it-my grandfather cried!

I ended up going to uni a few years later and now I have a degree I have never used as I worked in a different field then got married,had dcs and became a sahm

My mum has never grown tired of making remarks about how I have wasted my education or how I need to get a "job"

Just stand firm tomorrow-easier said than done I know! Just keep repeating that its your life and you shall live it how you see fit.

I really should go tomorrow. It isn't about my parents - it's another (much loved) family member's thing & I won't get another chance to see them for at least a year. But we will definitely be going in our own car, etc, so we can make a fast getaway if needs be!

Oh thank GOD this is a reverse.

I felt pushed into going without any of your additional worries and it was the worse thing I ever did, I wish I had waited and thought about things a lot more and I would have done something totally different.

Good luck to you xx

Your mum made a choice to go to uni when she had a young baby-now she needs to respect your choice that uni is not for you.

Honestly you need to start getting a bit more angry here and stop making excuses for them-they have behaved appalling re the rape.

I have essentially failed the year through lack of attendance, so it would be another 2 years to complete. It isn't going to happen. It just means I have to deal with all of the fall out!

It makes me sad, but also reassured (sorry!) that other people have experienced similar things. I can't imagine being like this with DS. Other examples include how long it has taken them to 'come to terms' with my sister not being heterosexual. DS is only 4, but I truly believe that I won't care either way about sexuality / his choices about education post-18, etc. So long as he is happy, staying the right side of the law (mostly, at least!) and not hurting anybody. I suppose they probably thought that when I was 4, though!

Horrendous that you describe her rape as 'alleged'. No wonder she has MH issues.

Sounds like she's done an amazing job of getting through life with minimal emotional support from those closest.

btw, I would imagine a healthcare professional would have diagnosed her depression for her to be on anti depressants. They tend to know the difference between a MH problem and tiredness!

YA possibly the most U mother ever.

Me neither, I HOPE I just want them to be happy.

I think some people worry too much about what other people think, certainly my mother although she is lovely did go around telling all her friends I was going and when I started to get cold feet felt embarrassed. Thats all wrong isnt it.

Whats the point getting more into debt over 2 years, when your heart really isnt into it.

Ooops, so sorry. Should read the whole thread. Just so enraged by it.

I really feel for you. What a horrid mum

Wow! just wow - there is another thread on here where i stuck up for a mother who was having troubles with an older child, but this post has made me feel so so sad. The poor girl, you sound really really vile.

if this is a reverse AIBU then what i say stands, just in reverse!!

That's it - it would end in more debt & even if I did complete, I know I wouldn't get a First because I don't care enough. & that's if I didn't completely fall down the mental health rabbit hole in the meantime.

Thank you to everyone for the support & sympathy. I will be reading this back tomorrow!

Solidarity fistbump

My parents are like this, too. If I'm not living my life according to their plan I'm doing it wrong and I need to be told, repeatedly, where I'm going wrong and how much of a disappointment I am. They say, "I love you," but miss off the all-important, "conditionally." Their opinion is fact, even when contravened by actual evidence.

I get angry about it instead of upset, because I have many many more people in my life who genuinely care about my happiness rather than appearances and who love me for who I actually am, not who I could be in some idealised universe by someone else's standards. And the anger doesn't even last that long any more, because I don't want to waste the energy on them. They will never honestly love me for who I am, though they'll say they do, but I can't change that so I have accepted it and concentrate on others who do instead.

Good luck with your life plan, and finding your own peace.

Fuck a duck.

I've heard it all now.

Op. maybe visit the stately home thread. There are a million people talking about folk just like you.

Allegedly raped, didn't find out the details, husband did something wrong, daughter met a nicer man, is volunteering, is on antidepressants and the most important thing is her getting a degree and you are disappointed in her your poor poor daughter.

Oh it's a reverse.

(Sorry finger fury rant meant I couldn't read past the first page without responfibg)