Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with DD?

147 replies

EndlessInanity · 10/08/2013 19:39

Backstory: DD is 24. She went to a grammar school and got good results at GCSE and A Level, although not what we hoped. There was an incident in her year 12 where her good friend / boyfriend allegedly raped her, and she struggled for a bit to continue academically. I say allegedly because I am unclear on the details and she did talk to him for a while afterwards. She got AABB, but we hoped for more. One of the As was in a subject she had natural talent in, and completed the entire A Level in one year.

We wanted her to go to university to study that subject, but she didn't want to go. She time after sixth form working in various temp jobs, but spent most of her money on going out. She decided during this time to start university. The summer before uni, she fell pregnant with a man she'd been seeing for only a few months (though she had known him longer) and decided to keep the baby. She started university whilst pregnant. Long story short, she had a very difficult pregnancy (health & relationship) and had to repeat that year of uni. Her relationship (now marriage) broke down due to some bad behaviour on his part and they divorced. DD became depressed and left uni to return home (she was a couple of hours away).

She got a new place at a more local uni & transferred, because we knew that the most important thing was for her to get her degree. She should have just finished her second year, but has told us that she won't be continuing as she has decided that she wants to pursue work in a different field, has started volunteering to get experience in that field (financially supported by her new partner) and apparently 'can't face uni'. Apparently trying to complete under the 'pressure' has made her mentally ill. I knew she'd been on antidepressants, but I don't think she's depressed. Probably more likely just tired. So close to the end, it seems such a waste. DH and I have supported her financially through her time at university, as we agreed at the start, so feel we have made an investment too. She says she will pay us back when she can, and that isn't really the issue. I'm just so disappointed in her.

OP posts:
LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 10/08/2013 19:57

How far off the end of your degree are you? Would the degree be of any use in your new career path?
Could you do the degree around your new career?

MamaChubbyLegs · 10/08/2013 19:58

Oh, it's a reverse AIBU. I'm still pretty disgusted with the mother. She'd be cut off if she was mine.

DevonCiderPunk · 10/08/2013 19:58

Oops double post.

Serialdrinker · 10/08/2013 19:58

Ah ok OP! If (when) she starts you should smile sweetly and say 'thank you mum, the greatest thing you have taught me about motherhood is how NOT to be, I don't think I can ever repay you'. That should shut her up. I'm sorry your parents are utter arse holes. It's not you, it never has been you it has always been them.

CamelBalls · 10/08/2013 19:59

Poster has updated saying she is the daughter

Im sorry you feel like this, can you move out? Xx

BadgersRetreat · 10/08/2013 19:59

There is always three sides to a story, but if the OPs mum makes her feel this way that's really really sad

Good luck OP, stay strong and learn the parenting lessons they've given you. Ie just do the opposite

namechangeforthispost864269 · 10/08/2013 19:59

Tbh I'm glad this is a reverse op

I'd access some counselling through relate or gp if I were you to help you learn how to communicate effectively to your family and to help with cope with the things that have happened to you in the past

Once you are feeling strong in yourself you'll feel strong enough to deal with your family. If you're worried about the family function tomorrow make an.excuse and don't go.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 10/08/2013 20:00

Oh, xpost . Stop giving your parents this power. Live your life how you want to. They don't own you.

CSIJanner · 10/08/2013 20:01

I came back to apologise for the cow etc comment and to hope it was a reverse thread.

You poor thing! Does she really treat you like that? Disbelieve you about something like rape? Are you dreading the pressure tomorrow or do you feel that you'll revert to pleasing her by acting and choosing the way she wishes? Remember - she's lived her life and made her own choices. It's your right to do the same for your own happiness and life satisfaction. Break the disfunctional cycle.

Have you visited the stately homes thread?

inallmydays · 10/08/2013 20:02

oh a reverse ,ok still stand by my answer if what you are saying is what your parents think of you .

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 10/08/2013 20:02

x-post! fast thread!

sorry you're going through this op. your mum sounds awful. do you have support? you know you can always post here dont you? maybe it would help to start another thread in relationships to help you more

Sonnet · 10/08/2013 20:02

Lots of crossed posts!!

Noticing constructive to add OP, I just hope it all works out for you :)

LindyHemming · 10/08/2013 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMagicKeyCanFuckOff · 10/08/2013 20:02

Thank God this a reverse AIBU. You are definitely in the right, and this will be tough. I have been made to feel like you and it's horrible. Ar eyou going to counselling or talking therapy? It helped me both deal with depression and the pressure and hatred/well, not really love being foisted on me.

Original poster
EndlessInanity · 10/08/2013 20:04

Thank you everyone. Yes, she is this 'disappointed' and judgemental to my face. Oddly, I was expecting my dad to be even worse, but so far he's just detached from it. From what my sister's said, he's mostly annoyed my mum keeps going on about it. Hopefully he understands that complaining won't change anything!

