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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with DD?

147 replies

EndlessInanity · 10/08/2013 19:39

Backstory: DD is 24. She went to a grammar school and got good results at GCSE and A Level, although not what we hoped. There was an incident in her year 12 where her good friend / boyfriend allegedly raped her, and she struggled for a bit to continue academically. I say allegedly because I am unclear on the details and she did talk to him for a while afterwards. She got AABB, but we hoped for more. One of the As was in a subject she had natural talent in, and completed the entire A Level in one year.

We wanted her to go to university to study that subject, but she didn't want to go. She time after sixth form working in various temp jobs, but spent most of her money on going out. She decided during this time to start university. The summer before uni, she fell pregnant with a man she'd been seeing for only a few months (though she had known him longer) and decided to keep the baby. She started university whilst pregnant. Long story short, she had a very difficult pregnancy (health & relationship) and had to repeat that year of uni. Her relationship (now marriage) broke down due to some bad behaviour on his part and they divorced. DD became depressed and left uni to return home (she was a couple of hours away).

She got a new place at a more local uni & transferred, because we knew that the most important thing was for her to get her degree. She should have just finished her second year, but has told us that she won't be continuing as she has decided that she wants to pursue work in a different field, has started volunteering to get experience in that field (financially supported by her new partner) and apparently 'can't face uni'. Apparently trying to complete under the 'pressure' has made her mentally ill. I knew she'd been on antidepressants, but I don't think she's depressed. Probably more likely just tired. So close to the end, it seems such a waste. DH and I have supported her financially through her time at university, as we agreed at the start, so feel we have made an investment too. She says she will pay us back when she can, and that isn't really the issue. I'm just so disappointed in her.

OP posts:
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 10/08/2013 20:59

Give your daughter a break - please!

Faith48 · 10/08/2013 21:00

As a Mum you're meant to support your daughter and be there for her, even if she makes the wrong decisions you guide her through them and make sure that she knows that you will be there in the end with your arms open to support her.

You've failed in these things from your post and I feel very sorry for your daughter.

bababababoom · 10/08/2013 21:01

I'm going to take this seriously, just in case you are serious.

Please, please try to see this from your daughter's point of view. Her very good results were "not what you'd hoped", you are unsure whether she really was raped, in very difficult circumstances you've decided the most important thing is to finish her degree....now she is depressed, and you don't seem to be taking it seriously. Please take the time to try to understand her, otherwise you might lose your relationship with her for good. If you want to maintain a good, close relationship with your dd, you need to start commmunicating with her. Why don't you offer to go to family therapy with her?

notanyanymore · 10/08/2013 21:01

Yes you are being extremely unreasonable. Your poor DD.

Pinupgirl · 10/08/2013 21:01

ITS A REVERSE AIBU-READ THE THREAD PLEASE!!!!!

DawnOfTheDee · 10/08/2013 21:03

Ffs....people, at least read the OP's posts before you post yourself. This is a reverse AIBU....

Beaverfeaver · 10/08/2013 21:03

Your daughter will never confide in you again if this is how you have reacted to what's happened to her

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 10/08/2013 21:06

sorry... I should have read the whole thread! Blush

youarewinning · 10/08/2013 21:07

You got AABB at A levels and your mum is disappointed.

Concentrate on your life and your child, life doesn't always turn out as planned but your doing a great job.

I'm sorry your mum doesn't believe the rape - have you had counselling?

NadiaWadia · 10/08/2013 21:12

Why is it so many people just seem to read the OP, then go straight to the end to post their own comment without reading through?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 10/08/2013 21:13

Jesus, Pinup and Dawn! Calm the fuck down!! Grin

formicadinosaur · 10/08/2013 21:14

The most important thing in a parent-child relationship is acceptance. If she feels accepted for who she is and what she does, she will blossom but in her own time. You seem to judge her harshly against your own expectations for her career. You cannot live her life for her. she has to find her own way.

The most important thing has nothing to do with degrees. The most important thing is her happiness and mental well being. Ask what can you do as s parent to help/support her through her depression. Don't belittle how she feels.