I was doing a degree in a 'core subject', but not something that led to many employment opportunities, even before the recent unemployment issues. I want to work in domestic violence and have placements volunteering for Victim Support and a local refuge. I have just bought a house with DP, and we plan to marry soon. DS lives with us, bar some weekends, and I am happy. Since I decided to stop going to university, I have felt happy and free. The only problem has been about how to tell them - I had a few counselling sessions purely on that topic.

I hoped they would calm down quickly, but the longer it goes on, the more upset she has become. It is like a bereavement to her. I didn't even really want to go to university in the first place, to be honest. The main advantage is that it allowed me much larger proportion of time at home with DS, particularly through difficult times in our lives (XH was emotionally & financially abusive, a cheat, and many other things) where I would've otherwise been totally reliant on benefits / working all hours I could. Yes, I have a lot of student debt. Yes it is annoying to have that and no degree. But I am trying to see it as Surviving With My Son debt instead. My mum is yet to come around to that idea.

OP posts:
CeliaFate · 10/08/2013 20:06

Remember you are an adult and you don't have an obligation to your parents to make them happy.
Your priority is your own mental health and your child.
If they insist, work out an agreement for repaying them monthly.
You just have to keep saying it. "I'm not going back to uni."
Don't say you don't want to go back or you can't face it. Say "I'm not going back to uni."
They may well be disappointed, but that's the lesser of two evils.
I hope things work out for you.

LifeIsSoDifferent · 10/08/2013 20:07

ShockShockShock

YABVVVU

You need to back the hell off!!!!!

What sort of person are you that doesn't believe their own DAUGHTER when she says she's been raped??? Omg it's shocking!!!

You sound like an absolute nightmare and you need to get off her case, she is a grown women who has been through alot but you just dismiss every thing and all reverts back to you and what you think.

How do you know how she feels and isn't depressed but tired? This is such a joke! I feel so much for your poor daughter.

Fairylea · 10/08/2013 20:09

You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness.

Only your own.

I always try to remember that.

CeliaFate · 10/08/2013 20:10

OP has said it's a reverse AIBU. OP is the daughter.

KirjavaTheCat · 10/08/2013 20:10

Erm, what. You don't believe your daughter when she says she was raped?! What is wrong with you? And then after her rape you were disappointed in her amazing, given her circumstances, exam results?

Yes you're being unreasonable. Unfathomably so. She's not your investment, she's your daughter, who's been through a lot and has had nothing but judgement from the one person she should be able to come to whatever the weather. Christ alive.

LifeIsSoDifferent · 10/08/2013 20:11

Oo just read that this is a reverse so my apologies for my previous post but your mum is awful.

If you can I would try and get out of this family thing it isn't going to do your mental state any good and you need to put YOU first because your family isn't going too.

I really hope your new DP is supportive and helps you overcome all this horrible stuff

Original poster
EndlessInanity · 10/08/2013 20:11

I have to go tomorrow. It's hard to explain, but I can't really opt out. I am not worried about being forced back to uni (that ship has sailed whether I wanted it back or not!) but being put under a lot of pressure. Possibly in front of / with other family members too.

DP is very supportive. We are struggling financially (who isn't?) but we are definitely coping. I should be able to pick up some part time work as an offshoot of one of my placements in a couple of months anyway - I'm having all of the training for volunteering, so I should be easy to employ in one of the other areas.

In terms of the many sides to the story, I have tried to keep it as factual as possible. Everything in the OP has come from her mouth. Things she doesn't know about, or deem relevant, weren't included. Also, I was raped. Definitely. I had to keep seeing him at school, often unexpectedly in corridors, etc, while I was doing my AS levels. My AS results WERE bad - I had to make them up with resits / take a whole new subject in one year to get the final grades that I did. I was still told that I could have done better.

OP posts:
KirjavaTheCat · 10/08/2013 20:12

Sorry!

Must read before posting. OP how horrible, I hope she realises how well you've done despite her treatment of you one day, and tries to right her wrongs.

YoniBottsBumgina · 10/08/2013 20:12

I quit my degree as well. You still have the experience of doing it, hopefully you enjoyed it and found it interesting? I think that these days the piece of paper saying you have the degree is fairly pointless unless it leads directly into something. Most things that you "technically need" a degree for you can talk your way into, unless there's a lot of competition, anyway.

I think your career choice sounds great - it's something I'd love to do too. Good luck to you Wine

littlemisswise · 10/08/2013 20:14

Endless, don't go tomorrow for your own sake. You don't owe your parents anything. Your parents had you, they supported you through childhood and school. That was their job. You owe them nothing.

I am so sorry you were raped, and it sounds like you got no support from your mum. It sounds like you continue to do what you think is best, what will please her. Mark my words, nothing will. It took me 42 years to realise that.

Live your life for yourself, your DP and your DS. Break free and soar. You are a long time dead. Don't live for her and her acceptance, live for you.

Good luck, my lovely.

Swipe left for the next trending thread