In relation to her degree, she will have earned points and they will still be there years down the line if she wants to study again.

I think you need to stop being disappointed and make a list if all your DDs wonderful qualities and interests. You need to think better if her.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 10/08/2013 21:15

this is why i suggested reposting properly in relationships. people dont rtft and it gets confusing and frustrating for everyone

op, after everything you've been through, you sound really switched on and you know what you want to do. i think you just need to be firm with your family and state the facts... and repeat till they hopefully get it. remember to make your OWN choices and be happy

i was raped 10 years and have had mh issues too so i know how hard things can be when others dont believe you or you have no support. it gets easier.

Nombrechanger · 10/08/2013 21:15

God, you're nasty aren't you?

You need to support your daughter. What kind of mother are you?

Original poster
EndlessInanity · 10/08/2013 21:17

Sorry to cause so much confusion with the reverse thing! I was just worried that if I posted it straight up people would side with me just because it was me posting, if you see what I mean. I wanted a more objective view!

I have had counselling, yes. A few lots, actually. The relationship with my parents didn't even really come into most of it, although the last 'batch' ended up focusing on that because I was so scared of exactly this!

I liked the 'solidarity fist bump' - it made me laugh :)

OP posts:
formicadinosaur · 10/08/2013 21:17

Ah reverse I see.

You should email this thread to her!

Nombrechanger · 10/08/2013 21:18

Oh fuck, it's a threados reversalos.

formicadinosaur · 10/08/2013 21:20

Good luck tomorrow.

Can you just explain that you don't want to discuss things unless they are supportive?

OddSockBox · 10/08/2013 21:22

You don't have to be in contact with your mum when she treats you like that. If you can, when she starts up with this crap, tell her that you don't want to hear it and change the subject. If she persists, say that you've asked her not to talk like this and she's continued, so you're going to leave now. It may take a while to get the message through.

Behaviour like that, you're better off without her in your life or with some very firm boundaries drawn. Definitely look into counselling for support with this.

Pilgit · 10/08/2013 21:37

Remember you could have done the degree if you had wanted to. If it had been a driving passion you would have done it. You are not a failure. Next time there is a quip about not believing in mental health issues ask them if the believe in diabetes- a crude analogy but both are to do with chemical imbalances.

Any parent should be supportive and proud of their children. My dh failed his degree first time round. He just didn't care enough at the time. He went back in 2010 and got a first because he was focused. This was with md working full time to support us, an 18 month old and he went 200 miles away. If you want to do it you will when the time is right. That is what a parent should be saying to you. Oh and the rape thing -just bloody awful.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 10/08/2013 21:37

I quit uni after a year, I was really struggling at the time emotionally and depressed. The degree wasn't what I thought it would be, I was so unhappy. My parents didn't approve but said little. Lots of hassle from my older brothers over my choice though.

Tbh I'm 35 now, I've done professional qualifications in my chosen career path and I'm happy.

I think tomorrow you just need to be firm that you do not wish to discuss it and it's your decision and walk away, where possible.

The most helpful book I can recommend to you is 'Children of the Self Absorbed' as tbh I think your Mother is toxic. Read the opening post on the stately homes thread and visit the links. I think you'll find yourself acknowledging some similarities Sad

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/08/2013 21:40

I am a slow typist so sorry for not seeing the explanation and reverse aibu reveal when I posted before.

I don't doubt you will have a very different relationship with your DS. I hope you gain in confidence and the only person you ever need to shine for is yourself. Good luck.

PS I hope your sister got support and advice, away from your parents' influence. If they took so long accept her sexual orientation, she must have endured some intense pressure too.

damnitdamnit · 10/08/2013 21:50

Only if you have other children though!

Littleen · 10/08/2013 21:59

oh my god, you should be ashamed of yourself! You are awful about your daughter, not believing her troubles and saying she's not doing good enough. You do not deserve to be a mother.

Littleen · 10/08/2013 22:02

Oh, reverse aibu. uhm. Well still, your mother doesn't deserve you!